I am starting a new topic so all can see and answer. I found where my ex-WH viewed pornography about rapes on my computer last July. Is this a normal thing to look at if you are viewing pornography or is it dangerous? I feel very unsettled about it and don't know what to do about it. He was NEVER in the least bit forceful with me...but this was viewed in July (I guess it could have happened before- he erased a lot of files) and his affair started in August. Before anyone hits me with a 2x4 and says we are divorced, my main issue is- since he is viewing things about rape, do I need to inform anyone of what he has viewed - could this end up being destructive to OW or OC? I am most worried about OC's well being- I know she is not my responsibility, but I would hate for ex-WH to go off the deep end and me not have done anything about it. I feel sick insinuating that he would do anything harmful, especially to his own child, he was always VERY good with my nieces, nothing EVER inappropriate or weird, so I don't think he would do anything- however, I also know that addictions can get totally out of hand and the fact that he looked at sites on rape when he knows I was sexually assaulted in 1997- well that is just scary to me. This is a man who is leading 2 lives- what if one life takes over before he gets help? HE is very passive about doing any kind of action. Do I confront him with this info, do I warn OW (which I normally would think is ludicrous), or do I keep my mouth shut and pray?
If I confront him do I get a deadline for him to get help and say if he doesn't, then I will tell someone myself?
[ June 10, 2003, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]

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adgirl48
married 11/4/00 dated since 7/24/97
BS 26, ex-WH 28
D-day 8/20/02, with married co-worker he had only known since 7/12/02
D-day #2 2/15/03, found out she is pregnant- they had resumed in Oct and Nov. Husband wants to try to reconcile
I also still wanted to reconcile- but 2/23/03 ex-WH says he has to be a father instead of my husband
D final 3/05/03
OC due in August
OW 26, has 2.5 year old, divorced 12/18/02, left her son with ex-only sees son every other weekend
ex-WH still very confused- not knowing what to do- says he is trying to rely on God..
6/2/03- ex-Wh admits to 16 YEAR pornography addiction- I was clueless. Now the distance between us makes more sense. Not sure he wants to listen to God- very confused.
Ps. 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Let it go.....let it go.....let it go. EXs will always do things that irritate you, but guess what??? THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO...YOU ARE DIVORCED!!!!!!

If you were sexually assalted perhaps he looked there to see what it was like..who knows.but why not check to see if there were any rapes around the dates that he was frequenting those sites.

what is your biggest fear? what are you really of finding out what would be the worst for you?

I use to have some fears that my husband commited a hideous crime because he had told me this after we were married or I would not of married him..he was in a boys place boys republic for stealing a cigarette machine him and friends did it..
then he robbed a place..just kids..then he had the choice then navy or jail because he was no longer a juvinille and his record was wiped clean..
that was bad enough for me to hear..
then he said the worse thing he did..was he was out with his buddies on leave.and they were on their motorcycles and they came across a guy who ran into a telephone pole...I asked him what happend to him...he said he hit it..and his eye was hanging out..so I asked him was he dead on impact...he looks at me and says, Dead??!! Hell no he was still alive...so I asked did you guys help him, NO...he says..he said he was going to die and we figured he wouldn't want to live with his eye like that..oh I felt soooo sick..
then to top it all off he said they stole his tools..I didn't know what to do as I had no idea where this took place.but from that day foward I lived with such a fear of him and watched my kids..cannot believe he or anyone could do that..to someone..he said there wasn't much else wrong with him..I told him he probably had a concussion..geeez..is that sick or what..
I think it happened in North Carolina or So..not sure he was always vauge about it saying he didn't remember..or the year even..but I do know it had to be between 58 and early 60 cause I met him after he got out of the brigg for going awol..and I didn't know that till after we were married tooooo...he made up the time..I married one of those..bad boy bad boys whatcha gonnna do when they come for you..yeah..exciting..scared most of the time he would stab me..he spent everyday sharpening a knife buck knife and that is when we were watching tv..him in his recliner sharpening the knife we did not bother him..for nothing..did not talk..he intimidated us..I didn't realize that till 6 years ago..I bet that knife would cut through leather like butter...

I am not even sure whose post I am on..I think I am in a what do you call this thing of remembering..stuff..tucked it away and forgot some stuff...the guy in the car.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

take care...ohhh geez this is the ques about pornography thing..well this goes to show you how we do not know them like we thought we did..I guess I remembered this again right now..so I can tell you to be careful too..but then I don't know what kind of people look at stuff like that..
I put a url for pornography with ted bundy..he use to look at junk worse then that det..stuff..
and also rape things..then would go do it..and kill them..

your probably safe..has he ever hit you, pretended to strangle you? want to act out a rape scene? talk to a therapist..check papers for rapes..then..Pray about it.
I need to go lay down..

Porn and fantasies of forced sex (*rape*) are pretty common in the porn world as a whole. For men who view it, it seldom indicates someone who actually wants to commit rape. For women who have the fantasy of being forced, it rarely means they want to endure anything like an actual rape - it is truly the fantasy of control (but in a controlled, we all know this is consensual type of way).

I agree with the others - let it go.

[QUOTE]6/2/03- ex-Wh admits to 16 YEAR pornography addiction- I was clueless. Now the distance between us makes more sense./QUOTE] .

this is on the end of your posts he wa already looking according to this..what he was really
looking at he will never tell you.

I think you are not his wife anymore..are you hoping she will put him out if you tell her about it?
hoping he will come back to you?

you will have to get others opinion on this one.
I think he is bad news for anyone..and maybe who knows he could have a split in his personality and
really does not remember some things..he is not your problem..get on with your freedom
breath enjoy your life go to the mall..see a movie go swimming join a womens spa..
Keep on Keeping on.....life is short...

Sadeyes,
I am sorry you are going through so much pain. I do not need to go through files to check on rapes around the time ex-WH was looking at that stuff- I know that he has not done anything. I was assaulted in 1997 and I dont' think he was thinking about that when he looked at stuff.
My biggest fear is that he will continue down a downward spiral and have God knows what happen. That is when I know I need to let go, because I can't control the outcome of his decisions. Only of mine. We have pushed and shoved each other a few times. But I wouldn't say we weren't both involved. And I would not call it a case of abuse. He has NEVER NEVER NEVER wanted to strangle me or act out a rape scene.

KS41, I think you are probably right and I appreciate your insight.

Sadeyes, Yes he was looking at pornography for 16 years but I didn't know it until 8 days ago. NO NO NO, I do not want to tell OW about this as any kind of control/revenge/tactic to get ex-WH back. I do have more self-esteem and self-like than that crap- I would NEVER reveal this kind of secret unless I thought OW was in danger. And to use something like this to get ex-wh back....well that would be pretty sick. Here is the thing. I don't know that I want him back- I certainly don't as he is now- I am just one to be a helper and I am worried about how his life will be. But I can't control that anymore. I think he is definitely bad news for anyone right now. I am worn out thinking of all the drama, and yes, I need to relax some for myself.