I have been married for almost 18 years. I LOVE MY WIFE WITH ALL MY HEART!! She told me in february it was over and served me. I have found out it is all over a co-worker!We have been seperated since Feb.25. She is very open about her relationship with him!(dating,meeting at theater,phone calls ect..)THE CHILDREN ARE SEEING ALL OF THIS!!! I know that I have not been meeting her needs but I will do what ever it takes to keep our family together. I know that is what God wants. We are christians and God is not in this! I have been told by friends and my counseler that this fling is only temperary and will eventually die or crash.I have also talked with countless divorced people and have concluded that most couples have at least made an attempt at reconciliation. Is this true? I am willing to wait however long it takes. Is there anything I should do other than go ahead with the divorce? My children are devistated as am I.My teenage children are full of resentment towards her.Is there any hope? Please pray for us. My wife has totally shunned friends and our church family. Any help would be appreciated. God bless!!

<small>[ May 25, 2003, 07:37 PM: Message edited by: adamv ]</small>

From one who has been going thru this *hell* for the last year and a half, with an official divorce filed by my WH, the best advice I can give is don't push and don't pursue...it goes against every thing you want to do, but it is REALLY the best thing...if you pursue, plead, beg, it only makes them feel more trapped, more anxious to run. My counselor said "stand still."
Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but pursuing definately does NOT work.

Take care of yourself, read about Plans A and B and apply as much as possible to your life and the circumstances. I fully appreicate the pain you are going thru right now as do other here. Vent here. You will find the advice and support will help you on the dark days.

My WH has been involved with another married coworker for a few years and will not consider anything else but a future with her at any cost. He is stubborn, prideful and deeply "in the fog". So be it. He is "happy".

I wish you the best in your efforts....with all the people on here who have lost spouses to coworkers, I have to wonder...how the heck does anybody get any WORK done??!!?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Bless you!

I have been married for almost 18 years. I LOVE MY WIFE WITH ALL MY HEART!!

Somewhere along the line your WW has not thought you loved her with all your heart. Something in the relationship was missing or she would be beside you now. This doesn't mean you deserved the ultimate betrayal of an affair.

She told me in february it was over and served me. I have found out it is all over a co-worker! I know that I have not been meeting her needs but I will do what ever it takes to keep our family together. I know that is what God wants. We are christians and God is not in this!

My WW and I have been christians for over 20 years. She has had 2 affairs since becoming a christian. What good has that done? A christian is still a flawed human being. Yes they might have a different outlook of right and wrong but emotions sometimes rule over convictions and moral standards.

I have been told that this fling is only temperary and will eventually die. Is this true?

Who told you it was only temporary? Did she say that or are you going by statistics. Statisticly affairs don't last.

I am willing to wait however long it takes. Is there anything I can do other than go ahead with the divorce?

If you have small children and assets to divide you'll have to go along with the divorce in order to get what you want out the settlement if it comes to that. Protect yourselt. Therre is alot you can do. Focus on yourself and make yourself a better person. Challenge yourself to be the best person you can be. Change where ever you see you need to, not for WW necesarily but for yourself.



My children are devistated as am I.Is there any hope?

There is alway hope. Read Pslams. God is good and great. He hears the prayers of the afflicted and answers those who cry out to him.

You mentioned your WW is avoiding church. This is understandable. She knows her behavior is not condoned by God. She'll most likely avoid situations that would make her reflect on her behavior.

I'm in a situation like yours. WW is still in the home and no divorce papers have been given to me yet. We've been married 24 years and she has had 4 affairs over that time. I'm not going to quit on this relationship until she ends it. I pray to God every day for the strength to do what He wants me to do for myself, to get my life in order with Him first. Then hopefully WW will see I'm not such a bad deal after all.

adamv - When my wayward x-husband had his affair we were married 23 years. The affair is a fling, a euphoria. There is nothing in it but lies, deceit and betrayal. The best thing you can do is look at yourself. Work on yourself. And be the best person you can be. I was told this many times, the devastation took over my feelings. I wallowed in pitty and had a difficult time doing anything. Depression was deep set in my mind.

Be loving, and kind. Set your boundaries, the wayward spouse will use you, and see you as their enemy. They will try to get the icing on the cake, with the cherry and whipping cream. Therefore, don't be a doormat to their wants and needs. They need to realize they have committed adultery and are destroying the family.

As far as christian beliefs, they have no christian beliefs. Everything is for them, what feels good, etc. We are christians, and my x-husband told me it was only biology, sex with the other woman. He was just doing what men do, spread his DNA. Talk about FFOOGG... ~~~~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . Hey, that is okay, he was ffooggyyyy (croak), and that was his choice. Only he didn't realize the ramifications of biology, STD, AIDS, etc. My x-husband had to get the testing done. You never know where the other person was, and who their other partners were with.

The kids are having a hard time, YES! This is the stress among any stress that destroys a childs emotional balance. My kids are devastated with their dads actions. They heard their dad call them names, me their mother names. Their dad swore a lot. And used his time for himself and her. The kids know that dad was in denial, and was not treating this family correctly. There are side-effects, and anger is still coming out. Boys show physical anger more.

If you can afford, the kids should be in counseling. They should beable to express their anger, and betrayal by their mother. Their breakup of a family. An affair hurts kids so deeply.

Just try to be you. Move on and join a gym, or club of somesort. You have to do things for yourself, and let her know you are doing fine. Which you will. It took me 2 years to get to this point. But I am doing great now. Not divorced yet. X-husband to be has still not signed the papers, and wants to change things he said yes to in front of the judge. But I am moving on and having a relationship with God, and my church. I have fellowship with the people at my church. I invited my x-husband and he said he is not ready for church. Which is his choice but the offer was made. My kids don't go to church, for they said why. Why, when dad doesn't go, and didn't go for years. During his affair, he went on christmas only and was not in church. He sat there and you could see he was so unhappy. The kids were afraid to say anything or do anything. Also, get involved with your kids. And have a good time, and show them that dad is a christian, and loves them.

This is so difficult, you will be like a roller coaster and not feel right at times. That is okay, you are there for your kids, while the wayward spouse fantasizes in their euphoria and lies and deceit.

Take care, and be there for you first! Rememeber, without you, the kids have nonone right now. That was how it was for me. The kids knew they had a home and me. God be with you.

Hey, Adam,

Welcome to the club! NOT a fun one to be in, I assure you.....

YOu are full of pain and confusion right now, but you have come to the right place!! Although you might want to jump on over to GQII board.

For one thing, it is much more PRO-Marriage than this div. board. I often find it full of disillusioned, hurt, angry, bitter people who want others to celebrate their (real or impending) divorces with them.

Personally, I wish this div. board was more supportive of those wanting to save their marriages, but it is not. There is always one post that is....it is the Marriage Restoration Prayer requests. We post it every week. Look for it.

In the meantime, if you would like help maintaining your calm while your W has this "fling" and perhaps one day wishes to come home (it happens more often than not), then you need to go to GQII. People over there are helping each other do that very thing.

To answer some of the questions contained in your post, there is LOTS you can do! Start by reading all the info from this site. Find it on the Concepts page, get there by the links at the top of this page. I see you have taken ownership of your break-down in your Marriage, by admitting to the part you played in not meeting all of your W's EN's. That is a good start.

There are other good sites out there, too. One is www.RejoiceMinistries.org . Go there, and see how one couple saved their 19-year long marriage (17 years ago!!) through the power of prayer and a belief that God HATES divorce.

Brother, this is not easy. But it CAN be dealt with, and God will walk with you all the way through it. Please keep posting. Where ever you go, there are good people here to help you navigate through the toughest thing you have probably ever gone through!

God Bless,

<small>[ May 25, 2003, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

I am sorry for the welcome to this crowd. And yes, IMHO, affairs don't last b/c they are built on quicksand. But some marry. And those that do, because they were made to feel or were blamed for the affair, sometimes they stick it out with get this one...the other person...

But work on you right now. Do that. Learn plan A and B. Seek my buddies Redhat and Orchid. Ask for them via posting here and on gen. questions.

You can't change her mind. Learn MB principles and LMBT by Dobson.

My stbxh is on his second affair. As I now know, his last mistress found out about the present mistress and how Jethro attempted last year to sleep with me, the evil and horrid betrayed wife. In this affair, he's trying to out it pub licly. Presenting them to the world as a couple. She is unmarried with an almost 3 year old son. They are spending the night with kids around in full view. And he has TAKEN HER TO CHURCH.

His parents, the outlaws, are aware now but are enabling because FIL even cheated on MIL about two years ago shamelessly. And this guy, FIL was a Baptist deacon. Go figure.

My stbxh even told me once that if I really loved God and was true to my faith that "I'd want him to be happy (thus continue in his affair)". What a potshot.

But don't be niave when it comes to divorce. It is final and the foggy ones are NOT CAPABLE OF MAKING GOOD DECISIONS. When you are actively flushing your life and family down the toilet and placing your selfish needs above everything else, TELL ME IF YOU'RE ABLE TO MAKE SOUND DECISIONS OR MORAL ONES REGARDING CUSTODY, FINANCES, ETC.

If you lie and cheat on your spouse, you will in the divorce settlement too. I know from experience.

But learn MB principles and protect yourself and the kids from this situation. Love them through it. Listen to them. And do like Faith says. Get a new hobby. Find new things out about you. TURN YOURSELF INTO THE BEST YOU POSSIBLE. THAT IS IMPORTANT.

If ww sees you crying, moaning and wearing sackcloth everywhere then that's not attractive. Neither is clingy.

Don't get stepped on or step in something because you did what I did--waited for the miracle to happen. I did. God loves families and hates divorce. But we as humans have something called free will. My x's free will has led him to his adultery. Led to the divorce. It isn't part of what God wants, but that's the only area where I have to deal with. God knows it. And I am moving right along with God despite this bump in my life road.

Lost Husband is an incredible Christian father who is dealing with some heavy stuff with his xwife and her moral stupidity. Seek him too.

We've had to do things we don't like here. But we've got enough faith to stand up for our kids and for the truth. Yea, we've been betrayed. And it hurts. We've been abandoned by those we loved and trusted. Yea it hurts. But what would hurt more is not to stand up for our children. They love us and are here for us and need a sound parent during all of this. You gotta stand for them now and in the years to come.

You can do it. Do everything and arm yourself with faith.

My life verse changed after having endured three years of total and horrible hell.
"Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand your ground; and after having done everything to stand."

You have to put on the FULL ARMOR to do battle. Not just a little faith here and salvation there. The full armor. And you have the promise that if you do EVERYTHING and I mean everything for your family and stand up legally and morally for them that you'll remaain STANDING TALL WHEN THE DAY OF EVIL COMES AND YOU WILL WIN. You're promised to be standing after that battle. It's the battle of your life. It will show who you really are and your character. And if you take the right approach with faith and thinking instead of acting out negatively and emotionally, you will win this fight.

I pray for peace for you and your family tonight. It is hard but God's there and so are we. God's available 24/7 and even on holidays and emergencies.

Remember this especially, think. Don't react. Think first. That way you'll have very little regret to deal with when all is said and done. Just be pro active for your kids and do the right thing. Don't be ugly or evil or degrading to your ww. But stand up for your beliefs and while doing what you have to do legally, use MB principles. And USE THIS TIME ALONE TO WORK ON YOU AND DO A GOOD PLAN A (after securing the attorney).

Does anyone have anything to add?? Come on fire up that keyboard!!!