My wife wants a divorce. We have a daughter that is goig to be 5 in Aug. We are both in the military. I am goig to Korea(for a 1yr) in the beginning of July. Because I got orders there, my wife and I have recieved follow-on orders to Guam (we can go to Guam as a family, for a 2 yr tour). My orders drove her orders. I put in for these before I knew my W wanted a divorce.

These are just some of the facts. I could have canceled my orders to Guam and inturn would cancel my Ws orders. This would make her eligible for her own remote tour by herself. She said if I do this that she will do everything she can to keep her current orders. So I would basically end up not seeing my daughter for 3yrs. I also dont think my daughter needs to be seperated from my wife for that long either. I know I am doing the same, but I dont have any control over my current situation.

Nows heres where I am starting to have problems(well more problems). I have had to initiate all of our conversations concerning our future plans. I couldnt take any more of the silence between us. I am leaving soon and need to know some details of how she wants to carry out our tour in Guam. So...I started the conversation. I might add that I am very hurt by all of this and I do get angry. But it is so hard to watch my life crumble in front of my face.

Ok, I want to begin some sort of plan of attack for how we can maintain a uncontested divorce. My first topic is of course the most important, our daughter. I asked if I would be able (while in Guam) to have my daughter live with me in the summer (approx. 3 months). My W will have her for the school season and I just thought that it would be fair for my daughter and I to be able to spend some extended periods of time together (the little things). She said she thinks that it would be to confusing for her. Also, she feels that a mother/daughter bond is more important than father/daughter. This disscussion makes me want to cry. These words hurt more than anything that I have ever experienced. I thought that I was doing the right thing, by not causing to much confrontation. So I decide to go to Guam and not let my wife and daughter get seperated. I also decide not to fight for full cust.(even though Id love to have it). I never imagined that my wife would not let my daughter stay with me for these times. I know nothing of divorce, it is not in my nature to understand how to position myself for protecting myself. I know that I havent been perfect, but I never thought that my family would be destroyed. I am in dire need of some advice. I dont want this to get nasty. I want only the best for my daughter. I also dont want to live this way for the rest of my life. thanks for any advice...

Bnugg,

As the mother of a recently divorced son who has a 4 year old child, I know the anguish you are feeling about the inpending loss of your family.

It seems so unfair to have your W toss this out just as your foreign tour is coming so quickly. I realize that this is the military, but is there some crisis intervention that a chaplain can help you with? I suggest that you contact one tomorrow. This is going to be awful for your daughter. It IS a crisis!

Is there any chance that they will delay your departure to give you time to plan your choices? (Military types might laugh at the suggestion of compassion from the military, but you have a crisis that could be stressful enough to affect your service. It could destroy your emotional health.)

You need a good lawyer ASAP (like TOMORROW, Bnugg)who is familiar with military life. You desperately need someone to help you maintain contact with your daughter if marital separation does occur. You also need a counselor and/or chaplain to help you cope.

I am really sorry for your predicament. I get panicky thinking of you being separated from you daughter for so long, and I don't even know you. This is very sad. Keep us posted. (And DO NOT let yourself be pressured into a quick divorce just because you are supposed to leave soon.)

Take care,
Estes

Thanks Estes49

This is a hard situation to be in. I am already on an extension(2 month) to my original orders. I was supposed to be in country in May. They gave me a 2 month extension to try to work my marrige out(this is all I asked for). I know that I may be able to fight for more. But, if I do get my orders canceled, there will be someone on the other end of this that is left out to dry. When they give our orders to us it is because they need me where they need me. Basically if I dont go, I may put someone else out. It could be someone else that has the same problem that I do, or worse. Trust me, there is nothing more tempting than to get these orders canceled.

My wife and I talked again the next night. I told her how I felt about her comments the night before. Our coversation was less stressful than the previous nights. I have been trying to keep track (on paper) our conversations if not for anything more than to have an accurate record for my lack of memory. I pretty much (calmly this time) told her that I think that this whole thing is going to be upsetting to our daughter. This has been her decision from the start. I understand that I have played my part in this situation. I want nothing more than for our family to stay together. But, if this must happen I believe that she is not being very fair to our daughter, much less myself.

I also mentioned that I have many other little details that need to get worked out. I had just picked this subject because I know that is going to be our hardest problem to work out. I also mentioned that I would probably forgo the 3 month cust. if she decided to fight tooth and nail over it. She does have an extreme advantage over this situation (and it sucks!). She then proceeded to ask what are some of my other problems. I had to think about wether I wanted to go into some of the other subjects without resolving the current. I decided that maybe a less stressful topic might create some better comunication between us. So I allowed myself to continue.

It is so confusing to me to be able to talk calmly one sec, and the next is nothing but stress. We talked about some of our other delemas. And in the middle of this we create small talk,for example; family, work, house, daughter, ect... This is hard to do. I have many cases of shatterd hope during all of this (this has been going on for about 6 months). I do not want the divorce. But I cant stop my wife. So, when we have disscusions that go smoothly and seemingly "marrige like", it hurts.

Everything gets so confusing. I still do not know what the right thing to do is. I did get an appointment with a lawyer. I do not know if I really want to do this, but our previous converstion scared the hell outta me. I also do not want to be taken to the cleaners and lose contact with my daughter. If not anything I will just ask some questions and try to get some sort of sense of what may come my way.

I am drowning in doubt, and in the many, many regrets that may never go away. I trully believe that this is wrong. There is a feeling that I have right now that I see in many of the posts I read at this site. This feeling is not describable but it is shared between most of us that post here. It almost has a wieght. It is so heavy. I know that I may be rambling. But you must know what I am talking about. I do love my wife. I do love my daughter. Wow...this sucks... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
hi I posted the below post on toosads string
and I if I hear back from an e-mail I sent to her I will let you know, or else she might just come to the boards..herself.

I pray things work out for you and your wife and little girl..you have time yet..pray lots and see a chaplin..
God can move mountains..take care...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> hi Bungg
hopefully your message will pull her out of the
woodwork.
I also sent her your message in e-mail and am hoping she responds to it by coming to the boards..or e-mail. I have been writting to her and am worried about her. I think she is ok. but it would be good to know if anyone else has heard from her..My last contact was on the 18.
when I hear from you I hopefully will be able to tell you all what she is going to do..or she will post it herself..I asked her to do that..
good luck to you Bungg and maybe if you both talked to a marriage councellor or a minister would help, perhaps persuade her. It is a shame when someone steps out on another..God bless you both and hope you work it out..maybe you can keep in contact with her in mail if things get that bad and she don't want to see you..keep in touch with your little girl by sending her lil trinkets lil girls that age like lil dolls..etc..stuffed animals..she will know it came from you..I know hallmark has a collection of different lil things to collect maybe you can do that for her so she will look foward to that in the mail from you..
I will be praying for you and THANK YOU for serving us..I do appreciate that..Keep On Keeping On..(I hope I did not put this paste on two times but I looked and it was not here so if this post shows 2 times sorry..grin..IF it shows at all..lol.

Bnugg:

I have tried and tried to get my H to change his mind and us work it out and not go through this hellish divorce but he is insistant and there is nothing i can do to change his mind he wants to have closure and have the freedom to date. I have great respect for you in the fact that you would forgive your wife and start over I only wish my H would of given me the chance. He says maybe we can get back togehter in the future but i dont understand why we couldnt work it out now. I could go home and then he would have the extra time in Korea to get his thoughts together as to whether he wanted to go through with the D or not and not do it out of anger and have regrets later.

I am moving back to our home town so he and his family will be able to see the kids more often than before. My H could have come back here and gotten stationed somewhere close but he chose to extend another year . Why? He says his friends are going through the same thing and he thinks it will be best for everyone if he stays over there. My question is this would you extend another year over there and risk not seeing your children but for a few mths here and there when you could of gotten stationed close and saw them more frequently? They say the first yr of a divorce is the hardest on kids and he wont even be here to help them through this transition. I told my H how our son is doing poorly in school and he thinks i am using them as pawns to get back together and says they will be alright. They arent alright they wont understand why daddy had to extend another yr and he didnt have too. I havent told them he volunteered but someday it could come out and they will have alot of questions to why they werent important enough for him to come home and help them through this transition.

I dont want them to go to Korea cause our divorced isnt finalized yet and it isnt exactly the safest place to be right now.

If you would like to write me my e-mail address is asfreakyasyoucanbe@yahoo.com

ok I am glad to see you got my mail too sad and responded here to him.

I am going off boards today and won't be back so if you want you can e-mail me..
earthangel@telcomplus.net
wishing you all the best..
Keep on Keeping on!!

Bnugg:

I also have another reply for you on my string ( very confused)

Take care

toosad, I think that if the kids need to go to Korea they would need you to go with them. I know it would be hard for all. Im not sure how old they are but young children should not be making the trip alone. In reguards to why he would he extend. I just dont know. I would never extend over there. Unless there was a very deep need for my skills there. I just cant answer that question without more details. Maybe before my daughter was born I may have, but not now. Its hard to give advice when Im feeling so screwed up myself.

Today I have just been trying to get some things done around the house. I am not going to have an oportunity to be here when the house gets sold. Yesterday I went paint-balling. When I came home my wife asked if I minded if she went out with friends. I kinda got annoyed for a second(I dont know why really). I did go do something for myself, so I guess she should be able to also. Its also hard to do things for myself without feeling guilty about not spending time with my D.

Its wierd, I cant put my finger on just what I want to say to say, so forgive me if this doesnt make much sense. Nothing has really changed. Before this stuff started, I had distanced myself from my family. I even felt guilty very often for many activities that kept me away. I had always ask my W to join me, but I dont think I ever really made an effort to try some thing that she wanted to do.

The thing is I have been noticing how I react to her more these days. And Im thinking maybe I havent been as happy as I had thought I was. When my wife first told me that there was a problem, I scambled to figure out what I have been doing wrong. I started doing everything under the sun to make her happy. But as time went on, and she did nothing. I have started revert back to my old self. I dont know why I do this. Maybe for self defense. Maybe because I dont want to see the truth about who I have really been all of these years...I just dont know. I do know that things feel the same as they always have. My wife seems to want to push everything aside while still maintaining that she wants a divorce. But she doesnt intiate any of the conversations pertaining to planning the future. After awhile I get aggitated and confront her. Usually I have gotten to the point where Im mad, and then I vent. Which in turn makes her shut down completely. And then we go through another period of silence (usually a week) until I decide that we must talk and I try again.

The only difference now, compared to before is that I now know that there is really something wrong. And she is unhappy. I asked many times before, and all I got was that "there is nothing wrong, you asking me is what is bothering me". I just wish I would've known that things had gotten this bad before. Maybe I did and did nothing about it. Trying to figure out who you really are sure is a pain in the [censored]...

Well, we are going to talk tonight. Of course I had to ask if we could. I am wondering if I should even be asking. Maybe I should just pretend nothing is happening. I dont know.

I do know that as I am doing some chores and thinking about why this is all happening, I am getting angry. I am still thinking about why my wife would not let my daughter come live with me for an extended period of time. I would like to have her when I get to Guam, for at least a month. I would love to have her all of the time but I guess I do believe that she should have more time with her Mom. I know as she gets older she will need the girl talks that I wont be able to provide (still makes me sad though). So when school starts I guess she would go back with my W. I guess if I had to ask any question it would be, "Would it be better for my daughter to not come live with me for the summers?"

I really want to be able to make her breakfast, and just be able to have some the small things between us. I really sometimes wonder if I deserve it. sheeeeesh...Oh well just want to blow off some steam before my W and I sit down and talk.

BNUGG:

I suggested to my H that I go over there with them. We have a 9 and 3 yr old and he says no you had them this long it is my turn. He says they wouldnt be going alone his niece i guess is going over with them and even though she is family she is almost a total stranger we see them once a yr.

I think you and your wife are going through what i think we are going through . I had become depressed in our marriage mainly because of the seperations and being alone all the time and dealing with everything by myself.When he would come back things would start to get normalized again then he would leave again. It felt like he chose the military over his family (ex. He went to the field for a mth a few mths before he was to leave for korea did he try to get out of it NO! and it seemed like other soldiers got out of going for some reason or another. He said he doesnt want to be a ****bag soldier and get out of stuff )I never felt he put our family first above his family and work. I was always afraid to say anything for fear of him getting upset and saying i was imagining things. The last time i stood up for my feelings he hit the wall because people at work were harrassing him and then he came home to me *****in. SOmetimes i never felt appreciated for all i put up with being a military spouse especailly when i was 5 mths pregnant having to clean our house so we could clear housing. He claimed they needed him at work.

He would also ask me if anything was wrong and would say "Nothing" but deep down inside there were things wrong i just was scared to say what.

My H says he has never changed throughout our marriage and he has in some ways and in some ways not he still at 34 likes to go out to clubs and drink. That is fine once in a while but he says he likes to dance and what are most dance clubs? Meatmarkets for single people. I never felt comfortable going and getting stared at and approached evertime my H went away. I thought it was fun in the beginning of our marriage but after having kids i settled down in the party animal area and he didnt . I dont understand why we couldnt of taken some 2 day getaway or picnic in the park or something like that. I am not saying he is totally to blame because he isnt i just think we got to the point where we grew apart. I wish I could go back in time and undo the things i have done but having done the things i have done i have realized what i need to change about myself to become a better person not only for myself but for my future relationship whether it is with my H or with someone else. I still hope and pray we will be together again but right now it seems hopeless.

Yeah, it does sound very familar. From my stand point all I can say is that I knew there was something wrong, but never thought that it was going to end in a divorce. I never intended for my wife to feel unappriciated. I have an overbearing personality and I never realize when I am being disrespectful. It is strange, I have always wanted to have this discussion with her. But, not to end the marrige. I wanted to strengthen the marrige not destroy it.

She stepped out on me 7 years ago. It was during a time while I (ironically while in Korea for 45 days) was TDY. And while she was in Saudi Arabia. I was all set to divorce her. Then I talked it over with my mom. She told me to make sure that I didnt still love her anymore before I made that kind of leap. I did some thinking and decided to stay married because I did still love her. We worked on things for a little while and then kinda just brushed it under the carpet. I still had some resentments and never felt that I was special anymore. My wife made me feel that if I ever brought up the subject, it was to make her feel bad and get revenge. Which I am not sure was not to far off. I do know one thing for sure...I never really got an explaination for why it happened. This is one thing that I think that I should have demanded, looking back.

She has done alot of new things lately that has boosted her confidence and self-esteem. She has almost completed her degree. She has gotten in great shape and has started dressing alot sexier. She has won some very big awards and has been the goto girl in her unit. She recently accepted a new, high profile job. She has also through out the last 3 or 4 yrs, found out that she has hypothyriodism. This was slowing down her metabilism and she put on alot of wieght after my D was born. I was working swing shifts at work so we didnt have to put our D in daycare for her first year. We never saw each other. I had grown very aggitated during this period. My job sucked. I was not being told that I was needed either. I could feel resentment from her but was never told what her problems with me were. Which in-turn made me even more withdrawn and selfish. I spent alot of time with my hobbies, and wasnt very comfortable around the family (I dont know why). These will be the some of the regrets that I will carry for ever. I definately can identify some of the things that I will need to work on for myself also.

We talked again tonight and she said after thinking about it some more, there wont be a problem with my D living with me from time to time. This is a big relief and a wieght off of my sholders. At the same time it kinda sux. It made me more aware that she really does want to leave. This still makes me very sad. But it has gotten so far now, that it doesnt seem like there is any turning back. I think the only thing that is keeping us married right now is that we need to sell our house, and we really dont have the money to get divorced right now.

I do understand his feelings on not wanting to be a bad soldier. This is something that becomes very important for some people in the military. I used to be that way when I first joined. On my last deployment I realized that being in the military is important...but not as important as my family. This is about the time when my W's carrer started to get rolling. And I started to take a back seat. And now here I am.

There is one thing that I can say that everyone should remember. They dont give us a "how to be a perfect spouse handbook" when we take our vows. We make mistakes and we sometimes lose sight of what is trully important to us. Being able to understand this and remembering that we made a commitment for life is really what (I think) keeps a marrige together. I have always believed that my wife was the only one that was breaking all of our vows in this marrige. But I am slowly realizing that it was both of us. This another regret that will haunt me.

I trully wish you luck "toosad", at some point we will have to let go I guess. I also wish I had a time machine...I wonder how many others wish the same thing?

Bnugg:

It is hard enough for one family member to be in the service let alone 2 I can't imagine.

I always wanted to sit down and tell my H my feelings too after all we were always able to tell each other everything else going on in our lives.
Unlike you my H claims he no longer loves me. I know I told him that but I didnt mean it I was mad at him at the time and said some things on the phone to others that I didnt mean and he found out cause he tapped the phone. I told him I didnt mean the things I said and he doesnt believe me.
We had talked about the subject of cheatiing earlier in our marrriage and we both said if it happened we would leave each other cause it obviously meant we no longer loved each other and we would divorce. But you never know that something like this is going to happen and I certainly didn't think it would be me. I have tried to explain my reasons but my H thinks they arent good enough or doesnt want to hear them. I know there is no excuse for cheating but I was at my lowest point in my life. I felt everyone who said they loved me had deserted me.So I fell prey to the first person who told me everything I wanted to hear that i wasnt hearing from my H and family.

My H has said maybe we can get back togehter in the future but now he wants to date. I would love us to get back together but I dont want to bring up the past I dont want to deal with that the rest of my life and be tormented by it. Its not fair to either of us. I would want to start off dating and start over fresh and not bring up things in the past unless they were the good times.I told him we could only do it once because its not fair to the kids to constantly think mommy and daddy are getting back together that is another reason I want to work it out because of the fact on not confusing the kids . They may think why did they get a divorce if they were going to be together again.SOmetimes I think he wants to do this so he gets revenge on me. I dont know anymore. His actions of late are confusing me.Especially of the fact of extending a yr I dont care how mad I would be at my spouse I would never volunteer to spend so much time away from my kids. I would make it so I wouldnt see the spouse when I got visitation.

Like your wife I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism after we had our D too( how uncanny is that). I also was exercising more and losing weight while he was gone and feeling confident again. I had such low self esteem of myself because i had gained so much weight and our sex life suffered because of it. I couldnt stand to look at myself and wondered why my H would.

That is so sad you you cant work it out. How old are you and your wife? I am not looking forward to being single like my H is. I am 30 and still pretty young but to be on the dating scene again in a few yrs scares me ( I am waiting that long so I can have time to get our kids adjusted to our new life plus going to school I will be quite busy).

I agree totally on what you say about marriage being for life. I believe alot of mistakes are made in a marriage and that we need to change some things about ourselves to make it work. I also believe divorce is too easy to come by. I think if you seek for a D they should say no untill you have gone through 6 mths of serious MC.
I suggested that my H and I go and he says it would go in one ear and out the other. I guess you cant force someone to stay in a marriage that they dont want to he says if i contested the divorce we couldnt even remain friends. So I guess I have no choice but to go along with it even though I dont want to.

I hope the time that it takes you to sell your house will give you a little more time to maybe think things over or maybe you can just get seperated for awhile to make sure it is what you truly want.
Best of luck to you

Toosad

Well, we all went to church and then to lunch afterwards, wierd huh? I started wishing that this wasnt happening again. I started thinking about her dating. I dont know if I will be able to see her with someone else. It really scares the hell out of me.

I dont know why we seem to get along right now. I know why I do, but I dont know why she wants to. I guess I am just glad to have what I have right now. I do still love her, as much as I wish I didnt. This may be the last month that we all will live in the same house together, so I guess I am trying to make the best of it. Im not sure this is very healthy for me, but it is all I can do for now.

I cant figure out why she would want to do things as a family. If she wants out, why would she still go with my D and I, when I ask her to. Maybe its for our daughter, maybe I shouldnt ask her to go with us, I dont know.

toosad,
I dont know exactly what to tell you to do. In reguards to bringing up the past, if you guys were to get back together. I know I would want to be able to bring it up and talk about it whenever I could. I know that it would seem like revenge, but there should have been some sort of closure for me. I needed to know that(among other things) I am attractive, that I was a good man, and that I was good in bed. I know it sounds silly. But these are things that I thought about when I found out. I have never really felt like I was good enough for my wife since. I think that if we would have just faced the subject straight on and crashed right into it, it would have been better for me. At this point Im not sure. I dont if it would have been good for my W, but Im pretty sure it would have done me some good. I do although believe that you should establish a threshold for what you would be able to handle. You also, would need to be able to feel good about yourself eventually.

I cant say why he would want to stay over there. Im sure he is hurting. And sometimes it is a way to end the pain(agony). But I cannot speak for him. There are many reasons why he would want to stay for another year. Hard to say.

Btw...damn the similarities are definately scary. I will be 32(I am feeling damn old right now) in Sept. and my W is 29. I am scared to death about dating. Hell, I never dated much before my marrige anyways. I have no idea where to start. There will so many more complexities added to how, when, and where I will meet someone else. I think it will be a long time before I date again. I really havent given it much thought to as how long. I feel like a little piece of poop right now. I dont think that I have alot to offer(as of now) to the type of woman that I would like to meet. I dont even really know who I am. Over the last 10yrs, I have lost so much vision on the things that I wanted to do in life. I am going to try to go back where I once was in life and catch back up on all of my dreams.

I sure wish my wife could find some way of working throught this. Im pretty sure that she might be in for a rood awakening. There is a part of me that does want her to fail(Im sorry to say). Not that I want her to suffer, I just wish she wanted me the way I want her. But I cant stop, what I cant stop. I will try to keep the "light" on as long as I can.

<small>[ May 25, 2003, 11:53 PM: Message edited by: Bnugg ]</small>

Bnugg:

When I look back on my infedelity it wasnt about sex at all it was more about feeling loved ( emotional)and the feeling of being important. I felt I wasnt important to him anymore and everytime i would be worried about something he would always say it will be alright or that i was imagining things. He was always attractive to me but the things he did and how he treated me made him turn ugly to me. Just like if you met someone and they were good looking but they had the crappiest attitude can you say honestly that you would be attracted to that person? If we got back together i could handle most of the questions but if he wanted details that would be hard.

I never dated much before i was married either. I was engaged before and broke it off cause i thought i was too young and not ready for that kind of commitment. Then about 4 mths later I met my H he was in college and getting ready to get back in the military and didnt want to break up with me and didnt want a long distance relationship either so he asks me to marry him. He went off to his duty station for 4 mths while i planned for the wedding and came home on leave so we could get married. I had no idea when we got married that he would make it his career. I was a nieve 19 yr old and didnt know anything about military life. And boy was i in for a rude awakening after a few years.

I know exactly how you feel about feeling like crap too i feel the same way. I feel like i am worthless and will be sent to hell for what i have done and I have asked god over and over for forgiveness and i hope he has given it to me i also hope one day my H will too, but i doubt he ever will.

I cant imagine someone else with him nor can i imagine me with someone else and even though the guy i may meet will be a stepdad he will still be in our kids life more than there dad which i think is unfair.

Hopefully your wife will see " the light" like i did and stay married and hopefully its not too late. Would you get back with her if a yr or 2 down the road she changed and wanted to come back? I hope my H does but untill then i will put my life in order and concentrate on going to school and raising our kids.

toosad,

I want to give a little history before I go into anything else. It sounds like you guys are kind of where my wife and I were years ago(sort of).

We got married at a very young age also. I was 21, and my W was 18. Wa had both joined the military at the same time, in fact I met her at the MEPS center. We were at basic training at the same time, and ended up going to tech school together (dif. careerfields). <fast foward>

I still remember our first married argument. Not the details of what we were arguing about, but I remeber the how I felt and how my wife responded. I was a real [censored], she got very upset because it was the first time I raised my voice. I am loud by nature, and I was raised in a loud family. Of course it is the exact oposite for my wifes family and her nature is to keep things quiet. I kind of knew this and realized if we were going to stay married we were going to have to figure out how to handle conflict.

What annoyed me most about my wifes communiction, was that she would not stand up for herself. This is (I think) is a very significant reason we are going through this stuff. I would sometimes argue my point a little harder than I should have (my bad on this) to try and get her to unleash on me. She witheld (to her credit). I look back now and wish I could have understood more about her personality. I had been going about this the wrong way all along.<fast forward>

Anyways, she had an affair in the third year of our marrige. I cannot tell you how much pain this brought me. I knew that there was something missing between us, but I never, ever thought she would chose to give herself to someone else. It was so saddening for me. I said I had known there was something wrong, I had taken some time to think on my own and had decided that I was going to recharge this marrige. I wanted back what we once had, when we first met. I wanted more! I wanted to grow in to a strong married man. I was ready and willing to change what needed to be changed. And while I was making my decision to be a better husband, my wife shacked up with some man while she was stationed in Saudi Arabia. She shared her time, her feelings, and her body with another man. She never came to me and told me. I had my suspicions, and found a card written to her. I also noticed that she had hidden some things that she brought back from over there. She wouldnt touch me, when she first got back. She never told me why. I later found out that she felt like she was dirty.

I finally cornered one night and kept grilling her, until she finally told me what happened. Ill never know if she really told the whole truth. I cried uncontrolablly. I have never experienced such pain in my entire life. I later found video tapes of just mundane, day to day life with her and the OM. I could not believe that she could have gotten so close to someone to have recorded her time with this person. For Christ sakes they were making ****ing cookies.

I could go on and on about how this made me feel...it was bad. The point this a just a very vivid snapshot of my life 7yrs ago. Btw, we have been married 10yrs. Where was I?... I dont think my wife ever really proved to me that she was sorry. I am positive she did do things to try and make me feel whole again, but... She never asked me what I needed to feel whole again. I cannot stress how important this was for me. It has set me up for the situation that I am in now. I also needed to know that I was truly who she wanted and needed. Besides this I also think that she never really forgave herself.

I know it doesnt sound like it but, I did forgive her. I did learn to trust her. I will say though, I never forgot. The memories fade with time. Resent events have brought me back to that place again. But I do know that the memories of the affair had become very foggy. And the pain had almost disappeared. I can talk about it now, without feeling the pain I once felt. I still dont fully understand why it happened though. This has also sparked a nerve or two over the years. If not anything I have always felt that she should have identified the reasons, at least for herself. So that she would be able to identify if the feelings ever came back and how she would handle them.

So, now here we are. Almost right back where we were 7yrs ago. We are now in debt(not to bad, but not to good either), we have the greatest daughter in the whole wide world, and I have a damn assignment that will put me in damn Korea for a damn year. Hooorrrayyy for me!!! Sory for the sarcasm, its all I have these days. I just pray that she didnt have another affair. I remeber telling her years ago "no matter what, please dont do this to me again". If I do find out that another affair happened, I will just walk away quietly and never speak to her again. I trully mean that. I will take responsibility for my my actions, and I will do anything to change. I want my family to stay together more than anything. But I am scared that the only reason she is not being more forthcoming with info., is because she may have met someone.

I am not without fault. Maybe I will try to bounce some of the things that I have done, to see what you have to say. I have been identifying many things about myself that I need to change. But it is getting late and I need to get up early. Before I go...This has been a wierd last couple of days, we have been (well I have enjoying) my time with each other. I am afraid that I may be holding on to nothing, and it will all crash down on me again, but isnt that what hope is all about?

-Bnugg

Bnugg:

Wow it is uncanny how our lives are so similiar in so many areas. We have been married 10 yrs this month too that is why I think we should really try its not like we have been married 1 or 2 yrs and have no kids.I have spent a 1/3 of my life with him.

I am the exact same as your wife in not standing up for myself and when i try to my H says " dont raise your voice at me" and the only reason i do is to try to get him to listen to me but i have never yelled at him.

I know my H is going through hell right now but i also dont want him to make a decision while he is mad. Yes we could reconcile after the divorce but why not try now and not put the kids and us through all this pain . I know I need to forgive myself too but it will take time especially when you feel like you have destroyed your whole family and yes i should of thought about that at the time but i was stupid. Sometimes I feel anger welling up inside me cause it always felt like i was a single mom when he went away having to do it all and now it will be this way from now on and it makes me sad. I kind of resent him for not having to deal with anything besides going to work and going out and having fun while i raise our children. Dont get me wrong i love my kids to death and wouldnt change a thing but he is there father and should have as much resposibility as raising them then supplying gifts and money . They need his presence and his affection too and how will he give them that when he is over there.

I wish my H would of confronted me with what he found out but he didnt he went to our hometown and when he came back he stayed at a neighbors till it was time for him to leave and go back to korea. I think he had every intention of getting a divorce and didnt want to talk it out why else would he go home and not even talk to me about this if he would of i would of confessed and explained everything but again he chooses his family over his wife. He asked me if i wanted to come home and with the way he was treating me before he left there was no way i wanted to go he was so mean and i had no idea he knew what he knew. ( remember i told you he tapped our phone?)
He says he tried to work it out when he came home but i dont feel he did he never asked us to go to MC or see the chaplain because if he would have we may not be in this place we are now. I was in my "fog" at the time and not realizing what i was doing . I think if i would of had sat down and had an open conversation with my H and chaplain or whoever it would of changed alot of things.

I wish there were someway you could get out of going to korea would they ok the excuse of your marriage being rocky and needing help. Problably not the military as i have found out cares very little about familys at least from my experiences they have. I bet there are more divorces inthe military than the civilian world even though they dont want to admit and i am sure there is alot of infedelity too alot more than people realize whether it is an EA or PA .

That is great you all have been spending time with each other. Just keep telling your W how much you love her and how much you will miss her and PLLEEEAAASSSEEE! call her and keep in touch as much as possible . Email,call, write do whatever it takes to get her to know how much u love and miss her.

I would just enjoy the time you all have been spending with each other especially your D . I will pray for you that everything works out. When do you leave?

Well the last 2 or 3 days has been a damn rollercoaster. Saturday and Sunday felt like the old days for me. I spent alot of time with my wife and daughter. We went out to eat, made small talk, cooked out, and played around in the yard. I had a great couple of days. Before my wife fell asleep last night I had to ask her if she (because of the last few days) might have given any second thoughts to our situation. I know that it was only a few days of good times, but I needed a reality check at least. Well she didnt answer me. I then asked if she would like to respond at another time. She said she didnt want to answer that night, so nothing much was said.

Ok, today was a whole world of crap. I had previously (about a week ago) made an appointment with a lawyer. Last week, when my wife said she wasnt going to let me spend extended periods of time with my D, I freaked. So I made the appointment soon after that discussion. I called this morning to confirm the appt. and they told that they could not speak with me, because my wife had aready talked with the attorney and it would be a conflict of interest. My wife and I made an aggrement, to not talk with a lawyer until we had discussed and decided on the important stuff first. We both said that we wanted an uncontested divorce. Yes, I also broke the promise. I acted without talking to my wife. I do feel guilty for that. But I was being told that I wouldnt be able to have my daughter live with me for extended periods of time...I didnt know what else to do.

Anyways, I didnt want to get anything started, I just wanted to find out if my wife could do that to me. When I found out my wife was already talking to an attorney I really lost any hope of ever being able to have an amicable divorce. I imediately called my wife. I asked her what the hell was going on. She said that she had just talked briefly with them and that she had never payed or filled out any paper work. We spoke for awhile, until we started discussing our relationship and the passed few years. I dont mean to raise my voice, but I do. And when my wife feels like not continuing she shuts right down.(basically, eyes shut, fingers in ears, sort of) Which of course just @!#$ing drives me up a wall. I calmed down alittle, she did mention that she feels like a "caged animal", and she wishes I would just let her go. I dont really know what that means, but I told her that she can go. I just dont know how else to respond. I love her and dont want her to go. I will let her go, but I do still love her very much and it hurts.

(We were at home) I asked if she wanted me to leave her alone for awhile. She said yes, so I went to talk to a lawyer. I just wanted to get some details on what a legal sep. could offer, what types of cust. is out there, and how much it would cost. If you have never gone to talk with an attorney, you should, it was an experience. The dude, told me "you give me $750 to get me on you side, and we go to war". I accually laughed. These guys are trully [censored]. Anyways I realized what I kind of already knew, I dont really want to have to get a lawyer to defend myself. I will if I absolutly have no other choice, but it will be a last resort.

When I came home from the legal office, I went straight to my wife and told her exactly what I had done. I just wanted her know, and that I dont want a nasty divorce. I started wanting to talk again, we mixed it up alittle and she was heading out the door in mid sentence, to go pick up our daughter.

When she got back the mood had changed like day and night. We started getting along again, goofing around again. I played with my daughter out back while my wife warmed up leftovers for dinner. After we ate, I took my daughter to the book store and my W went running. This "roller coaster" is kickin my [censored]. I know not much has changed. But by the time the night ended I am sad and in love with her again. I really dont know if I am weak, co dependant, or I just really love her and dont want her to divorce me.

toosad,

It is kind of to late to get the orders cancelled. If I knew how things were going to end up I would have. As for telling her that I love her. She told me that it makes her feel uncomfortable. So I sneak one in every once an awhile, but I never know if I should. And if there is one thing that I have noticed, is that I can find myself in almost all of the stories on this website. This is why I know there has to be a way to figure this out. (hope that makes sense)

Well, sorry for the rant. I just needed to throw that out there. I will say bad stuff about myself starting tomorrow.

-Bnugg

P.S. Where is the damn spell checker?

Well I talked to my wife at lunch today. She said there is no turning back. She wants a divorce and there is no hope for us. I am very sad. I am thinking about going ahead and filing for a D (I only have a month left, before I leave). Its so damn hard. Especially when I think about my daughter. She will be so hurt.

I talked to my H today and he was a little tipsy from drinking but i didnt know until he told me but anyway he pretty much in not so many words says i am a piece of crap and i never sacrificed for him and that he is tired of putting everyone else first he is going to put himself first ( our kids of course too). I guess he wants to figure out what he wants and is so hurt by what i have done he wants to go out and date and have his fun like i did is how he put it. He said he needed to vent but why unless we are going to reconcile do i have to be put down all the time and feel worthless? I already feel horrible and depressed as it is. I want us to get back together but i also dont want to be tortured for the rest of my life either. I have told him my reasons and of course there is no reason for adultry but i told him them anyway and the ultimate choice was mine . I know this and i have repeatedly apoligized for it . I dont know what else to do . What should i do next time he does this ? Hang up ? or just give him my answers? and why should it matter what my answers are if i mean nothing to him and he wants nothing to do with me?

Bnugg: YOur wife does sound confused at what she wants . If i were her i would seriously think about what she is about to give up. This is 10 yrs for goodness sakes and I know with the right counseling it could work. And that is exactly how i feel about mine too but like you say you cant do something the other isnt willing to try especially when they believe they did nothing wrong in the marriage like mine. He may not have committed the ultimate betrayel but he did other things.

toosad,

I dont know if my advice is good advice. So with that in mind let me continue. In your husbands mind, there is nothing that he did that compares to an affair. I also think that he may not have known how he was trully effecting you. I do know that I was not being the best husband I could be (or father for that matter). But I do know that I never intended for my wife to feel the way she does. I have always felt that I was reacting to how she was treating me. In reality, it was both of us reacting to the other. It may have started with me, or maybe with her. It doesnt really matter at this point, I just know that it "snow balled" and just kept getting worse. My wife said that she has built a wall to protect herself from me. I have been having a hard time understanding this medaphore. I have always thought that she was not happy with who she married. I asked and asked what was bothering her. She always said nothing. She now says she thinks the reason she never said anything is that she cant stand the way that I respond. I tend to try to fix the problem, instead of just listening. I alway interpret her problems with me as a "why did/do you do this" type of question. So, I always try to explain why I would or did something. Damnit I am still learning, I dont want to come off as if I dont value my wifes opinion, because I do. Is a matter of fact I feel less than her most of the time. Maybe that is the problem in it self.

I think you should try to just let him do what ever he thinks he has to do. And answer his question with honesty. Honesty is the most important thing. He will want to know where, what, when, and how for a long time. He might have to see someone else to make himself feel better about himself. He probably doesnt know exactly what to do right now. And I am not saying his choices are going to be the right ones. I do believe you will have to ask yourself what are willing to put up with. And what you are willing to go through to keep your marrige together. Please understand this...I would have rather lost a limb. A leg, a foot, a hand, ect...(you get the point), than to have found out that my wife cheated on me. Think about that for a minute. I cannot express the things that I would have rather gone through, to not have had to deal with my W's infedelity. So, remember I am not trying to make you feel worse, I am trying to make you understand how he may be feeling. It hurts so much. But, I would also suggest taking care of yourself also. Make the changes in your life that will make you feel more important, worthy, happy, whatever you might feel that you need. Do not let yourself be brought down by his words(he is venting,he needs to.), but please respect how he feels. You have to decide for yourself how to balamce this out. I imagine it will be hard to do. He did, you did. You have to make amends, and so does he. Im not sure how this will happen.

Btw...I catch myself helping myself, through giving my thoughts. My expression, is a result of my experiences. I am not a theripist.

-Bnugg