You know I keep thinking I can't believe this is happening to me. Why me? I can't believe I'm getting a divorce!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Why? Because of the OW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Why does he think he'll be happier with her instead of me and the kids?

You know I've asked him would he still be saying that he didn't love me if it weren't for her. And he says none of this would be happening if she weren't in the picture, but she is.

But I keep thinking to myself, he's gonna come back. They all do.

His father did the same thing and he went back.

I don't want to think like this. I want to go on with my life. I'm not going to wait for him. But by thinking this in my head I feel like I'm expecting him to come back when he may not.

But I keep hearing this little voice in my head saying, He's gonna come back.

Is is wrong for me to think that he's coming back?

DO THEY REALLY COME BACK??

Who knows.....some do, some dont.....mine didnt.

How long have you been divorced ITSOVER?

Almost always, within 2 years, the ws will make some sort of attempt at reconciliation. This may be outright "please let me come home!" to lots of phone calls and showing up all the time or much subtler signs.

This is the main reason MB principles tell you to wait for 2.5 years in Plan A/B before divorcing. Affairs will end. Then you can make a decision without having to wonder "what if?"

This is a good reason to wait until a divorce is FINAL before dating and even then at least a year after that. You don't want to get involved with someone before things have leveled out & you have had a chance to deal with the divorce.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I can't imagine waiting approx. 2.5 years to see if he wants to work it out?

I would say that he's been having this affair for appox. 10 months now.

I'm the one who is filing for the divorce. I feel like waiting it out won't make him realize how much he really wants to come back.

Leaving, will.

And I'm not even ready for a relationship at all right now or even in the near future. Not even looking. Just having fun going out with girlfriends!

The 2.5 years is not necessarily to see if he wants to come back. But if it happens (he decdes) then it is your choice.

It's also to give you time to heal and "just get over it."

Wouldn't you rather be able to say you made a decision rather than regret not being given a choice?

I'm the one who is filing for the divorce. I feel like waiting it out won't make him realize how much he really wants to come back.

Leaving, will.

So you are divorcing him to make him realize how much he may want to come back?

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

To me it sounds as though you aren't sure about divorcing him yet? Know that divorce solves nothing - issues, fears, pain will continue long after the "divorce" is final. I pray you aren't using the divorce as some kind of tool (or worse, a weapon), because it will most likely end up hurting you in the process.

But neither am I saying to just put up with his affair. The one thing you have going for you is that "you" are in charge of the divorce process. There is no rush on that. You can have a lawyer file him papers of your intent, but you can hold off on actually filing the court paperwork for a while (or if you already have filed, I believe you can put it "on hold"). My suggestion is maybe do that, BUT don't tell your husband - don't say anything to him. Keep him in limbo. If he calls and asks about it, just tell him your lawyer is working on it.

Then wait and see. Set a general timeline for yourself (3 months, 6 months, a year? Whatever you feel comfortable with). Then begin to work on yourself - do things to better yourself. No need to go out and date - spend quiet time with just you. That pain in the butt quote "if it is meant to be, it will" is true! (as MUCH as I hate it hearing it said to me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )... Just give it time - give yourself time - give your husband time. (oh and give God time to work too!)

Divorce is a huge step and one that is more often than not, not able to be turned around. Keep that in mind. You owe it more to yourself to follow your heart - Is it fair that your husband is off doing whatever, while you are patiently persevering? NOPE - not fair at all. But then again, not much in life is fair - it all comes down to what is in your heart. What you want.

I worked as hard as I could to save my marriage. I did everything that was in my heart. It didn't work - we are divorced now 2 years. Do I regret my actions during that time? Nope. I now see how much I grew during that time. Too many people run to court too quickly. I'm not saying that it might not be "time" for you to divorce, I'm just saying if you love him, then maybe it isn't time just yet... Ultimatums rarely work...

God bless,
Mike

evega,
I'm one that is on the other side of the fence, I had the affair and I did all the wrong things. It didn't really hit me hard on how much I loved and missed my wife until she started doing her own thing. She was just hanging with friends and not wanting to be with me. It is amazing how much emotion runs through a person when they live in this fantacy world and then realize what you really want. We have two beautiful children and allot of positives going for us. We were on our way back, even after the divorce, until my ex had a one-night stand with a total stranger. At first she was sorry and now she has this confusion iside of want she wants. I have made the choice to move forward now and let her do her thing. I know we both care for each other and that someday she will be back. When that day comes I will be ready to make our relationship the best ever. I know what I want, she now needs to figure it out. As for you, he will come back, especially if you start doing your own thing. Try something new golfing, tennis or yoga. I hope the best for you.

I waited a year before filing for d. And I worked on me. D is almost done and taken a year and a half.

Did he try to come back? Nope he's in the fog. Will he?

I don't care because I don't like the person he is now. Foggy people shouldn't be attractive to us. If you met your H now, would you be? Nope probably.

But God can do anything. We just don't know His plan.

I know an affair is not part of His plan. Either is a divorce because of unrepented adultery (which is ok for grounds by the way). That's why I filed.

Like a bad sickness or illness. It has to run its course. But you shouldn't be consumed with what HE does. Be worried and consumed with what YOU do now. You can only control your actions. And work on you. Don't file for him. File for you and to be free of the sin. I had to and it was hard. But now at the very end, it was the right thing.

I don't want him back this way. Maybe never. God's gotta work on him even so he can just be a decent dad. Morals are in the toilet. He has no sense of right or wrong and is probably NPD disorder and possibly a sociopath.

Deal with you now. Pray and talk with God. Be there for the kids. That's about all you can do. Set healthy boundaries so you aren't hurt any more.

I know divorce will not heal the pain faster. And this is not an ultimatum.

This is a decision I made, actually we made.

He started the process of filing also, just haven't been served. I was farther in the process than he was and he will probably be served before I do.

So it's not an ultimatum, he want's this divorce.

Yeah I do sound like I'm unsure b/c I never wanted to divorce. Who does? It's hard!

I'm ready to go on with my life w/o him, honestly I am.

But I keep hearing this little voice inside my head saying, he'll be back, just watch.

Why? Does everyone think like this? Or is it me?

evega,

I never wanted my divorce either - so I can relate. The one thing I DID do though, was NOT participate in the divorce. No, I wasn't being a jerk and yes, I did have an attorney, but I let all involved know that it wasn't my decision and it wasn't what I wanted (based on my faith and on my beliefs and on the fact that in my situation there was no direct cause - my X just came to the conclusion that she wasn't 'in-love' with me anymore).

I provided just what was needed of me and nothing more. I instructed my attorney to ONLY protect my interests. Other than that, all filings, all paperwork, everything was initiated by my X. And correspondingly she paid money for that extra time as well. But it wasn't my decision, so why should I participate in something that I did not/do no believe in? (no offense to ANYONE choosing divorce... I know that different circumstances call for different actions)

I guess what I'm saying is that IF (big if) you don't believe in the divorce and you don't want the divorce, then don't initiate the process. Above all else, it sends the message that you are in agreement with your spouse, when you might well not be. Hey, some people will think you are just "hanging on" and "can't let go", but screw them - it isn't their concern. I have so much more respect for people who stay and fight for what they believe in their hearts.

Now if in your heart, you are all out of love, well then you do what you need to do. Granted I'm an optimist and a romantic at heart, so I always hold on to hope (which is probably why I've been hurt a good number of times! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

I'm not criticising your decision at all - just hoping you are really doing what you feel in your heart...

Whatever you decide to do, you will be fine...
Mike

Has anyone else felt like this also?

I have been divorced for a year evega.

I'm presently going through the divorce process. Much like Mike's above, I did not want this and I'm making it plain to all involved.

I never thought it would come this far , either. Unlike almost veryone here, I've had to deal with a WW that's having a lesbian affair. She refuses to admit that this OW is nothing more than her best friend. But the fact remains that over two years ago she admitted the affair to me. I've been through the whole Plan A/B thing and have counseled extensively with Steve Harley. He had recommended a year ago that I start thinking about divorce just to protect my daughters values. It took me a long time to finally decide he was right.

Even though I filed, I still sometimes think it will end up with her coming back. Spare me the ideas on sexual orientation is irreversible. My wife told me at the start she didn't think of herself as homosexual, and to this day pokes fun at those that are. She and this OW have created a "bubble" that they live inside. By filing for adultery, in which this OW is also served, that "bubble" will definitely be broken. My daughters already know the truth.

Will she come back? Well she has created an almost impossible situation for herself because of all her lies and deceptions. I would only entertain the idea if she agreed to go under intensive counseling...