I would like your input. I know pretty much of what to do, I just need to when to do it.

1. Should I have a separation agreement drawn up and signed by us prior to filing?

2. Should I tell her in advance I will have a separation agreement drawn up?

3. Should I let her know in advance that I WILL be filling or HAVE already filed? Or, lust let her be served?

5. Withdraw half from checking and savings and open my own accounts prior to or after filing?

6. If having my own account, deposit my pay checks in my separate account and write her a check for half the amount? (Paper trail)

7. The utility accounts are in my name, should I close them prior to or after filing, forcing her to establish utility accounts in her name? Then, should I pay half of the utilities? (Paper trail)

8 Should I have my name removed from the auto/home insurance policy? Should I do this prior to or after filing, and should I let her know this prior to or after filing? It comes up for renewal next month. Should I pay of half of hers? (Paper trail)

Also, I was instructed not to leave prior to the divorce being final. But, what happens if, after telling her I have filed or after she has been served, she tells me to get out? Should I leave right away or take the time to look for an apartment or refuse. What if she then changes the locks on the doors?

Thank you,
GLG

The best person to ask is your attorney.

If you feel that things will be amicable, then I would be as up-front as possible. I know my STBXW was sneaky and tricky about things and that ticked me off more than the filing, which I found out on my own by accident. That is the last way to find out!

In my case, she filed 4/8. On that day the county mailed out 'Children are First' pamphlets to both of us. I got the mail in that day, and that was how I knew. Hell, the mailman knew before me! (maybe he was in on it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

She did not get around to serving me herself until 4/24, and I refused to sign the waiver, so she had me served, but not until 5/14, 6 weeks after she filed. Anyway, all of this was available on the internet, so I knew when the summons was prepared and issued to the sheriff, so that was not a surprise. Since my SBTXW tells me nothing, the internet is more reliable and timely.

I would ask your attorney if it is posted on your county's website like mine.

My attorney told me that you can do what you want with the $ w/o impacting the judges decisions. As long as the bills are being paid and the kids are taken care of, it should not be a problem.

Without any background, this is kind of hard to answer but I&#8217;ll give you my opinions:

&#8221;&#8221;1. Should I have a separation agreement drawn up and signed by us prior to filing?&#8221;&#8221;

I presume you are talking about drawing up an agreement between you two by yourself. I would talk to your lawyer before even mentioning it, if she signs anything without being under the advisement of a lawyer, it may not be binding in court. (been there done that).

&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;2. Should I tell her in advance I will have a separation agreement drawn up?&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;

Why wouldn&#8217;t you? If it&#8217;s going to happen it&#8217;s going to happen.

&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;3. Should I let her know in advance that I WILL be filling or HAVE already filed? Or, lust let her be served?&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;

Again, why wouldn&#8217;t you? It sounds as if you are planning a &#8220;nasty&#8221; divorce, not that there is a clean one.

&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;5. Withdraw half from checking and savings and open my own accounts prior to or after filing?&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;

Temporary orders should be issued that address the money situation.

&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;6. If having my own account, deposit my pay checks in my separate account and write her a check for half the amount? (Paper trail)&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;

That would be with the presumption that you two have agreed on which bills, who is going to pay.

&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;7. The utility accounts are in my name, should I close them prior to or after filing, forcing her to establish utility accounts in her name? Then, should I pay half of the utilities? (Paper trail)&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;

1st off, you say below that you are still going to live there, so why would you do anything. This is something that I&#8217;d try to get in temporary orders.

&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;8 Should I have my name removed from the auto/home insurance policy? Should I do this prior to or after filing, and should I let her know this prior to or after filing? It comes up for renewal next month. Should I pay of half of hers? (Paper trail)&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;

I think this is another item you should have addressed in Temporary Orders.

&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;Also, I was instructed not to leave prior to the divorce being final. But, what happens if, after telling her I have filed or after she has been served, she tells me to get out? Should I leave right away or take the time to look for an apartment or refuse. What if she then changes the locks on the doors?&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;

You have as much right to be in the house as she does.

Some background information would be helpful.

I thank you for responding. You have given me somethings to consider.

No I am not planning a "nasty" divorce, that is the last thing I want. I just wanted to know if, like you two mentioned, it would be better to be up front. I did not think about making her angry and making things worse.

You were right, a little background would be nice. Here it is. It is a bit lengthy, though.

My wife and I are in our early forties. We have three young children. Four years ago, she informed me that when she married me it was only because she wanted to be married and I was the better of the men she was dating. She stated she did not love me when we got married and she still does not love me, now. She has also told me that with the exception of the children, our marriage was a mistake and a waste of time.

She has never once greeted me when I came home from work. She never calls me by my first name, or any little “sweet” nickname.

She said that as older she gets she needs to find someone who she wants to spend the rest of her life with; she does not want to spend it with me. She believes that we should each find someone that we want to be with and they want to be with us.

She has always been a stay at home wife or mother. In our 20 years of marriage, she has worked very little. I work a full time job, and in May of last year, I started a part time job to earn enough income so that she can stay at home with the youngest child and the other children can attend a private school. I leave the house at 7:15 am and get return home at 10:45 pm, M-F. So, needless to say, I don’t see her and the children often enough. My wife seems to like it that way.

I sleep on an inflatable air mattress on the floor in the family room. We had slept in the same bed very little in the past ten years. She claims it is mostly due to me snoring but has added she is afraid I will want sex if we sleep in the same bed. Sex has been about three or four times in the last couple years.

The longer we stay together, the more she gets irritated with me. We verbally fight and argue in front of the children. Sometimes, she calls me names and whirl insults in front of the children. Yes, sometimes, I will yell back but I try not to call her names or insult her.

I know I am not the perfect husband or father. She claims that me not being as a good a father to the children as I should be irks her, it just compounds the problem.

I am willing to take 50% of the blame, but I just don’t want to break up the family. I wanted to renew our vows on our 20th wedding anniversary but she refused. This anniversary went unacknowledged.

So far, after four years of telling me she did not love me when we married, she does not love me now, etc., she has not filed yet. I believe that she wants it to be a mutual thing, where we both go down together and mutually agree to a divorce.

She complains when I carry more than a couple of dollars on me at one time on me. She says I spend it too quickly, this is not true. She does not like for me to carry the credit card, either. My coworkers seldom ask me to lunch because they know I always bring my lunch with me and never carry enough cash or a credit card to buy lunch with. The only things in my billfold are my driver's license, insurance papers, and a dollar or two.

She will not let me have pictures of the children or their artwork her at work. She says that I am not am good enough father for that. These may seem like small things to some people, but it has gotten to be a sore subject with me.

I hope this helps you understand why I was asking the questions id.

Thank you,
GLG

Wow, what a bombshell to drop.

How can take 50% of the blame here. I mean, she NEVER loved you, is that your fault? You loved her, right?

It sounds that the both of you want a D, so why not work it out. Do you think there will be a problem negotiating with her? If not, I would consider mediation.

If you don't, I would retain a lawyer to be in your corner and help you.

Does your wife have any skills outside the home? Does she have a degree? If not, you will owe her child support and maintenence (alimony). Personally, I would consider legal separation. This would give her time to find a job and insurance etc.

Yes, I did love her. And, I still do, to some extent. But not as much as I did.

She is the one that want the divorce. I want to stay together for the sake of the family. But, this type of marriage is not good for the kids to witness. I am seeking it becasue I along cannot make it work.

She has an Associates Degree. But, she is computer illiterate. I have thought about getting her prepared such as sending her to a school to refresh and update her skills. But I doubt she would go.

Yes, why would she? You would have to support her.

It sounds like she has life pretty good. If she is truly seeking someone else, you should not have to support her very long.

How old are your kids. Chances are, they have already witnessed too much and the damage is done.

I fear for that too!

My boys have not really seen a loving, caring and respectful marriage and I am afraid they won't konow how to act when they are married. We learn so much from our parents. My parents never really showed affection to each other around the house. But they have been married for 53 years.

Yes, she has had a preety good life, a husband that loves her, stay at home mom, free financial reign, no questioning, a nice home, etc. But she is still not happy with me and does not love me.

I believe she thinks that child support and family will be enough to get her and the children by. Or, that she will in no time find another man to love.

Our children ar 1, 6, and 9 years olds.

That stinks and sounds very familiar to me. But my wife does have a good job. She has never said that she did not love me, but she does say that she felt pressure from her parents to marry me as she was the youngest of 7 and they wanted to retire.

My boys are ages 6 and 9, so I know how hard it is.

They are the only 2 reasons that I am still around. I don't want to miss any of their lives b/c I know I will after the D. My W is spoiled too, her being the youngest and me never being able to say NO to her many requests. I have done so many things that she has asked for thinking I was making her happy, only to find out that it was never enough. I guess in her fairy tale, I am not the knight in shining armor, just a guy that tries his best is not good enough anymore.

Try and have a godd weekend.