Hi, I'm Mike and I may soon become a divorced man. Sorry...it's my first posting and this site and the new feelings I've been experiencing over the past few days are getting the better of me. If I may emotionally vent...

Until last Thursday I thought that my wife and I had the entire package. We've always said (and demonstrated through our actions) that we are best friends; we enjoy being together as much as possible, love our four beautiful daughters, and had a great sex life.

Then she told me in an obviously emotional moment last week that while she still loves me, that while I'm still her best friend, that while she doesn't want either of us to move out of our home and give up all of that...that she just doesn't have the same "type of feeling" for me that she once did. She indicated she'd been harboring these emotions for some time and they had been eating her up; she says she knows what a wonderful life and marriage she has, so she'd just hoped she'd get over them. She says there's no other man involved, that she couldn't even imagine another man, and for what it's worth I believe her.

I told her yesterday that as far as I was concerned we were still married and that I would give her the space she needs to work through her issues and feelings with a counselor (or together is she prefers) until it becomes clearer what it is she really wants. I don't know if this was the correct approach or not; my gut instinct was to run far and fast, but I have four daughters that I love more than anything in this world and I want to be with them for as long as possible. And I love my wife dearly.

I'd also be remiss if I didn't add that some of her feelings may very well stem from a short affair I had 13 years ago. I told her about it right after it happened and ended it immediately...and I've been a better husband for the experience (seeing everything I stood to lose), though I'd take it back in a minute. But I can't. And I've never been able to tell her why it happened...she wasn't to blame in any way; no one could have been more willing to meet my emotional needs. At this point in life she sometimes has (unwarranted) esteem issues that she believes stemmed from my mistake.

I'm sorry, I know I'm likely rambling by this point. Until now I haven't had an opportunity to speak with anyone about this who might understand the miasma I find myself in. Thanks for listening.

Hi AH,

Just wanted to let you know that you've been added to the prayer list at your request. And to tell you, you've come a good place to help you restore your M. If you haven't looked at this site yet please do so. There is lots of material that will help you.

If you have questions, there are plenty of people here that are willing to help you get through this.

Blessings to you and your family.

S&C

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

I can see there are some truly good and caring people on this site...also a lot of negativity.

S&C...Thanks much for your prayers. I want to save my marriage and my wife says she does as well, more than anything. I am making a concerted effort to focus on that and the other positives (my daughters in particular) rather than focusing on what might happen. I would welcome any private message of encouragement you might send (farmer1984@yahoo.com), but I do not think I will be doing further postings. Some (see below) do more harm than good.

BH&BA...While I appreciate the reply, I really don't need that type of insight. I'm a grown, intelligent man who has no illusions regarding what could be. Until my wife gives me a reason not to trust, I will trust.

God bless.

Army Hubby,

I'm sorry you were offended by one of the posters here. I'm sure she didn't intend to offend you. Something similar happened to me the first time I posted a thread - now over 2 years ago - and, like you, I withdrew for a while.

Please don't give up on this forum.

But even more important is to make good use of the basic information on this site.

Click on Concepts at the top of any page and read that information. It is very helpful.

Since none of us here know what is going on in your marriage except for what little you have told us, we can only suggest the most common things.

The most important starting point in improving any marriage relationship is ellimination of Love Busters. The other side of the equation is filling your wife's Emotional Needs. Even without knowing the specific causes of your wife's unhappiness - or her particular situation, doing these things cannot fail to improve your relationship.

From what you wrote, I gather that you were shocked by what your wife told you. You said you felt like running away, so I'm guessing that it was a very painful or embarassing moment for you.

Please tell us more about your thoughts and feelings - the things that made you want to just give up and go.

I hope you'll be back.

-AD (A husband of one wife and one child)

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

I understand. I'll continue to use the site's resources as needed and appreciate the advice.

Take care.

Army Hubby,

I just edited my post above. I didn't realize you already read it. I think we posted at the same time.

-AD

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

I can honestly say that it was like a mule kicking me in the ribs it was such a surprise. My wife and I do literally everything together; we honestly LOVE being together and work to make the time.

So when she tells me a week ago that she felt horrible because she didn't love me the way I love here, it hurt like hell. No indicators, nothing. She said she'd hoped it would go away, that she still thought of me as her best friend, that she couldn't imagine life without me with her, that she didn't want to leave or me to leave until my next assignment in 1 1/2 years (I'm a major in the Army), and that even then she would go where I went so I could be with our girls...I know, not very realistic.

So where are we? She said she'd like to get counseling and try to work through this. She's got an appointment Friday at 8:00 a.m. Knock on wood.

What do I want? Damned good question. I want my best friend and lover back. I want to share the rest of our wonderful lives together. I want to be with my girls. I hope and pray that some counseling will lead us down that path. I do not want to pick between living in a marriage that I know I deserve better and losing my daughters I love so much. So as of now I'm giving her the time to work through counseling and applying no pressure.

That's about it. I feel like an alcoholic. One day at a time.

Thanks for the time.

Army Hubby,

First, don't panic. Look at the positives. She says that she still wants to be your best friend. That is certainly a positive. This may just be a temporary problem that you have to work through.

Just for info, when was your most recent assignment away from home - and how long were you gone? How did your wife seem to take that? Did you communicate regularly? How did it seem when you came home?

One of the most important things for most women is time together. Did you read this?

Most people don't understand their own internal emotional workings. So, they won't say "We're not spending enough time together", but rather they will say something like your wife said. In a way, this can work in your favor, because if you can come to some understanding of these things (using the info on this site or from teh books), you can make some changes and your wife won't even realize why she suddenly again feels in love with you.

Don't panic. Don't run. Start working.

-AD

<small>[ May 29, 2003, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

I was in Qatar from September through December of last year...she was crying her eyes out when I left, we talked almost daily by phone, and we had a nice reunion on my return. Other than that, I've been around for the past 3+ years (don't get me started on the 8 years prior to that...Middle East, Europe, Mojave Desert; you name it, I spent WAY too much time there).

And I'm being honest when I say that we really do (at least until the bomb dropped) make time for each other. My job is 26 miles from home, and many days we'd meet halfway just for lunch -- and this isn't in the distant past, but recently. We have "date night" at least once a week, plus lots of nights just decide to go to dinner or a movie. Believe me, not spending time together isn't the problem.

But I do appreciate the encouragment. I've got no blinders on and refuse to think counseling will be the magic solution. All I know is that whatever I need to do short of begging and pleading (which I've found doesn't work so well), I will do. She and my girls are worth the effort.

Thanks again.

Army,

Just wondering how things are going for you. Any news?

-AD

Hi There!

I certainly hope you can work things out. I am pulling for you.

Pick up the book written by Michelle Weiner Davis called the divorce remedy and you should visit her website. One thing I must caution you on (and I don't want to be negative) is I would do some snooping. Davis's book and thru all her counselling says one of the most common phrases
out of the mouth of Wayward spouse is "i love you but i am not IN love with you."--In all of her years she states when she hears this, she almost always thinks a possible EA or PA.

It hopefully isn't you case, but I would do some snooping to see if you two don't have a bigger problem. I wish I had.

Good Luck!

Army Hubby,

Just wanted to let you know youwere on my mind this morning.

S&C

I felt the same as you when I was hit with the news, "out of the blue". I am not trying to be negative but get your ducks in a row. Savings accounts, credit cards, things like that. Hopefully it won't mean anything and you will save your marriage in the long run. Are the two of you separated? Where are your girls staying? I've gone through the same pain you are feeling. You will get through it no matter what the outcome is. Good luck my friend...