Note that I didn't put "co-parenting" because that would take cooperation and communication, which he is incapable of doing.

I'm tired of how long this is dragging out. He refuses to discuss sale of the house, and DD starts first grade in the fall and I need to move by September 1. He doesn't think about this stuff or is just unconcerned by it.
He gave me two weeks notice for a vacation, and the girls have their year end school party, and two birthday parties planned for that weekend.
He doesn't care.
He also won't say whether he's going to the Kindergarten graduation or donuts with daddy. What an [censored]. My girls were almost in tears last year when he was the only father who didn't go for donuts with daddy.

It's all about him. I wish he'd put the children's interest and feelings first. Will he ever understand this? The new parenting schedule (recommended by the court ordered evaluator) was implemented this weekend. He told the girls, "Mommy changed the schedule so I don't have as much time with you". He told me he said this to my face. This shows me he's read nothing on how to talk to your children about these issues.

This is my vent. Any ideas on how to deal with an AH would be greatly appreciated. Communication doesn't work, he's incapable.

yep, it sucks, hugh?

All we can do really is accept and feel the feelings and then release them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's all about him. I wish he'd put the children's interest and feelings first. Will he ever understand this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, he thinks its all about him. No he probably won't ever put the children's interest/feelings first. no he probably won't ever understand this. What a drag, hugh? All we can do is change what we have control over, acknowledge the hurt for your kids and teach them to live with these types of people cause that is the real world.

You can let your kids know that he is angry and just expressing his anger. you can let them know its okay for him to be angry at you but you wish he would express it differently but he probably won't. Tell them you feel sad he feels like you changed the schedule to spend less time with them because that is not the case but if that how he feels then there is nothing you can do to change that.

I'm not trying to minimize what your going through. I'm going through the same thing. I'm just sharing your frustration while accepting the facts and the way things are. Cry with your girls thats about all you can do. Cry but then let them know that even though it is sad, it is not debilitating and you guys can laugh and go on in spite of his actions.

<small>[ June 10, 2003, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]</small>

newly -

Sorry, I don't have any advice for you on this one. I know you had mentioned earlier you were going to try to buy a house while the divorce was proceeding. Are you still planning to?

No, the house fell through. The seller cut a deal on the side, which is extremely unethical, but not illegal because we were not out of attorney review.

I want things settled. I know there are parent's on each side who manipulate the kids and don't think of their best interests. Well, stop it. It does matter. The kids are the most important piece of our lives.

And now AH won't let the girls finish their last two nights of Rainbows classes. He doesn't see how much these classes matter to the girls. Even though he has his counselor meeting tonight. He didn't bother to reschedule that when he has the girls.

newly, I hear you, I really do. I understand your frustration but I don't think you have come to an acceptance of how things really are. The kids are the most important piece of your life but they are not the most important thing in his life nor will they ever be - he is the most important thing in his life.

The only thing it will show the girls if he takes them out of Rainbow classes is that it will show them who their dad really is. Then at some point they will have a choice not to go to his place.

You can't change him and you can't make him think like you do and the more you try and the more he realizes it bothers you, the more he will do it.

Sorry your going through this. Hang in there.

Newly - join the Spouses Jerk Club. I am dealing with a lot of jerkiness from my x-husband. Yes, we are divorced, as of Friday. I just found out he let our house insurance go here, and now I have no house insurance. Getting action going, and I will have insurance by the end of the day or tomorrow. First thing on my agenda. Part of SNL's theory, is let things go, don't do anything about it, don't say anything and just let it go. Well, he is doing a great job at what he usually does, PROCRASTINATION!!!!!!! And he doesn't care if I have no insurance on this house.

Newly, there will be more to come, and it will get worse. More denial, more control, more manipulation is what the wayward spouse does. I have seen so much of what my x-husband is doing, to this morning, more of the same crap.

Newly, take control, just offer to your tbxhusband events of your children. If he wants to go then that is his choice. If he chooses to not attend that is his choice. I should of done this a long time ago. Just tell my x, this is what is happening, and if he forgets that is his problem. If he chooses, that is his problem. See all my married life, I had to go first to the places and save him a seat. Or call him on the cell phone when one of my children were up on stage. He wouldn't sit through the whole event, but place his body there for the children to see that dad is there.

No more, just one voice message, that my child is doing this or that on that date. If he forgets, that is his problem.

Newly, this is difficult, and yes I am venting, cause SNL has really taken the cake, icing, candles today.

So glad to have all this over, totally, and moving on my way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> the more he realizes it bothers you, the more he will do it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I just had a long conversation with a friend about "Letting Go". I should have no expectations of him. I just wish I saw him act in the manner that he really believes he acts.

And you are right above too. He knows his non-answers to questions bothers me, so he refuses to resolve anything.

Thanks. I definitely need to reframe this situation. I didn't realize how much the loss of the new house upset me, but it leaves me wondering where I'll live this fall, and I desparately wanted to get settled for the school year.

May God bless all of us on these MB boards, and thank him for his help.

There is an excellent devotional by Melody Beaty that helps me called "The Language of Letting Go"

Thank you, and I've read her other books.

Newly, This too, shall pass. I don't mean he won't continue to be a jerk. He will, probably, always be one. The difference between now and the future is that he will, in all likelihood, get tired of parenting and you will have the children to yourself. While it's a mixed blessing, believe me, it's a vast improvement over the tug-of-war that you're in right now.

My x and I divorced 13 years ago. At the time, my x was sooooo interested in being "there" for the kids. He was soooo interested in exercising his visitation to the fullest. I decided to "overdose" him. I didn't just give him every other weekend and every Wednesday night, I gave him so much time with the kids that he realized just how much work "visitation" really was. I gave him so much time with them, that being Disneyland Dad got too expensive and he had to figure out how to keep them occupied without spending a fortune doing it. He had to figure out homework and meals and laundry and all those other things that go along with being a "hands on" parent. He had to figure out the carpool schedules, the baseball games, the costume fittings, the bed times, and YES...the discipline. Hey, I'd been doing it for 10 years by the time we divorced. I could have done it in my sleep. He had a far rougher time of it, and, eventually became "too busy" to parent. The last time he even attempted to "exercise" visitation, my nearly 24 year old DS, was barely 14.

In the end, my DH and I raised the kids ourselves for the last 12+ years. Do the math...for one SINGLE solitary year, the kids were the most important thing to my x <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and by the next year he was "going on" with his life.

My x would tell you that it's MY fault he wasn't involved in the kids' lives because I moved them away (I did)...but, he likes to forget that he was always too busy with his other women while we were still married, so he hardly saw the kids at all when he was still LIVING with them. Heck, my kids didn't even know the man by the time we divorced.

All three of my children adjusted wonderfully to living with a step-parent and they caused us ZERO problems even when they were teens. They also consider my DH to be their "real" Dad. He's the one who pulled out splinters, picked out prom dresses, gave driving lessons, celebrated accomplishments, intimidated boyfriends, and came home to them (and me) EVERY single night.

Life is full of surprises Newly. Things will get easier. Some things may get harder, temporarily, but look at it this way...It's far easier to divorced from a jerk, than still married to one.

Hugs,
BTM

I too share custody with a jerk. "Co-parenting" to him means his girlfriend of the month picks out our daughters grad dress....or while the other child has a broken thumb, he'll take her "bowling to get your mind off it" -- oh yeah..the list goes on and on.

I learned over the past years a very important lesson -- no matter what I did, or said, it would make NO difference to the way he thinks or acts. The best thing I ever did for my kids was act as a responsible parent myself. The Disneydad Syndrome does wear off. The kids do realize what their dads are like, and they understand totally who is there for them. The lessons for the kids are hard and although we try our hardest to protect their feelings (and I still do), sometimes the lessons they will remember for the rest of their lives hurt the most. Reality.

Thanks so much for this thread. It was a reminder to me that what I am doing is right. My daughter turned 20 this past weekend. As she had her arms wrapped around my neck, she whispered in my ear that she loved me. This came from a young woman who four years ago wanted NOTHING to do with me. No telephone calls, no visits and hatred spewing from her mouth because of the lies her father told her.

Yes -- they do come around. Painfully at times, but they do. Letting go of my vision of the "dad" I have envisioned was the first step. He wasn't and never will be capable of being anything else other than a sperm donor. You are doing the best you can! It will pay off. And...as you read from the rest of the posts, it does get better!

Elan,
Thank you for your post, because I need to see the other side.
And I had a long conversation with a friend yesterday about "Letting Go" and your comments are consistent.
I know he loves the girls (in his own way). I pray that they are safe when they are with him. I can do no more than that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> know there are parent's on each side who manipulate the kids and don't think of their best interests. Well, stop it. It does matter. The kids are the most important piece of our lives.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen...... Sorry for what you are going through. As you know my ExW is acting just like your AH....Are the kids seeing a PC/P? Have you yourself looked in to this?

Don't know what to tell you as I have not solved my own crisis yet.... but I agree. It is not about the parent it is about the children.....

George, thanks for posting. I felt like you were attacking me last week, although I feel like I understand you more through your posts. I believe that you are a good, involved father. And sometimes the kids feel that they need to protect their parent (M) because they are not acting like an adult.

I just got the phone numbers for counseling for the girls. Remember that they are young, and when I called about counseling last year, I was told to wait until about age 6.

And I was upset that STBX wouldn't let the girls complete their Rainbows program this year, but I need to let that go. I believe it is beneficial for the girls, but that's just my opinion.

I appreciate everyone's viewpoint on these boards.

I have an xwife that does a lot of things listed on this post. The disney concept is a good one. So is the concept of if you ignor it, it wil go away, procrastination.

My girls love being with me. I am 26 days from having a equal time arrangement, 156/209. I comes down to one day a week difference. They notice that difference. They ask why we don't just stay with you one week then mommy one week. I did tell them it is because mommy doesn't want it that way. She filed for sole custody.

I am having a hard time dealing with an unreasonable person. Good luck to everyone.

It is hard! How does one deal with a so called father who is not to even have contact with his daughter, who sends a birthday card one year that says he hopes she learns to forgive, and then this year sends a shirt and a card that says how much he misses her and thinks about her and if she wants to talk to call? The kid is in residential therapy because of his abuse; he just keeps on pushing every button he can.

The younger daughter, who he can call one night a week, hasn't had a call from him since November 2002. She doesn't mind; actually she prefers no contact.

Dippy rides to the house across the street on his Harley and revs it so that we know he is there, then he does it again so we know he is gone. We don't even look out anymore, lol.

Fortunately, I did get a statement from the judge in our final settlement that Dippy has absolutely no reason to step foot on my property for his entire lifetime.

Guess I have it a bit easier because we have so many safety measures going, but he's still a jerk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Lori

Wow...

I read all the messages in this thread (took me a while LOL).

Each day I feel less angry and bitter about how shamefully my husband is behaving. His selfishness, going long periods of time without contacting the kids at all, saying he was "over you guys, had closure, and had gotten on with life" only one week after moving out, admitting he doesn't want to see the kids if visitation can't be used to force me to be in his presence, and now BRIBING them by offering them $20 each every time they visit him, etc. is so ugly.

The kids are increasingly disgusted with him. But I explain that he's got problems and we pray for him. Not that I'm excusing the choices he's made, or would consider taking him back, but I understand how he got the way he is and even (sometimes) forgive him.

More importantly I assure them that whatever motivates him to be so callous and selfish, it isn't because we weren't good enough to deserve his love, repsect and committment. There are unfair consequences that he has unflicted on us because of his selfish choices, but we can still have fun and be happy. If we want to go to the drive-in movies now we don't have to try to talk him ino getting away from the tv and computer for a few hours LOL.

dear newly and others---i have been through all that you speak of and then some. my son is now 13(from my first marriage, divorced now for 12 yrs.) he at thirteen is going through some tough stuff, and of course now wants to live with his dad. this has been going on for a yr or more. it is normal, the grass is allways greener with the disneyland parent. i have told his father of this and his reply was "NO WAY". not that this surprised me, he has never been there for him, but i was kinda hoping this would be a wake-up call for both of them! lol

i asked son if he ever asked father about moving in with him, he finally told me yesterday that he had, and his dad told him he couldnt take him cause mom(me) wouldnt pay the child support. my ex lives in his mothers basement-he is 40-not a finished basement, just basement. i live in a 300,000.oo dollar house with all that goes with it. the support is barely 300.00 a month.

what shocked me is son believed this. i know someday he will get it, it just hurts to see him lied to continuesly.

my advice--as far as parenting with a jerk....

if they weren't such jerks, wouldnt we still be married to them????

live a good life and love the kids....its all you can do.

darn it! Dippy actually called the younger D this evening. She didn't want to pick up, let him leave a whole message and I said to answer it. He babbled on about her bday present, should he give it to her before or wait until later, asked about school (last day was today), had no idea what grade she is in. Then asked if he should make an appointment with the counselor when she gets back from summer break and see her again since it has been nearly a year.

She (11 years old)was so cool and collected, just kept IMing her friends, had one hand doing the the universal symbol for "yapping", and just telling him, "whatever, she really didn't care what he did". She hung up and said, "What a loser". I just kind of shook my head in amazement and asked her if she was OK, she said it was no problem, she just would have rather not spoken to him at all.

We listened to his message on the machine, he was cheerful and acted like he called all the time, not since November of 2002. Must have been an act he was putting on for someone.

I'm expecting this to be the first in another long run for him to get custody. Knew it would happen when he found out about what CS he should be paying. All about money as far as he is concerned. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Lori

Bangarra, its also the weekend of Father's Day, and maybe he realized he's a father of someone.
My STBX didn't take the girls with Donuts with Daddy at school today, even though I gave him notice. His loss. The court ordered psychologist suggested that I start a "parenting journal" of issues like this so that when/if he wants to increase custody or if it comes up in counseling, I will have documentation.
I'd do the same if I were you.