My wife and I have "birdnested" for the sake of the kids since Dec 2001 in order to sort out our issues and pursue joint counseling and couples communication classes through HMO. Mistakenly thought it was doing some good,...she's been plotting all along.

After the kids told me, very casually that OM had been to the house a few times, I called wife and said we needed to talk. She broke the news and broke down claiming I would never want to speak to her again.

In my mind, I have plan A'd for the last 1.5 yrs and now this. I called Dr. Laura yesterday and asked her, after hearing the news about wife's pregnancy 4 mos away, what course of action I should pursue with the kids. Her response was full custody in that I cannot afford to let the kids to have access to her on a 50/50 basis.

I'm now in a state of limbo where I am getting my ducks in a row, meeting with attorneys and assessing costs.

Does anyone know of a father in the predicament and what success they may have had with pursuing full custody.

The birdnesting arrangement is a major obstacle and I have proposed, for now, that I remain in the house to add stability to the kids' lives.

I'm desperate for guidance, praying daily and yet, I know of no one who has been through anything like this,....

If you are sure that you want a divorce and full custody of the kids, then DON'T leave the house.

You may also want to post this thread over by the infidelity pregnancy/child board to get responses from folks that have been in your shoes.

Good luck.

<small>[ May 22, 2003, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I have been through it/am going through it. In my case I still didnt want to D, but she filed and tried to get full custody. Otherwise I wanted to try to work things out. If your sure you have to D -

Suggestions:
Look up a local mens advocacy group - where I am it was called Fathers for Equal Rights. They can help a lot with strategy, choice of attorneys that specialize in this type of thing, etc.

Hire the best attorney you can (dont pinch pennys)You want the best because even though you likely have a good case most courts still favor the mom. I ended up with split custody and am apealing for full.

Document everything. Letters you may find, conversations with her or things your kids have told you. I even had to get a PI to follow WW and OM to Colorado.

Be prepared to use it. It is a very hurtful process because in these days of no fault D, you still have to prove why you should have custody. You will likely have to give your attorney the authourity to use very damaging info against your wife.

Pray. See a Christian counselor and or your pastor.

John

If I can help at all, let me know.

JohnC--

I have several hundred pages of details over the last three years that would be damaging to her. At some point the cost is going to be too great for both of us and we just have to find a way to move on. Is there any what-if scenario or appeal I might make to her that you feel would appeal to whatever sense of goodness still exists in her?

I think the "best-interest" custody issue is too subjective for my taste. I wish there was another way.

I assume you mean $ when you say cost is too high. Actually, this may be an advantage - She may not want to fight if she feels it is too costly and sees that you are committed.

You need to determine what is important and why. Believe me, I created a lot of debt and was willing to do so for the sake of my childrens future, there is no amount of money I wouldnt spend to have them in a good setting.

You have probably seen fog talked about on this board. It is real. Often the WS is in it deep. They fight hard for everything they want yet blame you if you stand your ground. If, and I mean if you really have to go forward with a D use the steps I discussed in my earlier response. It doesnt cost a lot to make initial contacts and discuss issues and strategies. Maybe they will have just the thing for you that they have seen work before. Contact a fathers group and the best attorney. I interviewed attornys. Some will try to charge a fee for a consult but the good ones will not charge until you are a client, at least this was my experience. I am not sure what state you are in but if you are in Iowa or if contacts here such as fathers for equal rights can give you leads for services in your area let me know and I will provide you with contact info.

Pray for guidence
I cant tell you how to look at things, I can only give you my perspective and I was not about to let money get in the way of my childrens future. We all have our own circumstances and choices to make, but you will not know your other alternatives until you do some investigation with the Lord and with wise counsel in your area.

Regards

John