I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II but do not believe my marriage is doomed. My H most emphatically does not believe our marriage is doomed. He loves me and really believed the "in sickness and in health, til death do us part" part of our vows.

Yet it is not uncommon that the spouse of a person with mental illness is told what I will call the Doom Mantra (run, hopeless, will never change, will always be this way, leave, give up, MB can't help, etc) when they come here for help. I've heard this mantra in RL too.

So what do you think? Does mental illness doom a marriage?

As long as you are both willing to work on it, your chances are good. Certain personality disorders are not as hopeful though, ie. living with an obsessive-compulsive person, narcissistic personality, schizoid personality and so forth. Don't let the typical stereotype dictate the success of your marriage. Each scenario is different. Best of luck to you!
SS

So where did all the other posts go???

I posted this topic to Emotional Needs, Divorcing, and General Questions. The EN thread is the most active. Go HERE

Stable,

My exH was diagnosed bipolar II rapid cycling and borderline personality disorder. I can honestly say, as the spouse of a person with a mental illness, that it is not easy; however, I can also honestly say that it definitely does NOT doom a marriage. In my opinion, I took my exH in mental sickness and mental health until death parted us, and so it was my duty to be his spouse through all of his struggles with mania and depression alike. I was committed to him and did not look at being with him as a burdensome duty, but rather, as a solid foundation--I had a responsibility to him to stay with him because I promised!

HOWEVER, what did eventually doom our marriage was that he was unwilling to do what he needed to do to be a good partner to me. In my opinion, what was needed was staying on his meds, going to an individual psychiatrist/counselor on a very regular basis (like weekly), and possibly attending a support group or doing some reading up on his own illnesses--that kind of thing. When he was untreated and unmedicated, he was raging--abusive--up all night--racing around--bouncing off the walls! Also, to be blunt, there was unusually high impulsivity and pretty much no desire to curb sexual desire--consequently he was frequently unfaithful.

I wished that he would want to do things to improve our marriage-including whatever he had to do to remain faithful to me! I wished that he would want to do the things he needed to do to care for his own mental and physical health. I wished that he wanted to do whatever had to be done to stop the raging and stop aiming his abusive anger at me. I told him these things out loud, and he did NOT WANT to do them! He took his medication (lamictal) and declared himself "cured"--then said that I was the one who was crazy, not him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Stable, I truly did love him. I truly wanted what was best for him, and there were times when he did not want what was best for him. I had no desire whatsoever to embarrass him or make it worse or provoke him or ANYTHING. I wanted to be honest about his illnesses, I wanted to learn more about it and try different things to make it easier for BOTH of us, and I wanted him to WANT TO BE WELL--that's it!! Personally, I'd say that if you and your husband both want to be together and you're both willing to do what you need to do to make your relationship good for both of you, then your marriage is not doomed!!!

I do have one small word of advice for you, and yes, it is ADVICE. I recommend that you frequently remind yourself that your husband has YOUR BEST INTERESTS in mind. He loves you and wants what is best for you. Trust him. If he says, "It seems....like you're having a tough time..." don't just immediately dismiss him--give it consideration. I'm here to tell you as a spouse, we are NOT trying to hurt you or embarrass you--just find waht is helpful for you AND for us. Okay? Trust his judgement just a little.

{{Stable}} Hang in there!

CJ

No, it doesn't 'doom' a Marriage, BUTT - it DOES make it a little more stressful. I'm Bi-Polar with sometimes rapid cycling - several ups and downs in a single day. Other times, it may take me 2 to 4 days to cycle. My wife knows I'm Bi-Polar and she accepts me for how I am just like our Wedding Vows state: sickness and health, better or for worse. She just works around my Illness and does not slam me or make me feel stupid or anything like that. Truly, she is "Love in action" and that means the world to me!
Harold

I agree with the above posts; your marriage is not doomed if both of you know what is going on and are willing to work at it.

When one person can only blame the other for all of the problems, it becomes an issue. I would say a Narcisistic personality is one of the hardest to deal with, because nothing is ever their fault.

It sounds like you and your husband really want to work this out and just because of that, you both have a far greater chance of success.

Lori

Right, Harold said what i was going to say. . .

Mental disorders add stress by adding another layer of issues to deal with.

so one must make a personal decision based upon a judgement of how much extra effort the disorder might take, in addition to the other normal marriages stressors. . . .

so, without children, and at a very young, immature age, IMO, its not worth the additional effort. . . under other conditions, the effort is worth it. . .

there is no black andwhite rule, only unique sitations and personal choices

wiftty

We believe that our marriage can be sucessful. I came here looking for ways to make it even better.

Over the last little while I've been running up against the idea that the illness dooms the marriage. It isn't directed at me personally but each time I hear it I cringe. He always reasures me that he loves me and is not going anywhere. It just hurts to think that someone might tell him to give up on me just because I have an illness.

I'm stable now but I understand what I put my H through while I was cycling. I have a huge amount of respect and sympathy for the spouses.

FaithfulWife, you and TNBG's W sound alot like my H. He is amazingly supportive. We found your advice on our own and used it. Sometimes I found it difficult to force myself to get help. At times it felt like I was fighting to remember that I needed it. I had to repeat "I have a problem that I cannot control. I need help." over and over to myself. In the end the meds and life-style changes worked like a miracle. I'm told that that is rare.

I lived through and with this. I've seen how difficult things can get for loved ones. Yet I really don't know what to say to others in the same position.

How do you give hope and support when you know how bad it can get? What do you say?

bump

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In the end the meds and life-style changes worked like a miracle </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you pretty much answered your own question. What do you say?

Well you say what you have done is working and if it stops working you will find another med that will work. IT is not hopeless.

God bless you and be well.
Remember that you are stable now and hopefully it will last you might need an increase in meds but you can live with this and your husband is a gem,
I am glad he did not leave, also I think people who tell others to leave an ill person, are ignorant of the facts and need to learn about the illnesses before they tell someone to leave an ill spouse. I also believe in our life time we will succum to some illness and if everyone left cause of illness the world would be a big mess.

I am happy you have found something that works for you. I have a very close friend that has bi-polar has had it many years and they use to hospitilize then 25 years ago..she has been stable for most of the years now. She is on lithium. I do know they have other meds that work now sometimes it takes 2 meds to do the job.
a new one is Lamictal that works really well.
it is an anti seizure medication.Somebody else I know is on it and it works wonders for them.
there are alot of new drugs coming out to help people who have many disorders it is a matter of finding the right one..the most important thing is for the person TO TAKE THEM FAITHFULLY! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep on Keeping on!