I filed for legal separation from my WS, who had child from A. Awful, huh? Legal filing occurred mid March, but H didn't move out of our home until two weeks ago.

We have been through one meeting discussing separation of assets, etc. WE have been married over 20 years, but have two children under 8 years old.

I would prefer to stay in home, at least for a while, until I decide whether to buy out H, or he buy me out. Fact is, since house has a lot of equity, and we live in very expensive area, neither one of us may be able to do it. Plus, even if I let H buy me out, I am left with buying home in less desirable area, with my kids in less desirous school district, with higher payments and taxes, which I may not be able to afford, even with CS.

H just starts paying temporary CS next month.

He is already talking of changing our home owner's insurance to my name, and our car insurance to individidual accounts, and he has only been gone two weeks. He is not with OW, by the way, and is only able to afford renting a room in a stranger's home.

The question-is it usual that issues of home sales, or not, must be decided during separation time? I have not filed for divorce yet at all.Still hoping H wakes up from deep fog. But must I decide this now-our kids have barely gotten used to this status-and now he wants me to decide soon about house?And what about the car insurance and home owner's insurance? Must I change that now as well?

It all depends on what state you live in. In the state I'm located, he'd be jumping the gun. That's why some states require a predetermined time of separation (3 mo. in some, a year in others). You may want to check the following site links, they have state-specific info that would help you. Try Divorce Source , Divorce Info, or Divorce Net .

Remember, no matter what, if an account changes to your name only, you become the one solely responsible for paying it regardless of your marital status.

I can see you're a long time MB'er. Sorry your M has come to this...

<small>[ May 29, 2003, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

You really need to have a lawyer help you know what legal decision will harm you and what won't. I was very lucky in that my WS let me decide everything and he did not get a lawyer. He knew I would not rake him through the coals and he had no money to hire a lawyer. My lawyer and I decided all the details and then it was written up in a contract for both of us to sign. We made decisions about the house, pension, estates, medical ins, etc and it was put in the agreement.

WS and I discussed everything after I talked it over with a lawyer. My WS had no intention to make my life harder financially and even helped me beyond what was expected but you never know what a WS will do when they are "in love" and running scared from their responsibilities.

I know others who went through mediation and all decisions about the future finances and assets were decided before the separation agreement was signed. We live in NYS.

Did you sign a separation agreement? If so, what was in it?

TW

Unhappy wife - it depends on the state you live in. As far as doing all the legal stuff. I was told that nothing is to be changed until after the divorce is final. Which my WS has done things shortly after we separated. We don't have legal separation in our state. But he doesn't follow the rules anyways.

So I would consult an attorney, or talk to someone about this concern. What about talking to a mediator and finding out in your state what is legal and what is not.

I filed 3/02 and still haven't resolved the house or custody issues.
I was told I could not change auto insurance (even though he was no longer driving the vehicles) or anything else. Everything should remain status quo, particularly health insurance and life insurance. Your lawyer will see to that.

I can't wait to get out of the house, but he's dragging his feet in buying me out - he probably can't afford it.
And given your comment on house values, you must be in the NE or CA.
Good Luck.
Have you tried the Infidelity board, they have a special section for other children.
Don't let him pressure you into anything prematurely. Use a lawyer.

<small>[ May 30, 2003, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: newly ]</small>

Thanks for all your responses.

Yes, before I ever sign anything, I intend to hire lawyer, a woman I have sought consultation before, to look over possible agreement. I don't think my H knows what he is talking about. I think he is just thinking that all our bills should now be divided or broken up since I am living in our home and he is not. He thinks I should pay all taxes, etc, not him. ANd any insurance we hold for house, cars, etc. should be put in separate name.
I actually asked him-if homeowners insurance is to be in my name, then is he put house in my name only?

I think he is all screwed up. He has sought no legal counsel at all. We went to one two hour meeting with court appointed lawyer, and he told H some of his issues were not based in legal case law. Where some of my issues, were. I am winning so far. I think H is just trying to get some money and screw me-he has very little to live on.

WE have no formal separation agreement yet-just that CS has been finally temporarily decided. Other issues have not been decided yet--

Any other feedback, I would appreciate it.

I have some more questions, please.

My H is not with OW.At this juncture, he is out of house, in a room he is renting.Since I am in our house with kids, he is saying I should pay all bills associated with house--i.e mortgage, home owners insurance, property taxes, etc. and he will not pay any of that.Claims the CS he will pay, beginning next month, should cover all of that, or at least his share.

I said no-- the CS is for our children, not for house payments. The thing is-- if I pay all of stuff and bills associated with house, I think then his name should be off the ownership papers--the way he wants to do it, I pay for all, he gets benefit of all as our equity builds over time.

I wanted to stay in home until kids grow up and out to college, but because they are under 10, the court appointed lawyer said I could not do that and keep my H from his share of equity until then. So,either I buy him out, he buys me out, or we sell home and neither one gets it. So, for separation, what to do about all payments?What have you done with separation-remember, I have not filed for divorce yet and am barely used to being separated.

Tell me what you think.

And thanks

When I was faced with the same situation (my Ws moved out to a 'rented room' but closer to OW's house), WS kept saying he couldn't make enough so I told him to have his 'supposedly rich' OW to take care of his needs.... all of them. Yep even the FS ($$) one. She was supposedly already doing the SF one so why not???!?

OW said she would give him the $$, dumb broad....thought she could buy him off. That stuck in his craw....then he tried to use the line that he could get $ from Ow. I called his bluff and asked him how much he thought our family was worth.... he said "priceless".... now this is where I reverse babbled with style:

BS: So how much do you think our family is worth?
WS: Priceless.

BS: Priceless as in or than a millon????
WS: Oh yes, way more

BS: Just checking (always ask for clarification of terms - take nothing for granted)

BS: I agree but since you can't afford to pay us that much howz about you borrow it from PBR?
WS: PBR doesn't have that much $$.

BS: (look of shock - hiding smirk).... she doesn't? Didn't she say she had lots of $$?

WS: Yes but not that much.
BS: Oh ok, well howz about I cut some slack....let's lower it to..... 500k

WS: too high.
BS: (begin to show disappointment).... $250k?

WS: no still too high

BS: Hm.... (frowning)... I thought you said she had lots of $$.

WS: No, I guess she doesn't have that much.

BS: Oh boy.... you go and wreck our M and you can't even make a profit from it.... ok howz about $87k.... (I already knew that OW and her H refi'd their prop and took out some of the equity).

WS: What?
BS: Hey, I am giving you a break here..... your family for $87k... I thought you said we were priceless.

WS: I don't think she has that much but if she did, she'd be broke.

BS: But at least she'd have U. (gave him one of those 'fran fine' looks - LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

WS: No I can't ask for that much.
BS: I thought she claimed her income was over $100K.

WS: That was her H's income....
BS: Oh. so she can go and borrow the $$$ from him!

WS: What?

BS: Well now remember you said we were priceless.... so let's stick with that thought.
Ok, 50K.

WS: Hm.... naw still too high.

BS: 27K....14K.....10K (WS kept shaking his head. Now I am getting mad....) Look lamo (remember I am in plan B and since this is one of the 3 topics allowed - $$, mail and son's visitation.... I can't LB - YIPE!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

Look lamo, you said we were priceless...I have dropped the amount from 1 mill to 10k.... now go get the $$ before I change my mind and sell you to the highest bidder!

With that the WS leaves.

WS calls later and says: OW will give you the $$. I didn't tell her what it is for, but she said she would loan me the $$. Orchid, are you sure you want to do this?

IMPORTANT NOTE: OW is Chinese. OW has not spent more than $100.00 on this A for over 5 8 months.... she bought him a $60.00 shirt when he took her to Yosemite and then gave it to her H when he came to get his stuff.... U draw your conclusions.

BS: No I am not ok, but since you are going to leave us anyway don't you think I should at least make back some of our losses? Tell her it needs to be in cash, money orders or cashier's check ... no personal checks (I also saw where she bounced a check).

WS: What? That's too much work? She will never agree to that.

BS: Ok, then we will put you up for sale to the highest bidder. What was that website you joined to meet this pretend rich pauper???? Who can't even bail out her adulterous lover??? I will need your picture so we can make sure you get one who can provide her financial statement. Make sure she has $$$. If you are going to be a giggalo it may as well be financially profitable.

(now this is sounding like those dumb daytime soap operas)

WS: U can't mean that.... U don't really want me to borrow $$ to pay you. How am I going to pay her back? I don't want to be financially indebted to PBR. (his voice sounded strained).

BS: Sorry dear but I do mean it. How you pay her back or how much you indebt yourself to her is really your problem. I mean really hon, do you think it is fair that I carry your financial burden? Didn't she promise to make you educated and wealthy? Well I am just cashing in on that promise.

If our son and I have to be displaced and our family dismembered, I don't want to see your bills coming to our home.... it is a 'trigger' for me. So I could lower the price a bit if you want me to start forwarding your credit card statements to her address!

WS: No, no no.... I will get back to you, ok? Please don't do anything rash....

With that I will end the script. The above happened. Almost verbatum.

L.

Unhappy Wife,
Again, it depends on what state you're in, as the laws differ from state to state. It's quite possible that a "legal separation" with papers drawn up by a lawyer would give you what you want financially and spell out the responsibility as to household things.

You HAVE to find out where you stand legally BEFORE you do ANYTHING. See a lawyer, or get free advice at a clinic, or visit those websites (which probably will spell all that out for you online). You could be setting yourself up for headaches down the road if you act before knowing what your options are. I'm concerned that if you're H is thinking the way he is at this point (early on), he may be unrational when things heat up (or at least culminate).

<small>[ May 31, 2003, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>