My WH had me served with divorce papers.

But what's goinig on? About 2 months ago he had said that he didn't want a divorce and wanted to work things out. Well when we were supposible "working things out" I found out that he was doing the same things, still see the OW and nothing had changed.

After this it's just been fighting till now. Now he's moved in with the OW and her parents, you believe that?

Well my WH told his lawyer to go ahead with the process after we had some big fight.

I honestly don't believe that he's ready. He's just reacting on pure emotion.

I'm so mad. I don't even want to talk to him. It's like I'm so mad but still want to work things out. Is this even possible? I mean here we are in the process of divorcing and I'm thinking that we still have a chance, even after the divorce.

<small>[ June 09, 2003, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: evega ]</small>

evega,

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Hope is something that most people have in situations like yours. A divorce is NOT a quick process.

For now, sit back and take a deep breathe and relax. Get your head together and go talk with someone if you can - either a counselor or someone from your church...

But KNOW that EVERYTHING you are feeling has been felt by MANY of us here before. Whatever happens, good or bad, you will get through this. My advice is to not let your anger take control - it will only lead to more problems and heartache for all involved.

May God bless and keep you safe.
mike

Evega, You are exactly where I was 3 mo. ago and I still feel like that my W is on an emotional trip which she is. I still want us to work things out. The other person in their life is all they can see right now. No matter if you told them if they saw this person again it would mean death. THEY WOULD DO IT!! I have hurt and hurt till I did not think I could hurt anymore. Go to God. He will help you. Find good Christian freinds to talk to. You will find that God has a purpose for you. You cannot change you partner, but you can change you. Grow closer to God. Lean on him. He will even carry you if you need him to. Pray that God will change your partner. God hates divorce but he does give us the ability to make choices in life. Those that choose to divorce instead of dealing with their problems will have to answer to God for their choice. God will hold them responsible for this. He will take care of you if you are his child. I hope I helped you. I don't know what else to say. TRUST IN GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART!!

I'm just so sad! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Even while I'm writing this the tears are rolling down my face!

WHY? That's all I can think about. Why me? Why did he do this? Why didn't he want to work things out?

My poor kids! They never deserved this!Especially the littlest one, she's only 3 months and I can probably count the number on hours he's spent with he and it's less that 10. Can you believe that?

It just HURTS SO MUCH! This is the man I LOVED. I feel so lonely. I wish he would just come to me and just hold me and tell me that everything's gonna be ok. I MISS HIM! I really do. I want my husband back!

I wish somebody could tell me that he's coming back! B/C I really want him to come back!

It's just so unfair. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

evega,

It is OK... Oh I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I remember that feeling all too much. If you need to, cry and cry and cry it all out. Then when you can't cry anymore, pull yourself together and go do something. The key is to keep yourself busy.

If you have God in your life, go to Him. Try not to blame Him for it is your husband's choice NOT God's. But God will always be there for you when you reach out to Him.

Everything seems so dark right now, but it will pass. Begin getting rid of the "why's", they will only make you crazy - for there rarely ever is a "why" when this stuff happens...

We here have ALL BEEN where you are at - both men and women alike. I have had days where I cried so much my stomach physically hurt. But it passes. It does. Work hard to keep your sleep up - for I really noticed that the less sleep I got, the worse things seemed and the sadder I got.

Another great help was exercise - something about moving around and getting the blood flowing. Plus it helps boost your self-confidence.

But for right this moment, know that we all feel for you and we are so sorry that you are going through this pain.

And we will all say a prayer for you right this minute...

mike

My WH said that we have no chance, none, zero. He hasn't filed yet, and I don't know how much he has actually thought about it. When he does mention it I tell him a piece of advice that someone gave me. Don't divorce until there is no anger between you, because when you do, you still have unfinished business to deal with. Would your husband consider relationship counseling? Just so you would be able to discuss things like the kids without fighting or using them to barter? I told my husband this, and he backed off from the threat of divorce. I told him we fight all the time how could we ever talk about the kids and their wellfare without fighting. Just a thought. By the way, I have a 4 year old, 3 year old and a 9 month, so I know what you mean by loving someone who doesn't show a care in the world for their family. Hang in there.

I am so sorry. Been there also. Now my stbxh's shacked up with OW2 also. Even my outlaws have been active babysitting OW's child for them when they used to be so close to me.

It's worse than any rollercoaster period. I've never let my son see anything immoral like he has or anything.

You can't understand them because he's existing in an alternate universe from where you are. It's the deep fog.

Realize they will LB and heavy. Their soulmate thing will shatter with time. I know it will. You don't jump from one frying pan into another without some hot grease hitting you and burning you ok?

Get advice on plan A and B. You need to use your brain here. And if D is going on, you can also use MB techniques when in the middle of it.

That is good. Contact on Gen. Questions Orchid and REdhat. They are good with learning how to converse with the foggy ones.

Have you tried the lmbt approach where you stop being clingy and let go? That goes along with plan B but you must first find out whether you need to be in plan A or B right now.

He's not probably going to budge for a w hile so I almost think you need to do a complete 180 with how you may be dealing with this and show him what he is missing. But make sure which plan is right for you and continue. When you have a plan to stick to, it's somewhat easier. You have focus. You can focus on doing what's needed to be done. Get good lawyer and tell H that you "don't know what to do and are confused" that's why you got lawyer. You don't have to tell H that the lawyer is a mean bulldog ok? That's what I did.

How am I suppose to handle this whole situation? We have two kids and he calls when he wants to pick up the oldest (4 yrs old). He never spends time with the baby (3 mos. old). She doesn't even know him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm living w/ my parents and they don't want him coming around, my dad HATES him.

I'm just so MAD that I don't know how to be civil with him. He makes me so mad b/c he tries to act like everything is ok and were both ok with the whole situation. When in reality I'm NOT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I hate his relationship with the OW and I let him know that. I don't know how to be friendly to him. I know eventually I can be, but right now all I have is anger towards him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

How do I handle this?

evega,

It is hard for me to talk about the children since in my marriage we did not have any. I will say that I see it in my girlfriend's situation. She has 2 girls, 9 and 10 yrs. old. The father sees the girls as property and nothing else. He spends barely any time with the youngest one. And he is somewhat close to the oldest. I feel so much for my girlfriend (and the girls) because I see how she wants the girls to have a relationship with him. All you can do is pray about that one. But do know that you are not alone. Me as a man, I can't understand these spouses who just walkout on the children and move on with their life. It makes me sick to think there are that selfish of people out there...

About the anger. You have full control over your anger (or you CAN have full control over it). Some may disagree with me, but I really feel that nothing good comes from anger. Passing anger is one thing - it is natural to get upset when someone lets you down. But to live for an extended period of time with anger in your heart ONLY tears you down. AND rarely even has any effect on the other person. For me, I had a strong faith in my life when I went through my divorce. So whenever I felt the anger coming on, I would stop and say a quick prayer for God to take it out of my heart. It worked everytime.

Indifference is a much better way to approach your husband. The less you seem to care about him and his doings, the better it will be for you and the worse it will be for him. And by being civil, it is a good example for the children.

Even if you have to go run or exercise when the angry feelings come - do it. Feel the emotion and vent it in a healthy way.

Plus I can assure you that if you go through the divorce with anger in your heart, you will end up making decisions that later on you may be ashamed of doing.

I feel for you and like I said because I have some experience in seeing a situation like yours, I feel for the children too... Be strong for them and for yourself...

God bless,
mike

<small>[ June 09, 2003, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: SoTired2000 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by evega:
<strong>I'm just so MAD that I don't know how to be civil with him.

I hate his relationship with the OW and I let him know that. I don't know how to be friendly to him, right now all I have is anger towards him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

How do I handle this?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, evega, I know this anger, but listen to SoTired....

The anger is NOT good to show him. Especially if you would like to salvage your M some day in the future. He will simply use your anger against you and justify himself saying things like, "See? We'll never get along..."

You've heard of Plan A? Well, Plan A is all about being the BEST "candidate" for his life. By being the more attractive (read: NOT BIT**Y) person, when the day comes that his "bubble world" comes apart, he will look around and have some GOOD memories to remember about your last times together, and MAY consider trying to reconcile.

It doesn't matter what he says now, since he's living in a fantasy-land, and NOT thinking straight. He only believes all this is good, and best for all concerned. YOU KNOW BETTER, but you will be unable to change his thinking right now.

I hope this gives you something to think about, but as always - this advice is worth what you paid for it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless,

While it's perfectly normal and instinctive to lash out at those who hurt us thru anger, your anger could turn into a poison that may end up helping to finalize your divorce and insuring the destruction of your future happiness as well. If you feel that you can't control your anger, it may be wise for you to seek professional assistance to help you manage it. Do it for yourself and for you loved ones as well.

Why does my STBEX think that I'm OK with this whole divorce? He talks to me like we're ok about things. Don't I have the right to be mad at him?

Why does he want me to be ok with his relationship with his OW?

He swears I've already moved on and am probably seeing someone.

I'm just so furious! HE'S A TOTAL IDIOT!

I can talk to him, but will only talk about our son.

Yesterday he was asking me about some stuffed animal I gave our son. It was a little dalmation with a fire fighter hat. He asked who gave it to me. He asked if a fireman gave it to me. I just ignored his question and continued talking about our son.

Why does he care? Why should he care, he's got his GF, why does he have to know if it was a gift from a fireman? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

And to those who want to know, No it wasn't given to me by a fireman. It was purchased by myself as a donation for the March of Dimes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I just let him believe that it was a gift! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You're getting it..You're fogging the fogger.

That is key. And use it with a good plan A.

And plan A is about you being the best you period. That's it. And just controlling yourself around hubby.

it's not for the hubby, I love you lupo, but I disagree here. It's for you. The whole thing...A and B is for restortion but a is to get a hold of you and improve you and work on you. He may very well see it.

And using the fog the fogger approach works very well. Use the thing from LmBT by dobson and don't be clingy. You're doing the right thing. Just smile and say it's a gift. Be gentle in saying that. He will burn inside. He doens't know (even dobson uses these words) if some guy's invading his turf or not. And you just improving you is great.

Do as I did. Nod your head and listen to him. Smile occasionally. But then say that you have other feelings regarding divorce and that you aren't going to make moral concessions for something wrong. But that you understand and hear his feelings. Say that. And then suddenly make him even foggier by immediately changing the subject and saying something about something you are doing..ie..going to gym, out to lunch, et.

He will go what he heck's going on here? She's wonderful. She's not clingy. Look at her...She's improving herself. She is moving on without ME...I'd better catch up.

My stbxh, the idiot he is, did that for a short while. Then he danced off into the fog. He may never return. Either way, you improve you nd you're much better for it in the long run