I am at the end of my rope with my husband, and I stumbled upon this site hoping someone can help. All advice appreciated from both male & female.<BR>EVERYONE in our life thinks my husband and I have a great relationship. In truth, we have a marriage with respect, love, communication, thoughtfullness, and admiration. But our marriage is falling apart because of one problem...SEX. My husband has NO sexual desire. Or, as he says, "I do feel it, but I just have trouble showing it." I think he is a liar. He almost never initiates it on his own. He can bath me and stare at me naked, and it never effect him in anyway. <BR>This had been very hard for me to deal with. We have been together 9 years, and it has been this way most of the time. We have talked, we have argued and fought, he had a physical & nothing is wrong, and the problem won't go away. I had a very active sex life prior to our marriage. Never have I ever had to deal with a man who didn't want it. It has been a crushing blow to my self esteem. I feel so ugly, so undesirable, so unworthy. I have told him this over and over, and all I get is a meek "I'm sorry" as it goes on and on. Some women have the problem of their H wanting to MUCH sex, and boy, so I wish!! <BR>Another reason this has been so difficult is I was raised by a strict, older catholic set of parents, and women just didn't like or want sex or you were a whore. I struggled a long time to overcome this. For a long time I had my sexual desires surpressed and under control. At around age thirty, my sexual desires increased to a need and longing I didn't feel able to control. As difficult as it was knowing how my husband has been, as his wife, I went to him about the changes that were happening inside my body. I was ashamed of those feelings. Oh, my husband played the concerned and supportive partner, but has basically left me to masturbate several times a week instead. (sorry for my bluntness.) I am a christian girl who beleives marriage is forever, and everything can be worked out through prayer, but I am finally at the end of my rope. I have lustful thoughts of adultery and sinning because my husband's lack of desire, and it doesn't seem fair. Maybe the only answer is divorce. Can you share your advice? <BR>

Hi Lennoxgal,<BR>I don't have advice, but just wanted to say I feel for you and I hope you guys can truly get help and your husband wanting to find the root of his lack of desire. I have never heard of the man not desiring sex but hope that this issue doesn't have to result in divorce and definately not going outside of your marriage to have that need met. I'm going thru something somewhat similar but it's the other way around. My husband wants "it" often and I lack the desire. I am actually disspointed in myself for that reason. I'd rather "gratify" myself than to do it with him however it's not that I'm totally not attracted to him, and like to see him naked but it bothers me terribly that I have no libido and now it has affected our relationship. Part of the reason my husband wants to separate I know is because we haven't been compatible in that "area" but I have no desire and when I do it's not romantic to me (it's "let's do it")and I hate I don't have an orgasm(which I know is part of my problem). I have been to the doctor and had myself checked out for a SFD and have not been satisfied with the dr.visit. I think part of it is because I am taking depro-vera shots but I haven't had a desire for quite a while. I also have been the "breadwinner" which hasn't made me feel real feminine and "freed-up" to relax but I hope when I get into my 30's( which is a year away) I do get a "higher sex drive". And that way if things do end up working out with my husband depsite the separation, we'll hopefully be more compatible and happier in that "area" of our marriage. You are in my prayers. <P>P.S. I'm not sure how old your H is but could he being going thru a mid-life change where their libido decreases and the women in her 30's increases?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LennoxGal:<BR><B>My husband has NO sexual desire. Or, as he says, "I do feel it, but I just have trouble showing it." I think he is a liar. He almost never initiates it on his own. He can bath me and stare at me naked, and it never effect him in anyway.</B>[QUOTE]<P>My first question is, who is the one in your relationship who does initiate sex? It sounds like that person is you. I went through this with my H and we discovered that the reason he had little desire, was because I made sure I was always available to him sexually. Basically I never told him no. He, in turn, conditioned me to ask and ask and ask, then finally he would give in and we would have sex....so I felt like I had to keep pinging him so many times before he would allow sex to happen. My solution was to stop. I stood up for myself. No more sex in situations that i was uncomfortable with, or if I am too tired, etc. I realized that it is ok, even healthy to say no. Now my husband is comfortable making passes at me. Not just because of me saying no,,,,I stopped allowing his saying no to devastate me.<BR> <BR>[QUOTE]<B>I had a very active sex life prior to our marriage. Never have I ever had to deal with a man who didn't want it. It has been a crushing blow to my self esteem. I feel so ugly, so undesirable, so unworthy. I have told him this over and over, and all I get is a meek "I'm sorry" as it goes on and on. Some women have the problem of their H wanting to MUCH sex, and boy, so I wish!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why do you define yourself by your husbands desire? Just because he isn't in the mood when you are is no reason to allow it to affect you like this. Why let it be a personal attack on you? He isn't saying that he isn't attracted to you. What is your sense of self? Do you think you are an attractive person? Obviously your H thinks you are, otherwise, why would he get physical with you at all?<P>Don't expect him to validate or accept the intimacy you offer him, when you offer it, just because you offered. Do you expect yourself to be in the mood all the time? If so, why?? No one is. It is ok to say no to sex. There are a million other ways of being intimate with each other. <BR>Let's flip it for a second. What if your H made a pass at you, then got really offended and mad when you said no? Every time you said no. It would make you feel like he expected you to jump in the sack at the hint that he was in the mood, wouldn't it? That isn't very agreeable to a relationship. Expectations never are.<P>Right now your H controls when you have sex, because right now he has the least desire for it. If you don't feel comfortable with that then take back some of the control. Say no the next time you want to be close to him, but feel no sexual desire. Remember, sex isn't beautiful, the beauty is in the two people.<BR> <BR>By making yourself available for him sexually all the time, you are allowing him to get as much sex as he wants, when he wants it, without ever having to initiate it. How do you change this? Stop initiating it for a while. And when you DO initiate it, do it because you WANT to have sex. Not because it's been 2 weeks since the last time. If it takes you a month to be in the mood again, what's wrong with that? NOT ONE THING!! It's honest. It wouldn't be because it's been too long, or because your H feels guilty that he hasn't made a pass at you in so many days. It would simply be because you want to.<P>I hope I have helped you in some small way, and that I haven't offended you in any way. Good luck.<BR>Wolf <P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Wolf, I thought your reply to this woman's post was interesting and very insightful. There is only one problem though. She isn't dealing with a man who wants sex, she is dealing with a man who doesn't want sex. He doesn't want it today, tomorrow or next week. He has no desire or inclination to have sex. I dealt with the same kind of man. He wanted sex every 3/4 months and then only to fill a basic animal need. There was no intimacy attached to it and it had very little to do with a desire to be with me. If I had stopped initiating sex with my ex there would not have been any sex and he would have been perfectly happy with it. I can identify with this woman's pain.<P>We all have the need to be desired and wanted by our spouses. That need does not mean that we are suffering from low self esteem, it means we are normal with normal needs. This woman's self esteem is in the gutter because she is continually rejected by the one person who is supposed to desire her. She has a right to feel wanted sexually, the person who is suppose to fulfill that right is the person taking it away from her.<P>More than likely she is dealing with someone who is passive/aggressive and is using sex to punish her for some unmet needs of his own. It might be needs she is failing to meet for him or it might be needs he himself is failing to meet. Whatever it is, he is choosing to punish her, he is choosing to not connect on an intimate level with his wife. He probably fears becoming emotionally attached. You become emotionally attached unless their is intimacy so, you avoid intimacy. He has psychological issues that he is allowing to do grave emotional harm to his wife. His rejection of her is only a symptom of a deeper issue. Telling her to not initiate sex any more is only going to leave her even more sexually frustrated. As long as she is willing to ask for it she is at least being serviced. If she looks at it for what it really is and takes steps to resolve the underlying issues she may one day actually be sexually desired by her husband. No one should ever put a lid on their own desires and needs. That is only covering the problem further and paving the road to a long, miserable and sexually deprived marriage in my opinion.<BR>Cathy

Here's a male prespective: <P>I am a 37 year old male and ever since I can remember I never have had a huge sexual appetite. But that doesn't mean that I don't think of sex all the time, or that I don't like it, because I do, I love seeing my wife naked, I love feeling her naked body next to mine, ect, ect, but for some reason my body doesn't respond the way I would like for it to. Every day I dream of having a huge appetite for sex with the ability to perform at will. <P>I finally got up the nerve to ask my doctor about it and he ordered some tests. What I found out is I have very low levels of testosterone. Its because of these low levels that I have a hard time performing, Viaga helps, but what a drag it is to go to the Rx counter and the girl helping you is an old friend, very embarrassing. <P>My point in all this is:<P>It may very well be that your his lack of sexual desire has nothing to do with you, my wife also thought that she didn't excite me, man that couldn't be farther from the truth, If she only knew how much she turns me on. It's very possable that he has the same problem as me and is unwilling to face it. After all, being unable to perform can be quite a blow to a mans ego, and every time I hear a story like yours I wonder if this man is just afraid to face his worst fear. <P>Search The internet for the effects and/or symptoms of low testosterone and see if your mans personallty fits that of a man with low levels of testosterone. Good luck.<p>[This message has been edited by TimPaul (edited June 10, 2001).]

Lennoxgal- are you positive that he is straight? And, by all means, have him get his testosterone chat is checked.<P>There's nothing wrong with you- I disagree with NakonaWolf, because I see her suggestion as manipulative and dishonest. Your husband is there for you, and you should have the right to go to him for this (he's the only other person who can do this with you in a moral relationship) whenever you wish, without apology or pushing. A spouse should be able to say, "I want you", and that is it. If he has trouble performing, he should be happy to take care of you by some other manual means just because that's part of the loving marriage contract.