Hi. I'm a 21 year old college student, and I have recently fallen in love with a 22 year old man who I feel may be the man I marry. We have known each other for a year, and were friends before we began dating, so I feel that (for once) this relationship is based on friendship, mutual interest, respect, and above all a very deep love which has been quite surprising.<P>We haven't yet begun seriously considering marriage, but as I learn more about his family, my concerns grow. I don't foresee many small things as being true problems for us (we are big on compromise, and we are very open and communicative with one another), but this is a big thing that could be a BIG problem.<P>The problem is his family. He was raised in a very strict protestant environment, with a lot of restriction on his freedom and with very little trust from his parents. This resulted in a lot of poorly chosen rebellion - smoking and drinking, mostly, and a small crisis in faith. <P>He lived with them until a year ago, when he moved to the university, and for the first time felt a taste of independence and freedom that was very powerful for him. It allowed him to get out from under his family's thumb and make some choices for himself - he has quit smoking, made drinking a social activity, and has chosen to remain Christian despite a lot of confusion (he does not want to practice radical fundamentalism like his parents, but he has chosen Christianity as his true belief). This independence has led to a lot of conflict with his parents, who feel that he is falling from grace or something - because he is not living his life as they would have him do. <P>I am concerned because I think that they will see me as a large contributing factor to this "fall from grace." I am his best friend and his love, and he goes to me for advice before he goes to them - and I think that will show, as he grows more independent. Additionally, I am Catholic, (another potential conflict in our hypothetical marriage, but one I feel more confident about resolving because of the nature of our relationship), which would be instantly a strike against me in their eyes.<P>The conflict between my boyfriend and his parents is getting worse, and soon I will be thrown into the mix when I make their acquaintances this summer. My questions are these:<P>1. How do I present myself to them in a way that is true to myself (e.g., I think that my boyfriend's efforts to become more independent are a good thing, I like rock music, I like action films, etc - all things that his parents would disapprove of, but are a part of me), without making them hate me? I don't want to act like someone I'm not, and then marry him and either have to lie forever or have it fall apart and be a big problem later on.<P>2. In the long run, is it better to compromise when they have problems with this relationship, or would it be better to stand our ground when arguments arise? <P>3. Although Brian (my boyfriend) is becoming very independent-minded and is a very intelligent, fair man, what kind of implications would a family like this have on his qualities as a husband or father?<P>4. How do I avoid a "me vs his parents" situation - something I definitely want to avoid, but may be inevitable if his parents are really opposed to me?<P>5. Worst case scenario: they refuse to have anything to do with me. How should I react? <P>6. What if they're all right with me, but I plain dislike them? How do I hide it, or deal with it?<P><BR>This may seem rather premature, but I want to bring these issues out into the open and establish an atmosphere of communication early in this relationship. I understand how important all of these issues are in a successful marriage, and I really want to do things right with this guy. Any and all advice is very much appreciated.

I found a lot to empathize with in your post. My wife came from a similar background, and I asked myself several of the same questions you have been. <P>I think the fact that you are aware of these issues, prepared to think honestly about them, and are working on ways to deal with them before you commit to a marriage speaks well of your maturity level and of your chances of making a success of a marriage. <P>It does sound like your boyfriend is beginning to learn to deal with his background without reacting against it. You mentioned that as he moved away to university, he has quit smoking, learned to drink in a more adult pattern, and can even separate out his commitment to Christ from problems with the way your prospective in-laws treat their faith. <P>What has triggered these changes in your boyfriend is probably as much him learning to live independently as it is his relationship with you. You are unfortunately likely to be correct that his parents MAY fix on you as the "cause" of the changes in his life. To be honest, you may even be the major reason for his growing maturity. Whether or not this is a bad thing I would suspect depends on how rigid the person is who is making the judgement. I wouldn't sweat it.<P>My in-laws are and were (my father-in-law has died since our marriage) very rigid people, who reacted to things and persons different from themselves in a not terribly understanding way, and in some cases blamed me (I am a non-Catholic Christian; my wife was raised Catholic) for what they saw as negative changes in my wife. Dealing with this was a struggle for many years. I don't know how successful you could term my plan of action, but I was able to maintain a polite relationship with both of them, and all I really cared about was my wife and her feelings. That I have kept, so it's all good. <P>As to your specific questions: <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>1. How do I present myself to them in a way that is true to myself (e.g., I think that my boyfriend's efforts to become more independent are a good thing, I like rock music, I like action films, etc - all things that his parents would disapprove of, but are a part of me), without making them hate me? I don't want to act like someone I'm not, and then marry him and either have to lie forever or have it fall apart and be a big problem later on.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> For what it's worth, I have found that people with rigid personalities tend to interpret silence as agreement. I found very often that once my father-in-law got going on something I found to be petty or stupid, I could simply let him run out and then direct the conversation to other topics. I didn't have to say that I thought he was right, just let him assume what he liked and see if I could come up with something else to discuss that we could agree on. Basic rule of thumb was to avoid religion, politics, and money, and stick to tried-and-true topics like what it was like to raise my wife, sports, other members of the family (grandchildren, if any, are a sure thing), and 'safe' topics. I found this was less exhausting than arguing with someone who was, frankly, not ready to consider another point of view. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> 2. In the long run, is it better to compromise when they have problems with this relationship, or would it be better to stand our ground when arguments arise? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Pick your fights. There were a lot of things that annoyed and bored me about my in-laws. These I tried to ignore. There were some other questions that were much more important. <P>My father-in-law, and to a lesser extent my mother-in-law, had some ideas that were, in my opinion, blatantly and offensively racist. He, I, and my wife are all white. My wife and I have two children, both adopted, and both non-white. The occasion on which my wife and I informed them that we were adopting from another country was one of the two occasions on which I felt that it was necessary to dig in my heels and neither remain silent nor offer compromise. My wife and I discussed the matter beforehand, and came to an agreement that if we were forced to choose between my in-laws and our children, we were going to choose our children. Knowing that going in made it easier to be clear that we wanted to maintain a polite relationship with my in-laws, but were utterly unyielding on the core issue. <P>So I guess I would amend the advice to 'pick your fights in consultation with your boyfriend'.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> 3. Although Brian (my boyfriend) is becoming very independent-minded and is a very intelligent, fair man, what kind of implications would a family like this have on his qualities as a husband or father?<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Good question. If he continues to grow as you describe him as doing, this is good. Be aware, however, that growth as a father cannot really begin until after you have children. Talking with him (with, not to) will continue nearly always to be a good idea. You may wish to see how he treats other children. Do you have nieces or nephews?<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> 4. How do I avoid a "me vs his parents" situation - something I definitely want to avoid, but may be inevitable if his parents are<BR> really opposed to me?<P> 5. Worst case scenario: they refuse to have anything to do with me. How should I react? <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> These are the same question, but it is really a question for your boyfriend. If his parents force him into a choice, I would recommend him making it clear that he wants to continue the relationship with his parents, and is always open to them. But be as gracious about it as you can. Gloating or bad-mouthing your in-laws is nearly always a bad idea. Your boyfriend loves his parents. Most children do, regardless of how difficult parents make it. This is a good thing. Encourage it. <BR>[/quote] 6. What if they're all right with me, but I plain dislike them? How do I hide it, or deal with it?<BR>[/quote]I would bet this is the most likely outcome. Not an easy issue to deal with. Trust me, I know. <P>Someone has to be the grownup. My own mother gave me some advice once that was very valuable. She said "You don't have to like them. You just have to get along with them". As long as you avoid doing anything that will interfere with your relationship with Brian, you are doing better than most people do. <P>Given your age, I would say you both have time to deal with these issues. If and when you get engaged, I would not set a wedding date for some time. Both of you will continue to grow, and it might be a good idea for your in-laws to see how their son matures under circumstances that are harder to 'blame' on you. It will be easier for them to say "Ever since he got out of school and started working, he just isn't the same nice boy" and accept you, than "It must be that Munchkin. Ever since he married her, he has gone straight to hell." <P>Oops, got to get back to work. I look forward to hearing how things develop for you. God bless you both. <P>Regards,<BR>rs0522