</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At times I think why did I file for divorce, when I should just wait it out to see what happens in a year or so when it all comes crashing down on her. I must go on with my life, the kids and continue to make myself a better person.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I beleive it was Dr Phil McGraw that gave this warning to cheating spouses about their lovers: 'what they did with you, they'll do to you' and he is right. The betrayers will become the betrayed, and when they finally wake up and realized what they've lost it is already too late to make amends.

An excellent way to become that better person is for you to read the books I recomended. They can help you gain insight on other people, yourself, and they include proven strategies to vastly improved your relationships. You would do well if you incorporate their principles in your life, even if its too late for this marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I beleive it was Dr Phil McGraw that gave this warning to cheating spouses about their lovers: 'what they did with you, they'll do to you'

Is this the tittle of the book? I will give it try.

I rarely come to MB anymore, but I did happen to come upon your thread today.

I feel mixed feelings about your situation. I was the WS, and it took me years to come out of the fog completely. I wanted to work on it with my now exH for a long time, but there's no chance of it for now. Your wife may come out of the fog, and I bet she will-- but it might take years. Treat her as kind as you can, that will help her realize she does love you. OM and I had a tumultuous relationship. The nicer you are to her, the more problems she and OM will have. So, for now if you can..drop the sarcasm and be kind.

Here's the problem I have, with your situation.(and why I say I have mixed feelings) I must admit I have a problem with a mother who leaves her children, and moves in with another man. Okay , some may think, "Who is H_P to talk? She was a WS." First of all, I was separated for over a year before my children met the OM. I never lived with OM, nor would I have done so even if I hadn't had children. I'll admit I was selfish enough to have an A, but the fact that your wife LEFT your home, and your children...that is a tough one to get over. If you feel you can wait, then please wait this out for awhile. She may come off of her cloud.

Again, I'll repeat. The nicer you are to her, the better it will be. I so remember this, quite well. Throughout our separation and divorce, my now exH was mostly always polite and kind. It would always remind me why I loved him, in the first place. In contrast, OM was domineering, abrupt, and rude with many people. Remember the saying, "Kill them with kindness." Like Coffeeman told me, my exH was doing a plan A without knowing it. In my case, exH had/has no interest in resurrecting a relationship with me. You do have that interest, so please treat her the best you can.

Think of her as an addict. An A is like one. It was the most delicious, confusing 'draw' of my life. It was like being on drugs, although I've never done drugs...it's as I imagine drugs would be. It's over now, and all I dream/think of is my exH. After a FOUR YEAR affair, my memories and dreams of exOm are practically nil, zero, non-existent. What does that tell you? I thought it was the love of the century.

Give it time, AAA! The fog will lift.

Take care,
H_P

Thanks H_P for your insight. I will keep that in mind and hopefully be patient. I will work on being a better person and somsday better at our relationship. My W knows how much I love her and still do, Even though we are in the process of a divorce, someone mention that it is just a piece of paper, and regardless of divorcing I strongly feel that we will make it work again and rebuild.

My W wasted no time introducing them to OM, as I wrote she took them out of school for a weekend trip to orlando where she met OM to have affair.I could care less but do not involved my children. She feel that he is "her knight in shinning armor". Gees, ten years ago when we met I was the best thing to ever happen to her.

H_P is right about an A(affair) being very much like an addiction, although that doesn't mean that the WS(wayward spouse) is not responsible for chosing to take the drug. The same strong brain chemicals that caused her attraction towards you, are the same ones she has inside her head and causing her attraction towards her OM. But once those chemicals subside, then her rational side will start to see a lot of OM's shortcomings, especially if he starts love busting her more and more. It's inevitable and because she and OM do not have the relationship skills to work on overcoming relationship problems, the chances that their relationship will even survive, is stacked against them.

Hi AAA,

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

Replay your story and bump of the married years and add a couple of living together and that's my story. Especially the cheaters at work bit.

TR is partially right.

Meeting needs is important, but so is character. That's what the vows are all about. Do what is right, even in the face of adversity.

An affair is always the wayward spouse's fault. Always. You may have contributed to a divorce, but an affair her fault entirely.

Blaming the BS for the affair is like blaming a victim who just got mugged. You just got mugged.

Sure, there were things you could have done to minimize being mugged, but the bottom line is that your wife is a cheater.

I think my now deceased grandmother said it best, "you did the best you could with what you knew." This is from a lady who had a cheating husband, my grandfather.

The addiction stuff is very true. These people will do anything for their affair. I easily got custody of my daughter and pretty much everything else I wanted in the divorce.

Do not try to make sense of what she's done. She, like Harley says, has lost half of her IQ. She's not being reasonable and rational and that's the problem. Treat it like a drug addiction.

There was a time when I would have been willing to reconcile, but not anymore. Would I really want somebody I can't trust back? Gee, sorry, if I can not trust you, I can not respect you, and therefore; I can not love you.

How many years are we supposed to wait? Are we to be discarded and wait for scraps later? With hopeful_person, it took 4 YEARS.

My mother cheated and married the OM who became my step-dad. Although the affair (read "love" or lust) was over in about a year, they stayed married for umpteen. My mother was miserable and later said that he was her punishment. (before she died of cancer)

My XW married the OM too in September. I knew exactly what I had to do as far as my daughter was concerned. Somebody had to be the parent and teach the right things. My friends frequently compliment me on my daughter.

Still, it all does end. My brother recently told me about his divorce. I found out that he was the OM and his wife cheated on him. Therefore, the saying "if they can do it with you, they can do it to you" holds true.

My advice to you is simple. Be a gentleman. Take your kids now while you can get them, protect yourself legally, and be nice. Your best revenge is living a wonderful life.

She's just looking for ways to point her finger at you to assuage her guilt, so be nice, but firm. Don't give her what she wants.

Let her go... If she comes back in the near future, maybe you can reconcile. If not, file for divorce and move on.

From one man to another, if you think you can get custody of the kids now, pull the trigger and get the divorce. (you can always re-marry, it's just a piece of paper, she's already shattered the vows) Her cheating is hard enough to deal with, but losing your kids would be horrible.

Courts are not kind to men and women really believe that the children belong to them as they came out of their body. Nevermind that the children have half of the father's DNA and children really do need their fathers in their lives and equal amount of the time. Looking at the singles ads is funny. I frequently see women looking for men to be good father figures. I wonder if these women screwed the real fathers in the divorce.

Take your kids and move on. Learn from MB so that you'll have a better shot with your next relationship(s).

My W has already given me the kids, said she will not fight for them. She said that they would be better off with me than with her. Sad to say what will eventually happen but that is not my concern. I am learning from MB and will become a better person too. I also think that whatever we learn, will make us better but somehow there is always something else that will lead to troubled relationship.

I will not wait four years before my W comes to her senses, I figure she will just just like the bar scene, just hop to different guys in search of her happpiness. We are close to divorce and as you say it is just a piece of paper. My job is to be a good parent and teach my kids the right thing. I have a very good female friend that I have known for 11 years now and she treats my kids like they were own. She too is divorced and has two kids, and now we help each other out with babysitting.
I am just happy at the moment that my kids are with me and not her. They do not need to be in that situation with OM.

Well I think a did s dumb thing today. My WW asked me to help her with resume. Seems like the wonderful job she talked about loving is not so wonderful anymore. She was demoted from her position back to what she was doing before the affair happened. Seems like she went out and got drunk, had a great time then called in sick at work. They told her that it has been eight times now since she has called in sick since January 31 (when affair happened). I told her she did it to herself but she does not care. Am I been too nice by offering to help her?

My advice is NOT to help her with her resume. You should not let yourself be used as a doormat. Tell her that you wish her well but she should go to a company that does resumes. It is no longer your obligation and responsibility to help her get a job. If she wants to trade you in for a new stud than she should expect nothing from you. The sooner she confronts reality the chances increase that she may wake up and realize the horrible mistake she is making.