I am posting here, because I really don’t know where else to go. The last 3 months have been spiraling downward. I could feel my wife and I grown apart. Just Sunday, we blew up at each other and she told me that the only reason she stays is because of our daughters (5 years and 19 months). And in typical fashion I told her don’t do me any favors. She told me she wants this to end (she didn’t say divorce) and told me to leave. Again, in my typical fashion, I told her no, I would not leave my house. There are a lot of issues that I know lead to this moment. First, I am in the navy and we just moved in Dec/Jan and that move was REALLY hard for her, we had begun to really put down roots. Second, when I was on the ship, I was gone a lot so we are spending a lot more time together than before. Because of my new duty station I have a lot of free time and spend a bunch with the girls, which is great. But, that usually comes at the expense of being with my wife, which means either a fight or unbearable tension. Years ago (about 4) we went to a marriage counselor, but it was a waste of time. Probably we had a bad counselor, she was so pro-wife that my wife got upset at her for trying to paint me as the bad guy. I know that I can be hard to live with, and have told my wife that. I just feel that she expects me to be someone else now. One area that has been an issue with us is sex, unless my wife wants to get pregnant, she has NO desire. Furthermore, if I even try to get intimate she acts like tat is all I want from her. I have honestly forgotten how to lead into sex as it happens so infrequently, I ALWAYS initiate, and then she acts like she is doing me a favor and reminds me for the next few days that I just “got it” and should be thankful. A couple of years ago she told me to go “get it” somewhere else (thankfully, I declined). I am not sure what to do next. I do not want a divorce because I know that being in the military means having no custody of my kids because of the court’s bias against military. I also don’t want a divorce because I remember how I once felt about my wife and wish I could get that back.

Dear Boog,<P>I know this is a long shot, but have you tried marriage counseling?

Dear Boog - <P>First please go to the Questionnaire section of this site and print out two of the Emotional Needs Questionnaires. After both of you fill them out, sit down and discuss them. At least then you'll have a clue about what to change. <P>During your discussion, ask what she used to like the most about you, and about what you used to do vis a vis her, and ask how that has changed, ask what she misses. Not enough affection outside the bedroom? Not enough non-kid related conversation? Not enough discussing what she thinks, needs, and feels? (For example, did she feel pushed into the move and still resents it?) Flowers? Evenings out? Time to pursue hobbies?<P>From elsewhere on this site, here are women's top five needs, in order:<P>The First Thing She Can't Do Without - Affection<BR>She Needs Him to Talk to Her - Conversation<BR>She Needs to Trust Him Totally - Honesty and Openness<BR>She Needs Enough Money to Live Comfortably<BR>She Needs Him to Be a Good Father - Family Support<P>Now compare those to men's top five emotional needs, also in order:<P>The First Thing He Can't Do Without - Sexual Fulfillment<BR>He Needs Her to Be His Playmate - Recreational Companionship<BR>He Needs a Good-looking Wife - An Attractive Spouse<BR>He needs Peace and Quiet - Domestic Support<BR>He Needs Her to Be Proud of Him - Admiration <P>From the above difference it is easy to see why effort and communication is so important, isn't it? (Keep in mind your list may be different than the above, but the above is generally close to the mark!)<P>Women not wanting sex is common when they don't feel intimacy w. their husbands; e.g., when they feel sex is all they're wanted for along with cooking and cleaning. It's the corollary to men feeling that all they are is a paycheck to their wives. Figure out by using the questionnaires what your wife needs and how she wants it given to her, and start giving it to her!<P>What women usually don't understand is how important it is for men to have their sexual needs fulfilled FIRST in order to feel intimacy. The problem is that women need to have their need for intimacy fulfilled FIRST before wanting to have sex! Have you tried giving her a foot rub? Oil massage? Sometimes something so simple can open up people...<P>I don't understand why your spending more time with your kids means you spend less time w. your wife. First, most women love to be given a break from their kids so they can get some rare personal time. Second, why aren't you AND your wife enjoying spending time with your kids at the same time? Or is her complaint that kid-related stuff is ALL you do?<P>Keep in mind how common it is when men retire that they drive their wives nuts for the first few years because they aren't used to being together so much. After a time, they learn how to rebalance their relation by developing separate hobbies, etc. You've recently gone through a stressful move and are now going through a stressful change in your relationship with your being at home more often now. All change is tough - be patient!<P>Please write again after you know her needs - I'd love to give you some suggestions then!<P>gobyfish