My W has filed for D, and I was served on May 15th. Our families and some friends know. Well, over the weekend, I have heard thru our friends (2 now) that have been approached by people asking about US or that they already know about the D.

Now, for some unknow reason (I think I know), my W and I have not told our boys (ages 6 and 9) about the D. She keeps asking me when I want to tell them, I respond that I don't want to tell them. I told her to pick a date/time and I will be there for when SHE tells them. I have made it very clear the she is responsible for telling them, not me. I will go with what ever story she tells them and will not confront her in front of them.

I know it sounds spitefull and petty, but am I wrong here by making her tell them? I mean, this is what SHE wants right?

Or should I be a man and just do it for her?

I don't want the boys hearing it from someone else.

I have been hoping and praying that she is waiting because she is having second thoughts, but I honestly do not think that will happen. It is something very hard to do, and understand why she is procrastinating.

I guess right now, I have to put the boys first so that they are hurt as least as possible.

I agree with you, that SHE should tell them. You, however, should definitely be there when she does. You and your wife should have a talk beforehand, and agree on what SHE will say. That way you will know in advance, and won't be surprised by anything. (The last thing you need is to hear something you don't agree with, in front of your kids!)

I wonder if, when you approach the subject with her, you could bring up possible solutions other than divorce (counseling, etc.)? That might be one of your last opportunities...

living-in-limbo,

I'd DEFINITELY tell them together, for everybody's sake. But you may want to setup a date and time for that conversation and NOT leave it up to your wife. Think of a time coming up where you all will be together - a time where it would be very difficult for her to back out. Then talk to her about it and say that you will be there with her, but that you don't know what to say because you don't really understand it yourself, so you are looking to her to take the lead on this one. When you say that to her, try your best NOT to have any sarcasm or other undertone to your voice. Just be honest. But talk to her with a firm tone so that she knows this HAS to be done now, especially now that other people know... Don't make it about the 2 of you, but rather for the good of the children that it comes from you both and not off the street...

mike

I was in a similar situation when my WH was insistent on a divorce and I was opposed to it and favored counseling. I told my H that I would be present when he told our 3 kids but that it was HIS responsibility to explain it to them since I can't justify splitting up our family. I don't believe in the "divorce is not harmful to children' bit so I felt it wasn't my place to tell them that our family was about to be split up. H ended up telling the kids that he was 'moving out of the house for time alone' - even that sent our 3 kids into tears.There is no way I would have told them FOR H.I also told H not to expect a speedy stress free D since I am opposed to D on spiritual and moral grounds in general when there are young children involved. He acted like that didn't bother him but I know it did because later on he ended up canceling the D altogether. Take care and stick to your principles- those are what make you YOU deep down! lifeismessy

LIM,

Thanks for the reply. It gives me hope, thank you!

I feel exactly like you do in regards to D and my W has justified it in her own way. She is convinced that the boys will not be impacted by the D, and that if they are, it is because we let them and use the D as an excuse that they have problems. She believes that it is more unhealthy for them to be raised when the parents are not happy. None of that makes sense to me, but I tend to be logical, and my W is not a logical person.

She has made her mind up, and I doubt that she will change it. She would rather have D by mistake then admit that gave up too early and filed. Now that she has filed, she feels that she has to go thru with or she will look silly.

I understand... my ex was the same way. She is so illogical that it sometimes makes me wonder how she can function. My ex told me "I think the boys will not be surprised." and "I think this will be good for them." All crap along with all the other crap that she used to justify her actions.

Anyway, be there for your children. Do not let them feel that they are loosing you along with their family. I was the person who left the house, because I knew that she would be so unstable that my boys would be hurt by her moving out. They stayed with me for a few days, the first nights I was gone. Then we got into the 'normal' custody routine we agreed to. I did everything I could think of to ensure my boys that I wasn't going anywhere without them. That WE were moving to a new house and that they would still be able to 'visit' their mother at her old house.

It seems to have really helped. Now, my oldest is still having trouble... even with everything that I have been doing. Sure 'they won't be surprised.' and 'will be good for them'... Both of them still have a hard time... and both of their grades have suffered pretty dramatically. Although I think that is as much because they are only with me half the time, and she, despite being a teacher, doesn't feel like she needs to ensure that they get their homework and reading completed. It is difficult doing a weeks worth of homework in two days, but we get it done, because we can't trust that she will do anything.

What I am saying is don't worry that your wife is acting like a fool. You won't be able to change her mind, and using logic and reality will only cloud the issue. Be there for your children... they are all that matter for a long, long while.

Truthfully, you might want to rethink having her tell them. Sure, you don't want to be thought of as wanting this, however, you must think about your children. My ex started glossing things over like this was one big adventure. I had to step in and tell the kids what was really going to happen, because she was acting like this was a trip to Disneyland. Don't let your children suffer because your ex is so far gone that she can't do the job right. Your kids won't care who said what, but they will be impacted by the words, so perhaps your words could be better than hers.

Now, I wish that she had to say it, but just because it is her place, doesn't mean she can do a good job for your children. Just keep it in the back of your mind.

<small>[ June 11, 2003, 12:43 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Even though it is your wife's responsibility to tell the children, I think you need to look beyond what is "right thing" for her to do...and what is "best" for the children. Since other people already are aware of the situation, I think it's a mistake to wait much longer. Imagine your children hearing the news from a third party.

My x was also the sort who thought that the children would be "fine" with the divorce and that they'd want HIM to be happy. He thought they'd adjust "easily" and without emotional trauma. I didn't believe it for a minute.

But, guess what? HE WAS RIGHT. The kids did adjust, and they grew up to be happy, healthy, loving adults. They also grew up not NEEDING him. He's a stranger to them. He isn't part of their personal identity. It's not based in anger. It's based in indifference. If they see him, it's fine. If they don't see him, it's equally fine.

None of the kids even consider him to be their Dad. That honor belongs to their Stepdad. What I'm really trying to say, is that children are smart. They can spot a self-centered fraud from a mile away. They can tell the difference between a parent who, consistantly, puts their own "happiness" and "self-fulfillment" ahead of everything else and the parent who thinks about what's good for the family as a whole.

My DH and I have been successful in creating a tight-knit, loving and nurturing family. The kids take great pride in their family unit. They are emotionally invested in it. The kids, who are almost 24, 21 & 19 feel a responsibility to the family unit. They know the unit is only as strong as the weakest link. In other words, they have an identity within the family and they each have a vested interest in nurturing the family. My son, recently married. One night over dinner, my daughter-in-law turned to my son and said, "Honey, I got a much better set of in-laws than you did." My point is, that our family is "inclusive" in that, anyone who invests in it, is included in it, whether it's by marriage, blood, or friendship. My x didn't invest in the family, so he's not part of it.

Good luck to you. Hold your children close. Do what's "best" for them, and quit waiting for your wife to do the right thing. If she's anything like my x, you'll all be waiting a very long time. Instead, start building the life YOU want with your children.

BTM

Thanks for the great advice.

W and I spoke last night, we intend to tell the boys this evening. W has found a house to rent and intends to move out and take the boys. We are going to tell the boys that we are not getting along and that we are going to live in different houses for now and see what happens.

My W is considering putting the D 'on-hold', but will not commit to it. She says she needs space, and everytime she mentioned this in the past, she expected me to leave. She also expected me to come back home and do my chores as usual. So she wanted me to pay the mortgage and all of her expenses, pay for an apartment. Not only is it unrealistic, I cannot afford that. She wants the best of both worlds. In some ways she wants to be married and others she wants to be single. I told her that it does not work that way.

My concern is for my boys. I am wondering what is best for them in this whole situation. I mean it would be best for them to stay put so their lives are not so disrupted, that is a fact. But I also know that my W will not really know what it is like to be a single mother if she remained in the house on her terms. She feel that shesneeds a dose of reality. What better way for her to decide what she really wants? But I am still concerned for the boys emotional well being.

BeenThereMyself posted:

"They also grew up not NEEDING him. He's a stranger to them. He isn't part of their personal identity. It's not based in anger. It's based in indifference. If they see him, it's fine. If they don't see him, it's equally fine.

None of the kids even consider him to be their Dad. That honor belongs to their Stepdad. What I'm really trying to say, is that children are smart. They can spot a self-centered fraud from a mile away. They can tell the difference between a parent who, consistantly, puts their own "happiness" and "self-fulfillment" ahead of everything else and the parent who thinks about what's good for the family as a whole."

I was Soooo worried about divorce and how it would affect my daughters. I literally laid awake at night for a couple of years worrying which would be worse: divorce or my husband's horrible modeling of husband/father. He got even worse and made the decision easier for me.

My oldest daughter hasn't had anything to do with the "jerk" (her description) in over a year - doesn't even speak to him on the phone. My middel daughter will visit him sometimes but increasingly could care less. Only the youngest daughter wants to talk to him and see him a lot... but even she is starting to express anger about his selfishness.

There's no step-father in our situation (I don't have plans to date even) but we're doing just fine. He provided so little in emotional support, time and committment when he lived with us, it hasn't been to difficult to get over him. There's lots of benefits too: We don't have to witness his violent tantrums, silent-treatment-pouts, cutting criticisms. We're free to go wherever we want to now (all he wanted to do was watch tv and chat with his mom & sisters online).