I was looking for the current banking statement on H's desk and I found a folder with the signed papers for divorce. It had been sent to him at a PO box that I didn't know he even had. He signed it on 6/4, so I will probably be receiving them this week. (How convenient that he is out of town on business trip this week!)
His communication skills are so lacking, I guess he thought it was easier to just surprise me with them instead talking to me about it in advance. (In general he never speaks to me unless it is about kids or something mean directed at me.)
Although I can say that it's been a long time coming and overdue in a hopeless situation, I still am numb to have just "found" it. Oh well, never a good time or way is there?

I know it's the best option that there is, given how terribly bad this relationship is and has been for about 10 yrs. And I am actually looking forward to the possibility of actually having a happy marriage in the future with someone that will respect me and accept me. However, I am terrified of the financial aspect (I am disabled) in addition to never having been "alone" (financially) as an adult. (We married day after college graduation.)

But mostly I feel guilty for not being able to provide stability and happiness for our children. They will surely have to move to another state which will be particularly difficult for my teen daughters. (I can't afford to live here and my family are ALL in another state. I don't know anyone here.) H has said a couple of times that he wants to work for his company division in Germany, plus he has a girlfriend in Germany. (I recently found love letters to him) so he will most likely be looking to move there as soon as possible. (He travels there frequently currently)

This is the 2nd time that we have been to this point. The first time we stopped procedures, but we have been unable to resolve anything. H wants no compromises... since he is the sole breadwinner, he feels that his role is more important and that he should have his way on everything. It's his way or no way and he is very hateful and agressive verbally in his bulldozing. I am tired of his egotistical arrogant behavior!

So though I am very shaky and nervous I have to find the strength and self confidence to know that I can get thru this a better person.

Since I'm numb at the moment I don't know how to feel. I'm sure that later today or tomorrow I will be back here with tears in my eyes..... late nights are especially difficult for me emotionally.

I guess I need to find an attorney and get my financial stuff in order starting today. The first thing I'm feeling though is that I need a bit of pampering today....

Say prayers for me please to send strength this way.....................

Strength, you're already there. You have a vision for your future which is great (it took me a year to get that).
I think you know in your heart that this is the best thing for the kids, to get them out of an emotionally abusive household.
Yes moving will be difficult, but parenting might even be easier if he's in another country.

Good Luck.

Newly, TY for your reply. It will hit me later tonight.. I can feel it building by the millisecond already!

I need a great attorney (my H hired a major firm ($$$$$$$$$!!!!!!!) and I need a bulldog to take him on.
Would you say that yours is a good attorney? We are in same county..... you can email me instead of posting if you prefer.
Thanks!

<small>[ June 10, 2003, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: OneTimeLucy ]</small>

Are you in the same county as ME!
Yes, I'll talk about my lawyer. He's great.
I'm definitely low bucks compared to his regular clients. He plays strong, and he knows the players & the rules.
I tried to play nice at first and went with a female bulldog. She was HORRIBLE. She dragged out the process and did nothing. It wasted probably a year.

Don't play nice, you are fighting for your kid's future.

Give me you e-mail address and I'll respond.

Lucy - I know exactly what you are going through. I found the copy of the check written to his lawyer and waited three weeks before I was served the papers. My H told me they were coming and I planned dumb. In the mean time I had already seen 4 lawyers to find the "right" one to use. Do waste any time thinking you may not get the papers. Line a lawyer up that you are comfortable with and most of them do not ask for a retainer until you are either ready to file or are served with the summons. Even though you will go through major emotions don't let your H know it. He doesn't care. I tried the tears the being overly nice etc. and it got me no where. Instead he stays at his GF's house 2 1/2 days a week and puts the affair in my face all of the time. My 4 year has been exposed to the other woman and is beginning to realize that Daddy doesn't come home like other Dad's. He will play bit time mind games on you. And yes it is abuse. It's emotional abuse and sometime this type is worse. One day they make you think there is still a possiblity of working it out and then the next day they treat you like crap. Put the act on as the good wife and get even with him in court. Just because he has a high priced lawyer doesn't mean anything. Divorce laws are pretty clear. Don't let on that you know and when you do get served don't tell him. Just call your lawyer and proceed with the paperwork. The day I was served I had an appointment the next day and started my paperwork. Because I don't want the divorce I figured let me get all of the paperwork done and I just have to worry about my daughter and myself. If he decides to stop the Divorce fine if not I am ready to take him on in court and he doesn't have a clue what I have planned and how much I am will to attempt to take from him. I refuse to go away quietly just because he wants me to. I have my self respect and most of all my Daughter to think about and teach.

Newly ------- Trying to figure out how to get email linked here ... but it is RunWithSciss0rs1@aol.com
Thanks much, I want to set up appointments as I am leaving for 2 weeks vacation next Friday. (20th)

Good morning,

Rough night last night... no sleep here. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ so tired now.

H finally told me last night that he was "going to file". He doesn't realize that I already saw the papers on his desk and know that it's already day 12.... I'm thinking he should have had this conversation BEFORE he filed, not 12 days after the fact. I expect the papers to be arriving any day this week... though I think he is having them served to my previous attorney, who is no longer my attorney. (oops on his part!) Guess that will slow things up.
We had a little chat. Once again, it's ALL my fault that this marriage is ending. It was a 1 way chat ~ him saying yet again how good he is, what all he does, how disappointed he is in life and both me and the girls. (They are not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not caring enough, not productive enough.. blah blah blah) He takes no responsibility in this divorce whatsoever.

He did share with me that he'll NEVER be able to have another relationship because of how badly this marriage has gone, which is laughable because I found that mushy love letter from his honey in Germany. Another example of H always needing to appear "right" and as a "better person" than me. He'll soon find out that I know about his girlfriend, in my papers.

I was hoping for a more constructive two sided conversation with him about ways to look for healing, things to do to try to keep this family together. (This is/was the number one important thing for me.. to keep this family together). He is only interested in blaming. And you can't get through to someone who doesn't hear what you are saying. Every sentence I said was met with 10 sentences back of blame. I expressed my genuine apologies for my mistakes in this relationship... I heard back how I should be sorry and then a list of at least 20 more things that I said or did 'wrong' in the past. I heard no apologies from him.. I did hear repetitious rationalizations of how all he's ever done was always the right choice (or that he had NO choices) He will never accept responsibility for his part in this.

It's so impossible to communicate with a self-centered, self-righteous person... they hear only enough to turn words around into an argument or a defense.

I am hoping that I can get away to vacation before getting the papers.. will buy me more time in finding my attorney.

I am so sad today that these 21 years were wasted. I wish we both could have been better spouses. I wish he could have been here for us more often, instead of being married to his job. I wish he could have been less controlling, less self-centered, and more of a family person.

I hope this sad, frozen, scared, unknowing state of mind passes quickly. I look at my girls and I feel like I have cheated them out of the happy family life that they deserve. I am sad for myself, but mostly for them.