WH has moved out - wouldn't counsel to help save our marriage but is no willing to go. He had some advice given to him saying that this could help with the whole process. I know he is not going to reconcile - just to help us get through this. Has anyone else done this? I was a little ticked off when he suggested it but we do have an appointment for next week. Any comments? S
suggestions?

TTHO

<small>[ May 22, 2003, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: T. T. H. O. ]</small>

We went once to a counselor in January 2003, after all the stuff listed in my signature profile. My wife thought at least it might help us to "move on", but she also seemed to indicate some small hope of reconciling. At the session, it turned out what she really wanted, was for me to explain why the marriage was never any good, and apologize for causing all the problems. I guess that would have helped her tidy things up emotionally, but I was not interested. She told the counselor that she could not see us getting back together. And I found out she was still seeing OM at the time (and still).

Under conditions like that, I feel it would be a waste of time and stress. Just be careful.

My wife would say we are not communicating well now, and that counseling could perhaps help. My view is that I hear and understand what she says, but I don't trust her and could never trust her. I don't see this as a communication skills issue. When she says "let's at least be friends", I think it really means I should give her what she wants. Again, just be careful.

Yes, we did this.
During separation, it was actually recommended by a mediator who told us she couldn't work with us until we learned to communicate.

In our case, we have children, and so we went for "communication counseling" for the benefit of the children. I learned from the MC that H had no communication skills (OK this explains alot about the problems in the M).
He's still seeing this counselor for IC even a year later, and yet I see very little progress in his skills. I do know that this is helping him to deal with his issues, and this is a good thing.

I highly recommend this. This can be a venue to work through some of your marital issues so you can both find peace. It is also probably much cheaper than working through the lawyers, or a mediator (and depending on how it's billed, may be covered by insurance - if its considered IC instead of MC).

So, without knowing your whole story, I vote YES.

TTHO-

Check out Dr. Harley's articles on Marriage Coaching vs. Therapy or counseling. Also see Cerri's post:
therapy

I also recommend that you guys seek further help but make sure you are getting the right kind of help to fix your relationship. The wrong help will only serve to end your marriage faster and maybe create more bad blood between you.

FYI, after I filed for Dv, the judge ordered additional Marital Recconciliation counseling to see if the marriage could be saved which was considered in the best interest of the kids. We did this for about 4 months before the counselor acknowledged he didn't see how the marriage could recover, "...without greater participation and understanding from Mrs. HoFS."

Good luck.

HoFS

tmmx & Newly,
Thanks for the responses. It's good to hear both sides. Like I said it just makes me angry that he wouldn't do it before it go to this point. He didn't need anyone to tell him how he felt - why can he do that now? I am not going there with any hopes of reconciliation - I would love it buy know that wh doesn't. I will be careful not to have any expectations. We were also told this is cheaper than a lawyer.
TTHO

HFS - thanks for your reply. My wh isn't going to the therapy with any hopes of reconciliation - at this point that is not what he wants at all. So I'm sure we will get the same response from the counselor as you did about wh not wanting to put effort into repairing our marriage. My wh knows how I feel about him not wanting to go until now - it just seems like he wouldn't go to counseling to save our marriage but will go to end it.
TTHO

I think that mediation, as a means of dispute resolution, would be better than fighting through lawyers. But this is different than marriage counseling, and I also think a good mediator should be able to work with unfriendly parties. As long as they will communicate with the mediator. The mediator is "in the middle".

Are there specific goals to this marriage counseling? Is that the right word for what your husband wants to do?

tmmx,
I guess marriage counseling isn't the best phrase but his sister who has been through this suggested a marriage counselor to get us through the next steps. I don't know what his goals are. I know that his sister said that a marriage counselor helped them through the lst part of the divorce process even though wayward h says he is in no rush - wants me to keep telling people that there is no one he is waiting for and no one waiting for him. He acts like the e/a he had has nothing to do with where we are now. I know it wasn't the whole problem but it certainly was a big part of it. Ok - a little off topic there - I'm a little angry I guess.
Anyway I don't have any specific goals for this counseling. I just want to see what he has to offer and who we are seeing comes highly recommended.
TTHO

Well then, set some goals in the counseling.
Such as, to learn to treat each other as human beings, rather than X's.
My H also refused MC during the M, but it was helpful - til he decided it wasn't any longer.
As I said, he still goes, which I can only believe is a good thing for his development. He too needs to grow up.

You didn't say if you had children, but if you do, cooperation is even more important.

Newly,
Thanks for the reply - I hope that this counseling will help us deal with things. We have 3 children - 25, 22 and 20 - so we don't have visitation issues or anything but there will be weddings and grandchildren etc. I want to make sure that we can at least co exist at these events. I love my h - I wish things were different but I know that he doesn't so I'm not sure why he has agreed to counseling now.
TTHO