I am 30 and have been married nearly 4 years. This is my 2nd marriage, his first.

Since we were married we have had some tremendous issues. The biggest one is financial - we accumulated a ton of consumer debt that we have just finished rolling in to 2nd mortgages on the two homes we own. He had absolutely no credit when we met - not even one credit card. I had perfect credit, owned my car free & clear & had purchased a house. I added him to my credit cards and we bought a second house together. Now my credit is not so good and both our houses are mortgaged to the hilt. We have tried several times over the years to make a budget, but we have very different views on what "discretionary" expenses are. (for example - is cable tv a necessity? I don't think so, but he does.)

We also have huge differences in our views. He is an athiest - I am a christian. He is a liberal, I am more conservative.

He says I knew his views and goals when we met and now I'm changing my mind. I say we both new each other's views and goals but we didn't date long enough to really see the differences between them.

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: Linndy ]</small>

Linndy---you have some deep issues and my heart goes out to you.

What are some of your needs that are going unmet? Maybe if you spell them out, you will be able to sort through what is priority and what is secondary.

My biggest question is why would you marry someone that has a totally different value system than you? What were the circumstances that made you rush into a marriage so quickly?

Also---his spending 50K is something that alarms me? What does he buy? That is a huge issue that needs to be addressed.

Harley's book GIVE AND TAKE really helped me. It is an eye-opener and if one person is not willing to learn the dynamics of giving and taking, it can destroy the marriage.

Sorry to say, but I think your couselor sees that you are beating a dead horse. I tried for 30 something years to get my H to see what I thought was important for our survival but he never did and after 33 years, he finally admitted he was unwilling to work together on our problems. Your H sounds firm in his way and I am concerned that there is no one that ever said "no" to him. He is certainly doing his own thing with little regard for consequences.

Praying for your search for a counselor,
TW

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What were the circumstances that made you rush into a marriage so quickly? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My first marriage was to a man my parents did not approve of. I then was in a relationship with a much older man that was truly wonderful, but the age difference meant no future.

When my parents met H the first time, my mom called me and said "marry that one". Feeling less than certain in my own choices, incredibly lonely and wanting very much to be in a relationship, I said yes when he asked.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are some of your needs that are going unmet?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My biggest unmet need is the need to feel protected and cared for. My H is a very outgoing, social person. I tend to be shy around new people. We took a trip last summer to his hometown for a reunion, and one of the events was a dinner cruise. We got on that boat, he left to get us drinks and an hour later I was still sitting alone, not knowing anyone. Later I explained to him that in this situation I would have been more comfortable to have been with him so he could introduce me to his friends, try to help keep the conversation going. He thinks I should be able to strike up a conversation with anyone.

Our financial situation also makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. I've explained to him that we are way outside my comfort level, but I don't think he totally understands. Last time I was really upset over finances, he tried to cheer me up by buying a brand new, $400 gas grill. Then he made me feel like a jerk when I wasn't thrilled about the purchase.

I also have a need to at least make it look like I'm a competent housekeeper and a good cook. H has a real problem with getting rid of things - to the point that I think he maybe has an obsessive compulsive disorder. The rooms that he uses are piled to the ceilings with boxes full of his treasures (most of which I view as junk), broken computer parts, etc.
I end up in tears when people show up unannounced when my house is really messy, but he often will "suprise" me with guests. I just feel like he doesn't see how much stress this causes.

As many problems as we have, we are getting along well day-to-day. He is still affectionate - he probably tells me he loves me 20 times a day, and he's always looking at me all googly-eyed. He sends me flowers and leaves cards on my pillow and dances with me in the living room. All the stress has really killed my feelings for him.

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: Linndy ]</small>

Well, we have an appointment to see a marriage counselor next Tuesday. Unfortunately, not a counselor who follows the MB principles. H completely disagrees with the MB approach to relationships.

I've never been to marriage counseling before. Do you just lay it all out on the table?

I have never been to marriage counseling before. My WS would never get help of any sort and expected that I would continue to put up with his untreatable disease, alcoholism. I did for many years and he did whatever he wanted with little regard for my feelings, too. He would do what your H does and appease his guilt with extravagant gifts that we could not afford and I reacted the same way you did....

When a wife is in the distress you are in and the husband will not do what is necessary for understanding the conflict, it can be impossible to work on the M.

Focus on yourself right now and how to gain understanding of your situation. You are not crazy for feeling the way you do....your H behavior is very destructive (overspending, unwilling to look at himself, not getting treatment of ADD). My WS also was great to be with, kind and considerate when we were together but once he left the house I never knew where he was or what he was doing. He was not always doing things that would help deepen our relationship or contribute to our well-being as a married couple. He was hard working and responsible that way but did not have a clue about marriage.

Try posting on Gen Ques II. I know there is alot of wisdom on this forum and Harley's principles are good.

TW

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: tossedwave ]</small>