Well, here's my life recently. YD came home from her outing to Utah, on Friday night, and she had sand EVERYWHERE! Even just yesterday I picked up her sleeping bag to re-roll it and put it away right, and SAND spilled out of it. I think I may have to wash it!! Anyway, she promptly took a long, hot bath in our Jacuzzi tub and pretty much vegged out for the day. On Saturday, she went over to her dad's house and spent some time with him, and I had a interview with a lady who's starting a new business that coordinates events. It sounded like a fun job, and if I hear anything, it will be next week. The thing that was kind of COOL though is that when a client came to her to coordinate their event, as a "perk" she was going to give them a coupon for one "free" hour of coaching! So even if this job doesn't work out, it looks like the coaching referral might!!

This got me to thinking that I've been applying everywhere for months now, and nothing is working out...and I've GOT to do something! So I decided to start the process of more aggressively marketing my coaching, and I decided to go ahead and actively seek clients. So on Sunday, I cleaned the house so that it's spotless, did some reading and studying, and I wrote down some goals for the next 30 days to get my coaching practice going (stuff like: make business cards, write a brochure and flyer, distribute 10 flyers, meet with 2 referral partners, attend a lead group, etc.). Well, I was right in the middle of having a fairly nice day, but one of my chores for the day was to write a final, final, final copy of the Parenting Plan and the Separation Agreement (now that stbxH and I have finally agreed to everything). I got those good, final copies completed and it was a little bit emotionally hard to get that done, but I did it. I took them over to his house, along with the LAST of the business inventory and paperwork, and he was just in a FOUL MOOD. I left a copy of the packet of stuff and left, but it still made me feel hurt, you know?? After that, the kids and I went to see "Matrix Reloaded" because I promised the kids we'd go. I enjoyed the movie, but then again, I'm a big Matrix fan...can't wait to own it!!

Here's where the custody-horror comes in. On Mondays usually OS is picked up by his dad at school and they go off and do a round of 9 or something together and have some dinner...then stbxH is off to play poker and OS calls his GF. Meanwhile, YD and I watch girly shows (7th Heaven and Everwood) and have a little bit of "girls night". Well Monday was a gray, drizzly day here so stbxH asked if we could switch Monday and Tuesday--since Tuesday was supposed to be sunny. Cool so far, we agreed to switch and OS agreed....fine. Well, I told OS this is usually a girl night, so would he mind letting us "do our thing" and watch our shows in peace?? He said fine, but them when the time came, he kept coming in and interrupting and teasing YD and asking me stuff while he was on the phone with his GF. After a little bit of this, YD said to him, "I wish you'd leave. I wish you weren't here!!!"

I took this pretty much entirely wrong. I thought she meant that she didn't want him to live with us anymore and she wished he would be GONE, and so I replied to defend OS a little, "Hey, that's mean! We can't do that to each other!" which YD took all wrong--that I was saying SHE was mean as a human being. So, she replied with some pretty nasty, defensive stuff, and I said, "You know, you're just being witchy and I don't need to put up with that. Go to your room until you've cooled down" which she took to mean that I was calling her a witch!!

Here it comes...custody-h*ll. SO SHE GOES TO HER ROOM, CALLS HER DAD (WHO'S AT HIS POKER GAME) CRYING AND SAYING SHE WANTS TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW...WILL HE COME GET HER!! Right about then I walk into her room to see if we can't work it out and settle down, and she's all crying and freaking out that she's going to go be with her dad--and I tell her "No you're not--you're going to stay here and work this out!" and stbxH is on the phone! So he leaves his poker game, comes peeling over here to get her, tells me he's taking his daughter because I'm raging at her so much that I'm making her cry...AND I'm alienating her from him because I won't let her come over!!! What a bunch of hooey over nothing!!

Sooooo my daughter tried her first attempt at her "If you don't behave just the way I want I'll threaten you with living at dad's" threat...and I knew it was only a matter of time until she tried it, but it pretty much killed me. Throughout this whole ordeal the main thing that has kept me going and kept my moral compass straight has been the kids and behaving in front of them so I'd be proud of myself. Anways, she has NO IDEA what she is threatening! I mean, she could not POSSIBLY comprehend the fire that she's playing with, because of course every time she pulls this stunt stbxH is going to use it to want more custody or pay less child suport or SOMETHING. I figured, if he came to get her, he'd say he had to come in and "save" his daughter from a raging parent--but if he DIDN'T come to get her, he'd say he was barred from seeing his own child and she was alienated!! UGH!! So, since I saw no way to really win, I figured "Hey, she made her bed, let her lie in it" and so he came to get her and off she went.

Before she left, though, I called an emergency family meeting and I told the kids (yes both of them, because of course OS heard it all), that we are in this TOGETHER, and that we can not turn on each other. I said that being a family means that you don't just run away and you don't just kick each other out--we've been through enough and we all need to know that we have a place where we're safe, where we're wanted, and where people won't give up on us. Then I said, "I'm the mom here, and I watch you guys 90% of the time by myself. I'm the one here for the throwing up, the docor's appointments, driving to and from school--the every day stuff. Dad has fun with you and plays with you. When I am with you every day, day-by-day, we are bound to have arguments and disagreements and not-so-good days. That's the way it is when you LIVE with someone. BUT, we--the three of us--have a promise to each other that when we argue, we won't just walk out, we don't rage at each other, and we can depend on each other. If we have an argument, from this day forward, we are taking time to cool down and then staying and working it out. Period. That's what you do when you're committed, and we are committed. If you need to go outside and take a walk...that's cool. If you need to get away to get outside, that's okay too. But we have our rules and our family and we will not be playing the 'I'm moving in with dad' game. I'm fair, and I'm willing to listen to you, but there are days when I have a bad day too you know! So for tonight, YD, you go with your dad and try to have some fun and take your mind off of all this, and we will work this out tomorrow."

WELL....stbxH was a jerk, and I won't say any more about that, but YD was awesome. As soon as she got to her dad's house she called and said, "I think I made a mistake. Will you pick me up and take me to school tomorrow so we can talk?" Of course, I said I would and I told her to try to let it go and just enjoy being with her dad. They ended up going to bed early (which is fine, because she was probably still tired from the darn outing last week!!). I also just went to bed early to let the nightmare end. In the morning we talked and found out about the misunderstandings...she meant she wished OS would leave the room and leave us alone...I meant that she was being cranky and she should go to her room until she wasn't so grouchy -or- be alone if she felt like being grouchy. We hugged and made up, and she said, "Mom, I made a real mistake calling dad like I did. I let down the whole family by doing that."

Soooo....I'm still sort of recovering from that. It was a mess, but I think it ended well, and I think BOTH kids actually learned a pretty good lesson from it. This afternoon I'm working on my brochure and flyer, and at 3:30 pm my son...my ONLY son...begins his first job!! Can you believe it?? He's working at McD's--and I hope they put him on the cashier line, but he couldn't care less. All he can see is FREE Big Mac's AND making money for it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> At 7pm, my daughter has a band concert too, so today is a crazy busy day. Then tomorrow, I have a second interview that MIGHT lead to a job offer...so now I'm pretty much waiting for who will ask me first!! I'll let you know!!

Oh, BTW, we got an appraisal done on our home and it was pretty good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CJ

P.S. Here are what all the abbreviations stand for:

OS = Older son
YD = Younger daughter
stbxH = soon-to-be-ex Husband
GF = girlfriend
CJ = ME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

dear cj- when my son did this-- the i wanna go to live with my dad, your mean-i told him i could have his bags packed in 20 min!

boy did his attitude change! you handled it gracefully and well-we all have our moments.

I commend you on how well you handled such a volatile situation! Your words of wisdom struck a chord in me that resonances my own feelings in regard to family values and the commitment of keeping the same intact. Give yourself a pat on the back for hanging tough in a rough situation.

Oh how kids love to play one parent against the other, don't they?

I also resorted to nikko's approach just recently when I had to ground my 15 year old D for not being home at the agreed time. She said she was tired of being treated like a child and she wanted to live with her mom. I told her that if it was OK with her mom, that she could leave anytime she wanted BUT if she left, she would not be welcomed back if she changed her mind, and I left her alone. A few hours later, she knocked on my bedroom door and told me she was sorry for yelling at me, so I asked her if she was leaving, and she said that she did not want to leave.

Isn't life as the custodial parent fun sometimes? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>Oh how kids love to play one parent against the other, don't they?

I also resorted to nikko's approach just recently when I had to ground my 15 year old D for not being home at the agreed time. She said she was tired of being treated like a child and she wanted to live with her mom. I told her that if it was OK with her mom, that she could leave anytime she wanted BUT if she left, she would not be welcomed back if she changed her mind, and I left her alone. A few hours later, she knocked on my bedroom door and told me she was sorry for yelling at me, so I asked her if she was leaving, and she said that she did not want to leave.

Isn't life as the custodial parent fun sometimes? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, TMCM, I wanted to say "YAY!!!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm glad you wrote and just to be clear, no hard feeling from that last thing (whatever that was). I knew when you wrote it that you felt "lubed and tubed" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and I must say I do know lots of women AND men who have really gotten dirty in their divorces. It's AWFUL, and I'm so sorry for it.

Anyway, on to THIS topic. You know, I was pretty sure that one day one of my TWO teenagers would try this--yes that's right, I have TWO so pray for me! I figured it would be my son because he's older, but my daughter is more of a game player...so it figures.

Right after the incident we had quite a good talk about how we are not going to pull the "I'm-moving-in-with-dad" threat again. In my house, we stay with each other and we work it out, period. One more of the threats, and she's really going to move for a minimum of one month, and I won't be "saving" her if she calls me to take her back!!! She would have made her choice for that month, and she would have to commit to it! Well, hello, that woke her up a bit. Unfortunately, dad does not choose to support me in that way.

You know, I've been around the block a time or two. Their dad is their father, and while he's not the one equipped to be a custodial parent, he is the one who's equipped to have fun with them, play with them, and take their mind off their troubles for a while. My job is the laundry and homework and garbage and dishes and "normal life"--some of which is fun--and his job is movies and pizzas and golf and shopping and ice cream for a few hours. It's sad, but that's all he gets; whereas I have the pleasure and privilege of being in their life on a daily basis.

Sooooo...you had to ground your 15yo, huh? Yep, me too. I caught my 16yo son ditching his last period. I came to school about 10 minutes before school ended--just happened to come early that day--and lo and behold, I saw him in the park playing with his friends!! I got out of the car, walked up to him and just said, "BUSTED." One week of no computer and no phone at night (can't talk to his GF). You talk about purgatory!! You'd think I stopped feeding the kid, the way he whines and mutters. Every time I hear it, though, I just tell him, "Next time your friends ask you to ditch, just remember how it feels to not be able to talk to GF and not be able to get on your PC for email, internet, or games. Has a week gone by yet? No? Well then I don't want to hear it until a week has gone by."

Kids! TEENS!!

CJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sooooo...you had to ground your 15yo, huh? Yep, me too. I caught my 16yo son ditching his last period. I came to school about 10 minutes before school ended--just happened to come early that day--and lo and behold, I saw him in the park playing with his friends!! I got out of the car, walked up to him and just said, "BUSTED." One week of no computer and no phone at night (can't talk to his GF). You talk about purgatory!! You'd think I stopped feeding the kid, the way he whines and mutters. Every time I hear it, though, I just tell him, "Next time your friends ask you to ditch, just remember how it feels to not be able to talk to GF and not be able to get on your PC for email, internet, or games. Has a week gone by yet? No? Well then I don't want to hear it until a week has gone by."

Kids! TEENS!!

CJ
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yikes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , FW you've just described my daughter and me to a tee, except of course for the genders of parent and child being reversed.

BTW I also have two, the oldest is 15 and the youngest 12. It's the oldest one that is sometimes a little too much.

What's funny is that my youngest one was saying how great it was going to be having the room and the computer all to herself once her sister left to go live with her mom. My oldest one just gave her a scornful look and said to her "Guess what I'm not going anywhere, so there!". I chuckled to myself at their sibling interaction and left them alone.

Ah yes, never a dull moment.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yikes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , FW you've just described my daughter and me to a tee, except of course for the genders of parent and child being reversed.

BTW I also have two, the oldest is 15 and the youngest 12. It's the oldest one that is sometimes a little too much.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, Lordie, man! Now I get it--it all makes sense!! Like you, I have two teens: a 16yo boy and a 13yo girl. My son and I get along famously except as it comes to schoolwork. He just ISN'T motivated!! He has ADHD (which is nicely under control btw), so it's very hard for him to organize well enough to do high school-level homework. He's VERY bright, though, and a good kid--on the football team, steady girl for 1 1/2 years now, and a little McD's job for cash--he just struggles with school. For the most part, he's independent and polite--we don't talk and talk and talk, but when we do, he's open and receptive and an all-in-all good kid.

My daughter on the other hand is JUST LIKE ME so we butt heads. She is emotional, INFP, kind, caring, funny, and athletic--but she refuses to admit she's wrong and she's as stubborn as the day is long. Wonder where she gets that from? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Anyway, she's my "lovely" and one of the most caring people I know, but she also resembles Reagan from The Exorcist when she's PMS-ing!! I had a feeling she would be the one to pull some of these typical "divorced-kids" things, because she's smart and she knows how to get what she wants. Also, her dad is wrapped around her little finger and I do not put up with that--she has to actually be responsible for her behavior with me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anyway, as a follow up, I told her that I understood why she tried it...it's kind of her "job" as the kid to try, and so there's no hard feelings for trying the "I'll-move-in-with-dad" ploy. However, it's MY "job" as the parent to say no and stand firm on the rules. In a way, it's just like a toddler...it's their "job" to have tantrums and try to see if mom will give in or not. It's not personal--they all try it. BUT...it's mom's "job" to not give in and stand behind what she said even if the kid has a tantrum. She totally got that.

Soooo...do you need any mall tips or make up suggestions for your daughter (from a female point of view)? Oh of course, anything I'd say is hopelessly out-of-date and "uncool" anyway! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> How did I get teenage children???? OY!!!

CJ

<small>[ May 22, 2003, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FaithfulWife:
<strong> How did I get teenage children???? OY!!!

CJ</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, depending on your level of understanding of the whole subject matter, you might want to start your education by reading the Vibrator thread over on the EN forum....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

HoFS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Soooo...do you need any mall tips or make up suggestions for your daughter (from a female point of view)? Oh of course, anything I'd say is hopelessly out-of-date and "uncool" anyway! How did I get teenage children???? OY!!!

CJ</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FW I've learned that the best thing for me to do is to let my W (their step-mom) and my two D's go nuts shopping all over the mall, while I have some nice hot chamomille tea to prepare my nerves for the inevitable sticker shock of their purchases <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> But seriously, my D's know that when they go to the mall it's because they've earned it by being good, as children and as students.

I swear that if there is such as a thing as re-incarnation, I want to come back the next time as a female so that I can enjoy the supreme female ecstasy of shopping (and multiple O's of course). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ May 22, 2003, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>