So this man I really liked broke up with me after 8 months because he couldn't see himself as an "instant dad". I was sad, but could understand. He started dating an old high school girlfriend. (He's 35 now). I don't know if he's still seeing her. We've stayed in touch, chat online nearly every day. So last week he says he wants to come and take the kids fishing.....ok....comes today with belated birthday presents for myself and daughter, we go fishing, and then we take the kids to the pet store and he buys them all hamsters and cages. (Yes, he asked my permission first).

The whole day he is affectionate, but not overtly so; gives me a peck on the lips before leaving. He flirts alot, some innuendo about our former relationship, but that's it. He also teases me about dating other guys, but kinda seems to be fishing for info too.

What on earth is this man thinking???

Who the h*ll knows?!? I don't act like that, but a lot of men do.

Usually, I don't touch women unless they have shown an interest in me first by starting the touching. Are you giving him signals?

Maybe he is finding that now that the pressure of an "instant dad" isn't on his shoulders, then he isn't as scared of the situation. He is able to test the waters a bit without the 'scary' thought of setting himself up.

I can think of no other reason that a 'free' man would want to become involved for a day of 'dad'. I don't know, but perhaps this is good, if you still like him. Maybe he just needed the pressure off him so he felt like it could be his choice rather than his responsibility.

Just thinking...

Anna,

He may be unsure of what place he has in your life, therefore unsure of what place he has in your kids life. Should he be just your significant other to them, their friend or a father figure? Not easy questions, but definately something you should discuss with him. If he wants a relationship with you, he's got to want the whole package (i.e. your kids).
Let him know what role you want him to play in their lives and if he's willing to accept that role, the rest will take care of itself.

I'm sure when I get out in the dating world, I'll undoubtably meet women with children and I'll have to accept that they are part of the package, as will they. I won't be looking for a woman to be a "surrogate mom" to my daughter, just her friend. I thin you need to clearly define the role you want him to play in your kid's lives.

sad dad

Thanks for the insightful answers. Our original relationship was quite intense and I think scared him as he was talking marriage in the first few months.....I was still dealing with the end of my marriage and not emotionally ready to handle anything at that time. We recently talked and he has said he still loves me, but just can't see himself as being an "instant dad"....which is why he encourages me to find someone else....but wants me to stay in his life as a friend. I don't think he realizes that if I did find someone else it would be impossible for me to maintain a friendship with him.

He is like an uncle to the kids; they were never really aware of the romantic side of our relationship, as we kept it to "friends" when around the kids. Ironically, he gets along great with them, was so patiant on our fishing trip, and really cares about them. I think because he's never had kids, he is making the responsibility of being a step parent more scary than it really is.

hoping....as to your question, yes I'm giving him signals! He knows I'd like to get back together, but I've dropped the subject until he feels like bringing it up. I just can't figure out why he keeps SAYING he doesn't want a romantic relationship but keeps DOING things that hint that he does......

Probably because when he teases you, you respond. LOL. Nothing is more addictive than affection from someone you like. So, he teases you; you respond; and on and on it goes until he gets freaked out by implied commitment.

<suggests that you might want to switch roles with him> You should stop giving him signals and just tease him. Give him a taste of his own medicine!!!!

Anna,

What is he thinking? I don't know..You'd have to ASK HIM!!

But, I can give some maybe's...

1. He really enjoys your company and wants a relationship with you..but the intensity of it all so soon scared him...

2. He may be rethinking the instant dad thing..
and just needs time to sort it all out in his own head..

3. He felt pressured into taking on the dad role..

4. He's a sadistic jerk playing with your emotions
knowing that as long as he's around you'll have sex with him...

5. He's not just a sadistic jerk, but an abusive jerk knowing how much pain you've already endured
and he just wants to inflict more pain..so he can laugh later at how gulliable you are..

6. He really does love you, and your kids, and needs time to process his own emotions and come to terms with being an instant father figure in your kids life..

Like I said...this is only my own warped sense of speculation..about what is going through his mind..as you will never know until YOU ASK HIM!!

You have to remember hun...We don't know what he is 'thinking' and if you want to know..the only way your going to find out is by ASKING HIM!!

communication is the key -- ask him what his intentions are..

Does he want a relationship or doesn't he?

If he does, what type of relationship is he wanting? friendship or romantic?

If romantic does he see a future with you?

If not, then why continue in a relationship? as it will not only hurt you, but your kids in the long term..especially if you already know that you would not be able to remain friends with him in the future..

does he only contact you when he can't get together w/ old girlfriend?

what is their relationship like now? Is he playing both of you, to see which one he has the better change of getting into bed?

I can probably come up with some more things for you to ask later.

Thanks TR.....I think 1, 2, 3, or 6 may be right on. We're not having sex, or even kissing or that much affection; it's more a few hugs and "bumping" into each other kind of stuff. And I've Known him nearly a year and never seen him be mean or sadistic to anyone, he's a kind, caring person.

I got to thinking that we jumped into a physical relationship so fast that we didn't develop our friendship the first time.....altho we have tons of things in common and really enjoy each other. I think rather than pressuring him to find out what he's thinking I'll just enjoy developing the friendship and not worry about it.

Thanks to everyone for helping me think through this!

Annavon,

I would tend to think those things too...I just threw the others in there to make you wonder..

and help you sort out your own feelings within yourself...

I know that with the divorce came some pretty intense self-doubt..and wondering if you can trust your own judgement--

Just know if you know in your heart this man loves you..then he probably does..but just because he loves you doesn't mean he's ready to be a father figure..and because of that no matter how much you love him...it may not work..

I take it he doesn't have any children...maybe he never wanted them..but is finding that 'hey, I really do like these kids, maybe I don't want my own..but I could do this"

there are a couple of books I could recommend for you both to read (if he's into reading) if the
relationship progresses to the marriage point..

The Smart Step-Family Seven steps to a Healthy Family--Ron L. Deal

And the other is

Creating harmony as you build a New Home Life Blended Families --by Maxine Marsolini

They both go into roles of the parent, the step-parent, and co-parenting issues..

How the step-parent could be more of a friend and not a 'parent' until a trust is built between the child and adult -- they are to support the parent
but not usurp the parenting role..

They have some really helpful advice..as I said, if the relationship begins to progress further..
I'd recommend that you read those..

or ....

He could be reading the DonJuan (DJ) sites which tell the guy to do those things to drive the woman crazy. (seems to be working in your case <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I sincerely hope everything works out as you want it to. Think about what you want from him near-term and long-term and talk with him, maybe he is warming up to the idea. Some tension and pull-and-tug in a relationship is good.

WhisperinPines

Taking on the "DAD' thing is a big step in a ready made family situation,he's wise to think it through, and if he cant commit to doing that he's doing you a favor by telling you so. The worst thing in a ready made situation is when the two adults dont agree on the best way to raise kids,it dont work.