HELP!!
My ex-husband just told me last night that he has never admitted this to anyone else but he is addicted to pornography and has been for 16 years. I have no idea what to do with this newfound information. I had no clue whatsoever and I know no one else does. Do I do anything to help ? He told me this and then he tells me he can't be with me because he always hurts me and because he is afraid he can't change. I am torn because I know he is addicted to pornography and to OW and I can't help him but I am supposed to be his HELP mate as his wife. Yes we got divorced in March but the papers have not seemed to mean much. On a side note, while discussing this horrible secret, OW called MY cell phone and asked (nicely) if I was still talking to ex-WS and I said yes and she asked me if she could talk to him a minute!?!??!?! I told her no, that if she wanted to talk to me that that would be fine but she would not be talking to my ex-WH on my phone with me sitting there. That I would not have it . So she said ok and hung up. I feel like I am in a nightmare and can't wake up.

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by adgirl48:
<strong>HELP!!
My ex-husband just told me last night that he has never admitted this to anyone else but he is addicted to pornography and has been for 16 years. I have no idea what to do with this newfound information. I had no clue whatsoever and I know no one else does. Do I do anything to help ? He told me this and then he tells me he can't be with me because he always hurts me and because he is afraid he can't change. I am torn because I know he is addicted to pornography and to OW and I can't help him but I am supposed to be his HELP mate as his wife. Yes we got divorced in March but the papers have not seemed to mean much. On a side note, while discussing this horrible secret, OW called MY cell phone and asked (nicely) if I was still talking to ex-WS and I said yes and she asked me if she could talk to him a minute!?!??!?! I told her no, that if she wanted to talk to me that that would be fine but she would not be talking to my ex-WH on my phone with me sitting there. That I would not have it . So she said ok and hung up. I feel like I am in a nightmare and can't wake up.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ..........first of all you are divorced, you are no longer a help mate period. Second of all why would you care if he is addicted to porn now? What difference does it make. Also, why should you care if your EX speaks to the OW now???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

A couple of suggestions -

The following website may help they have many resources including a nationwide daily talk show http://www.americasfamilycoaches.com/

Also a great resource is a book called Every Mans Battle by Fred Stoker - I think that is how you spell his name. His book is probably listed as a resource in the web site I listed.

God Bless you

John

ITS OVER:
Ok yes we are divorced but - no disrespect to you- the lights don't just go out for me when I get divorced. Especially when he is coming to me for help. And as for OW, I care because if he is coming to me for help, I can't help him if he is with OW and her calling my cell phone doesn't exactly help matters.

JohnC,
I appreciate your help. I actually did know about Every Man's Battle so I asked him if he would call and get signed up for a seminar for it. Thank you.

Sorry adgirl48, but you are setting yourself up for some more serious hurt. You need to look after yourself and stop trying to be in your EXs mix. Let him seek help from the OW....he sought alot of other things from her. Its your decision. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

bump

ITSOVER is right. You are NOT his helpmate any longer - he chose to LOSE you as his helpmate when he divorced you. What's wrong with his other woman, why can't SHE help him?? It's HER problem now - not yours. Your ex-H needs to quit making your life miserable by keeping you on the constant rollercoaster ride him and his OW are on. And the cell phone calls - you don't need to answer them if you know who it is and if you accidentally do pick up, you have every single right in the world to say: "Don't call me back, I'm no longer part of this mess. Thank you!"
JMHO.
Harold
PS - If YOU let them, ex-spouses will keep your life a living hell. You need to cut those strings and move on with your OWN life!

hi
just get him to change to this server and he can get unhooked he needs to want to stop the addiction you cannot help him give him the url below.
Are you tired of unsolicited (and often disgusting) emails and other obscene Internet content? Then switch your service to Integrity Online!

http://integrity.com/

We are an Internet and email service provider like AOL, MSN and others, with one BIG difference. Built-in to our network is powerful artificial intelligence technology that filters obscene internet content before it appears on your computer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
you can go to the site and there is a thing to type in someplace you would not want your kids to access..like playboy or hustler and see what happens when you do..it is blocked.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I do not think you need to be with him why do you even want him after all he put you through.
that was not love..for you.

What's wrong with his other woman, why can't SHE help him?? It's HER problem now - not yours.

Notebook dude- because she is dumb as a rock? Because she is too selfish? Because she is an idiot who gave up her son? And none of this is my problem I know!!!
As far as her calling, she did the private number thing- while I suspected it was her, I still picked up to make sure.

Sadeyes,
I took the computer in our divorce so he doesn't have a computer right now. Thanks for the link though. I don't think I want to be with him, I think I am just too scared for him to let him go.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 09:08 AM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

adgirl48,
It has been 2 years since my divorce and I still from time to time say a prayer for my X. Not that I have ANY feelings for her anymore, other than she was once an extremely important part of my life. I'm like you, I just don't turn off feelings for anyone - never have and I know that I never will. And that is OK. If my X walked in my door today, I would treat her just like any other friend or aquaintence of mine. I let her go a long time ago - but it wasn't all at once - sign the divorce now you're out of my life... that is not me...

You can worry about your X, but maybe keep it at a distance - don't allow him to influence your life anymore, unless down the road, reconciliation is something you both would like to persue.

For now, tell him if he ever really needs a friend, you will be there to listen on the phone, but that he can't abuse that privilage - for that is what it is now, a privilage - you don't owe him anything anymore. If you choose to be there for him, it is because you are a good person and you still care for him. BUT there has to be boundaries.

It sounds like you need a little distance from him right now, so maybe make the boundary the phone - that if he needs to talk, to NOT come see you, but to give you a call. And about the addiction, it is great to admit it - that is the first step. The next step is to seek help from a professional. You can only help lead him to water on this one, you won't be able to make him drink... Nor should that be your responsibility...

Take care of you.
God Bless,
mike

--------------------------------
32 yrs old
divorced 2 years
separated 1 year
together for ~8 years

now single and dating a divorced woman w/ 2 girls

Thanks So Tired2000. It is good to hear from someone who can understand where I am coming from. Most people think I am crazy for not just "turning off the switch" so to speak.
The phone boundary is a good idea.
God bless you too.