I have posted in the EN group before but things have changed.

I just found out from phone bills (thanks to the internet) that my W has been lying to me since Jan.
I may have mentioned two hospital visits where W said she had cervical operations after an abnormal pap smear. The family doctor knew nothing about this. I have phone bills with times coinciding with weekends away, calls to this other almost each day. This may be circumstantial evidence but it has convinced me.
Many said after I explained the circumstances 'is she having an affair?' at the time I could not believe it. But now........
She is having an affair, that is 99%.
She has had an abortion, that is 90%
She will not talk to family or friends, that is fact.

How do I attack this?
Do I approcah her with the facts?
Do I ask her for the truth?
Plan B when she has the kids?

I thought I had failed her, maybe I did, but she has lied, lied & lied about this for 5 months.
She says she wants to stay friends, she says she does not want to hurt me, she says lots except for the truth.

We are separated for 3 months, this affais started before we split. I believe she has had an abortion and is keeping it quiet. Could this be because she is trying to keep the door open? Do I chase the real truth?
I feel like Fox Moulder, the truth is out there somewherebut do I really want to know the truth?

Do I wait for this affair to end and wait with open arms?

I am full of questions. I have read most of the stuff on the MB site, its great in theory how does it work in practice.

I don't have much time to confront her on this.

Please help, any advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Many people are obsessed with the who's, what's, when's, why's, and how's. But I, personally, had a different perspective on things. I had the phone bills with the 90 calls a month. I had the questionable behaviours. I had the "life-style" changes. Basically I had everything I needed to make a decision without the who's, what's, when's, why's, or how's.

In my case we actually filed a day apart so it was irrelivant. But the point I'm making is that knowing more information would of not changed my mind. It may of caused me more pain, but not changed my mind. As with most things the TRUTH finally did come out and it just kept on coming. Information overload as a matter of fact.

Bottom line for me was I didn't need any more information to know that marriage wasn't going to work, do you?

And my final question, can anything "positive" come from confronting her?

I feel for ya. Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Am I obsessed, yes. I can't sleep knowing the woman I pledged my life to has forsaken me.

I want the truth, confronting her may do this.

But... I still love her, Plan B?

From my standpoint, I understand the feeling that you need to confront her.

My wife lied about another affair at the time she left us in July. She denied, denied, denied... But then, of course, I found out, And I wasn't looking for it, I really wanted to believe her. But you know, these things just have a way of falling in your lap. Looking or not. Anyway, I wanted to confront her from the day that I found out, however, I knew that it would not make a difference. The first 3 affairs were hard enough to try to overcome, but I was doing it. Another just made me realize that the person I was married to was not worth me or my family.

I waited until October to confront her, because everytime I would try, she would be going off about something else, and I just kept thinking about how best to help my boys. And stirring the pot with 'facts' would have just sent her over the edge. So I just kept biding my time, until I felt like she could handle the fact that I knew about what type of person she really was, instead of tried to be. I needed to confront her for my own closure. I had been talking about this with my counselor since the week I found out, but also knew that I had to keep my boys in the front of my mind.

I could have ambushed her with the information and really laid into her publicly had I chosen to. But I realized that all that would have done would have been to hurt my boys. I calmly told her one night when I picked up my boys. She went off, again blaming me, of course. But I found some more closure. I knew that her reasons were not really about me, but it was safer to just let her go. I told her I didn't accept responsibility for her actions. But I didn't fight her about it.

I guess what I am saying is that I understand the need to confront her. My personal opinion is that it won't make a difference, and be prepared for all sorts of denial, blaming, and accusing of you. But if you are able to stay calm and just stick to the facts, you might achieve something that will approximate 'good' coming from it. Who knows, the guilt she feels of hiding this might be relieved enough that she is capable of entering into some sort of relationship again. But don't set your hopes up for it.

I would go into it thinking that you are doing this for your own closure and peace of mind, not that you are going to hurt her, nor save her or your marriage. All or none may occur, but you could also cause more problems. Also, you don't necessarily have to do it now. I waited, and it was the best thing I could have done. For myself as well as my boys.

<small>[ May 29, 2003, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Don't I need her to know that I know before I can start a Plan B?

First, I have to point out that this is the Divorced/Divorcing site so any of us (including myself) who have tried to save our marriages (using MB principles or otherwise) have obviously failed to do that or else we wouldn't be here.

If you want to try to save your marriage and/or if you want answers to the question: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...how does it work in practice?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd suggest posting on the GQII (others struggling to use MB principles to save their marriages) or Recovery (success stories) sites. There is also counseling offered through this site with one of the Harleys.

If, on the other hand, as LostHusband suggests, you've decided that you have enough information to know that your marriage isn't going to work, this site is a great place for support!

Good Luck!