Here's my situation. Husband is military and will be changing duty stations in July. He will be taking leave in June and will be staying at his Dad's house which is about 15 minutes away from my parents' house. The thing is, even when we were in the same state as him, he never initiated contact with our son. Since I've been living with my parents, it's been the same thing. I've had to call him to find out what is going on. When I try to tell him we need to work out some sort of visitation agreement for this time, he rants on and on about his work. Thus, he changes the subject and never gets back on to it. Be the time he's done venting, he wants to hang up. So, nothing has been worked out.

The legal seperation says he is to have resonable visitation. So, in this situation, what would be resonable? The other problem is I don't even know how long he's going to be here. I know he has to report in July and that his plan is to drive down there. The thing is, he hasn't even shipped his SUV yet so it might not be here in time. I know that once he leaves, we won't be seeing him again until he gets out of the military (year and a half).

I'm annoyed because he doesn't say when he wants to see our son and because I can't get anything done trying to second guess what his plans are. I know he's going to be relying on other people to get around but this is ridiculous. My life is being put on hold because he doesn't know how he wants to do things.

Anyway, what would be resonable? I don't want my son to stay with him the entire time. Son is just now starting to get use to Daddy being gone.

Rebecca

Hi LunaDove,

Its sounds like you are trying to push a relationship that is not there. It is the fathers job and responsibility to be a father, if the father chooses not to - thats his problem. Its sad, I know but if he doesn't want to talk visitation then drop it and just let your son get used to his dad not being around. Seek out other friends and family to give you a break from single-parenting. Don't put your life on hold, just assume he is not going to have visitation and work out other arrangements.

In my divorce papers it said if ex doesn't let me know by 4/1 when he will have the kids in the summer then he will get them for the month of July. Since ex didn't let me know, I think he will get them in July, but I really won't know until July. But I will not initiate a conversation with him to find out - its just not worth the headache.

I think that when the courts use the term "reasonable access", it's just a way of saying to the primary caregiver to not hold back visitations all the time.

You've let your H know that you're open for discussion on visitations. The ball is now in HIS court. You've done your part, and there's no more you can do UNLESS he contacts you.

Get on with your life. Reasonable access by you, also includes that he should be giving you reasonable notice.

Access is a HUGE issue for me right now. I have temporary sole custody of the boys (and thank goodness, my H isn't daring to contest that), and H can see the boys whenever he wants to... within "reason". I have requested a MINIMUM of 2 weeks notice prior to any visit taking place, and so far, this makes me feel better. Granted, my situation has extra hurdles to cross, as H can only have supervised visits, and only with his parents as the supervisors (his bail conditions state that he is to have no contact or association with me whatsoever).

Through the lawyers, he is griping about how he intends to fight for better visitations with the boys once the criminal trial is over (he's been arrested and charged with child pornography possession... after I turned in to the police, evidence of it that I found in our home). However, in the meantime, his ACTIONS show an entirely different story.

I also have a 4 yr old, and I know how it can be difficult to explain what's going on to them. When my guy asks me about seeing daddy, I just tell him the truth, and say, "you can see daddy... but it's up to Grandma and Grampa to call and let me know".

If your son is asking about seeing his daddy, then be sure to tell him the truth as to what's going on. Even if he's not asking... tell him of what you're trying to arrange, and find out if he's okay with it.

Let us know how it goes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Just a word of warning...DOCUMENT everything. That way, if he ever accuses you of not giving him access...as my H did when he called and said he wanted to pick up my daughter in 30 minutes for an outing and got mad when I had other plans (our agreement says he can visit as frequently as can be arranged, as long as it is at my home) Anyway, when he tried telling the lawyer that I wouldn't let him see the kids, I was able to show my journal of all the times he called, all the times he came by to visit, and all the times he asked for the kids and whether they went or not, and how well he cooperated about telling me where and who and when....it pretty well showed that for the most part he only called to check on the kids when he also wanted something else, and that he had stopped visiting them at home at all, though the opportunity is there (he even had a key until March) and that he frequently called me with no notice and unwilling to give me detailsand therefore didn't get to take them...even when i offered for him to drop by and see them, or to drop by and take them to our neighborhood playground right down the street. It is important to have that information available...record too all the times that you try to initiate a visit to show that you are going the extra mile to foster a relationship despite the divirce, that way no matter if he changes his mind latter, it can't come back on you.

Good luck

Be careful. I suggest you document his lack of interest in visitation. One idea is to communicate with him in writing. I had a situation that was slightly similar (OK very slightly). My husband showed little to no interest in visitation with the children, I talked him into it, but then when he filed for divorce he claimed I had not allowed him visitation!

How can I get it across to the court system that I don't want my husband to come to my home or be around me?

The restraining order has ended and for now he's staying away because that's what we worked out in mediation.

But he's still fixated on demanding that I give him permission to come over. I have plenty of evidence (witnesses, taped phone conversations, written communication, even what he said during mediation) that he only wants visitation with the children if it means getting to come to my home.

I did manage to get a temporary agreement from mediation that visitation be set up again through drop-off & pick-up at mutual friend's home. But he immediately started back in with the demands to come over. In mediation I had said that I might eventually agree to meeting him in a public place to exchange, progressing to dropping them off at his place, and then maybe someday he could start coming to my home... But I made it clear that it depended on him getting his anger problem under control. He apparently translated that to mean he would only have to pick them up at friend's home a time or two and then jump right to coming to my home! And he thinks it's up to him to decide when I should allow that.

How do I get the court system to get it? The mediator spent a LOT of time trying to talk me into letting him come over. It was only after he got angry and started cussing (during mediation) that she finally backed off from pressuring me.