First it was my husband.

Now it's the OD that says that we've never gotten along and that she can't live here anymore.

My S hasn't wanted to be here for a year now but can't move out as he never has money, so he choses to make my life h*((!!

The oldest two haven't had any respect for me for the last two years, their father didn't respect me, and left me, so why should they respect me!!

They call their dad and complain about how horrible I am, I want their rooms decent (no trash, no dirty clothes, no smoking in my yard, laundry done and out of the laundry room, and son to take out trash) Son lives here rent free, he has cable TV, internet, phone service, food and laundry facilities and detergent. And he can't get the trash out when asked the first time and I am horrible if I say to do it again!!

YD is the only one that says she loves me, the dog doesn't say one way or the other unless she hears the food being opened!!

It's just one of those things in life that sucks!!! I am the one that has been here the last 21 1/2 years for these kids, the hospital stays, the soccer games, bowling tournaments and leagues, the asthma attacks, the migarines, the car accidents, the parent teacher conferences, the surgerys, the diganosis, the busted glasses, the braces, the driving lessons, the boy/girl friends, the busted curfews. ME, it's been ME, I am the only one that has been here for ALL of it, and now I am the bad guy, that can't be tolerated, that they have to run from ME, am I that bad? I didn't think so!! But perhaps I am biased!!!

My buttons got pushed today, no actually my buttons got abused today and I am angry!!! I don't know how justifable my anger is or not, I know that I hurt!!! And I k now who is causing me this pain. I must go as I am packing my daughters room out tonight, I figure if she wants to move out so badly I can help!!!!

Thanks for reading, share if you have something that may be useful!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi Dawn,

{HUGS}

You unloveable? No, no, no. Remember, It's about them. Yes, even the kids.

Now.....stop the self-criticism. You are dealing with two young adults who have had a disrupted life for the past couple of years. They have been unhappy, too, but differently than you have. And because they are young, they may not understand exactly what they are unhappy about - which is most likely the lousy deal their father has dealt in their lives.

So they strike out at a convenient target - YOU. You are such an easy target for the very reason you are such a good mom. You are there for them......unlike their other parent, right???

So try to look at this as an affirmation of the good you have done for them.

May I suggest that you not fight too hard to hold them too close. They are adults after all. It is appropriate that they begin to move away from the nest. This process has been put on hold for the past few years because they have been coping with Dad's bad behavior.

Try not to argue with them or try to convince them. Continue to be there for them, and let them step out and start taking care of themselves without you. Kind of a highly modified plan B for kids. Let them do for themselves. Stop trying to meet all of their needs.

It won't be long before they realize that the big world out there is not so comfortable and caring as good ol' Mom.

Keep your chin up. This is not about what you have or have not done. This is about two hurt and confused kids trying to become independent adults, only their timing and proper perspective have been skewed and delayed by a couple of hellacious years and poor excuse for a father. They have been damaged and have to heal too, but they are too immature to know what the real problem is.

Don't keep yourself awake over this and don't blame yourself. You KNOW where the blame really belongs.

Love,
Estes

Estes,

Thank you so much!!! I do know where the blame belongs, but I guess that I am the only one that does!!!! To think that every thing from here on out in our lives will be related to the choices that their father made, will he ever accept the blame for the damage that he has done to them and their lives? Probably not!!

Children are a gift given to us by God, they are His and He will care for them, I just have to let go so that He can. That is the hard part.

I was getting ready to go to bed and called OD's cell phone to see if she was coming home tonight or not, she is at Grandmas. So I am sure I will have to hear about how my mother came down on her for her actions!!!

Dawn

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by daybreak:
<strong>I must go as I am packing my daughters room out tonight, I figure if she wants to move out so badly I can help!!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Daybreak,

I am very sorry that you are feeling so hurt but, don't you think that maybe instead of packing your daughters things you should try to help her understand what it is she is doing, not just to you but to herself as well.

IMHO, you should sit down with her, hug her close and tell her how much you love her and, remind her that no matter how old she is she will always be your little girl. Let her know that you are not the bad guy in this situation, all you want for her is the best that life can offer and if after all that she still wants to leave help her pack but, don't make it look like you're throwing her out. Help her like most mom's help their kids when they're getting ready to go away to school. Try not to see her moving out as a bad thing but, as Este said "They are adults after all it's appropriate that they begin to move away from the nest." It's just part of growing up and moving on with life as we all must do.

I hope that I've been of some help to you. I will probably be in the same situation in a couple of years as my daughters are teenagers now and it's a time when they're not yet adults but are no longer children either, as you know, it's a very confusing time for all concerned.

Lots of luck to you.

Just

Just think... someday they'll have grandkids... and you'll be able to play with them until the diapers get messy... then, "Oops..." hand them back to these same kids. Ah, the sweetest revenge!!!! LOL.

Thank you all for your posts, and your support.

Yes I was very hurt when I typed last night!!! I give so much of myself to so many people and I never seem to be appreciated. There was an incident involving some people from church this month too!!! So I was into the woe me thing!!!

I did not pack out daughters things last night, I did clean up her room as that was one of things that I have been asking to have done. I put it in bags and vacuumed the room.

She did speak with my parents for quite awhile last night and I think that it may have done some good!!!

She's a teen/adult and I really was trying to let her be and figure things out for herself, and in the process I got my feelings hurt, when she choose to go to her father!!! And I let that manifest it self.

Talked with my mom and she did say that my daughter did acknowledge that I am the one that has always been there for her and her siblings, and I was an easy target to lash out at!! For whatever reason that did make me feel better, and validated me for the unselfishness that I have had in regards to my kids!!!

Anyways, was a good day for a Monday!!! Had to cover all my plants that I couldn't bring in as we are to have a frost tonight!!

Take care all,

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{{Dawn}}}

Returning hugs and good thoughts for you! I totally understand the unappreciated feelings. After finally deciding that my ex is where he is (in business) because of me, and I am where I am in spite of him, it sort of ends the appreciation score. He's definitely not worth it.

My older D is in residential therapy because of abuse at my exes hands; yet I have been getting letters from her telling me how much she loves me, and that she understands why she is where she is at. Talking to her on the phone is like speaking to a kid that disappeared over 7 years ago.

I suppose sometimes we have to push them out to have them finally appreciate what it was we have always done for them.

Give yourself a big hug and know that you've done all you ever could for your kids. This day and age is not an easy one; too much instant gratifictaion going on. How many kids have actually had to work for something nowadays? There really hasn't been anything to appreciate; they don't understand the word, or that with it comes a feeling of accomplishment.

Take care of you!

lori

Lori,

You are so right!!! I've backed way off with this kid since her 18th bday. She has a lot of health concerns, she's been in the ER twice since Monday with Migarines. The first time she had someone else take her as she was still mad at me, today she called me to have me take her!! Everything does pass!!

It still hurts though when she calls and talks to dad so easily. Probably easy as he doesn't have to ever say no!

Anyways!!! Thanks!!! How are things going for you!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{DAWN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Big hug for you. I know how tough it is to be the one always there and then to be pushed away. My H was also the one to never, ever say no. AND when we tell it like it is...dad throws that in our face..

"Well, i think there's nothing wrong with it...but your mother said......"

Anyway..keep your chin up and your eyes on God..he is the one who will absolutely not let you down. Did you consider antidepressants just to help you get through the worst of it?

Take care
Smiles,
Dawn

Daybreak, you are a model mom and provider. I feel your frustration and the discomfort of disrespect. I, too, do "it all" for my kids and for the family front. There is little outward accolades for the job that we womenfolk do for the family as a whole. The appreciation comes later, which seems likes forever, especially when the "thanks for doing such a good job, Mom" should come when we, as mothers, need it most.

Time is on our side! As long as you feel comfortable with the methods that you've raised your brood without the support of the prodigal father figure, you have no reason to doubt your worth. You are a good woman, mother and partner, despite the uninvited turmoil that been laid upon your path.

Onward, Christian Soldier....

<small>[ May 21, 2003, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: GeezLouise ]</small>

OK, Dawn, is it time for tough love here? [Disclaimer: This is just my opinion, so you can junk it if you want to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Son lives here rent free, he has cable TV, internet, phone service, food and laundry facilities and detergent. And he can't get the trash out when asked the first time and I am horrible if I say to do it again!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My S hasn't wanted to be here for a year now but can't move out as he never has money, so he choses to make my life h*((!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">May I suggest that you jerk his cable, internet, and phone service, let him buy and cook his own food, and let his dirty clothes pile up on the floor UNTIL he treats you and you rules with respect?

How dare he take and take, disrespect you, and use your love to his benefit and not help out? He owes you big time.

Tell him that as long as he acts like a child, he will live by your rules and earn his privileges. If he wants to be an independent adult, he needs to act like one and take responsibilities. Otherwise, his life is yours to direct. Or he can move out and take care of himself.

Don't take that whining about wanting to move out but he can't afford it. Tough. If he is going to be an ungrateful child, then cut off his perks. Really, Dawn. Make him earn the comforts by being repectful and helpful. He takes out the trash and picks up his room without your mentioning it for one month, and then you will consider adding back the perks one by one. He backslides or mouths off to you about it, and the perks are gone.

You certainly do not owe him. He is an adult legally. Instead of HIM threatening to move out, YOU tell him to get out or get over it. There are plenty of 18 year olds taking care of themselves.

I listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger every day. She is absolutely firm about this concerning adult children. If they are disrespectful while demanding the benefits their loving parents offer, they need to be set free to make their own way. Tough love. It's not a punishment. It is a logical consequence.

I waited too long, taking our daughter's disrespectful behavior and worrying about the bad things that I needed to protect her from because she wasn't ready to face the world on her own. It was an awful several years with shouting and tears shed. Finally, I told her to move out. We let it get very unpleasant before it came to a head. I should have simply told her to leave way sooner before we had argued so much. We are OK now, and things are good. She acknowledges how bad she was and is sorry. But she had to get kicked out to grow up, and I enabled her to behave badly for too long.

It is really hard to let your "babies" go, but it does not help them OR YOU for them to continue to behave badly.

Seriously, take away all those niceties and make him earn them back one by one if he intends to continue to live in YOUR house and use your generosity.

I guess this pushed my button, huh. I learned my lesson too late. I don't like the thought of your son abusing your love especially when you are vulnerable. It's time to set boundaries (a la MB) and let him know what the consequences will be if he chooses not to comply. You can both benefit.

Take care,
Estes

<small>[ May 21, 2003, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</small>

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Let me know how you are doing.

Smiles,
Dawn

Dawn, I am real busy right at the moment with graduation and all of the things that I could've/should've done 2 weeks ago!!!! UGH!!!! I am fine, I had bad beginning to the week. My daughter is dealing with some depression of her own with all of the medical and stuff and I was just there and it was easy to lash out, I understood that all along, but it can still hurt!!!

Estes, I did not take offense in any way to what you had to say. I know that I am enabling him to continue the lifestyle and the attitude that he has at this time. I know that I must do something about it soon!!! I was hoping that his dad might kick some sense into him, I know!!! Probably won't. I have a plan as to how it is I am going to go about setting him free!!! I want to have the time to do it right and not be so busy myself!!! I have never wanted to kick them out, I've always wanted them to feel free to come and be comfortable hanging out here.

Graduation is Sunday!!! Yippee!!! I have most everything ready!!! We are going to eat and drink well afterwards!!!

X is coming tomorrow and that's just fine!!! OD said that stepmom is not coming and that's ok too!!! Am wondering if x will ask to stay in the basement since she won't be along!!! We'll see!!!

Have a great memorial weekend all, take a moment and remember and thank those that gave for us so that we may have the freedom to take a day off and honor them!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dawn,

Good Luck with graduation. We are going that next wkend.

Hi Dawn,

RE your S, it will work out OK. He's probably feeling really insecure with all that has been going on. Kids are so different. My S couldn't get out of town fast enough and never looked back (except to come visit). My D was at home until she was 24 (I told you she stayed in the nest toooo long!) and just this year at 31 moved to another town, and I miss her.

One of our high school's graduation was rained (stormed) out last night. We had 2 inches of rain which doubled our yearly total. It almost was rained out again tonight. Lightning struck next door and one of my computers got fried.

D, S, and GS are coming for a visit this weekend. I'm happy about that. xDIL hops around the country seeing the guy who was OM #2. She had him sleep over on Easter with GS in the house.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Told S that having a relationship with someone who "truly loved and respected her" was good for GS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> It's going to be an uphill battle for S to teach GS what a healthy male-female relationship looks like.

Re other thread. Glad you were the calm, cool hostess this afternoon.

Estes

Estes, It will be an up-hill battle for your son, but your son has contact with his son on a regular basis so he will be able to continue to show his son what a healthy relationship is and will be able to guide him in those years when it is time for him to date!!! All the things that I don't like about my son right now (I love him dearly, I just want him to grow up)he is awesome boyfriend material, he is so truly kind and caring about someone elses feelings, very romantic to boot!!

As I said I want him to grow up!!! He is a kid with the IQ of a genius. And hated it, says he also has a photgraphic memory. He never liked being the smart kid. He chose friends that were younger then him or slower then him. He has always been a game player, cards, (played poker at 4 and won) video, computer, magic any game he will allow him self to be engrossed. He just can't seem to grow up, doesn't want to grow up and have to be responsible member of society. He had attended a tech college while in VA it was an 18 month program he would have graduated on his 21st b-day, with an associate degree! People in the class ahead of him were being offered jobs starting at $40K a year in northern VA, I think that thought scared him and he dropped out!! Couldn't really tell me why, finally said that he had always wanted to be a web designer and got into it and didn't like it. Have never really bought that though.

So I set and wait for him to find himself as he work meaningless jobs, there are days that I lose my patients with him and it is hard to keep my tongue in control, sometimes I lose that battle. But like I said I have a plan that is a win/win for both of us. I just have to get it written out as he is the type that must see it in writing to get it!!!

Thank you so much for your thoughts and concern!!! Most people don't understand why it is I allow him to stay, there are days I wonder why it is I contiue to enable him, but then I remember that it just takes him a little longer sometimes to get it!!! Even with as smart as he is!!!

Take Care, hope that you enjoyed your weekend with your son, daughter and grandson!!! Continue praying for your DIL, prayer does wonderful things!!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />