Well folks, I recently discovered it’s going to take a lot more time before I’m ready to move on and forget my EX than I thought. I’ve been having a lot less contact with her since she moved, just when I pick the kids up.

Since we don’t talk anymore, it’s been better, but she offered me coffee & wanted to talk the last time I was picking the kids up. Seems they’re never ready to come to me, and there’s always a delay getting clothes packed, and the like. Next time I’ll just leave and tell her to get them ready before I’m back. She wants to have a conversation, and then I’m right back there, longing for her again. The old feelings are still there. Thought they were gone. Guess I’ll have to accept that I’ll always have some old feelings, just live with them, and in time they’ll get less and less, and eventually I’ll forget I had them.

So how do you guys deal with this stuff? Is it still hard sometimes to forget that you were once so close? Do you still see mental pictures of how it could be / could have been?
Let me know.

muzohead

Well Muzo... I understand the feelings that you feel about 'How things could/should have been'. However, any sort of conversation about my boys that incurrs more than a couple minutes of time invariably ends up resulting in one or more of her blaming/"not me"/lack of responsibility behaviors and therefore I am constantly being pushed farther and farther away. I see on a weekly basis at a minimum the same behaviors that occurred over the last 14 years that I put up with, and refuse to ever have in my life again. So, on the one hand, I have to innumerably relive the same things, however each and every time I do, I feel it a little less intensely and see why this all happening is really better than how I had been living.

I know that it might sound like sour grapes, but I didn't realize just what I was putting up with, until I didn't have to deal with it on a daily basis. Until I was able to detach myself far enough from her to see her lack of responsibility, her lack of trustworthiness, her lack of regard for anyone other than herself.

Now, I am almost constantly reminded of these things. She has gotten better however. She doesn't attack EVERYTIME we talk any longer. The funny thing is, I truly believe that she still does it out of anger at herself. I think she realized that she really screwed up her life and her family, but was and is not willing to admit it was due to her choices. It was always, and probably will always be, me that ruled every action she ever made. At least until there is someone else to blame. But I bet her lot in life will primarily be because of me, even then.

But Muzo, I absolutely understand about being around her. However, most of the time I hear such hipocritical thoughts coming from her that it is hard to even be around her, but completely impossible to look at her. I hear her say, "I told 'our son' that he shouldn't lie. That he has to have morals. That he needs to think of others instead of only himself." It is these times that allow me to see that the person that I was married to was only married to herself. She is so narcissistic and completely unable to see that her very own actions are the ones that she is upset about in our son. But it allows me to separate myself further from her.

I do have a tough time when at her house, (our old house) however. I see all the things that I did on the house. I see all the things that need fixing. It hurts to be there, and I refuse to be there for more than a few minutes. I never go further than just inside the door. It hurts too much. But I realize that what hurts is my longing for my family. NOT HER.

It sounds like you do not have the constant reminder of selfishness that I have. That you don't have the constant pushing away and blaming that I have. OR perhaps, you are correct and it is just going to take more time for you to get to a place that allows you to deal with her in a new way.

All I can say is that "how you allow yourself to look at her", and also "how you allow yourself to 'think' about things" really does make a difference. If you go there and just say to yourself over and over again, "It didn't have to be this way. It could have been so good. If only... If you would only..." You are allowing yourself to perpetuate your pain. You have to stop the thoughts that lead to the feelings. For your own good, because there is nothing more. There is only how you deal with it from this point on. If you live in the past, you are doomed to live with the feelings of the past.

My recommendations are to ask her to ensure that the kids are ready to go at the time you are supposed to pick them up. Often one way I ensure this is to call while on my way to pick them up. I call about 10 or 15 minutes before I get there and tell her I am on my way, will she please make sure they have their stuff ready. This helps alot. I also actively try to stop those destructive thoughts of "If only....". They have never helped anything in the last year and a half, but have surely hurt me countless times.

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 05:50 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

I have only been sep. 3 months and it's a roller coaster ride for sure. I see what she's doing to me and the kids and I get sort of angry and lose feelings. Have friendly conversation on phone or even see her and here it come's again. I know she is definatly the one God made for me and I will stay in there for the long haul. Call me a fool or niave but that's just how I feel.