I have been married for 2 years. I dated this girl for 3 years prior and was pressured into marrying here earlier than I wanted to. When I first met her, I was very attracted to her and she was a riot. We both liked to go out and stay out late. We enjoyed movies, clubs/bars, we both smoked, and generally had a good time. We also enjoyed sex together. 2 years into dating she cut me off sexually and said no more until we were married. She continued to push me until I finally proposed. During the last 2 years of dating I started to notice things about here that should have been serious red flags. She would constantly break down, get very angry at me, want to sit and cry on stairs all by her self. Only an hour later she would be just fine with no explanation for her actions. Oh, she attempted suicide once right after college before I knew her and had to have her stomach pumped. Her mom is looney,(or bi-polar) but refuses to get help. My wife has tried zolof(sp) but does not take it now. After marraige she quit smoking and said I could no longer smoke. Then night of our wedding in the hotel she broke down and started to ball when we began having sex for the 1st time. Our sex life is non-existant. She is still emotionally trying to me and I just cannot take it any longer. We have no kids and I think I made a serious mistake. I want to get out while we are still young(somewhat, we are 27) so that we can both continue with our lives. What should I do?

First thing you should do is get some expert counseling...

You need to take control of the situation before it gets worse.

I second the advice hoping4best gave you AND I would add that you do not have any more sex with her because of the possibility of getting her pregnant. It would be very tragic to bring an inocent child under those circumstances.

Mental issues, right up my alley, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, the writings on the wall, get out BEFORE she ends up giving you children,27 is very young, and you have a shot at a real life with a better woman, RUN to your nearest lawyer and start TODAY. RED FLAG: mom is looney,{ you said it} your wife cries for no reason, {thats because she has what mom has, and she's not going to do anything about it either} MY wife has a similar problem, and she's gotten worse, I was your age when we met, I saw red flags and ignored them because I felt sorry for her, trust me I made a horrible mistake, she's ran me into the ground with no remorse. Their sick, and they LIEN on you, not lean, I SAID LIEN, that what mental illness is, a LIEN, ON YOU FOREVER< RUN FOR YOUR LIFE and cut your losses, dont fall for the Marriage builders guilt trip, her problem's not a canidate for this sites content, sorry, just the facts as I see it, good luck.

gearharl,

Ditto fortyone, situations created by mental illness cannot be cured by MB techniques. There is little you can do because the basis of the problem is within her, and you have no power to change that. The problem is not you.

My son recently lost a struggle to repair his marriage with a woman who brought emotional problems into the relationship. Like your W, his wife's mother also has a mental illness (bipolar). There was no way for anyone to win this one.

If you think intensive long-term psychiatric treatment will return your W to a normal life, it might be your choice to remain in the M. Otherwise, you have the right to remove yourself from the situation because her mental illness is resulting in your emotional abuse. You are being denied a normal martial relationship.

Thank goodness you have no children. As TOOmuchcoffeeman said, avoid a pregnancy at all cost!! Sadly, my grandson is shuttled between his dad and his mother who continues to "entertain" men friends even while a 4-year old child is present, and my son is chained to this disturbed woman forever through their little boy.

Before you finalize you decision, check with a professional counselor who has seen situations like this before. He/She can give you some direction and support.

No matter how hard you try, you can't win against untreated mental illness. I'm sorry for your situation. I hope you find peace soon.

Estes

<small>[ May 22, 2003, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</small>

Gearharl, your wife doesn't seem to have many defenders here so I'll say something.

Your W has an inherited mental/physical illness. This does not mean she is a hopeless case and your marriage is doomed. Bipolar is treatable.

Your W's story is very familiar to me. My first episode occured right before I was married but I didn't know what it was. For the first years of our marriage my H and I suffered through my rages, depression, paranoia, breakdowns, energy/sleep/sex-drive fluctuations, and strange moods not knowing what was wrong with me.

Here's where our stories part ways... I kept searching until I found the help I needed and my husband (the wonderful man) supported me completely through everything. He never gave up on me. I cannot express my gratitude for that. I was a lucky girl, the first med (Lithium) worked for me. I stablized and returned to my pre-illness self.

See a happy ending IS possible.

Your W needs help. She needs a competant pschiatrist/doctor to deal with her illness and therapy to deal with the life issues that stem from living with this illness. She needs the support of her family and friends to do this. She needs you.

You need help. Individual councilling and/or a support group for spouses of people with mental illness with help you deal with your marriage situation and your feelings of resentment, fear, and anger. Learn all you can about Bipolar and mental illness, it will help you understand your W better.

Remember she is not doing this to hurt you. She is in as much pain as you.

There was one comment in your post that bothered me. ~"Looney (or bi-polar)"~ This smacks of ignorance and makes me angry. There is a stigma attached to mental illness. It hurts. We are not our illness. We did not chose to have it. This stigma prevents people from seeking help when they need it. ("Only crazy people see pschiatrists!") It destroys relationships. ("Don't get close, she's a looney.") It can prevent us from getting jobs, promotions, etc. The stress of this stigma can even make our illness worse. By holding this "looney" attitude you may even make it more difficult for your W to cope or get help.

In the end it is your choice whether or not to divorce the same as it is your W's choice to get help. We cannot tell you what to do ... we don't know your life. Perhaps you can cope, perhaps you will give up.

Whether or not you stay married to her please support her in her search for treatment. You never know, she could turn out to be like me.

Stable (with contributions from her wonderful Husband)

BTW Zoloft is an anti-depressant used to treat depression. Bipolar is is treated using mood stabilizers (Lithium), therapy, and sometimes (if needed) the addition of an ant-depressant. Regulation of diet, exercise, stress, and sleep help too. Also, depression causes lack of sex-drive ... so do some anti-depressants. I think Zoloft is one of them.

Stable,

Your point is well taken. As one who has been treated for depression myself and who has seen the illness in others in my family, I totally agree with what you have said. I'm glad for the good outcome for you and your H that has come from agressive treatment and lots of love.

When the person suffering from depression or bipolar disorder will not commit to recovery or even stay in treatment, however, the spouse is defenseless and no amount of love or support from the spouse will save the relationship.

Thanks for your insight, Stable.

gearharl, I would be interested in hearing about how your W looks at her condition.

Estes

Good points stable, but try getting a sick person to get help when she swears she's doing "just fine" without it, yea, SHE"s FINE", everyone around her has big problems though, My wife went to a family DR complaining of shortness of breath and heart flutters, after telling the Dr about her life and getting no bad test results on heart and lungs the DR pescribed Lithium and a psycologist, my wife snapped out and said she's NOT A MENTAL CASE, total denial, why would an MD suggest mental help if the MD didnt see "issues" here? NOW WHAT??? I dealt with the denial and the roller coaster for years, she wins, she's not "nuts", but now I am, so i'm outta there.

I appreciate the responses and encourage more from others as well. I have not been having sex with her lately. One concern I have is about the splitting of assets. Divorce has been discussed in the past and she tells me she doesnt want any of my personal assets that I have prior to us being married (like my trust funds) and that we would split what we have now and walk away. Can I get this on paper / make it legally binding some how? How do I keep her from taking me to the cleaners?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gearharl:
<strong>I appreciate the responses and encourage more from others as well. I have not been having sex with her lately. One concern I have is about the splitting of assets. Divorce has been discussed in the past and she tells me she doesnt want any of my personal assets that I have prior to us being married (like my trust funds) and that we would split what we have now and walk away. Can I get this on paper / make it legally binding some how? How do I keep her from taking me to the cleaners?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Consult with an attorney.

After reading up on bi/polar disorder you should then decide what you are going to do.
Remember your vows.
If she was in a car wreck and was now disabled would you divorce her.
I have a friend with a grown daughter who is bi/polar. It's hard for most people to understand. She has acted out with me. It bothered me then but I know and understand her disorder now and I don't take it personally.
Only you can know if you are strong enough to deal with this condition.
Can you stop taking her swings so personally?
Can you learn to remove the behavior from the person?
With the right encouragment she could go to the right doctor and seek aid from medication. It takes a while to get the formula right. You must be patient with her.
I wouldn't walk away until you know you did your part in understanding her.
I'll pray for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Aly

I have been thinking of nothing else but this for so long its driving me mad. I honestly think that she would be so much happier with someone else, and I as well, its just that divorce is a tough thing to swallow. I know she would have NO problems as men are hitting on her all the time, she truly is a beautiful woman, but the wrong one for me. I have been thinking of what keeps us together and totally discounting all of the potential mental problems she may have, and the only thing I can think of is time. Time that we have spent together so far. You know how it is, that, after 5 years 3 dating, 2 married, its difficult to split and start over, but we are 27! She wants kids, I dont, She doesnt smoke, I do, I love motor sports, cars, model airplanes, racing, camping, spending time at my family cottage with friends, playing computer games, setting goals and reaching them, keeping a clean house, ironing, etc. All of these strange things, I like, she does not! Thats just the tip of the ice berg. Is it not possible that at the time we met we both really wanted to be with someone and even after the first year of dating(and the several red flags I began to see) that we stuck together only because we remembered not having somebody and having somebody at the moment was more fun? I'm sorry, and I feel selfish, but I think I can hack that stage again. I feel more and more like I cannot change who she is to be who I want her to be. I want someone who is already intersted genuinely(sp) in what I am. oh what to do.

So you are absolutely, positively sure that a divorce is what you want?

So it's not her condition but her?

Aly

yes, get a divorce, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

the problem is that she might control it now, but if she is bipolar, then she will again feel normal, and decide that she doesn't need her meds any more, and you are back at square one.

I knew my X had OCD issues, and as she got older other problems flared up, related to FOO issues, and other illnesses. They seldom just come in one shape and form.

I say, you are young, no kids. . . get out and get while thegoing is good. . . . and promise yourself that you will extrapolate your next wife's expected lifestyle from how you judge her parent's life style, because she will tend to want to repeat it. . . .

as a good dr./author makes a serious point, marrying someone like yourself similar backgrounds, similar family of origins, similar personalities, makes the conflicts easier to resolve, and less of them. . .

wiftty

I am afraid it is not only issues but it is also her. The sex is ruined and I have no interest in it with her. I know how she is too, she will be fine now(like she currently is) because she sees that I am unhappy and will do whatever she thinks she has to, like now she says the sex is great and she is begging for it. But, in time, a few months or so, downhill again. I believe I have fallen out of love. This leads me to the splitting of assets. She has told me before she doesnt want any of my personal assets(I have trust funds) but can I believe her? We did not get a pre-numptual agreement. Can you have an agreement similar to this after your already married? I live in NC if it helps at all. This is really my concern now. I am thinking seriously of leaving. I'll sell the house and split it, she can have half of all our current possesions. She can keep her car and loan, I'll keep mine, etc. I also dont want to get stuck givnig her money to keep her "lifestyle" as I make a little over 100k each year and she makes 32k(but aside from house/cars, we have no credit debt). I am concerned.

How sad the women is ill. if she had a brain tumor or cancer would you just leave her too?

I think you are shallow and your lifestyle is something to think about also, where did you meet each other.

you act like she is a piece of trash or something.
she is ill she needs help, why don't you take her to see a doctor before you walk out on her?

then get your divorce if needed..if she was on meds she would be stabalized and be what she was like before.

perhaps it was what you liked about her before
was her impulsiveness and that is her illness..
I feel sorry for her that she got stuck with someone as shallow as you are.

It might be better for her to be on her own away from you.
God bless her and help her get treatment so she feels better soon.
please help her, don't kick her to the curb..
be kind..to her she is not an animal..she is the women you married and promised to love and cherish till death do you part..

I am sure it is not fun for her to be feeling as she does.right now.
I really hope you think about talking to her about getting help. you said she works too but that might not be true in the near future unless she gets on meds..soon..
please take care of her..now..
Keep on keeping on.

I will be praying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This is not a brain tumor, car wreck, better or worse situatiuon. She concealed (whether deliberately by masking, or unconciously by self-denial)her true psychological profile, bringing this INTO the marriage. He would not have married her had he fully understood these things. He owes her nothing, vows are null and void without complete disclosure AND informed intent. That is a fundamental legal, moral, and ethical principle. It is why we have ages of consent, and unenforceable financial contracts (on minors) for example. It is why we have competency hearings, etc. etc. marriage does not void this principle. For all practical (morally) purposes the marriage never occured, there was not an informed meeting of the minds. It is quite possible she is incapable of marriage with anyone, has no capacity for marital committment/behaviour. However, if she fully reveals who she is to someone, and they knowingly (and competently understand) accept her under those circumstances, then that is a different circumstance, does not seem to apply here.

Further he is fully empowered to leave this relationship. Relationships must fundamentally be voluntary, otherwise they are about power. He does not need to have a reason, or permission, he just takes the necessary steps to end it, hopefully in a responsible manner for his sake and hers. Describing this as treating her like trash was an inappropriate statement, unless he mistreats her in the process. However, being married only 2 years, no kids, and she is fully employed, seems he has very little requirements other than civility. This notion mentally disabled, or emotionally disabled people who successfully pursue someone to marry them, usually by being on their best manipulative behaviour, and/or actively concealing (violateing radical honesty) their intents/feelings etc. then expecting to be rewarded by a lifetime of focus on them is very disturbing. The consequence of not being who your spouse thought s/he was marrying is they are empowered to leave, no questions asked.

sad eyes your comment was profoundly disturbing. You consider it shallow not to want to make the prodigious emotional/psychological investment it takes to be the rehabilitative or caretaker partner to a mentally/emotionally ill/disturbed individual? Is that true? If so, then we should all seek out such individuals for marriage, or we are shallow? Your opinion defines sacrificial marriage, a model we know does poorly as a lifestyle. One could argue perhaps that after 20-30 years of marriage a certain pro forma acceptance has occured, and leaveing for that reason alone might justify ethical consideration. One could argue by time alone full disclosure and acceptance has occured, and leaveing would be a kind of better or worse abandonment issue, would depend on the circumstances. But early in a marriage finding out someone is not who you thought they were, and that their behaviour is NOT marital material, just means you made a mistake, and are empowered to correct it. Seeking out a competent marital partner to spend your life with, raise kids with, and who can pull their weight.

<small>[ June 02, 2003, 08:35 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

sufdb said:
This notion mentally disabled, or emotionally disabled people who successfully pursue someone to marry them, usually by being on their best manipulative behaviour, and/or actively concealing (violateing radical honesty) their intents/feelings etc. then expecting to be rewarded by a lifetime of focus on them is very disturbing.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ June 02, 2003, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: Stable ]</small>

What else could it be stable? The statement speaks for itself. I have seen your threads elsewhere, it is a difficult subject, there is no point in pretending it is not disturbing, and fraught with lifetimes of extreme outcomes. The point is no one is alive to be a sacrificial lamb to another human being as a life partner. It is not required, is not emotionally healthy, and is not shallow or selfish to choose not too. I am not talking about societies response to such circumstances. People can and should be cared about by the community (and their family), supported in various ways and so forth. We are not talking about that here, we are talking about marriage, something decidely not societal, but intensely personal for the individual. One cannot hold any individual to a sacrificial standard, life does not, cannot, work that way. So my point here was to refute the notion the poster owes his w anything on that basis, or should feel guilty about not acting sacrificially. Now if he wants to take on this responsibility WITH HIS EYES WIDE OPEN IN UNDERSTANDING, as your H has with you, then that is fine, laudable, and meets the standard of individual choice, so it can work, as it seems to be for you. It doesn't make your H any better human being than someone who would have chose otherwise, the choices are equal, it just works for you two (and I am happy for you).

Keep in mind one of the major factors is often the willingness of the afflicted individual to take responsibility for themself, mitigateing the affect on their life. Often though, that does not happen...likewise where does it stop? When do we say emotional/mental dysfunction is too extreme to function maritally and becomes nothing more than a caretaking circumstance not a marriage.

<small>[ June 02, 2003, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>