This is my first post please be patient.<P>My wife and I have been married for 10 years. In the past year I have had an affair with another woman. We have talked via email and phone. We have meet twice and have had sexual encounters, The first encounter really tore me up. I hated myself for doing it.I hated the fact that I had done this to my myself,family and my loving Wife. Then about a month later my wife found out that I had the affair and we almost seperated but we were able to work it out.<BR>Almost a year later Me and the woman that I was having an affair with meet a second time in a remote place and had a sexual encounter again. This time we decided to tape it. Again I couldn't stand myself for the fact that I did this. So I hide the tape and was going to destroy it. Before I could destroy it my wife found it and watched it. We have had our problems in the past but most of it has been on my cause. I love my wife very much and greatly regret ever doing this to her. We are now in the process of getting seperated. We are still living in the same house but in different rooms. We have two lovely children together. I do not want our marriage to end. I still love her very very much. I have told her that I love her but she doesn't beleive me and thinks that I just want to stay for the children. I want to change our relationship. I want us to work this situation out, But I don't know how to go about it.<BR>My wifes dad left her mother for another woman when she was little and he was not around very often. Her mother doesn't like me and has never has. My wife has been going over their everyday this week for suppoort I suppose. I am sure that her mother is telling her to leave me.<P>I really need suggestion on what I can do to regain her love and trust for me. I know that it will take time for the pain to heil, But I don't want to lose her.<P>Thanks for your Help

Hi MarkC,<P>I think you should post this over in the infidelity section, specifically in General Questions. You will get a lot of responses there from people who have similar problems. Personally, I am in the same position as your wife, as my husband had an affair that sounds eerily like yours. The first time was in July of 1999. The second time was in August of 2000. I haven't yet figured out how to fully get over this, but I am doing a much better job of accepting what has happened and surviving the pain and disappointment. My initial reaction was to believe our marriage was over, but we decided to try to save our marriage and are actively working on it.<P>I will tell you that the damage done by repeating the affair after your wife had forgiven you and recommitted to your marriage is much worse than it was the first time. You will need to fully committ yourself to taking responsibility for your actions and you will have to put your WIFE first. That means consider her feelings before your own, and do anything (within reason) that she asks you to do to help her through this.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

Peppermint,<P>Thanks for responding, Well as of lastnight we have seperated. Not that I wanted to but as she requested. I didn't want to leave but she asked me to and I did as she requested. I know that she needs the time away from me to deal with with the situation. But I don't want to lose her. She is a wonderful woman and mother to our children and I have done her wrong and I strongly regret what I have done to her. I know that what I have done to her was Very wrong and hate myself for putting her through all this pain. I just hope that we can pull through this together and become better friends and a family again. I know that time is a major factor and it will take time for us to heal the pain that I have caused. I know that she wants me away for now I just hope that I have completely lost her. I hate being away from her and not being able to talk to her and support her.<P>I just hope that she listens to me and her heart, and not to her negatitive family towards me. I know that he it will be hard for her, but I guess that this will be the real truth if she wants me in her life again.<P><BR>I purchased a couple books this weekend and read one of them from cover to cover. I have learned alot from them and hope that I can regain her trust and love again. I just wished that I had gotten them the first time that I had done this. This first time that this occured I didn't want to talk about it, and we didn't but I think that was a mistake on both of us.<P>I hope that you and your husband can work things out. If he loves you and really wants you back in his life he will do whatever it takes to win your trust and love back. If he is feeling the pain that I feel for doing this to the woman that he loves then he will do what it takes.<P>I wish you well in your relationship and hope that you both make the right discission.<P>MarkC <P>

Hi MarkC,<BR>I feel for your wife and hope that somehow she doesn't lose herself in the hurt feelings and anger she must be feeling which I can only imagine will be hard to ever overcome but I also feel for you in that it seems like you may be sincere in your feelings for your wife;like you're sorry but how could you be so weak and put yourself in a situation that would temp you and could destroy your family? How?<BR>May I suggest counseling for yourself to help you get thru this & be able to be there more for your wife when she wants you too and when she is ready & hopefully willing, get marital counseling. Also you need to CLEARLY "search" within youself, I'd think, to make sure this "other" woman is totally out of your life and truly of the PAST, physically and mentally.Get rid of any signs or ways that would prove her ever existing, to nver entertain as if your life depended on it(which it does). You must acknowledge your weakness and redevelop you moral values and ethics about your marriage between you and your wife, to make sure that "your actions speak just as loud as your words" so your wife may see your true sincereity, honesty, humbleness and that you are really sorry and that you won't deceive her ever again. Also pray what's in your heart, that it will be revealed to your wife,etc.<BR>I'm glad you got some literature that may appear to be helpful and wish you and your wife much luck and strength on both your parts especially for the kids sake. God bless

kembersmom,<P>Thanks for you response,<BR>I hope that she doesn't lose herself aswell from the pain that I have caused her. Well the OW is truly out of my life now, as I have told her that I don't want to ever hear from her again. Even if my wife and I are not able to work things out. I will know deep down that I have tried my best to save our marriage, even though I was wrong in the first place to ever even considering what I have done.<BR>Thanks again for you thought and prayers.<P>MarkC

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MarkC:<BR><B>kembersmom,<P>Thanks for you response,<BR>I hope that she doesn't lose herself aswell from the pain that I have caused her. Well the OW is truly out of my life now, as I have told her that I don't want to ever hear from her again. Even if my wife and I are not able to work things out. I will know deep down that I have tried my best to save our marriage, even though I was wrong in the first place to ever even considering what I have done.<BR>Thanks again for you thought and prayers.<P>MarkC</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>MarkC,<BR>That's all you can do; know and do everything humanly possible that you can do to save the marriage, don't give up if you know there is more you can do to save your marriage & the rest will be up to prayer,patience, strentgh and your wife.<BR>Best wishes regardless of the outcome,sincerely & respectfully,<BR>Kember's mom

Kembersmom,<P>I know that I need to tell her that the OW is out of my life for good and forever, any suggestion on how I can do this and have her beleive me?<P>I know that time is a major factor in the healing process, but I want to be with her now and prove to her that I am honestly going to do what I can to prove my love for her. any suggestion on how I can still approach her without being to pushy on her to trust me again? I want her to be happy again.<P>Thanks again

[QUOTE]Originally posted by MarkC:<BR>[b]Kembersmom,<P><BR>I don't know really. I'm sitting here wondering "what if" I were in her shoes and what could my husband do for me to believe the OW is trufully out of the picture. Other than say it a couple of times (since she thought that was the case last time),maybe you can "help her out" by saying you'll spend time with the kids, making more time for the kids and give her a "break" or "breather". Make her feel like she is the "queen of your life" again,that you value her and her role in your life and to the family, acknowledging how important her job of caring for the children is and how well she does this job that you will help her by taking the "kids off her hands" for a while, for a couple of hours (it's a start anyway). Let her see that you have more time on your hands for your family;your kids and really let her know she is "in control" of the relationship and that you are "open to whatever" she suggest should be done or is to be done. let her see a change in your actions or involvement in family activities and she can depend on you with schedules of picking up the children etc. and that you word in those instances are "gold"(it's a start). Because I bet she feels out of control; that she wasn't able to stop you from(which is not her responsibility) still going out to do what you did that eneviably affected the relationship, as if her words, her love, her forgiveness, her trusting you after the first time was not enough to keep you faithful to her and the marriage forever. I'd think she'd want to feel back in control and "safe" again. I think leaving you(or you leaving) was the first step and then letting you know that what you did is not "tolerable and disrespecting her" is not tolerable. Because ultimatley what you did was disrepect her; direspecting who she is as a woman,as a mother, as a person and you disrespected and discounted the commitment to marriage when you did that. Ya know what I mean? I'm not trying to make you feel any more guilty than you already feel becuase I commend you for even sharing this with MB, but just trying to give you an idea what she may be feeling and give you some things to think about, respectfully.<BR>But sorry I don't know how exactly you can make her honestly believe the OW or any other woman for that matter,is totally "out of the picture" or out of your system. TRUST is the hardest thing, I'd think to regain,especially since that is what marriage is mostly based on. Yes, you have a "hard job" ahead of you if you want to repair your marriage & for her to trust you again. But of course you know that <p>[This message has been edited by kembersmom (edited June 04, 2001).]

I couldn't stand it no more I had to see her.So I went back to the house and did some mowing. I was hopeing that we could spend more time together but I guess she didn't want to talk. She did though thank me for coming and taking care of the Yard. She left about an hour after I got their. God did it kill me to see her go. I finished up mowing and took a shower and I couldn't stand it I had to talk to someone. I went and talk to a Preacher friend of her family. He was real supportive and told me that I have a lot of work cut out for me and to pray, and not let the Devil put negatitive thought in my head. I talked to her this morning and she said that she was up all night and wasn't able to sleep. I was so glad to hear her voice. But she sounded so negatitive and Hurt, I wanted to be their with her and hold her to help her make it though all the pain that she is going through.<BR>Since talking to her, I can't do any work. All I can think about is the pain that I have cause her and the thought of losing her forever. Should I try and move back in so I can hold her during this pain and be their for her or should I stay away and let the Lord comfront her?<P>Thanks<BR>MarkC

Well I guess lastnight really hit her... I went their again today and brought her a dozen roses and she didn't want them. She told me that she was just going to throw them away. You talk about pain that it did to me. She told me that it was over and the rest of my stuff was packed and to get it. I told her that I didn't want it right now. Then I told her that I wanted to make her happy again forever. She don't beleive me. I told her that I was going to go to consouling even if she didn't go. She was hurting inside so bad, I went to hold her and she pushed me away. I let go knowing that she didn't want me next to her. She said for me to leave her alone that she needed her space so I told her that I was going to leave then. I called for my daughters and gave them a kiss and told them that daddy would see them later, and for them to be good for their mother. She was hurting so bad and I want to be with her so bad so I can help heil the pain. I pray that the good Lord will help us thru this and forgive me of my Sins and return us to a happy family again.<P>Thanks for listening.

Talked to her on saturday night about coming over on sunday. I told her that I have been thinking about why all of this has occured. Before I could get it out she told me that she has been thinking to and Described my thought Verbatium.<P>I went to our House on sunday to see her and our Girls. Got their around 9:30 am and cleaned up the Yard. Spent most of the afternoon playing with the Her and the Girls. Everything seemed to be going good. We talked about stuff that needs to get done around the house. I helped her do some laundry and getting the girls ready for bed.<P>It came time to go and I didn't plan on staying the night. I told my oldest that I was going and would see her tomorrow. Told her that I didn't want to go but I had to.<BR>I went to tell my youngest that I was going aswell (she is 3). I stopped my wife and gave her a hug and told her that I love her. I went back to my youngest daughter and gave her another kiss and told my wife that I love her again. My youngest daughter asked my wife as I was walking away if she loved me and she said no. I over heard this and went back to where they were at and asked what she just said, My youngest daughter told me that mommy told her that she didn't love me. I told her that she should be telling her that and she said "well you don't want me to lie to her do you?" then I looked her in the eyes and said "Do you love me?" her reply was I don't know. I told her that I want us to work this out. She said that she knows but inst for sure if she does. Then I left in tears.<P>I don't know what to do!!! I have counseling set up for Wednesday for me. I have told her about it and have asked if she will go with me. Still no reply.<P>Am I pushing her to fast? Is this just a test from her to see if I really do care and love her?? <BR>Should I just go on with out her in my life? I am so confused right now. I don't want to lose the woman that I love. But I think that I have already have.... The OW is gone forever and I don't want hear from her ever.<BR>Please give me your thoughts..<P>MarkC<BR><p>[This message has been edited by MarkC (edited June 11, 2001).]

Yesterday, spent most of the day with the family at a school function. We left about noon and then she went home to the house and I went to my Temp home ( a Friends house) untill about 4 pm then we all went swimming. Everything seem to be going ok. Came time to go and she was going to MY nephews graduation. I asked her if she minded if I went with them and she said "I don't think that mom and her sister would like to see me" For some reason they were going!! so I decided not to go and start any trouble. This morning I called the house to make sure that she got home ok and talk to her a little. She wasn't their. I started have bad thoughts like in a car wreck or something. I started panicing and called her cell phone, No answer. I was so worrried. So I decided to call her mothers house to see if she stayed their. Talked to her mother and she said they were just leaving to take my oldest daughter to school.<BR>I called her cell again and she answered and asked why I was so worried. I told her because I love her and she just said yea ok. Is she still in denial? I don't want to give up but I don't know how long I can take this anymore.<BR>I can't work, sleep, eat. Please help and give me some advise.

Just hang in there because you know it's what you want to do and naturally it's going to take a while for her to trust and open up to you, even a while for her to let your words sink in because she is hurting and I'm sure confused too but also has the girls to keep her preoccupied. Your counselor will be a great help I'm sure. But give her time & space you may not want to force outings and quality time as much since it seems to hurt both of you in the end. Keep a journal, that may help you to get all those feelings out and let your wife know that you are close by & there when she needs you. Hang in there, you'll know when there is no hope and when there is nothing else you can do, meantime focus on your girls and spend time with them,let her see you thru the interaction with your children. Hope these ideas help.<P>krissmom

I went to counseling on wednsday. I asked her to join me and she dinied, saying that she wasn't ready to go thru thearapy with me. After counseling something was telling me where they were. So I went over to the pool and they were their. I went inside to see them and she said that I don't need to be stalking her, and If she was ever to take me back it would be a long time from now. I told her that I wasn't Stalking her and that I just wanted to see them. I stayed for about an hour with them and things were good. Gosh how it hurts to see her drive away. How long should I wait untill I ask her to reconcile and start with plan A?? I bought SAA and read half of it yesterday starving for information on how to approach her for us to work on our marriage. I don't want to seem to pushy and push her away but I do want her to know that I am going to do everything possible to save our marriage.<BR>I don't know where to go from here. My days are to long now and my night are to short. I just pray every miniute that I get for God to forgive me and to be over her and help us both through this tragdy that I have caused over the past 1.5 years.<p>[This message has been edited by MarkC (edited June 15, 2001).]

Mark, are both you and your wife Christians? If so, understand some things...First when you had the two affairs, you tore away the sacred bond God created between a husband and wife. When you got married you became ONE in Christ. With that in mind, you must seek God's wisdom for your marriage. He created it and he can heal it. <BR>I've read all yor posts and just the fact that you're venting and seeking help and seeking forgiveness for this is a plus. However, you must understand how your wife feels to a certain degree. All this may get worse before it gets better, but never doubt God's love for you and His faithfulness is undying. Turn all this over to Him in prayer and allow Him to do the work. You've sought repentence and God will forgive you and now it's your wife who needs your prayers. Allow her to set the stage regarding contact with you. But don't stop visiting with your daughters. <BR>God can and will heal your marriage, but you must allow Him full reign to do so.<BR>

Fathers days was great. I went to church and she called me a hipacrit(sp?)for going and not going in the past. Then We Took the children out to have their pictures made and then to chuck E cheeses. We all had a blast. I guess my question is How long should I wait to ask her to reconcile and move back home? I was thinking a month? that to soon? I am living with a friend and she is at the home at my expensive. She is a stay at home mom for the past year, by her choice not mine. Which is ok But I can't afford to keep living like this. Thoughts and comments are welcome and wanted.<BR>MarkC

Well another couple days have past and I can not take being away from her. I want to be with my with so bad that it is killing me. No contact with OW in over 2 weeks, Not even once have I thought of her. I know this is a good sign for me, but how do I get my wife to read SAA and starting plan A when she won't even talk to me. almost 4 weeks since she found out and I can't get her to talk about it. I don't want to lose the woman that I love.... I want to hold her and let her know that I am sorry for what I have done. Second counseling session today for me. I am praying that she will show up. But I don't think that she will. I know that she is getting alot of Negatitive feedback from her side of the family and I hope that she can react on her own.<BR>My days and night are filled with emptyness without her. I pray everynight for her to forgive me and to give our relationship another chance. I have read alot of post on here and and trying to follow some of them. I am just so lost right now that it is driving me insane. I am still not able to eat,sleep or even think at work. I have lost 20 lbs since she found out and fill like my brain is dead. I hope that I can get her to read SAA and start plan A. I will do anything to save our marriage. I just don't know what I will do without her. That might sound stupid but that is how I feel.<P>MarkC

I support Lynn here and pray for healing in your life<P>In Jesus name<P>Carol<BR>