and it's left me in a pensive place.

Usually, going to a wedding doesn't do this to me. Most of the weddings I go to are for young couples.

But, I've known this woman for more than 20 years. I knew her first husband. I know she is lucky to be alive - lucky that his choices didn't kill her.

I've heard her tales of recovering from her coaddiction to his problems. Her tales of struggling with her bipolar disorder, her bulimia, her food addiction, her job dissatisfaction, her desire to move to another part of the state, all the men she has been infatuated with, all her efforts to remake herself into what these men wanted.

I helped her pack to move away when she had a chance to 'follow her bliss'. Thought I would die. She was the last link in my emotional support network. I can't tell you how many times we were telephone counselors for each other.

She moved away last year - only weeks after meeting a man on the internet. Several months later, he quit his job here and moved in with her in the other part of the state.

Saturday, I photographed their wedding.

Here was my overweight 55-y-o friend with her new love. And they do seem happy together.

They seem so happy together. I do, truly, hope this is a life-long happiness.

But it left me wondering.....

Is there anyone out there who will ever want to love me that way? Who will ever be able to be there for me? To meet my ENs? Sometimes I think he hasn't appeared because I'm not ready. I don't know that I have the energy and strength to get ready - to grow closer to what I need to be.

But, despite the fact I find my life reasonably fulfilling and certainly challenging, I feel like something is missing. I don't have time, usually, to wallow. But right now, I think I'm wallowing.

It was so wonderful to see mature people make that committment to each other. It really was.

I guess I'm feeling like no one has been committed to me in maybe 20 years. And here I am. A smart, funny, energetic, usually optimistic, curious, basically joyous woman.

Has there ever been a love-of-my-life? Will there be?

It's not that I need a man. It's not that I want to get married. I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's that I want to ... oh, I don't know.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 01:10 AM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

Cinderella - according to the counselor I am seeing, weddings are going to be hard to take for a long time. You wish the couple a joyous life, a love that lasts for ever. Envious, maybe, maybe it is the reality that your age is creeping up. It is not easy meeting mature people. Most mature people are set in their ways, have a lifestyle that they don't want to change. The sense of sharing a life with someone else, after a divorce is not easy. One person has been hurt severely. And the trust is not going to be easy to attain. I see one statement that seemed to be a weight issue. You stated that she being overweight. Are you not happy with your weight, or woe is me that she is overweight and she was able to get someone in her life. Maybe you should join a gym. You are optomistic, energetic, funny and joyous woman - do you really feel this way? Just wanting to know. Cause if you do, then start by acting this way. And like Dr. Phil said. Think in the terms that you will find someone to share your life with. Think in the terms of this is your life, and yes there is someone out there that will love you for you. You said your were optimistic, someone will be there for you and think positive.

I wallowed in my x-husbands affair, ballistic actions, his injury to me causing me to have surgery on my shoulder, the physical pain I am in, and all his ballistic actions after the affair, and his lies and betrayal. I did this for a long time. I am a very sensitive person, and a caregiver. I gave and gave my whole life to my x-husband and my kids. I kept saying to myself, why me, why me.!!!! But now, I am so sure of my life being better. Not sure how it will be better. Financially, I am in deep trouble, but God is in control of my life.

Cinderella, I am looking to find a person that will share my life one day. I am thinking positive. I know that there will be someone in my life. We may not be husband and wife, but we will be good friends that share vacations, and do things together. Not really at this point wanting another marriage. My x-husband has shown me distrust for many many years. His lies, have hurt, his deceit, and his stating that I was the one who did wrong in this marriage. I am the one that screwed up the kids, was very unthoughtful and demeaning. I haven't screwed up the kids. If they can't accept that I was hurting severely by x-husbands actions, then they will learn in the future about trust and committment.

Cinderella, don't dwell on marriage. Look at smiling, being happy, having a job, doing things that are fun. What about a gym, you can meet some really nice men there? Joining a club, or going back to school. I am going to start school this fall. Hey, there are art clubs, bicycle clubs. That is another grouop I am going to participate in. There is a bicycle group very close to me, and I just found a bike in the garbage yesterday. I am going to see about having it restored, a dirt/road bike. It is messing a seat, but I can find someone to fix it up, or take it to a bike shop to see if it is fixable. The bicycle group has people that are from their 20's to 70's. I am an outdoorsy person. Love to be in Gods nature and life.

Cinderella, you need to start moving on. Your frined has found someone in her life, you two can still talk, and have lunch together. Be happy for her, and the happiness you feel for her will revolve back to you. There is someone out there for you to share your life with, maybe not on marriage, but friendship. Look at it at this first step, of friendship only. Then it could turn into a life of marriage.

I don't want you to be upset with me. But you sound a little envious, and this is her happy time. She was probably just being herself, and someone found her so delightful. Don't try to change yourself that it is not you. Change some things, cause all of us need changing in one way or another. God had to change also. Change your appearance, a new haircut, coloring, highlighting. Change the style of clothing you wear. But be you, and there will be someone out there that is just smitten with you!

Hard to think about this at times. I am not happy all the time. But over the last 2 months, I am getting happier and happier. I made a truthful evaluation of myself. There are some things that I want to change and somethings that are just fine. We all have to accomodate some changes when there is someone else entering our lives. I am willing to accept that, but no more control and telling me that I am not good enough. That person will be gone, before they can start.

Cincerella, think positive, think beautiful, think smart, think witty, and you will be fine. You have posted many helpful answers here. You have helped so many of us. You are a great woman, a great counselor a great listener. You will do fine, patience is Gods word. Have a great day.

I went to a wedding last year, it makes you wonder what they found that you didnt or couldnt. It also made me wonder if they REALLY found IT or will they end up unhappy like me. Attending someone elses happy event when your own happiness is lacking really makes you wonder, dont it??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cinderella:
<strong> Is there anyone out there who will ever want to love me that way? Who will ever be able to be there for me? To meet my ENs? Sometimes I think he hasn't appeared because I'm not ready. I don't know that I have the energy and strength to get ready - to grow closer to what I need to be. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My lovely princess,

I think I can identify with the problem here. You love your friend, and you're happy for HER that she has found someone to share her life with, but it has highlighted something for you. All those years you were married, you loved HIM (the ex)...you were "there" for him...as best as you knew at the time, you met his needs...and no one has ever been there like that for you.

We are grown-ups now, you and I, and we realize that there is more to commitment and marriage than the lovely, smooshy feeling--more than great sex--more than being "mom and dad." It takes dedication and patience and all that, but here's the biggie: it takes someone who wants to know you so well that even after they see all your flaws and imperfections, they are still WILLING to support you and encourage you and meet your needs and not lovebust!! It takes someone WILLING to work on themself as hard as you are working on you, and someone WILLING to be responsible for their own choices, their own behavior, their own imperfections, and themself!

Personally, I think you might be bumming today as part of a long process. It's hard to realize that no one has ever been with you, been there for you, or loved you in a mature way. It hurts. For you, it especially hurts because you are such a smart, funny, energetic, usually optimistic, curious, basically joyous woman--and you forgot to mention that you're pretty!!!

Princess, I don't mean this as envious as it sounds, but I have a friend who is greatly overweight--and you know me, I'm not a stick!--and when my stbxH had his affair I distinctly remember thinking, "Why does SHE have a husband and family who will never leave her, and I'm prettier and my husband left me??" (Okay, not my most mature moment, but it's true nonetheless.) My point here is not about envy, but rather that on an occasion, if we were honest, that's what we think once-in-a-while. Why me? I'm fun and pretty and smart and just the GREATEST PERSON!! Why doesn't someone love ME like those two love each other???

So, it's cool--it's natural. I say wallow in it a bit, maybe throw a pity party, and then remember this one thing: you don't need to be "close to the person you need to be" for someone to come along who loves you. You are who you are and you are loveable as you are NOW. You are a PRINCESS, and you are the kind of woman that men worship and serve (heehee).

Your faithful lady-in-waiting,

CJ

Wow. That could have been written by me. That's exactly how I've been feeling this past weekend and today. I feel so alone. Not for people, but for that one, soulmate that my heart is still looking for. I'm 46 and wondering if I'll ever find him or him me.

I can't offer you any advice cause I'm feeling exactly the same way. Just wanted to let you know that I can totally relate.

Aloha,
Ms.O

O no, this is NOT good - our Fair Princess is down. I'm sorry to hear this wedding got you down.
You sound almost exactly like my wife did: just before I met her. We got married 3 years ago and she's happy.
You WILL find love, I know the waiting is hard. My wife waited 7 years before I came along, and believe it or not - we met online in Personals Ads! Not the typical internet horror stories you read about but sincerity. Believe me - you WILL find someone - have you heard of the woman/man ratio lately? It's in your favour - you can't lose!
Cheer up, Princess!

From Journey: 'Someday, Love Will Find You'

Here we stand
World's apart, hearts broken in two
Sleepless nights
Losing ground
I'm reaching for you

Feelin' that it's gone
Can change your mind
If we can't go on
To survive the tide love divides

*Someday love will find you
Break those chains that bind you
One night will remind you
How we touched and went our separate ways
If he ever hurts you
True love won't desert you
You know I still love you
Though we touched and went our separate ways

Troubled times
Caught between confusion and pain
Distant eyes
Promises we made were in vain

If you must go, I wish you love
You'll never walk alone
Take care my love
Miss you love

(*chorus*)

I still lvoe you girl
I really love you girl
And if he ever hurts you
True love won't desert you
No....no...

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong> Look at smiling, being happy, having a job, doing things that are fun. What about a gym, you can meet some really nice men there? Joining a club, or going back to school. I am going to start school this fall. Hey, there are art clubs, bicycle clubs. That is another grouop I am going to participate in.

Cinderella, you need to start moving on. Your frined has found someone in her life, you two can still talk, and have lunch together. Be happy for her, and the happiness you feel for her will revolve back to you. There is someone out there for you to share your life with, maybe not on marriage, but friendship. Look at it at this first step, of friendship only. Then it could turn into a life of marriage.

Change some things, cause all of us need changing in one way or another. God had to change also. Change your appearance, a new haircut, coloring, highlighting. Change the style of clothing you wear.</strong>

Faith4Me, I'm not mad or upset. But I guess you see reality differently from me.

Doing the single mom thing doesn't leave me a lot of time. I've had 2 children with no other adult at home for 8 years almost. doofus left when they were 4 and 2.

We leave home about 7:15 in the morning and we get home about 6 pm on the good days. That leaves me homework and dinner and bed time to deal with. With an ADHD/ODD child, there is not enough patience in my body or time on the clock to get all that done and have any time to myself until 10:30 pm.

We have a non-traditional parenting schedule which works for us but seldom gives me more than 8 free hours on a Saturday. I either have to be home by 3 pm or can't leave until 3 pm.

Now what clubs are there during the week that I can participate in? Children are home by 8 on the one weekday evening they spend with their dad.

A single mom who works in state government and had to start her career over so she's earning what she did 12 years ago - with a mortgage and private school tuition, and 2 children....Just where does the money fot the hair, the gym, the clothes come from?

Didn't mean to rain on your parade. But day care this summer will cost me almost $800 a month. That's about half of my gross. I happen to earn just enough that - coupled to my child support - I don't qualify for any fee reductions that I can find. Or I qualify for a 40% reduction at a place that's $195 a week per child.

fortyone, yeah it made me wonder about a lot of things.

CJ - you get it! You know, I couldn't be happier for my friend. I just hope it lasts and lasts and lasts. You are like my sister and sometimes we've wondered if our h's might have been biological brothers. If anyone would get it, it would be you!

I did love my x. I think I truly did. I wouldn't have him back if he crawled through burning sands and groveled at my feet. I've been too badly hurt.

So, am I really over the hurt? Is anyone ever?

And I saw this wedding from a different perspective than usual. I spent the whole time seeing the wedding from behind my camera. I had to use my head the whole time. I knew almost no one there and I was the main photographer. So, I saw it as images. And it was different from being a normal guest. It made me want to be inside those heads.

DJ- Yeah, I'm down. I'll perk up. Some sleep would help.

It doesn't help that I haven't seen the diplomat in months and months and months. That will end soon!

But, in my heart, there is this longing - I think it is the longing for true acceptance and companionship from someone who can be there to give me a hug when I want or need it. Things that didn't exist in my marriage. I gave my all to those ideals but I don't think the x did.

The vows this couple exchanged centered around the principle of love, loyalty, and friendship. Not some pie-in-the-sky smooshy stuff. But things more easily understood. That's all I remember about the ceremony - other than the fact they stood under a tree with about 40 friends and relatives gathered loosely around them.

Love, loyalty, and friendship. Hmmm. Somehow I missed out on them before.

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 11:47 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

I, too, understand how you feel. I've been to several weddings in the past few years and always get that "why not me?" feeling. Even though I know that mature love is about more than the lovely, smooshy feeling... [and] great sex I, too, wonder if I'll ever find the love-of-my-life that I thought I had in my H.

I'm dating a very nice man. We have fun together and he treats me well. He's putting up with my messy divorce, while I've procrastinated because I don't feel ready to deal with the drama and the abusiveness again, and he's willing to work on himself along with me. But, maybe it's just too soon. I'm not ready to let down my guard with anyone yet, not all the way, and he seems to feel the same way as he was also recovering from a broken heart when we met.

Next weekend I'm going to the wedding of a friend who's H of 20 years went to his HS reunion about five years ago and left the next day with his HS sweetheart. My friend has had bariatric surgery for her weight problem and is still somewhat overweight (since the weight issue came up) but the OW was even heavier than my friend and had a serious mental disorder as well - as we know, A's aren't about who's more attractive, intelligent, or interesting (I can still get worked up about my WH's 20-something MOW...). My friend met her current fiance on-line and she really seems happy now.

I, too, felt like I gave my all and for some reason assumed that my STBXH felt the same way, because he said so, even though he didn't show it a lot of the time. As damaged as my self-esteem was by the A, I don't think I'll ever allow a relationship to drift downhill while telling myself that things will get better someday and ignoring all signs to the contrary. I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than go through that again!

Talked about the whole deal with one of my best friends in this world. This person knows how long I have known this bride and we talked about some issues related to how I feel.

I know my friend who got married is bipolar. And I know she knows that her life depends on her taking her medication. I have known her in her hyper-manic moments. Maybe what I feel is apprehension for her. What if she is sort of low-grade manic right now? What if she comes out of that state and realizes she has made a big mistake? What if the man she marries realizes how tough life can be sometimes for bipolar people and he decides he wants out. Maybe I'm feeling some concern there.

And maybe I am physically tired from the busy life I live and from the demands of running my family by myself with no backup for the moments when I am overloaded. Sort of wishing I had someone with whom I could 'job share'.

Oh, well, I think I'm over the crisis now. Thanks for listening.