I am BS, ex-WS had affair with someone in August while my grandmother was dying, he only knew her 3 weeks and she was married with a 2.5 year old.He refused to quit his job he worked at with her, we went to a counselor but she was more pro-divorce for us and was a bit wacky, we never counseled together, only separate, I asked him to leave Sept 8 when we got back from a week long trip that was bizarre - he went to his parents- which was a BIG mistake- because he never really learned to leave his parents and cleave to me- so mommy did all his stuff for him - he refused to sell the car he had sex in with her- he refused to go to church with me until January- He told me repeatedly that he would never see her or talk to her or have sex with her again- he did all those things and I busted him constantly- he started coming back around in December- found out in February it was because she was pregnant and he got scared- she is now divorced and only sees her son every other weekend and has no other parenting rights to her son- my ex constantly defended her and said what a bad man her ex was- my ex actually went so far in April as to get mad at me when I called her a whore and asked me what I was- I said scuse me, he said well you slept with me before we got married so doesn't that make you a harlot- I admit I said things that were awful to him (like his daughter to be would unfortunately have 2 disgusting parents and that if he was really selfless he and OW would give baby up for adoption and let her have a better life with someone else, I also slapped him a few times when I caught him with her) - I have actually taken MAJOR steps to forgive him and myself for these horrible horrible things- I sent him a Plan B letter in April and he sent me a letter back that was sweet- yet said no steps he would take to get away from OW- our divorce was final in March......the thing is, I used to think about all the good times we had and all the memories and how we will always be a part of each other and how I really want my marriage back and to work at it and be the best wife to him- here is my question- Does he deserve that? No, I know he doesn't deserve it- I guess my question is more, Do I want to give him that now? I have thought more in the past week about the bad stuff- about the bad fights we had- about his lack of responsibility- about how he was so passive- whether it be about birthdays, anniversaries, trips, deaths (when my dad's girlfriend jumped off a bridge and killed herself, a week later I was talking about it and he said I should get over it), the engagement proposal which consisted of "hey, you want to get married"- whatever- yet something else always came before me- his parents, his sister, his job, golf, my brother, the OW, the car for crying out loud.......I have begun to realize that I have had this illusion in my head for a long time of who my WH could become. Well, except by the grace of God- which I firmly believe in - that isn't going to happen. I don't think he has ever loved me like a husband should. And for that matter, I don't think I loved him as a wife should - because I either didn't want to, due to his passivity, or because I just didn't want to because I was selfish. Either way, I am coming to realize that there was really not much healthy about our relationship. We met in March 97, he asked me to play tennis/go swimming July 97, we had sex Aug. 97 (and I, nor he, had been with anyone else, amazingly), and I don't know if we ever built our relationship on solid footing of respect and admiration and true love. We just did what we wanted and to heck with the consequences. And it slowly eroded our relationship. So now I have come to a point where I think I really just want to move on. I have had 2 guys at work ask me out on dates....I have told them both no.....but it is nice to feel wanted. I don't know if I ever did with Ex-WH. If something wasn't easy, he wouldn't do it. Ok, to be fair, he would rarely do it. I am awestruck that 2 men have asked me out on dates. Not because I am not attractive or funny or smart, but because I don't know what it feels like after all this time, to truly be desired/wanted. Am I going crazy or am I finally getting back to sanity?

<grin> I think you're going cray-ZAY!!! Cut loose a bit... all the dv books suggest that you take time out for yourself... massages, impulvsive vacations, new clothes, hairstyles, weight loss... etc. Show 'em what your working with!

For heaven's sake... you might go out with these guys and have a miserable time... they could try to convert you to some Roswellian cult... maybe one of them cross-dresses... OR <takes a deep breath> they might make you laugh and you'll have a great time!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing about divorce says you can't make and have friends... and going out with a guy does not mean you are in an insta-relationship.

<grin> I think you're going cray-ZAY!!! Cut loose a bit... all the dv books suggest that you take time out for yourself... massages, impulvsive vacations, new clothes, hairstyles, weight loss... etc. Show 'em what your working with!

Lyxa,
You are a mess! hahaha. Actually the funny thing is I weighed 127 lbs at the most, last summer- my ex-WH said he wished I would get down to 110 again. He made a comment when I was shopping with a friend about how he couldn't believe I was in a size 8. Here is the funny thing- thanks to the affair/divorce diet, I now weigh about 108 lbs, wear size 2 or size 4, got a sassy perm, and shopped with my mom at the Southern women's show here like never before (bought girly stuff that I always felt bad buying with ex-WH- he thought it was a waste of money- golf wasn't though! (smile))
My mom, and others, have told me I look better than I have in years, and ex-WH is missing it all!
As for the guys- one of them is 20 years older than me and I have heard he may have a drinking problem.....I don't think I should date him but he is HILARIOUS and I love to hang out with him. He absolutely cracks me up. The other one- I just don't feel anything for- you think that is being too picky to not even go one date? I guess I am just scared- it is weird to have someone else find me attractive and date-worthy.

As TMCM told me adgirl </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just Learning, one the most wisest among us, recently told another Karl (whose WW is having a 2nd A) the following:

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It seems to me Karl, that you are in love with an illusion. You love the person you THINK, BELIEVE, HOPE your W is. Yet, you know that what you THINK. BELIEVE, HOPE is isn't reality."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It seems that the above is equally applicable to you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand your situation. My wife refused at first to maintain NC with the OM. However, I HOPE that now she is doing as she said. I also understand GREATLY your desire to be truly desired/wanted because right now I am not. Quite frankly, I do not know how I will handle the whole dating game agian if I end up in a divorce. I read in one of your other posts about being from TN. Well hello neighbor. I am from TN.

KarlM,
That is the post I was referring to in my subject. Thanks for copying it for me because I could not find it at the time. Where are you from in TN?
I am sorry for your situation too. So you are still trying to recover? How long has it been since NC?

Yes I am still trying. I do not know how long that I can take it. I suppose time will tell. It has been about 2 months since NC...this time. I am from Knoxville. How about you?

Nashville. I lived in Knoxville for a year and also about 23 years ago ...

I just heard this song while sitting at work.
Reminds me of my life!!! How about yours? Except I don't think we can just be
friends and it certainly didn't end with a simple telephone call. But you get
the gist..
All Or Nothing
Written by Steve Mac/Wayne Hector
(Oooh) I know when (s)he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realise
It's over, over
It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's got to give
As sharing this relationship
Gets older, older
You know I'd fight for you
But how can I find someone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
I don't care if that's not fair
'Cos I want it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom
It's now or never
Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends with a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all
There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you in memories
I feel it in my heart but I don't show it, show it
And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe it's right
I know it, know it
Don't make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
It's time for show and tell
'Cos I want it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom
It's now or never
Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends with a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all
'Cos I want it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
It's now or never
Is it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom
It's now or never
Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends with a simple telephone call
Will you leave me here with nothing at all

Thankfully I still have much more than just him (God, family, friends, health, job, peace and the list goes on) so I am not left with nothing at all!!!

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

adgirl, I hate to admit it but I have listened to that song by O'town many times. My kids love that song so I keep the CD in the car for them. My favorite thru this whole thing has been "Who's that man" by Koby Keith as well as many others.

"Who's That Man"

Turn left at the old hotel
I know this boulevard much too well it hasn't changed since I been gone
Oh this used to be my way home

They paved the road thru the neighborhood
I guess the county finally fixed good it was gettin' rough
Someone finally complained enough

Fight the tears back with a smile
Stop and look for a little while oh it's plain to see
The only thing missing is me

That's my house and that's my car
That's my dog in my back yard
There's the window to the room
Where she lays her pretty head
I planted that tree out by the fence
Not long after we moved in
That's my kids and that's my wife
Who's that man, runnin' my life

If I pulled in would it cause a scene
There not really expectin me those kid's have been thru hell
I hear they've adjusted well

Turn around in the neigbors drive
I'd be hard to recognise in this pick-up truck
It's just an old fixer up

Drive away one more time
Lot of things runnin' thru my mind I guess the less things change
The more they never seem the same

That's my house and that's my car
That's my dog in my back yard
There's the window to the room
Where she lays her pretty head
I planted that tree out by the fence
Not long after we moved in
That's my kids and that's my wife
Who's that man, runnin' my life

That's my house and that's my car
That's my dog in my back yard
There's the window to the room
Where she lays her pretty head
I planted that tree out by the fence
Not long after we moved in
That's my kids and that's my wife
Who's that man, runnin' my life

I HOPE that I do not have to live this song. I sincerely thought this was me MANY times.

karlm,
I know that song. I really really hope you don't have to live that song. !!!!!

oh I heard this song today too for the first time - this is the kind of marriage I want.
. How Do I Love Her?
by Steven Curtis Chapman
Well you know it's not the first time
And it will not be the last
When You find me here on my knees
Praying for the storm to pass

But what I am really needing
Is much more than just relief
I am crying out for wisdom
Only You can give to me
Cause it's such a mystery
I'm a clueless man
When it comes
To knowing how to love a woman

How do I love her?
How do I let her know she means more than anything to me?
How do I love her?

Out of all the gifts You've given
Besides the very gift of life
There is none as precious to me
As the treasure of my wife

And still all the love in my heart
Is like a raindrop to the sea
When compared to Your love for her
And thats why I ask You please
Will You teach me what she needs
I'm a earnest man
When it comes
To learning how to love this woman

How do I love her?
How do I let her know she means more than anything to me?
How do I love her?

Well I know it's gonna to take a lifetime
To answer this prayer I pray
But that's okay
Cause I've given You and her my lifetime anyway

How do I love her?
How do I let her know she means more than anything to me?
How do I love her?

Won't you tell me, tell me please...

adgirl..I sincerely hope that person comes into your life and makes it greater than you ever thought it could be.

Thanks KarlM. Me too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />