It has been several months since I've posted. I have lurked for a while. I began therapy (IC) for my depression in October 2002, when I first began to post here. I've come a long way, and so had my marriage. Short summary: no affairs, but a distance between us that was like the Grand Canyon, like an affair waiting to happen. He works 70-80 hrs. per week and didn't have time for us. I worked full time also, then came home to my 2nd shift of mommy ... He was telling me that he was almost out the door, because all I did was complain. Well, I began therapy and realized I was clinincally depressed, began meds, and began working on myself (had no self esteem, due to a childhood of emotional abuse). I've come a long way, I'm now even telecommuting from home!!! And able to be with the kids during the day (not pay for daycare) and work at night. H had reduced his days to 5 days per week, and off weekends (still works from 5am - 9pm but it was better).
I have still felt neglected, however, as with 3 kids it's hard to take time out for each other.
I've been crying all the time again, and yesterday really blew up (crying, complaining, I was angry, not yelling but just sad and angry ALL day, like I used to get - and it would make him want to walk away). I haven't done that in so long, I've cried but always always pulled myself up in the last few months. I pushed him to talk, the big no no the 'relationship talk' and interrogation of 'where we're headed and are you happy?' Why do I do this??? He is a good man, and I am making him miserable. His last words to me were I worry about your sanity. Then the worst point we've ever gotten to happened: He looked like he had seen 'the light' and he said, "you've never loved me, I just figured it out, and I've given you everything, I've loved you with all my soul, but you never LOVED me, you just needed me, and you still need me and you're scared and crying because I am the problem - I cause you pain, I am the reason you are sad in your life. When I'm not there, you're happy, when I am here we fight, you cry - you don't love me."

I don't understand, we have been together for 10 years and he now tells me I don't love him. They're not just words, he actually began to cry, and had to go to the bathroom so I wouldn't see, this is a man who has NEVER cried in his life!!!! He really beleives that I do not love him, and that he is the cause of my depression. No reasoning can be done here, as he's tired of my 'talk'. I've read over and over all the MB literature, and my nagging, crying and begging was a MAJOR LB, but it was as though I couldn't stop. After he told me I had no love, it was like a spiral down, down, down, and now I feel numb. Like our whole marriage, kids, and family is a lie. Well, at least that's how he feels. I am afraid he is going to leave us..... That doesn't scare me as much as him not feeling my love, where did I go wrong all this time that he has no idea how much I love?????

Please help me, I am desparate..... I do know that none of us has been through an affair, but this pain is so deep, I can use all the advise as what to do next, and where to go from here.

Hi Christine,

I wanted you to know that I am here, and I know how the pain feels. I too - have been depressed over the Mom responsibilities and the work responsibilities, and the loss of my marriage - seperated 20 months from the love of my life... at least I thought... because of hectic work stress, etc.

I hate it!

Anyway, wanted you to know you are heard.

Try the book His Needs/ Her Needs, also try the questionairres about emotional needs on this website.

Have to go work in my yard.

Hugs and Hope, Honey

Hello,

I am the mom of a recently divorced BS son. I am sorry for your sadness. I want to let you know that someone hears you.

Am I understanding you to say that you really DO love your husband? If so, there are some things to do immediately.

Make an appointment with a counselor tomorrow. Tell your H, and work on getting him to go with you. Go alone if he won't.

Make an appointment with your doctor to discuss adjustment of your medication. Maybe one of the newer meds will help. (I have had depression off and on for most of my adult life and have been on several different meds. I think it is one of those genetic things as there is no particular reason for it. I've come to terms with needing meds for the rest of my life. With the right one, I'm fine.)

Think about the old saying, "People hear what you say, but they believe what you do." This is your immediate challenge. You have to behave in ways that your H interprets as love. That means that you have to sit down with him tonight. Tell him emphatically how important he is to you. Tell him that you have sincere regrets about how your behavior had made him feel. Explain again what depression does to the person who has it, that it takes over a person's true feelings, that you are so sorry that he feels unloved because it is not true. Ask him what he needs form you to feel loved. Then begin to do those things even if you do not feel like it yet because of the depression.

Do you think he will be willing to read about depression or go to a support group? There are books he could read.

Now is the time for you to lay everything out for H. This is crisis time for your M. To review (can you tell that I am a teacher <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), express your love and that you do need him, but in a deep emotional way - not just the material way he thinks. Tell him you know you need medical help and will get it. Ask him to help you in your recovery. Ask him to make you a list of five things that love "looks like" to him. In other words, "If you loved me , you would........" Then, you MUST begin to behave in the ways that say LOVE to HIM.

I have included a link to a really great book, The Five Love Languages , by Gary Chapman. It's main premise is that people do not interpret love signals in the same ways. Some need words; some need deeds; some need gifts; some need acts of service, some need touch, etc. Actions that say love to one person are not interpreted that way by another. Things that make me feel love and therefore what I do for others to make them feel loved, may not be THEIR love language. Even though they really are loved, they don't feel that they are because they don't "speak" that love language.

Let me know how it goes. I care about what happens and understand something about how you are feeling. This needs to be taken care of now before H actually does leave.

Take care,
Estes

Five Love Languages

<small>[ May 26, 2003, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</small>

Here is a book that might be helpful to your H. You can read more about it on Amazon.com.

Estes


When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself
by Laura Epstein Rosen, Xavier F. Amador (Contributor)

<small>[ May 26, 2003, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>Hi Christine,

I wanted you to know that I am here, and I know how the pain feels. I too - have been depressed over the Mom responsibilities and the work responsibilities, and the loss of my marriage - seperated 20 months from the love of my life... at least I thought... because of hectic work stress, etc.

I hate it!

Anyway, wanted you to know you are heard.

Try the book His Needs/ Her Needs, also try the questionairres about emotional needs on this website.

Have to go work in my yard.

Hugs and Hope, Honey</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you so much for caring. I am crying right now just knowing that someone cares. I do not have many friends, and my mother and sister are my 'support group' but have so many issues of their own...therefore I tend not to talk to them. I am ordering His Needs/ Her Needs....and will do anything to show my love.... I do not want to lose him, he doesn't know (as I haven't shown it) that he is the love of my life.... It hurt me that he actually shed tears (he has NEVER cried in his life!!!!) thinking that I did not love him and that he was the cause of my pain.... I pray to GOD that I can turn that around, before he leaves... Thank you for caring!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Estes49:
<strong>Hello,

I am the mom of a recently divorced BS son. I am sorry for your sadness. I want to let you know that someone hears you.

Am I understanding you to say that you really DO love your husband? If so, there are some things to do immediately.

Make an appointment with a counselor tomorrow. Tell your H, and work on getting him to go with you. Go alone if he won't. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you so much, it really helps that someone cares! I love him so much, from the day we met, to this day he has been the love that has never let me down, that I have never questioned his love for me.....I love him so deeply as my husband, my best friend, my love, and our three children's loving father... He is everything and I've done a very poor job showing it. I have been going to counseling, but stopped, and thought I was 'strong enough' to do it alone, HA, I wasn't ..... I've been clinically depressed since I was a teen, this isn't new, I guess I thought I had beaten it.... I had a few major panic attacks, and crying spells and a big spiraling down depression. Yes, I think my meds must, again, be changed...... that is so scary to rely on them, but as I know, without them I haven't survived well.....

He knows all about my depression, but somehow just yesterday got it into his head that he is the cause, that he makes me sad, causes me pain (as I complain alot) and that I would be better off without him. He thinks that he is not enough for me. This thought of his made him cry, I've never seen him shed a tear, and it tore my heart..... How could I have made him feel so bad..... I want to SHOW him, rebuild his trust, his love and his trust in MY LOVE, which is deeper than he will ever beleive.....

Yes, it is crisis time, I can see it in his eyes, he has no qualms about divorce, if he doesn't think he makes me happy (he's said it before) he is not going to stick around.... So the combination of my depression plus our problems makes him think that it is his fault at this point. Yes, I MUST behave in ways that spell out my love to him, not the immature, crying begging and pleading of the past 2 days. I must give him some space. I did tell him that I was going back to counseling, that I was getting help, and that I was going to prove that I DO love him, if he will give me a chance. I know he heard me, he just said he doesn't have an answer..... He doesn't want to talk about it anymore, he wants me to leave him alone..... I can't push him anymore. I doubt that he would read about depression, as he is one of those people who don't beleive in 'counseling' and 'therapy' and says that if people want something bad enough they can do it. That's not to say he wasn't happy when I was in therapy, because he was seeing some positive changes, and told me that for some people it is great, just not for him (he's too cynical and set in his ways...).

Yes, you are right, it must be taken care of NOW, I'm reading alot this evening, have ordered some books, and will be making my therapy appt. tomorrow. I just hope that it isn't too late, as in Oct. 2002 when I first started therapy, I had one of these 2 day long panic festivals that got him to the point of packing his bags. The only thing that stopped him was me leaving work to see our priest, go to a 2 hour counseling session, and telling him that he was free to go but that here is what I have done... and what I want to accomplish, and that I love him and i want to love myself (I have self esteem issues) so that I can fully give him my love. I did great, then just go worse. Now we're back at step one, and he's pretty much fed up with it and scared..... can I blame him? no, but I am going to give it the best shot to get help, and to save and rebuild what we have...... Thank yo so much for caring and taking the time out to be kind to give me your advise.

I will be keeping good thoughts for you, for your healing and your marriage. Keep posting here if it helps. There will be more people to talk to after the holiday.

{{HUGS}} Those panic attacks are devastating. Been there, unfortunately, but when the antidepressants are working right, they go away.

Let us know how you progress.
Estes

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Estes49:
<strong>I will be keeping good thoughts for you, for your healing and your marriage. Keep posting here if it helps. There will be more people to talk to after the holiday.

{{HUGS}} Those panic attacks are devastating. Been there, unfortunately, but when the antidepressants are working right, they go away.

Let us know how you progress.
Estes</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you so much! I think the panic attack has ended. Alot of talking myself down, and long walks, silence and being along with my thoughts really helped today. I am going to make an ASAP appt. to see if the meds can be changed (I'm on Lexapro and it isn't really doing much at all!). I am sorry to hear that you have expirenced panic attacks, they are so debilitating. I had a calm talk (me doing the talking) with H, and explained how sorry I was, and that I was going to get more help, and didn't 'ask' for anything - just kind of cleared my thoughts by telling him how sorry I was and that I wanted to show him that this is not the 'real me'..... He did listen (progress) and said that he hoped I was right (that things would change). I then (wow, progress again) kissed him on the cheek, hugged him (without crying or pleading WOW) and told him goodnight. Came downstairs, as I work nights on my computer writing reports (I work from home as an analyst/telecommute, do my work at night)... Thank you for caring, and talking me through this.....the advise sure has helped me to 'calm down'....