I feel like my H is just trying to push me over the edge. He came back from a "golf trip" with his friend and father, supposedly on Thursday. He did not leave me any travel itenerary (where he was staying, flights, etc. and said he was available by cell phone. Well, when I called his cell phone, it took him 15 hours to answer and when he did call back he was using his friend's cell phone rather than his own. He announced on Sturday morning that he is moving out come July 1 and has found an apartment. I am nearly 99% sure there is someone else because he takes such great lengths to hide what he is doing. He even boasted how he used no credit cards, only cash, on vacation. He has also taken it upon himself to de-program our phone so you cannot see what the last number dialed was as well as de-programmed the caller ID.

Anyway, we have 2 kids, 7 an 11, and they will be devastated by all of this. They know there are troubles and that I have been making tremendous changes in our relationship but the H will not budge. He doesn't care about the present. He can only focus on things in the past. Example, he recently tried to get our house re-financed and title placed in his own name. When I saw the papers, I was so upset and insisted they be re-drawn in both names. THis is what he considers a breach of my trust in him! This is what I live with.

Anyway, I am so confused about what to do. Should I just ask him to get out now rather than have him here for another 5 weeks? Also, he has a lawyer friend who is known for his sleaziness in our community. I am fearful about what he is planning with this guy. SHould I see a lawyer right away and take my half of money in the bank? I don't know wether this will make him up the ante as to the oppressive/secret/drive me crazy environment in our home. Also our kids still have two weeks of school left and know they will be effected by any decision I make. Yesterday, they could sense what was wrong. They did not talk at all during the day when everyone was together. Advice Please!!

You are in full crisis mode. First take a breathe.
Now, do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. See a lawyer to weigh your options. Ask him about the money.
Check out JenBrown's thread on how to hide money.
You don't say whether you want to work on the M or not, or whether you follow MB principles. If you do, search the concepts part ofthe site for more information.
If you don't already have one, get an Individual counselor (IC) to help you through this traumatic time, and to help you deal with telling your children.
Get some books on separation & divorce. The children should be told by you and H together if you are separating. I read so many books right away. And when I couldn't concentrate, I listened to books on tape.
You will find support here, for now, just breathe.

My heart and prayers go out to you. And you've met the person who just lived through this two years ago. Buckle up and get ready to ride the rollercoaster and if you don't want to, do what I should have done then.

First. I would like to say to apply MB principles during all of this. I believe in families and marriage. Divorce is horrible, but when you are dealing with someone who has lost totally their moral compass and is lost in fog, you need to protect yourself and the kids first. He will not look after you.

My stbx, whom you can follow in my posts has done the very same things. We built our dream home here in GA. I knew of his supposed and brief affair with a woman I call Ms. Monkeyho and claimed to have ended it. We move three states away into our gorgeous dream home and then again life fell apart. One time he went to Miami for a "business trip" and said he went deep sea fishing with his associates (it's his company). Maybe that's what they call adultery now. Deep sea fishing. Anyway, I didn't hear from him for two days. He would usually call. When I would call him it would not ring and go straight to voice mail. And then he called to say he was sorry that he had "lost" his cell phone and later found it.

More monkey business. And I find out our new dream home is in HIS NAME. Our other home which is still in limbo is in joint names. He did that proactively b/c he didn't think I could get the asset. HE's WRONG. AND YOURS IS WRONG TOO. IT IS JOINT MARITAL PROPERTY. One GOLF TRIP later, I find out when I am going through his bag to get his dirty clothes to do laundry for him, a golf trip he went on saying he "had to go because some big wheels" would be there and could really introduce his product and yada yada yada. He went on the golf trip with his business partner on the weekend of my birthday. At the bottom of the overnight bag I found a girls' Harley daivdson baseball cap. Monkeyho has a harley. She had left her calling card once more. A little thing like a baseball cap ruined so much.

What should I have done? Call my attorney and get an immediate freeze on the assets. During this time with your husband, you need to begin calling the shots, but be MB wise. I would almost go into Plan B immediately. Write him the kind letter and state what you are desiring from the marriage. He says he ismoving out and wants out, fine. Contact redhat and orchid immediately here. They are soooo good with a and b. Ask their opinions but your story is so much like mine.

Meanwhile two years and another mistress later, I am ending my divorce. It has been horrible. My x has denied us money, disrespected me publicly and privately at every chance he gets, is openly flaunting his affair with Ms. Family Values and is even attempting to ruin my next weekend with my son by trying to arrange to get son from school on friday just so he can have son as a "prop" for Ms. Family Values' son's birthday party on saturday (child will be 3) and make himself "look good".

There's alot of WS out there that when they decide that it is all about them, we are dealt with in the most unkind way. And let's take my other post here, the Mayor of NYC for example. He used the 911 tragedy to look good. Meanwhile he is openly cavorting in public with his mistress placing her in charge of the funding of the 911 campaign to throw good light on her all the while the wife and kids are living under an emotional hell in Gracie Mansion. He divorces the wife. He spins it the whole time saying she is "bitter and evil" and paints a horribly negative picture of the woman who bore him two children and stood by him and was so horrible because she fought for her marriage. And then the guy weds the ho in the same home he lived with his wife and children.

When some people get to this point, especially imho if they are in some kind of business, position, or participate in some sport where they're getting an adrenaline rush of some kind, they take incredible risks and do the most outrageous of things...sometimes to their families also.....

Nip it in the bud. Immediately secure an agressive attorney. Tell the attorney that your x is having an affair and that you'd still like to save the M if possible, but that you need to fight as hard as you can in the meantime. LEt your x know he's pushed you up against the wall. Play the victim and do the "what else could I do card" during this time. I should have instead of putting every bit of ounce into saving the marriage. But you can still apply MB principles during this time. Your H needs to fully know should he willingly exit the fog and mistress for good that you will be open to working on things.

But proceed with caution here. I don't want to give you either false hope of reconciliation or of divorce. What I would like you to do is be prepared. Have tunnel vision. Place the survival both emotional and financial of you and the kids in the forefront. Get a good counselor. We're here.

I hate the situation you are in. I hope I can help. A marriage and family is the glue of life. It is so damn important. And sometimes just because life has gotten too boring, too predictable, they want more. They want a new conquest. They want excitement. And how can you experience something new with someone you've been with so long? Well if they are open to counseling or a MB weekend or something they might could. But if they close their minds to this then they will seek not their own.

My x has become so incredibly destructive it is unthinkable. Sometimes at night I just cry. I wonder where the man I knew went to? I believe he is dead. Died along with his principles and honor he once had. The guy I knew would have rather cut off his pee pee than become this kind of person. He even smokes cigarettes occasionally now. Spends money like water at clubs, casinos, and jetting the carribbean here and there. All with Ms. Family Values, an unwed mom. And Maxxim model...geez. Two weeks ago, he broke into my home I am leasing. But he was caught by neighbors and caught on tape by the police cruiser. I am playing now a waiting game before we can get him into court once more. They are going to press charges and I am getting a restraining order. You see, I never broke. Came damn close to losing my mind and my heart was ripped out but never broke. And I kept on living. Made the best of it. He was infuriated that I am taking him before the judge and that the world is finding out his little secrets about hiding money and squandering money and that he's not the man he is pretending to be.

The anger caused him to be the one to break and thus he burglarized my home looking for any evidence that I had become like him.
I have not. I am ending this next month (at the latest if we have to go to trial) or earlier if we can reach an agreement and "show" him what the judge and jury will see and see if the man cracks and signs my way. I've had to fight for everything. Everything. I started my life over with nothing. No savings nothing while he lived in almost a million dollar home.

Last weekend I was given a standing ovation by my state medical society and was sworn in as president. And I am not a shabby looking 34 yo either. So he's gone from the honorable and intelligent mother of his kids, once a stay at home mom now again a medical professional and now state prez of her society to an unwed, no degreed almost porn model with a good bod and (somewhat) decent face and that's about all anybody can say about her...Oh and that she lives openly with a married man and has squandered over 100k with him. But that's the Maxxim Woman I guess.

Get praying. Get tough. Get thinking right now. Use your head. Put the heart aside. Deal in compartments. Have one emotional compartment for your marriage, one for your family, one for your legal issues. Deal with them separately for now. But obtain the agressive attorney and ALMOST FORGOT THIS ONE...GET A PRIVATE EYE. You will need ammunition and evidence if you live in a fault state but it's really good even if you don't live in a fault state because then you can show by their lies and behavior just cause why they will not be apt to give you a fair split of marital assets.

I pray your family is healed. But remember, a family is where the home is..The family home. You're the glue. One lovng parent with the kids. One loving parent who puts the kids first. That is also a family. Sure, it's best with TWO loving parents, and I am praying for that for you.

Also get Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. All about affairs.

Get Praying and Get Tough. I am here.

I forgot but I need to say this gently to you now...Your H is probably 100% having an affair.Mine has dealt in cash now for three years and did the phone thing and went as far as having the bank records and the credit card statements sent to his office saying that "I would like for our office manager to do all our books together plus it would give you more time to yourself." Like it was a gallant and kind thing to keep me in the dark.

Woah Peachy... there's a lot of stuff we don't know, that wasn't said, that is implied, but jumping to the conclusion that this guy is like J...? Lets give it some space.

First of all, why don't you call the people he supposedly went with and flat out ask them: "Did you really go with him?", "What did you guys do?", "I'm really scared that something might have happened. He's acting weird. I need to know: what's going on? Is there something you want to tell me?" And then be silent and see what they say.

Secondly, why don't you call the phone company? Tell them you lost your copies of the phone bills for the past 6 months and have copies sent to you. Better yet, I would suggest that you take the kids and go "visit" your family that lives somewhere else for a while. If your spouse is having an affair, he'll be more than happy to let you do this. It buys you time and keeps you away from him, which is kind of important (see below).

Thirdly, I live in Gaithersburg, MD. I'm sure you know where that is. If you follow my threads by searching on my name, you'll find scattered Maryland based advice and comments. I think you'll find it illustrative. However the very first thing you ABSOLUTELY MUST UNDERSTAND ABOUT DIVORCE IN MARYLAND is that it isn't fun, it's very biased in the woman's (your) favor (which is good), and you can really screw yourself up if you don't figure out the laws here.

- You need to understand that where you have kids, even if you are the most horrible person on the face of the planet, the state will want to give them to you as well as lots of child support. So, take a deep breath. You have lots of rights and it's going to be very hard for your spouse to ever take this bias away from you...
- Next, you need to understand that regardless of WHY you might file for divorce, it's going to take about 15 months to process here.
- Next, you need to understand that IF you are going to file based on adultery, you must right now cease any behavior that implies that you HAVE FORGIVEN OR ACCEPTED adultery on his part. This means living together, having sex, being alone together in private, being affectionate in public, writing notes that forgive him, writing notes that imply any of the just-noted behaviors. If you EVER CONDONE the adultery IN ANY WAY, you lose your rights.
- Here's why you don't want to lose your rights to go after him for adultery. 1) You are almost certain to get total custody of your kids, 2) Whatever child support you would get, Maryland will garnish his wages and give you A LOT MORE, and 3) The same thing will happen with spousal support for you to pursue education or whatever to help you get back on your feet.
- This is why you should immediately take the kids and go visit a relative while you decide what you want to do. Right now you're all confused and in shock. You don't know enough to say what's going on and even make a decision without that decision seeming impulsive and crazy.

While on vacation, get the last 6 months of bank statements and ALL telephone bills. Look up or have your relatives/friends call any numbers you don't recognize and find out who those numbers are. Tell your spouse that you'll need money during your vacation... but just in case he suspects something, I would recommend that you pull as much CA$H as you can get your hands on. Maybe he'll be proud of you for being so cash-oriented <wink>. If he suspects that you are suspicous, he will or his lawyer will tell him to cut off your access to funds. It's totally illegal (of course) but is part of the Maryland game.

Once you get the statements (and you can usually speed up delivery by paying a fee), check them out. If there is suspicious stuff there, I would next suggest that you hire a PI (private investigator). Nothing screams louder in Maryland than PI evidence in an adultery case. If you have photos or any other evidence of adultery (all you have to prove is Disposition and Opportunity), you will bias the courts 100% in your favor. BUT, remember, if YOU EVER CONDONE THE AFFAIR... you lose EVERYTHING.

Maryland blows. They don't want people filing for divorce based on adultery so they make it really really hard.

Once you have your evidence through bank statements and telephone records and preferably the PI, confront him from the security of your vacation retreat by telephone (with your mom or whoever sitting by you to listen) and just flat out ask him. Asking him, this is the date of your "FINDING OUT". Anything you do after this has legal consequences for you. This is why you want a witness and you want to be far from him when this all goes down.
- If he lies to you, don't make any big speeches. Tell him you love him, you're sorry for being jealous, and contact a lawyer with your evidence - you'll need money to support you and the kids during the separation and things to come. The lawyer should immediately file this.
- If he admits to it, DO NOT say... "OH! I've suspected this forever!" Be shocked and pass the phone to your mom. Let her tell your spouse what a [censored] he is. Now, have your mom sit on you for the next little while so that you do not talk with your spouse in any way. You are not allowed to talk to him because the odds of you saying something that implies that you forgive or condone him ARE JUST TOO HIGH.

If I had known all about Maryland divorce, I would have walked out of my D-Day, and flown to Arizona with my parents. As it was, I waited too long, I vacilated, and what would have been a stellar Adultery-based divorce became one of irreconcilable differences. Accept it now... in Maryland, divorce takes a long time. You lose your legal advantages in a huge way if you do certain things (which I have just told you). Push for the divorce NOW and then push for reconciliation AFTER the divorce is granted, if you want to reconcile.

Now, if you push this through, you'll need money. Apply for as many joint credit cards as you can. Do cash withdrawals on your existing joint credit cards. Take out all cash in any joint account you have. Give it to your mom. Do NOT go shopping. Do NOT blow it out of spite. You are holding this money in trust for your kids. Give your lawyer as much as you can as a retainer. DV lawyers here cost about $210 PER HOUR all the way up to $600 per. My lawyer was great if you want a referral.

Your husband will be VERY MAD at you if you drain your joint financial assets. But, don't let it phase you. Tell him that you have turned it all over to the judicial system and that it will be dealt with as part of the divorce. Start the adultery-based divorce.

At some point, he'll see what's at stake for him... and you'll see it too. Unless you have pictures of him doing stuff, you'll want to strategically switch over to a separation agreement that spells out everything. It'll be faster and cheaper... and you can offer it as part of an attempt to reconcile LATER. If that's what you want.

<small>[ May 25, 2003, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>

Good ideas Lyxa. What if she works and can't take the time off? We need to address that one.

I am pretty much 90% in agreement with you. However, here in GA, the judges like to see that you "tried" to reconcile and the other party kept on dancing into stupdisville with other person. My judge has actually ordered people into counseling if he thought they could reconcile. So I showed I tried, failed and am now divorcing him. Thank God for GA judges and not the hard line approach of MD.

I too retreated to my family when the beginning of the crap rain began to fall. It is easier. And they provide support.

I agree once you start, do a plan B. Please read up on plan B.

And if these things are going on, you can always reconcile later if the stupid one leaves the fog for good. I wanted to withdraw amounts from my joint checking, but Jethro made physical threats against me and scared me into leaving it alone. Then he blew over 100k with his women.

Learn from me and Lyxa. Do what you can. But THINK. Don't be controlled by emotions right now that are running high. Think of it as a vacation from psychosis. You're getting away from the pain that has been so evident in your life and putting the puzzle together and getting on with things for you and the kids. If your H wants to change, he can and will PROVE IT TO YOU and your lawyers. Oh and get the PI asap. I believe Lyxa if she gets the PI the husband will be not thinking to expect it as he's riding the adultery high right now with other woman probably. He may think you are just alone crying away over him leaving. This is best time to catch him in the act. When I got evidence from the PI, I was somewhat relieved. I thought I was going mad. He made me think I was imagining it all. That I was the one who was over protective, jealous, and controlling. It was really just him trying to blow smoke and cover up his affair(s) and make me(the innocent one) look bad. They do that. WS do that.

I think a lawyer visit asap, PI evidence, and money to survive on is paramount. I also think that this weekend may be a great time as it's a holiday to catch your WS.

My X used to use holidays as a "business trip" thing and was usually off with other woman. Find out where he is. Get the PI asap. You can easily find one in any city by calling a brancyh of Pinkerton's or a national chain. Give them his car tag info, personal description, and maybe email or fax a photo to them. They can find him easily if you know where he might be. My PI's followed X to Airport. He picked up his business partner. Then they drove to Tunica Casino. Then they had dinner. It was about 10 pm and they called me to say that no women had showed up and asked if I wanted them to keep on with the surveillance. I said yes. They called about eleven thirty pm to say that a tall and leggy blonde just joined them at the fancy steak house and was sitting really close to my H. Then they gambled for a few hours and then THEY GOT ON TAPE MY X WALKING HAND IN HAND WITH MONKEYHO INTO THE HOTEL SUITE. Then they videod them coming out of the room together the next morning. Gotcha!

I filed the first time the very next day and should have continued and never looked back but I am very conservative and very pro family and honestly thought the man was going thru a mid life crisis or was becoming insane and forgave him. That was wrong and cost me a year of my life where I could have been moving on and one step closer to healing.

But the shock and awe campaign must begin. Be with your allies. You need family and friends. We know damn well it hurts. It stinks really bad. But I don't wish anybody to have to endure one more day longer than what I have had to endure. Wisdom and the old been there with I'd done it better advice really would have made all the difference.

Let the judge order counselling and other reconciliatory things. That way she hasn't violated the conditions for filing based on adultery, which is where all of her leverage is. To be honest though, for this state, if it is adultery, and she has the proof I mentioned, they'll order him to pay family support till the dv goes through and then maybe order joint counselling for a few months. If she actually had pictures of him having sex with another person, they would order him to pay for her to go to counselling with the kids as part of recovery (without him) as part of the decree and then family support on top of that... and then berate him for several hours in front of the court.