Hi all..I posted under "need advice" earlier, and I recieved some replies which I appreciate. Though a few seemed to think I am abused and I can tell you I am not, nor does anyone close to me think I am. My question is, I'm having severe second thoughts about my decision to leave my husband..and I'm wondering..can you be happy in a loveless marriage? My husband and I fight alot, don't have anything in common..and he isn't interested in me physically anymore, though he said he wouldn't leave me on his own. I can stay home with my son, and do whatever I want. I think I'm just scared of doing it on my own, of maybe never meeting anyone again, of seeing my son sad at the loss of his two parent home. My husband and I seperated once before at HIS insistence and it took me a while to move on, and I had..and was doing wonderful..but then he asked me back..it's been not quite 2 yrs since. I'm just so tired of the roller coaster, and sometimes I think maybe I oughta just accept the situation and stay. But then the romantic in me wonders what might be out there for me, and what would I be teaching my son. He has told me twice now, when very mad..he doesn't love me but only stays because of our child.
Confused..

Have you looked into counseling? If not for the both of you, then at least for yourself? It will definitely help you, and it might just help your husband and your marriage (even if he refuses to go). He may see you going regularly, he may notice some changes in you and it may spur him to go with you... You never know.

For me personally, I think every marriage goes through hard times - some times even to the point where the feelings of "in love" are gone. But if both people have the desire to work on the marriage, those feelings can and often do "come back". I'm a glutton for punishment I think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , so I would stay in a marriage until there was no possible hope for success. (plus I don't believe in divorce, even though I am divorced).

This probably wasn't much help... How about I say a prayer for you instead... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

May God grant you the wisdom to make the right choices and decisions in this time of turmoil.

Mike

I agree. It sounds like you two are at a stalemate. A third party who knows what they are doing (counselor) should help.

Or if you could both agree to go thru something like "His Needs, Her Needs" together, maybe it would help bring back the love you once had.

As well, the Harleys do phone counseling. Maybe even one or two times with them might get things rolling in the right direction.

Like SoTired2000 says, I don't believe in divorce either (even tho I'm divorced). I believe that once you've made the marriage commitment, you do EVERYTHING in your power and try ALL THINGS to make it work. I don't believe in an escape hatch for marriage (even tho my x-H did).

The best thing to do in a loveless marriage is....try to bring the love back! Remember, the grass isn't greener out there....it's greener where you water it! You've gotta try!

I understand that it is hard...and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Pray that the Lord will soften your husband's heart and give him the desire to want to make your marriage better. If you even see one little glimpse of that, go for it lady! Make an appt. at a counselor!

Aloha,
Ms.O

C&L - you two married because you had the love and respect for each other. All marriages go through a though time. I would suggest counseling with a 3rd party. You could get the love back, but it needs to be the two of you wanting to work on it. If only one works on it, it won't happen. That is what happened to my marriage. We are now officially divorced since Friday. I wanted the marriage so bad, and and he didn't. He only wanted the physical me, and we had sex, but there was nothing in it for me. I felt used, and I felt he only had me cause I was the first available person. There would be times I would lay in bed next to him, and he would say stupid things like, a woman in my bed makes me wild. And then he would start groping and such. I finally one day said there was nothing on my end. I felt he used me and that was it.

Work on the marriage, if you two want the marriage, but are scared, get counseling, and ifyou can afford it, counsel with the Harleys, and do the books.

You both said vows in front of God. When you divorce you commit sin. I have committed sin, by our divorce, but I had no other solution. My husband was done with me, after he found his bimbo. And so therefore I am now officially a divorced woman. A single mother, and a very financially poor woman.

Faith4me,

Careful.. Divorcing is not a sin in and of itself. It is the adulterous relationships that occur afterwards. God does not have a problem with a married couple living separate lives away from each other. Divorce is a man-made process and for cases other than those outlined in the Bible, God simply does not recognize a divorce. So if a person divorces for no valid reason and remarries, the divorce is not the sin, it is the new relationship that is the sin...

What are valid reasons seems to be a never-ending debate amongst believers all over the world...

But in general I just don't believe in it...

So according to your belief, because I am his second wife..our relationship is based on sin? I'm not sure I agree with that, but there seem to be some deeply religious people on the board, and I completely respect that and appreciate your feedback.
I'm not sure if anyone on this particular thread read my original post under "need advice"..but I have tried counseling, my husband was a minister at one point (before he met and married me) and conducted marriage counseling sessions, he says that he knows what will be said. He is being VERY generous right now with money, and offering to help me however he can to get me on my feet..it's almost like we are buddies? He told me he is sorry he wasted so much of my time. Part of me wants to reach out and say let's try..but in the back of my mind I think..I'll never trust him, I'll always wonder what he is really doing when he is out, or online at work..and I'll always hear the awful things he has called me, and that he's only with me because of our child. I think divorce is way to high, and I think they are way to easy to get, and that people give up way to easy..but we've been together almost 5yrs and it's been bad since day 1..literally. I'm just at a loss, I'm scared, I'm lonely..and plain unsure.

Wow....I was going to post that too, but didn't want to open a can-o-worms! HA!

In fact, God divorced Israel for her adultrous behavior, so therefore, divorcing because of adultry cannot be a sin...or God would have been sinning. (See Jeremiah 3:7-9) While God hates divorce and God hates sin, divorce does not necessarily equal sin. It's the adultrous behaviour (that many divorces result in) that God is grieved with and is sin.

It's good to clarify this, although many, many Christians wouldn't agree with me. Weird to...because it's right there in the Bible that God did it.

Thanks for mentioning this.
Aloha,
Ms.O

Confused & Lonely,

According to your other post, your husband's 1st marriage ended because of his adultry, right? So, and I don't want to be judgemental, but according to the Bible, that unless his 1st wife has remarried/or committed adultry, your marriage would be considered adultrous. I'm not God (duh!); that's just how I read the Bible on this particular subject (that is if I have the facts straight). I hate to even say this tho, because I don't want to give you any more "fuel for the fire" of divorcing him. I'm not sure two wrongs make a right.

I also want to let you know that I really, really feel for you. I can feel your confusion and pain. And I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you. Wish I could offer more advice.

It sounds like to me that your H has a hardened heart. He KNOWS what's right, esp. if he was once a pastor, he just doesn't want to choose it. The fact that he doesn't think counseling will help because he knows what they'll say, show you right there that he's hardened his heart.

All I can say is to pray. Pray that the Lord will soften his heart. I know that isn't very practical, but sometimes is the only thing left to do. Are you a Christian?

Take care and keep posting here. It will help. My thoughts are with you.

Aloha,
Ms.O

PS I also feel that you need to follow-up on finding out if he is carrying on an internet affair. You can't just stuff that e-mail from that woman and think it'll go away. You H is flirting with something...."open marriages" and e-mails from strange women are clues here. You need to follow-up on those, not to mention your own gut feelings about not being able to trust him.

<small>[ June 11, 2003, 06:18 PM: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</small>

Thanks once again for your replies, they give me much to think about. As for your questions, yes I am a Christian, but not as devout as I should be. His wife has remarried, and he did indeed divorce due to adultery. As for investigating further..he no longer uses the computer, to my knowledge, at home..so at work who knows what he is up to. As for the email from that women..I emailed her twice with questions, and she "told" me to leave her alone and then told my husband I was harrassing HER. I'm not very savvy so I don't know how to dig thru the computer. Anyway, because there have been lies since day 1, I just don't know that I would ever trust him. As for love..I met him at a very desperate time and he wasn't quite divorced from his first wife..how we ended up together I don't really know..so maybe the right stuff wasn't there to begin with?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Confused&Lonely:
<strong>..so maybe the right stuff wasn't there to begin with?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That sounds about right. But it doesn't mean the marriage can't work...it'll just take a little extra work and alot of submitting to the Lord.

I wish I had some wise word to share with you. Again, all I can say is "seek God." Draw close to Him and He will draw close to you (James 4:8).

Ask the Lord to show you a way out of this mess (and I don't mean divorce). Ask Him specifically if there's anything you should be doing. Come to him, confessing your sins and cleansing your heart and let Him comfort you. Ask Him to reveal things to you to help you. Tell Him exactly how you feel....exactly!

Pray for your husband. There is a great little book called"Praying God's Will for My Husband" by Lee Roberts, that might help you get started.

You know, whatever God lays His hands on, lives. Ask God to lay His hands on your husband...on your marriage. It's never too late with God.

I hope I don't sound too preachy....I just know that He holds the key to our happiness and when we desparately need that key, He has it.

I will be praying for you, C&L. I'm not anywhere near your situation, but I feel close to you and am facing my own uncertain future on my own, with decisions that I feel unable to make at times. I'm trying to just take one day at a time and seek God for each day, for each thing that comes along and trying to stay close to Him thru prayer, meditation and Bible reading. It's all I can do.

Take care,
Aloha,
Ms.O

<small>[ June 11, 2003, 08:32 PM: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</small>

Confused&Lonely,

Just to clarify, I would never stand in judgement of you or your past divorce or any divorce. Hey, I'm divorced and I feel called to be married again one day. My faith and religious beliefs are personal to me, as they are to everyone else. I would never try to push my beliefs on any other situation. Believe me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Every situation is different and we all have only ONE person that we will have to answer to one day. We shouldn't waste our precious time here judging others...

My point was just to clarify that "divorce" in and of itself is not a sin...

AND WHO KNOWS who is right about the whole issue? haha... we may all get to heaven and God may say "I don't know what you all were being so anal about..." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But one belief I do share is that God can bring love into ANY marriage. But it takes both individuals together to ask for that love to enter their lives. So the romantic, optimist me believes any relationship can be saved - there is always hope.

God Bless,
Mike

When you divorce you commit sin.
Where’d you read that?