I have not been here for a long time, but I have been lurking. An update on my situation. I am a BS , My WW and I have been in " recovery" since March of 2001. D Day was November 2000. Recovery is really not what I am in because recovery implies that you are working towards getting back the love you once had. That is not happened. My WW, I believe, has not had contact and seems OK. But things are different. There is very little affection and practically no SF in this marriage ( she has changed the oil in her vehicle as often as we have had SF during this time). I have more than tried to put the principals I have learned here into action. I believe I have done a great job of it and have become an even better H than I was before the A ( and I was a good H before). I have not pressured her for anything and have met all the needs she has let me meet. I do believe in the MB principals and encourage everyone to apply them. I do believe they work ... but not in my case. The reason, it's simple, this person doesn't have the maturity to handle it and I doubt she has ever really loved me. I do not want to feel these negative things towards her, but what do you do when your W seems to recoil when you try to touch her. What kind of a M is it when you have SF less than 10 times in 2 plus years. Why do I stay ? That is the million dollar question. I have no family left, I am just entering my 50's and I think I am more afraid of being alone than I am of being unhappy. She is a conflict avoider who has refused counseling. I do not know what to do next and quite frankly, don't care if I live or die.
I hope that I can find my way out of this, but I fear I will stay in this "roommate marriage" for as long as she can take it too. I am so tired and sick of dealing with this, and I am writing this not so much for advise ( for the people here have given me plenty of sound advise) but more as a warning to others, who seem to find themselves slipping into this same quagmire. Do all you can to make yourself as good a person as you can be ( I have and that is the one thing I am proud of from all of this), try like hell to save your M because it is worthwhile, but, do not allow yourself to end up like me, a bitter unloved man who just exist to exist. This is not a letter to feel sorry for myself, because I don't, it is also not a cry for help, it is, quite simply, a warning to everyone here to know when to say when.

Mark H my heart goes out to you. It is a lonely situation for you. I am in a 24 year marriage which has has lots of ups & downs. My WW and I are both conflict avoiders. She's a very social person and I like to be alone. Needless to say her emotional and money needs were not met and she has had 4 affairs that I know of. Current one is with old boyfried from 30 years ago. She is out of the house now. I have been a co-dependent and an appeaser, pleading with her to reconsider. Well every time I opened up to her she'd lie about the affair, say it was over to stay in the house and then take off all weekend to be with him, like I was stupid and could'nt figure it out.

My self esteem was at an all time low.. I think it is how you must feel now. But after telling her to get out of the house and set conditions for her returning (end affair) I feel my dignity returning. I love her but hate her behavior and can't live with it any more. I'm 51 and also scared of being alone and the thought maybe not finding anyone else to be with and share life with. But anything is better than being emotional tortured by this woman I thought I loved for so long. So, now it's a waiting game to see if she comes to her senses or files for divorce. Either way I'm preparing for the rest of my life. Don't give up. Find out what you want for youself and go for it. You are young and have so many years ahead of yourself, it would be a tragedy to waste them being unhappy. Have a serious face to face talk with you W about your relationship.

I hope and pray that your situation improves and you find peace and joy.
------------------------------------------------
Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Informal separation 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out

<small>[ June 06, 2003, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: Joquin1 ]</small>

Joquin, Thank You for the thoughts. My heart goes out to you and good for you, you did the right thing. I will tell you this, If I ever find out that she has done it again, I will leave, that I am sure of. I can live with this situation but not with the complete lack of respect that another one would be. When it first happened, I said to myself, it can happen to anyone, people are not perfect, but if it happens again that is not a mistake, that is cruel and mean.

Cruel and mean is putting in mild. After the last D-day I asked her to find another place to live then changed my mind if she'd break off A. Well a month went by with nothing but lies to me and our 19 year old daughter. That's what being a nice guy got me, a month of pouring my heart out to her for nothing but more pain and suffering. Oh well, lesson learned. We also own a business together and I asked her to leave that also. Can't even work with her. Hoping for a miracle but ready to move on.

Mark H,

Not sure if you ever went, but get some counseling for yourself. Even if she won't go. It will help you find the strength within you. It may also bring to light something that you "aren't" seeing in yourself. It may just take a minor change in your relationship to ignite a spark. But keeping to the status quo is a slow downward spiral. In counseling you may find the answers you are looking for...

Before I went with my XW 4 years ago, I was a 6'2", 230lb man's man... "I don't need any help!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But after the first session I was dumbfounded. I went for a good 8 months and learned so much from the experience. I kept going after we separated, by myself, and had some great break-throughs...

Don't give up hope!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Mike