I have seen several posts below dealing with this topic, and I think my husband may be bisexual, or at least has gay fantasies. I don't have any evidence he has ever done anything about it, but I have caught him looking at gay pictures on the web, and recently found an overdue notice from a video store for two gay videos.<P>My question to those who have been in this situation, is how are you able, if you are, to feel sexual desire for your husband anymore? Do people stay in these kinds of marriages? Wouldn't it hurt your self-esteem to stay?<P>My husband is going to a counselor, alone, at my suggestion after I confronted him with the "video invoice" evidence. He says he loves me and wants to be married to me "for the long run," but I am not sure it is really the best thing for either of us, even if he doesn't act on his fantasies. What do people think about the potential for this kind of situation?

Dear 525 - <P>You can't blame people for having fantasies, no matter how odd. You can blame people for acting on those fantasies. 525, fantasies are just that - fantasies! That is why they are so valuable, often if not usually more valuable than when they are acted out. It is perfectly normal to fantasize about "taboo" topics. <P>The legal system doesn't prosecute people for their imaginations ("I wanted to murder her!") and neither should we. While it is admirable that you are interested in addressing this topic of marital concern, don't go over the deep end yet by even contemplating divorce!<P>Regarding your H going to counseling at your suggestion, your H sounds like a good guy who wants to please you and is willing to work to make that happen - hello? How common is that attitude? Appreciate his effort!<P>Many people in very healthy marriages watch porn (with all sorts of combinations involved in it) together to spice up their sex lives. Other people wouldn't think of doing so, but don’t care if one spouse want to do so alone. It all depends on what works in a particular marriage - by mutual agreement. Don't let yourself be overwhelmed yet by the fact that you're in the conflict stage and have an issue to address - keep yourself engaged - don’t go into withdrawal, it just makes matters worse.<P>Please keep in mind that to some extent if you blow this issue out of proportion, you may be giving it a greater importance than it deserves, and may cause your H to think it is more of a problem than it is. Meaning, if your H says and shows he loves you, is in it for the long haul, and has never acted out fantasies that you find inappropriate, what's the problem?<P>Regarding "Wouldn't it hurt your self-esteem to stay?" Why would it, 525? Are you really saying that you are threatened by perceiving the images in his fantasy life as a message that you're not fulfilling all of his sexual needs in the real world? That’s not how it works - people have fantasies because it is safe, and don’t act on them because it is not safe to do so, in many ways (emotionally, etc.). <P>The issue is whether the fantasy is one of those rare ones that is really an everyday need that hasn’t been addressed, which is why it’s so important to know if he’s acted on his fantasy or if he wants to act it out. Why haven't you asked your H whether he's acted out these fantasies or not? You don't mention in your post how well SF is met in your marriage, by the way. Less sex = more fantasies, too, which is also perfectly normal.<P>Work on believing in yourself - then it will be easier to accept your H's contentment with you! Don't go looking for reasons to question your H's commitment to your marriage.<P>Be gentle and supportive of him during this time, 525, don't pressure him to constantly reassure you. If he were comfortable addressing this with you, he would have done so before you found those tapes and saw those websites. The truth is the truth is the truth, and you are much more likely to get to it if you remain loving and accepting of whatever the truth is.<P>He could be gay. He could be bored with your sex life. He could just be curious - most people are. The possibilities are endless. In the meantime, be patient, show him your love, put on that nightgown and surprise him with something different! <P>Is it hard for you to imagine that your H wouldn't think some of your fantasies are a bit odd - or even threatening? Why don't you and your H spend some time sharing your fantasies with each other, and bring those acceptable to both of you to life in your marriage?<P>Good luck!<BR>gobyfish

Hello 525~ I have read your letter, and it is so strange that I have had the same thing happen tonight with my husband. Not with the movies, but I caught him looking at gay porn on the internet. At first, it really didn't bother me because it could be just fantasies, but after a while I couldn't help but think that it could be more than that. When I confronted him about it, he got very defensive and started to get angry with me. So now I regret even saying anything at all to him, because it may just make him want to do it even more. These situations are a little hard, I don't see understanding him very clear any time in the near future! Well, 525, I'm sure that your husband and mine are just fantazing, they couldn't have just picked this habit up. Maybe they have been curious all along and we are just now noticing. I guess the important thing is that they say that they love us and don't act on their tendencies. Good luck, I know it is hard to think about him the same now. Goodnight~