Hi,
I'll try not to write a book. Please be patient. I need feedback before i talk to a lawyer monday. My H left me and our 2 babies (now 14 months and 2 1/2 years old) in November. He has cheated, and has been led astray by family members who wanted him to go out partying and spending while I worked fulltime and kept the kids and house full time...all of this while having 2 babies and 2 separate abdominal surgeries in 2 years. He was not cheating at the time he left...just said I was no fun anymore. That "everyone" said their wives were back in sixe TINY clothes as soon as they delivered their children, that their wives didn't ask where they went or who with, that their wives were all animals in bed (nevermind that my husband worked from 6:30 at night till 7:00 a.m....we never saw each other except at dinner, and possibly weekends unless a family member called wanting to go do something) Anyway, it was painful, but amicable for the kids. He signed a separation agreement that released me from our way too big house, gave me decent child support (though the lawyer says 200 dollars short from scale)and agreed to pay half of our debt. Most importantly, I got full custody of the kids, he has visitation only at our house due to their young ages and the fact that he was never around to learn to care for them and historically he is careless and has anger issues. Okay, so mid february he got weird, started asking to take the kids out which I allowed a few times. each time it was a fight because he didn't want to tell me where they were going or who with. (we had agreed no 'partners' around the kids) A few times that I told him I didn;t think so about the kids, he said they were his, he'd take them if he wanted, etc. So, I went to a lawyer. The lawyer is having a field day. My h is paying too little support, not even paying his half of the credit cards, not paying any alimony...and a few other things. My lawyer has some things in the pleadings that I feel like are just hurtful. My lawyer says he didn't care a thing in the world about hurting me, why do I care about hurting him. Well, fact is, we have two kids. God has given me the GRACE to get past the hurt and still be friendly when he comes to see the children (which he says he wants to do, yet rarely does...esp. since mid feb...before that he did all the time) IAnd, since I spoke to the lawyer, which H knows nothing about, H has changed his tone and demeanor with me. he has been by to visit for a couple hours at a time, and he's been quite friendly. He has called a few times too to check on us...like he use to before feb. So, my problem is, what do I do about the lawyer? Do I make him back down? He says if I want to stand firm about the kids then I have to paint an ugly picture. Okay...but he has lots of financial stuff in the pleading, like a million dollar life insurance policy, that I think will just be devastating on top of already not being alone with the kids. I also know how hard he has worked to come as far as he has, it hurts me to know that if I ask for more support, alimony AND his part of the debt, he will have nothing. I've done the math and don't see how it is possible. And I don't know what to do about telling him that I filed. He will be so hurt. I know he doesn't want me back, but this divorce will cite his adultery, and his irresponsibility. All gains that we have made in being freindly for the kids will be gone with his PRIDE. He will hate me, and that hate will translate into abandoning the kids if he can't take them away for visits. That is exactly how it was with my own dad, and I know how awful that was for me growing up...however, I do need the support and the help with the credit cards, so that I can afford to care for the kids. My mom worked 2 jobs while I grew up...days and nights, and I never could afford anything new nor any classes like dance or art....no sports, nothing. I always resented that too. So what do I do????? How can I stand firm, reign the lawyer in, get what I deserve, maintain the progress we have made and still be in the will of God? I really feel I have been blessed by many people (by God through many people) since this separation, and I don't want to step out of the grace I feel God has put on me in dealing with this mess and lose His blessing. But I don't want this all to be hopeful, wishful thinking, and throw away a great layers' argument on my H having a couple of good weeks (in all likelihood, between two flavors of the week)

Help!!!!!!!!!

momofA&A, I too have been hurt and betrayed and am no where near the point of healing and moving on but as I have learned from reading others posts here and the responses to them, others can be objective about your particular situation, when because of what is happening in your life, you cannot.

I know you hurt, I know you are afraid of doing anything that might possibly push him farther away than he already is, BUT you have to put your children first now. Their welfare and future are more important than the possiblity that your W/S will come out of his "fog" and become the husband and father he should be.

When you see your lawyer on Monday tell him you do not want to do anything with the sole purpose of hurting your husband but that you want him to do everything possible to protect your children and their future. Do you want them to grow up like you did? Shouldn't they have the opportunities that you weren't able to?

Do you believe that just because he has decided you aren't enough fun and didn't lose the weight fast enough after the boys were born that it relieves him of his responsibility to his children? NO, he was there when they were conceived and he should be there financially if not emotionally until they are grown.

You can't make him love you, believe me I know this as I have done everything in my power to try and get my husband to love me again too. And you can't make him be a real "daddy" to his children. But you can do everything in your power to make sure he is made to take the responsibility of supporting them.

Please for the sake of your children, get all the financial support from him that you can. God will not think badly of you for putting your children first. Their future is more important that anything at this point.

And please know that I do understand what you're going through. I've been there and am still there, but take care of them first and then I am confident that God will help you learn to accept his will and be happy again.

Susan

I really feel like not many people really do understand where I am....I'm not sure I do. I definitely do not hope, nor do I even want H back. However, for 6 years we were important to one another, friends...if he's no longer in love, somehow I accept that. What I really want is to preserve the friendship we had when we first separated, and to foster the growth of the friendship so that visitation will be comfortable for all of us. I really do have to play hard ball on the side of the children's visitation, because he is irresponsible in caring for them (knows no better...was never there to learn)...however, as long as he is paying full child support, his share of the bills, and keeping the insurance policy with me as beneficiary until the kids are out of school, then I think that is fair. My lawyer wants me to ask for alimony too....I deserve it I'm sure because of the adultery, but I work too and will do fine without it as long as he pays what is his true responsibility for the kids and debts. I am also concerned that if I go in demanding everything imaginable, then the judge will think I am just a vendictive wife out to cause as much damage as possible. I really want to be seen as a fair, level headed person, beyond the anger, willing to meet halfway on everything except the kids, in hopes that if I make a firm stand there, the judge will feel assured that I have good reason...not just bitterness. Seems like a divided front would be weaker. And I know he loves the children, and they love him...he just has no idea what to do with a one and 2 year old...so whatever i can do to foster a relationship where he will feel welcome to participate as the daddy, so he can learn and I can gain confidence in his ability, and learn to trust him on his word (a long time to do I assure you)...that's my goal. Crazy, huh?

hi!

Why don't you just do what your lawyer wants you to do?
It might be harsh for him, but believe me your husband will turn on you like the snake he is.
Just because he is in the so called honeymoon stage right now..is sorta like that..being nice..there is a reason for his behaviour right now.

I went through a separation legal one to keep him from divorcing me and he was the meanest and cruelest when it came to paying for things.

take what is coming to you and the children,
he needed to think of what these things before he betrayed you.

He seems probably will blame it on others and alcohol.

You are taking blame for his problems, don't do that let him live up to his responsibilities.
just cause the court awards you things does not mean he will make good on it. or if they don't and you both agree to things that won't come to pass his promises are nothing.
look at what he did already.

I also am a Christian and Adultry is one reason is given for divorce don't feel guilty about it.
and don't beat yourself up.

I think your husband has some growing up to do,
and comparing you to others was not fair to you at all after giving him children, how dare he.
God will also judge him for how he treated you.

YOU hold your head up high and raise your children in the knowledge of the Lord! and God will bless you beyond your wildest dreams..

God would not want you to just let him to neglect you..doesn't the bible say that a man who does not provide for his own family is worse then and infidel? that is scripture..

sometimes we need to take them to court to make sure they are held accountable. HE did wrong.
Now is the time to look out for you and the children and your future he promised you.
Make him be responsible now.
God bless you and please know I am praying for you and your children and my prayer list is really getting long..now..lol..

Take care and know God cares! He Is Faithful,
HE does not lie! Whats really exciting is soon and very soon we are going to see our KING!!!!
but till then you need money to live, insurance for medical bills etc ...he needs to continue to pay for what he was doing historically IT IS the right thing to DO.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />