This is my only divorce and it was final in February. I feel funny, protective of stuff when the X comes around. I usually feel that she is trying to cut in on my turf. Is this normal?

Kind of difficult to answer without knowing details of your situation - how your divorce went; possibly the reasons for it may play into your feelings too. Some divorced people remain friendly, while others have a lot of animosity between them.

Is there a reason for your X to come around you?

If you divided property and you're both OK with that solution, then those feelings will probably go away with time. Although some of the more Freudian thinkers may say if you feel that way, then maybe you are overprotective of your "turf" cuz you didn't get a fair settlement....

It was an ugly divorce. She filed for sole custody. I came out 45/55. She wouldn't settle for an equal split finacially. She got far less than half in court. She hardly got any furniture and I have the house. On top of all that she only get's 218 a month in CS for two girls. To say the least she didn't come out as well as she planed when she filed for a divorce.

The reason we are so involved with each other still is becasue of the girls. I coach Basketball, Floor Hockey and Softball. We see each other at all the sporting events. For 5 years she never helped me w/ coaching. Now that we are divorced she feels she needs to lend a hand. I feel that she is doing it to push my buttons instead of trying to help the kids.

The other thing that bothers me is when she left in May 2002 she dropped off the face of the planet and didn't talk to any of our friends. A year later we are divorced, she has a guy and she acts so happy to see everyone. Like nothing happened. The part that bothers me is my friends know what she did to me. The many affairs, cheating and lieing. Yet they greet her as a friend. Is this something I just need to deal with?

STP,

Yep, you are going to have to get used to a few things. Splitting the sheets is easy. Financial settlements are comparitively easy too. Splitting up the furniture just isn't quite the same as splitting up the friends. Soooo, the question is likely to be: "Who gets the friends?"

We all experience that. The long and short of it is this, the folks that were really your friends before your divorce will still be your friends after the divorce. Don't expect them to take sides, expect some that do take sides will seem to be two faced, and commiserate with both of you.

Just to share a little of our situation, I wound up being the custodial parent. I pretty much put my social life on hold until I had the three kids raised and educated. I too had to work along with their mother from time to time, after a while you will get used to it. The end result is that the three children are entitled to both parents, and in our case, have a pretty good relationship with both of us today.

It is hind sight, but my ex isn't the worst person in the world, she is a pretty good mother and now a pretty good grandmother. But even after nearly twenty years of being divorced, three or four hours in the same building with her is enough to do me for quite a while. I still thank God that I'm no longer married to her. And I'll bet my house she thanks God she is no longer married to me too.

She is still the mother of my children. I still send along something appropriate on her birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day.

And where women are concerned, why, I'm still as lost as a goat in a hailstorm.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is this something I just need to deal with? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, its called letting go and/or forgiving.
I need to start doing this.
A counselor said it is good for the children to see the parents cooperate. So it is probably a good thing that she is involved with their sports and you can both enjoy their participation.

There are many things my H didn't do before the split that I'm certain he does now with respect to parenting. However, I don't see it. I can only pray that he's now a better father to the girls. He demanded a 50/50 split (I believe for financial reasons), but its now 1/3 / 2/3 per a recommendation. I hope my STBX can become the involved father that I see in so many on this board.

I understand that I need to get used to it because it is a new way of life. I guess everyone experiences the funny feelings I get when the X comes around. Do you think she feels the same way? I've been told that her nasty outlook on me is denial that she strayed so many times and is responsible for the divorce. This tidbit was from a conselor. If anyone could please get out their crystal ball and tell me if she will ever get nice?

As far as personal life goes I'm out there. My girls, 10yo, twins, have no idea that I ever gone out on a date. I don't want them to even get remotely attached to anyone until I get seriously attached to someone. I'm not rushing things.

Thanks for all the help.

She will only be "nice" when she accepts responsibility for her part in the deterioration of the marriage, and deals with her own personal issues.
If she is going to a counselor, you may see progress. Or she may show progress around other people, but you will be the last on the list.

Cooperate for the children.