we are getting divorced very soon-- i am speaking with a lawyer this week--since we do not have anything the whole thing should be routine bye

That is all he wrote to me.

I am staying for the summer with my grandmother, taking care of her and her property while she is hospitalized and when she comes home to recuperate. Also, we will both not make any payment on housing until we are ready to move in to a new home.

The past year has been full of catastrophes for my husband and me. In one year, we have suffered the loss of a business with obvious major financial repercussions, family troubles, permanent physical injuries, (sustained when our taxi driver lost control of the car on the highway from the airport), and a cross-country relocation.

We also started a new retail business this year. Our lives have been more challenging and chaotic this year than any either of us has faced before. We are both young and dont have a lot of experience or foundation to rely on. These setbacks have dispirited us both and caused us to question and alter our life plans.

Weve had fights since I came here but he had been calling me every morning before he leaves for work. I work here also with a local organization and the time difference makes this the only time we have to talk. This means an hour less sleep for both of us but we both feel this to be more than worth the extra rest we both want.

I called him at our shop to ask him a question about plans for my visit home. He was cold and hostile and said he had talked to a close friend who is a partner at a prominent law firm (who is himself going through his third divorce) about he and I not working out and he had to go. Then, he sent me this e-mail to me and will not talk to me. I dont know what to do. When I got his e-mail I couldnt think of anything to say. I simply typed, WHY???? Please call me or write me and tell my what you are thinking. I love you. Since then he has not returned my phone calls or sent a reply.

Today it was too much for me. I arranged to have someone else go to the hospital and canceled everything else and wept and tried to write a more thought out letter to my husband. I have never been so beside myself that I didnt, in fact, want to focus on getting something else done. I have never cried so much or so hard in all of my life as I did today. Im shocked by how overwrought I am.

I dont know anything about divorce and my husband is the one who is friends with all of our lawyer friends. I dont want this and am perplexed and hurt. I want to respect his needs, his happiness is very important to me, but I feel he still loves me.

His treatment of me is so sudden and such a drastic change I dont know how to accept it as fully valid, though I dont want to delude myself or disrespect his feelings if he in fact does really want this.

I really looked upon him as my best friend. I feel like begging like barbara streisand in the Way We Were and saying I need my best friend to come hold me and talk to me. Something terrible just happened my best friend and lover refuses to talk to me anymore.

I have no idea what to do and it makes me not want to do anything else.

We don't have children or and our courtship was longer than our marriage.

I'm thousands of miles away. My grandmother lives on ranch in the country and is recovering from a heart attack and stroke, still hospitalized a half an hour away from her home.

I don't think that he's turned to another woman. Besides my srong feelings about his integrity, I know that he's currently working 70+ hours a week and gets home after midnight and had been calling me less than 6 hours later. (Which is 6 a.m. for me which means I have to wake at 0500 to walk, feed horses and before his call, when I'd make and eat breakfast before going to yoga and then the hospital.)

I could be wrong.

I've met some really interesting lawyers here and am overwhelmed and devastated by the process. If I didn't have a list of questions I don't think I'd be able to summon a sentence, it's so surprisingly difficult to talk about this with a stranger.

I have an appointment with a therapist in a week, I have no idea how to find a good one out here, but I don't think that really matters right now.

Up until three days before he sent the letter our morning talks were filled with love and compassion. We were planning a visit in a few weeks.

This feels like such an abrupt, painful change from everything I was working towards. Taking care of the business end of things has feels to me like working really hard to make a huge step back in life. I don't look forward to what I'm trying to accomplish at this time. I'm thankful we don't have children.

I can't beleive so many people have been here before me. I don't have anyone I know who has been through a divorce.

I know this conflict stems from his insecutities and jealousy.

He has emotionally withdrawn and I don't know how to open the lines of communication. He has more is not a man who would ever act violently, abuse his body with substances and I don't beleive he would cheat on me.

How do I open up communication? Do I stand a chance? What do I do???

hi
can you go home to him and get this sorted out?
maybe he thinks your cheating or something.
is there a reason to doubt your faithfulness to him?

does he need your help with the business?

where is your grandmother at? can someone else take care of her?

I think you need to go home and see what is going on, he might really be stressed out and overwhelmed by everything and ready to snap.

If it were me and you never had problems before don't tell him, just pack up and go back and see what is going on.

if he isn't expecting you then you will suprise him and any appts etc with others he will try to get away from you or cancel..while there you can probably check the phone with *69 as soon as you get there and you will find something out when your home.

I think it is strange that he is doing this, especially after talking to you.
is he maybe filing bankruptcy and put everything in your name so he is going to divorce you so you won't be liable?

you said his friend is getting his 4th divorce perhaps he has convinced your husband u are being unfaithful to him..

I don't know I do hear the desperation in your post. don't get to frazzled I have been there with the not being able to move paralyzing isn't it?

I hope you get to the bottom of it. the letter he sent was too short and curt..no explanation.

what does he normally do when he is home alone other then sleep>? he might be deprived of sleep.
he also probably needs a break.

can you get a minister to go talk to him if you can't go back?
Keep on keeping on..
I know ask people here post and ask is anyone live in the state you live and have them go to your business and check on him..maybe they can strike up a conversation with him..ask...ok..
it's worth a try.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

is there someone else to fill in for you while you go home...your grandmother is in the hospital still for how long?
so she is well taken care of.

I am sure there has to be someone she would trust for awhile who did the chores while she was there before you got there to help?

I am not sure if your willing to go home, do you think he will change his mind?

have you talked about divorce in the past?
don't you have to be separated for a length of time before divorced..?

we do here. and my husband had tried to say it was the day he left..but in actuallity it was when he filed divorce papers that I knew he was not coming home so I changed it to separation at that time and gave myself some time to get myself together..it shocked me to no end that he just deceided that he was going to do it..and nothing was going to change his mind..it was like he had a split in his personality very nasty person
like someone I never met..I mean we had alot of problems and all and he got angry and mean..but this was different and he was flat..just different.I did make them change it to a legal separation not a divorce. he had no grounds to divorce me..I did to him but I needed my medical and something to live on. as I was a stay at home mom and took care of him during his bout with ms since 1969..and that was my source of income.
I did not get paid to take care of him.and he wouldn't let me hire anyone..

anyway I am sure that she is safe in hospital for now.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

is there any reason for him to be jealous?
keep on keeping on...

iingeb,

STOP. Sit down and breathe... You have been taken by surprise - BELIEVE me, many of us here have been through the same situation. Chances are your husband has been thinking about this for sometime. Stress affects different people in different ways. It sounds like you both are swamped with stress right now.

Realize that this is VERY early in the game. Take a breathe and just relax. YOU CAN AND WILL HANDLE WHAT EVER HAPPENS! I PROMISE you that!!!! It will all come to you, as you need it. OK? There is NO NEED to rush. I know probably EVERY bone in your body is telling you that you need to "do this" or "say that" or "go there"... but you don't. There is NO INSTANT cure for this. NOTHING you can say or do will make it all go away. The sooner you can accept that, the sooner you can begin to put yourself back together and work on your marriage. slowly...

Just reading your post brought back the day my X had a similar conversation with me. It was as if someone struck me upside the head with a bat. To me, while we weren't doing "great", to hear her talk, it was as if it was right out of the blue! So what you are feeling is normal. Try to get yourself to a counselor as soon as possible.

It looks like the stress has pushed your husband into "the fog". The fog is a state of mind where a person closes down all emotional ties to their spouse - some actually blame all their problems on their spouse, for it is easier to do that, than to look inside themselves. Some of them go into depressions, or resort to cheating, drinking, drugs, you name it - anything to try and escape from the pain they have inside. They become selfish and cold and overbearing - they will turn everything off they have for you. No it isn't fair or right, it is what it is. If you want to save your marriage, you need to do your best to understand what "the fog" is....

That is the bad news. The good news is that I think this is a direct result of the stress in his life. And you being the closest to him, will end up taking the brunt of it. I have my own business and I know what a toll it would take on me if I "failed" in that business. If your husband is like me and he is driven - to lose a business is like the end of the world to him - EVEN if he never said anything to you, or if he seemed to be strong the whole way through...

Prepare yourself that there "might" be another person in his life (MIGHT! NOT IS). If he is feeling bad about himself and if his self-confidence is bruised or gone, right now, then that is the perfect time for a temptation to come into his life - anyone outside of you, who may show him attention, he might think will be able to "fill him back up" again - and the worst part about affairs is that they tend to do just that - for a short time until the newness wears off and they are left with this new person whom they don't want, and their spouse who they totally hurt.

Time is your ally. I'm not sure if you have faith in your life - if you do, then now is the time to fall back on it, more than you ever have. You may see me mention God in a lot of my posts here on this site, but it isn't to convert people or any of that, it is only because I saw/see what He has done in my life. Going through my separation and divorce really opened my eyes to how someone else was watching out for me and caring for me - There were JUST TOO many coincidences happening, just when I needed them.

Be strong. Relax. Even if your husband starts pushing things along, just relax. Don't do anything rash - don't think the worst of your husband. Try to focus on your love for yourself and your love for him. Trust in your love.

I know that you are far away from him right now and that is actually a good thing in a way. If you were there with him, you'd be putting even more pressure on him and things would most likely get even worse. DON'T BEG! Be strong. A GREAT book for you to read (reading relationship books by the way is a great way to handle your emotions right now), is called Tough Love by Dobson. It isn't a big read, but I think he makes some solid points - it helped me a great deal.

And keep reading and posting here! Like I said, many of us have been through what you are feeling. I wrote A LOT here at MB when I was going through it and it helped a great deal! The people here are great!

God bless,
mike

I always knew that I would never settle for a relationship that I wasn't completely satisfied with. I desire someone I really respect who is a great friend, someone who shares my values.

I felt that I'd found all of this and more when I very first met my husband

At times, when we argued, he would voice this insecurity by saying things like, "...Why don't you go find someone better than me? If things keep going like this I'm never going to be able to provide for you. I'm 50 pounds overwieght and I'm making no money. You can find some one who you will like better...".

I always responded that it was quite evident that he was very desirable to me no matter how dissatisfied he felt with his physical shape and that I had full confidence in his abiltiy to succeed. An entrepreneuer must be willing to conted with one or more failures and the resultant difficulties before success and we at least had a loving relationship in these difficult times. Also I reminded him that I had my own career path and that even if I never accompished the fabulous success that might be possible in my field, my chosen profession assured a minimum of a comfortable salary

I was a model, very briefly, before I was discusted by the whole thing (one summer)and am being hit on/ harrassed by men constantly. Though I am repelled and bothered by these advances and entirely devoted to my relationship with my husband, he has always been rather insecure. (especailly after he gained 50 pounds after we began living together).

I asked my husband to find some info for me in my date book and he found a marking inscribed "joshie woshie" with a phone number and birthday.

I'd forgotten that it was there. It had been filled in by a co-worker who had been harrassing me at work. I'd requested time off to go to a trade show in manhattan on my birthday with my husband and was complaining to a friend that I had not been given the dates requested when JW took the calendar from my hands and inscribed this marking.

I replied by saying "I have to admit that I feel flattered that you are jealous. I want to be all yours and it feels nicer if you want it too. Much stronger though I hate to think of the way it feels to be jealous, and of you feeling that way. Hearing the coldness and strain in your voice when I talked to you the other morning made my stomach clench with nausea."

I explained the situation and said also "I would rather be alone than accept anything less than what I feel for you. My unfulfilled desire is to improve my role in our togetherness. our relationship surpasses all I desire from one otherwise. It is you that I want to want me. When men treat me like JW it is saddening and repulsive to me, it feels like a curse since I can't stop it. I don’t want anything but the admiration, love and desire that I have for you. If I have all this why would I want something less?".

I finished by saying "I don’t know what else to say. I miss you so very much. I love you even more. I am yours entirely. I am helplessly yours, regardless of whether you will have me or not. I hope I talk to you soon. Your morning calls have made my days so much brighter. They stay with me all day, sometimes at the most unexpected moments."

He responded with the divorce email.

I called him today and he said that he'd talk to me on monday.

I have no idea what to say or do to handle this correctly. I am desperate and feel like weeping and begging.

please, Any and or all advice.

iingeb,

I learned in my marriage that no matter WHAT you try, you can't fix your spouse. My X had/has such sorrow in her life from early incidents. She had/has very low self-esteem, where at the time she was everything to me. No compliment, no logic, no level of understanding made any difference to her. When someone is feeling depressed and low about themselves, the ONLY one that can change that is themselves.

You will go crazy trying. Believe me, I tried! If your husband is going through these feelings, the best thing (in my opinion) you can do is give him space - complete and total space. You can love him from a distance and work to be sure he knows he has a safe refuge in you should he choose it, but other than that, nothing you can do or say will help him.

One thing is for sure, the more you beg and plead, the more pressure he will feel and the farther he will "run". When he calls, muster all the strength you can to be calm and loving, but not pleading. Then as soon as he hangs up, cry and cry it all out. Just don't let him hear or see it...

I'll be saying a prayer for you...
Try to get some rest and try to give yourself some peace for the next few days...

Mike

What DO I say to him???

wow... what do you say... hmmmm... OK just a stab here:
"honey, it sounds like you have a lot on your mind and that you are making some big decisions. You know that I don't want to lose you, but it doesn't sound to me like this is about 'me'". You know that I will be here if you need me, but maybe for right now you need to focus on yourself and what is going on in your life. I hope you have enough respect for me to not bring someone else into your life, but I know that is up to you. For now, for a while, maybe it is best if we didn't talk - it will give us both a chance to decide what is best for us. I feel strongly for you and believe that you are my soulmate, but if you are telling me that you aren't, then I need to think some things over myself. I'm sorry for trying to change your mind, I'm sure I just added more stress to things. If a divorce is what you want, then I'll leave that up to you to persue. I have to go now, maybe we can talk in a few weeks. bye..."

OF COURSE this is only one way to approach it. I can't give you the words, the answers, that will work. The general undertone is just to appear strong and to "open the cage door". By being less emotional, it may begin to trigger his thinking about "why he needs to get out" to "am I sure I really want to get out".

BUT, once you have this conversation, he will be watching with keen eyes to see if you are for real. Any slip up by you will just make him think this is another attempt to keep me in the marriage. So you need to be tough and NOT give in when you have the urge to call or write or email.

Give it several weeks, maybe a couple months if possible. Remember this doesn't and WON'T be fixed in a day. Take a very broad view of things - Is 2 months worth a marriage that will last a lifetime? If yes, then you have your answer.

I'm not saying this will definitely work, just making a suggestion to try something different.

I really hope this all works out for you. As with everyone else here, I'm so sorry you are all here, but at the same time I'm glad you are all here - If you will let it, this site can really help you out. It did for me 3 years ago and it still does here and there...

God Bless,
Mike

Do you really think that cutting him off and not talking to him is the best approach?

Also I have tax and other legal papers that I need to have him send me and insurance forms I have to go over with him.

Since he went from loving and planning a visit in a few weeks to angry and upset over a trust/insecurity/jealosy issue and then decided to distance himself isn't it sort of about this issue?

Since he's willing to talk to me should I ask him if what he wants is space and tell him I'm willing to give him whatever he feels he needs if so?

Is it trapping him to ask him why he feels he wants to divorce? (If I can do it in a warm, calm way and not cry?)

iingeb,

My husband use to get upset over little things like some man just looking at me. It is amazing how much this hurts them. Please realize, it may be little to you but it is big to him. You both are working yourselves to death. You are both tired and the separation is taking its toll. I too, believe you need to go home. Your husband should come first. I learned this the hard way, after my husband left me three years ago.

He had said many of the same things your husband said to you. I like you didn't want the divorce. I cried out to God for help and he led me to this site www.restorem.org . I found hope there and learned how to treat my husband. I have learned to trust God alone. Everyone else will fail you. Humans are not perfect and even if we don't mean or plan to hurt someone, we always will.

My divorce still hasn't happened and my husband has went from " I am never coming home," to " I don't know why I cannot make a decision and coming home or not. " I know why he can't decide. It is because GOd is working in his heart. First I had to allow GOd to change me. My husband and I do things together and even go to church together. We get along great now. He has even suggested to our friends that he is thinking about comeing back soon. It has taken time for him to heal and for us to rebuild our relationship. Your marriage doesn't sound like it is in as bad a shape as our got. We were treating each other bad.

I do have to say that one of the first things to hurt our marriage was when we decided to work different shift to save on childcare. We saw each other other very little and everthing went down hill afterwards.

There is always hope. As suggested here, relax.

gentle