Hi, I am sure no one here remembers me, as it has been almost 2 years (I think) since I last posted. Anyway, at the time it was because I had lost my sex drive. After some soul searching, some counseling, and a seperation..that is no longer a problem.
My husband and I are 13yrs apart, he was married once before and was a philandering husband/minister. He had a horrible upbringing and a bad marriage, and when I met him via the interent in college..I fell for everything all the justifications and sob stories, forgave the lie he originally told me about him being younger, single and in a different line of work. After he left his wife and the church, I agreed to meet him..we ended up married and now have a 4yr old child together. We have been married 4 1/2yrs, and we've been seperated once, and threatened divorce 2 other times..needless to say we've been very rocky. My husband and I don't have much in common, we have no mutual friends, we have totally different senses of humor and interests. Almost 2 yrs ago, the idea of an open marriage was brought up..I tried but decided I couldn't do it. (Meaning I went out with a man and confessed to it later the same nite and said it was not for me) At first he was really turned on, and then he said I owed him one. He went out with some girl that hit on him while on lunch break one day at a nearby restaurant..I begged him until the point she arrived at his car for their date not to go..he didn't get home until 4am and swore nothing happened, though she "fell in love with him". We fought and fought and fought, and eventually the cops were called because I couldn't take it and slapped him, he hit me back..I called. Technically I threw the first punch so he coulda kicked me out..he told my family he was done with me, told my friends..told me to move on. I begged and pleaded, thru myself at him..for 2 months. Eventually my friends said MOVE ON. I did, and I met a wondeful man. I had started working, I was losing weight, and I was happy..then he asked me back. I was SO mad. For various reasons, mainly my son, and the fact that I felt I owed it to the vows I had taken...to give it a try. It was good for a while, but now it is bad again. Now my husband is the one with NO sex drive. I can't tell you the last time it was when we really kissed, though I've tried..but he acts like he is just going thru the motions. I've cried, I've gotten counseling, (I'm codependent apparently)Ive yelled..nothing changes. (Hope you are still with me, I know this is long) In February he left for work one morning and had accidentally left his email on, I snooped. I found an email from a woman saying she "loved his sexy voice it made her melt" and that HE was right, it sucked they live so far apart. I broke down, but he told me it was nothing, and he couldn't control how she talked to him... Eventually I just blocked it out and tried to move past it.
We had a stupid fight yesterday that escalated ..and in the end he stood over me yelling and calling me horrible names, and telling me he only stayed with me for our son. I had enough, so I left for the nite with our son and came back today after he had gone to work. Of course he emailed me and told me how sorry he was, but I told him it was over and that I want out.
You all, I am confused. I don't think it will ever change, and I don't think I'll ever trust him..but it is so easy to stay. Any advice would be appreciated, or is anyone in a similar situation? Thanks..

Dear CL:

I can only tell you that I am very worried about you. Your H's behavior is abusive and you are in danger.

Did you read Dr. Harley's books?

Maybe you and your H would have a chance if you both realized that changes need to be made on both sides.

There has been a lot of disrespect in this M and that has to stop.

Maybe a separation would be better for the two of you.

But please make sure that you and your son are safe.

Hi,
I am sorry your husband is abusing you.
I hope and pray he is not violent to your child.
you know the child witnessing this also is not good.

you need to go to a womens shelter..he is going to end up maiming you or killing you before he gets through he is going into too many rages and you are the thing he takes it out on.

it will not change and he will not stop.
mine didn't, you need to stop it by removing yourself.

can you report him next time he abuses you even if it the next day when he is gone call the police to come to your home and sign a complaint against him..

does he think he is above the law because he was a minister? you do need to protect yourself and your child..and don't put it off..I am afraid for you. I know of too many horror stories with women who were abused..don't become a statistic..

it is not you it is him..you don't cause him to do this, there is something he is very angry at.
when you are gone he will turn it in to himself and become self destructive by drinking or drugs..
please I implore you to get help.

God bless you and keep you safe..take care..
Keep on Keeping on..EarthAngel

oh you can write me if you want to.
just because he treats you badly and was a minister does not mean that God has forgotton you..remember God tells husbands to.
Love the wife of their youth...and he is going to have to answer about this and other things in the end, he is going to be judged and he isn't going to get off so easy with the Lord...

earthangel@telcomplus.net

First off I want to thank you for taking the time to reply, I truely appreciate it. However, I was very suprised by what both of you wrote. I don't feel abused. Granted, I believe my husband plays mind/word games..and at times I can admit if he told me the sky was green I'd believe him but I don't feel my son and I are in harms way. I mentioned the time I called the police..he was being a jerk, and had had a bit to drink (he drinks occasionally, absolutely no problem..which I'd detect because I'm the daughter of an alcoholic) and I lost it and slapped him..he stood up and hit me ..that has been the only time, and believe me we have had some doozy fights and he's never tried it again, nor have I. I know he is manipulative and decietful, and he has even called himself ruthless, but I don't think he would ever hurt me physically.
This being said..yesterday he emailed me an apology "note" and I emailed him back saying I was still moving out. He got to crying and said we'd talk when he got home..but when he got off work he called to say he was going out. When he did get home, we didn't talk..he just asked when I was leaving. We are being friendly...that's that.
I'm upset that I have to go thru this again..but I"m somewhat looking forward to my new life. It's sure a roller coaster. I guess God knew what he was doing when he didn't give me the baby I had been trying for.