I have been married for four years and have recently separated, been separated for a month and a half.
When I met him he smoked marijuana. I also told him that I wanted us to get in church. We did get into church and walked a faithful christian life.
He quit smoking and I was so proud of him. Well, about six months ago after many lies and him hiding it he had started smoking again. I told him that I do not want that apart of my life. He has told me that I do not tell him what to do and has pretty much refused to quit. I am just confused. What do I do? What happened? Right now we still talk but he seems to be ok living apart. What am I not seeing here?

Jeni,

It looks as though you married the person you thought you could make him into rather than the person he was. Thus, unless there was real change in him from his own desire, you have the person that he is and was rather than the person who you thought he could be.

It is hard to say what to do. But I know that unless he wants to change or you are willing to deal with his behavior, neither of you will be happy in your relationship.

sorry you are hurting jenig...

IMHO, you need to find a place of acceptance. You can not MAKE him quit. If this is really something you don't want to live with (I can't blame you) then you have to come to accept that he can not be a part of your life right now (maybe not ever). If he is okay living without you and you are not okay with it, you do not HAVE to live apart and in contact. You can choose to not be a part of his life at all. I think the key is to realize that you are not a victim and you have some choices, you just need to find a place of acceptance. I do this by crying and grieving over the loss and then get up and do things different.

Sorry your here.

jenigirl,

Welcome to MB.

I agree with FC that you can't change your H.

Do you want the "official MB line" on this?

You need to negotiate this with your H - rather than demanding it. Believe me, nobody likes to be told what to do - or not to do - even if they know that it is wrong.

So, the MB way is to say something like "H, I love you, but I have to tell you that it really hurts me that you are smoking weed. I have a hard time respecting a man who does that."

You may have to tell him that more than once, but don't tell him every 10 minutes.

Doing it this way puts the ball in his court. You have let him know that this hurts you, he can choose whether it is more important to him to please himself in this way - than it is to protect you from being hurt.

If you define it simply in terms of right and wrong, I don't think you will get very far with him. Maybe I'm wrong. Of course, I have my own opinion - that MJ is illegal for good reasons - and it is harmful to smoke it. Further, I think it is a needless risk of legal problems for your H and you.

But... you are not the police. You are not the judge. You are his wife and smoking weed matters between the two of you because it affects you - and your relationship with your H. In my opinion, that has to be your focus.

From what little you have told us, I can try to answer your question "what are you not seeing" - that by demanding that he stop you are destroying his love for you. It may seem to you like the right thing to you, but it will inevitably cause him to love you less. Click on the Concepts link at the top of the page and read about Love Busters. I think that might help.

Tell us more about your situation.

Who left?

If he left, was it because he was offended that you told him what to do, or did you force him to leave?

Do you have any kids?

Are your finances together or do you keep separate accounts?

Who calls who?

-AD

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Thank You for the responses.
Maybe I didnt go into enough detail.
I was the one that left.
Our finances are separate.
He has a child from prev. marriage.

I have talked with him about In a very nice way, i have listened to him. I have told him how it hurts me. He smokes everyday and more than once. It changes him drastically. I really feel that he has no idea how serious our situation is. I think his feelings and emotions are masked by smoking. As a last resort, I left. He kept telling me that he would quit and then the next day he would say that he really didnt want to. Honestly, he is acts like a child. Does not take responsibility for much. I love him or I would not be trying to help us. I would help him in anyway i could but he does not think it is a problem and that I have no right to say anything about it. Anyway, in his opinion he has no problem and doesnt have to quit.

I forgot something.......
I guess this is the biggest issue. I am 31 and he is 29, we have been trying to concieve for two years with no luck. He was checked by a dr. and the semen ana came bank with some motility issues. which the dr. told him that smoking marijuana over a long period of time can have a negative effect on it. So besides everything else, shouldnt he care enough to stop so that we can have a baby?

I hear you Jenig

I had a similar problem in that my ex-H had a problem with being faithful. But actually, he did not have a problem - I did. He was completely satisfied and content being with us both. I was not. The only person you can change is you. You have a problem. He does not, he has no problem with him living separately and he has no problem with him smoking pot. IMHO, you must show him what it will be like without you. I suggest a 180 (it is emotionally detaching):

I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope
this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

jenigirl,

Thanks for the extra info.

I dont' thing you are wrong to say that you refuse to live with him when he is smoking pot. I hope I didn't give the opposite impression with my previous post.

I think I agree with some of the things ILNPM posted. You have a lot of leverage. Let him know that you love him and are interested in getting back together if he gets himself straightned out.
Then, make it clear that you can be happy without him, that you are moving forward. That should get his attention.

And maybe I'm out of line here, but I would defer the baby for now.

-AD

jeni-

I am so sorry to read about your situation. If I might ask, why haven't you turned him into the police yet? Or his suppliers? You know the effect it is having on him. What about his child? How is this respecting that child? You know this is wrong and you can't enable this behavior.

It is very difficult to work with spouses involved in addictions. They need to stop the behaviors that are hurting their spouses. I think you need to flat out let him know what the conditions are for moving back in with him and staying married with him. He needs help. How can he hold a job and support his family if the smoking changes him like this? He is risking too much for a few minutes gratification.

I enabled my STBX W to do things that were illegal. No, it wasn't drugs and it didn't involved 'hard' crimes as such but it was against the law just the same. I thought that my STBX W would realize how much I loved her and cared for her by going along with her activity. I was wrong. She could have cared less about my reaction. When I finally did speak up, it only push her away more and made her try to keep more secrets from me.

Try to be as up front with your H as you can be. Let me know what the conditions are for your return to his house. You might want to look at examples of Plan B letters to get an idea of how something like this might be worded even though your situation doesn't necessarily involved a typcial 'cheating' spouse.

Best to you and good luck.

HoFS

Thanks so much you all. (wonderful insight)
AD - lol (when you said that you would defer the baby right now) I totally agree with you. And no you didnt give me the wrong impression, I understood what you were saying.

The conditions that I have is that he realize what he is doing to us by doing that and I also want him to quit for good. I really havent been mean about it but I am starting to loose my patience. I feel like I am waiting around on him to decide if he really wants me or the marijuana. I never thought that he would have trouble making such a decision.
As far as his daughter is concerned (she is 7) I have totally supported this man and helped him. We have been in court for a long time to obtain custody of his daughter (there are very good reasons for his ex not to be a mother) But, now I look at what he is doing and in my mind he does not deserve her either. He has thrown all of that down the drain because to court will not give custody to someone that does drugs.
See, when he quit I made sure he knew how proud I was and how much i loved him but, I also told him that I would not go thru that ever again. In many ways it is the same as alcholism only you drink one and smoke the other. It does have a bad effect on family and everyone around, it is like that is all he lives for, he makes sure he never runs out, etc.
You know I have almost wished that he would get caught with it (thinking that would really wake him up ) but, in all reality i dont think it would do any good. I really want to know in my heart that I tried everything possible.

Jeni,

I am sorry, but I can't believe what I read in your post. You are telling us that he is addicted to pot. That he refuses to change. That this is the type of person that he is.

But then you say " shouldnt he care enough to stop so that we can have a baby

NO, for crying out loud NO !!!!

He shouldn't bring ANYONE into this world when he has this propensity. He already has a child and this has done NOTHING to change him to the point that he stopped.

Jenigirl... You need to get a grip lady. I hate to be like this, but reread what you are saying. I know that you want him to stop. That is obvious. But are you really serious that you would have a child with this man after this? I mean how long should he stop for? 1 week, 1 month, 1 year??? How long before you think that he is a responsible person? Perhaps in the long term future, he could prove his value as a father, but I fear that he has already shown that he is nothing and no one that should have the ability to procreate. God works in mysterious ways... perhaps he is working overtime on your husband's ability to reproduce.

Sorry about this message Jeni, I am not usually so forward, but I believe that you are just a foggy about some things as he.

Formerly Confused.....

I really appreciate your honesty. realy I do.
But, I am not wanting children with him period. I really thought that if wanted a family that he would quit and quit for good.
I guess I just really dont understand what to do. At this time I cannot stand him or his actions. He has told me over and over that he was done with the smoking and he never quits.
It seems that everyone has a different opinion about all of this, some people have told me that I had no right to leave him because of this. and others have said that I have done the right thing.
The way I see it, is that his smoking affects us and not just him.
Right now I am living by myself (i thought that would wake him up) I have told him that we will not be together unless he quits. It has been close to two months and one he says that I cannot tell him what to do and the next day he says that he is ready to quit. He told me a week ago that he was done with it and he has smoked at least once a day since then. So at least I can say that I tried everything I knew of to save my marriage.