Tough week----I have the papers to signe to take my name off the deed and this is really making me very weepy. I can't even do it yet.

I cannot believe that one minute I own a house that I put my heart and soul into and then the next, it is no longer mine. Having trouble shutting out the feelings.

My M slowly died and each wrong step WS took, I cut loose little by little. My M ending felt like my arm was being cut off with a plastic knife-----(very painfully and slowly) but I feel like I have made such progress in letting go of the M.

The house we built was something I longed for and waited for a long time. We built our house in the 25th year of our M and to me, it was the best 25th anniversary present ever. It is so funny how all my longings stopped when we finally lived in the house and it was so satisfying to me to have that house. We developed the plans and it was only 1500 sq feet (I did not want to clean and care for a big house after my kids moved out)
I was so content with our house.....never wanted anything bigger or better. It was perfect to me. It was a haven of peace and comfort.

Strange thing-----I love my apartment and I think the gounds are more beautiful here than the land we had our house on and it is so comfortable, beautiful and quiet here. I love living here but I am not content. I keep needing and buying things (I don't know if I am buying cause I am still in need of things or I am trying to recreate that feeling of comfort and contentment I had at our house). I am buying new clothes cause some of real triggers for me.

Anyway, I know that I will weather this storm. I will have extra cash, but ya know, I don't really care about the money. It could buy me some new furniture, a vacation, pay-off car, invest for the future BUT none of that seems real important if you have no one to share it with. UGH---have I got the blues.

Thanks for letting me vent and release these feelings cause I know that I will identify some reasons why I feel like I do and that will make the emotional turmoil and pain lose its sting and its bite. I all ready see some things in this post that I have to think through more.

What is contentment? Who defines for me what contentment is? Where am I going? What does God have planned for me? Does He have hopes and dreams for His children? If this is just a temporal place to live, why do I get so attached? I feel like Job from the Bible.

TW

I cannot answer any of your questions TW. But I can offer hugs.

(((((((( tossedwave ))))))))

I am sorry that you are so down. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Karen

Thanks, Topie, I will survive as we all have on this board. I will find answers. God never leaves me hangin'.

How are you doing? Anything new with visitation or divorce proceedings? How are the boys doing?

I almost finished SELF MATTERS. how bout you?

TW

Tossedwave - to have a house together, that you both planned. And then to have one give up title to the other is so painful. That is what is going to happen to us. SNL does not get this house that we built. I put many hard hours into this house as well as he did. I really didn't plan too much, cause I have to see visual more than paper. He did most of the planning, with little imput from me. But I worked my butt off.

This was suppose to be our house, until we were ready to downsize and move into a smaller house or move out of state. Which I was ready to do.

But SNL took another course, and did not move off of his course. The wayward spouse path of denial.

I think that you are unsatisfied, and contentment is not there yet. Buying is an evil among evils. One of the things that was in the paper was when you feel the need to buy, you bring it home and then you throw something out of the house of equal size. So you buy a new outfit, get rid of one outfit. And give to charity. You think that material things will bring you comfort and contentment. But there is no contentment unless you of course are sure that you want to live the rest of your life by yourself. I don't think you do.

I don't. But I think I probably will. Cause the trust in men is at '0' right now. And I really don't have time to spend in meeting men, need to get school in gear, and get a parttime job when the Dr. okays.

Have you thought about joining a group, something that you like. I joined a toll painting class. It is really nice, just still can't focus on it like I would like to. Too many unfinished things here interfere with my train of thought. I did join the gym which SNL bought for me a year at $99. So I started that the last few days. And there is a walking group I would like to join. I thought of biking, but when I was on the elipse machine, I think that caused the spasm in my back. So for now I am going to let that slide, and do the walking group. I need to get a good pair of walking shoes, so I don't get shin splints, and a sore back. Just money is such an issue with me, with no income now.

There are literary clubs, and science groups. Have you thought about doing habitat for humanities. I sent for some info, and I am thinking of doing that this summer. Would love to have done this with SNL, wanted for him and I only to go. But now I will do this myself. If possible. Money is so tight, and just thinking of cheap things to do.

Also, there are organizations to get involved in, and many groups of different interests. I am looking into a road rally. Always thought that would be fun. And I might do that too. Just if it costs, can't do.

Your home is a safe zone. That is what you are trying to do, is make it a safe zone, for comfort and ease. To have an apartment with great grounds, and quietness is wonderful. And to set the inside of your home to your liking is important. Now you have created a safe zone. Now you can do some volunteer at the hospital, or foodbank, or something like that. Get involved with other caring people. People who have great compassion for others.

Your experiencing of sadness as you sign over the deed to the house is real. It is pain, in the heart, another arrow to stab your heart. The pain will always be there, but it will lessen as the years go on. That is what I am told, so I am going to try and believe it. As you grow into independence, and focus on yourself, and things that you like to do, you will become a happier person. I believe all of us betrayed spouses are not happy. I know I am not happy. I am sad, that my x-husband decided to follow the path of a sinner. But we can't change the past, and we can't change the person.

You are focusing on many years of living with someone, 25 years and to build your home. We were married for 25 years also. I know this hurts hon, and if I could I wooooould huggg.... you big time. Maybe, once a week you could set aside a time, or place that is just for you. Maybe you could set aside something special for just you. Like going to the bookstore and buying a book with a latte. Or maybe going to a movie with a frined. Or just taking a book and a blanket and go sit by the river or water, and read and nap. Taking special walks, or getting your hair done, or nails and toes done.

This is your time to concentrate on you. You are a good, lovely person. A person who was compassionate and considerate. You are a child of God, God loves you, and the sadness you are feeling is so real. I am sad quite a bit, and try to swallow the saddness. Somedays, I just cry and cry. I have to schedule those days, as my days are trying to survive from day to day. Tomorrow is my day to cry, and I will take time to let the stress out.

We all deserve better than this. We the ones that were committed to our marriage, and committed when we said our vows. Life is not fair, and God has done this for a reason. I don't know the ansewr, and right now, I can't think much about it. Just trying to survive and trying to keep food ont he table.

tossed,

I am sorry that you are feeling the way you are at this time!! But as you said you will work your way thorugh it, that is definately one thing we have all learned through this experience of divorce.

The attachment to the house is understandable, it was the dream that you had. You had seen yourself in your minds eye in that house for years to come with the kids, and grandkids coming to visit. The family gatherings and meals that would be shared, the anniversaries that were yet to come, those things you seen in your HOUSE with your HUSBAND and now those things can't happen because of the error of his ways. That is sad, it's almost like you need to grieve for the things that weren't but there in your minds eye. Did that make any sense? I could tell you in person so much better, I am not great with the written word!!!!

Take care, I see that you were already feeling better after typing, sometimes it's just needing to share those thoughts with others, and that is why we all loggin here at MB!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wow
Your post really hit home with me too! In 30 days my H will be able to file for D if that's what he wants....and I'm not sure what will happen to MY dream house at that point.
Daybreak said it so well:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The attachment to the house is understandable, it was the dream that you had. You had seen yourself in your minds eye in that house for years to come with the kids, and grandkids coming to visit. The family gatherings and meals that would be shared, the anniversaries that were yet to come, those things you seen in your HOUSE with your HUSBAND and now those things can't happen because of the error of his ways. That is sad, it's almost like you need to grieve for the things that weren't but there in your minds eye. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think those of us with longer marriages are in such a unique place when faced with the demise of our marriages. The shared history between us and our spouses and the life struggles that we've gone through in raising families, jobs, etc. makes it more difficult for us in a lot of ways, than for those who have been married shorter times.

All I know is that God is in control, and we just have to have faith in that. Remember, even Job was vindicated and restored to greater stature by the Lord, and was a great example of righteousness! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

have the papers to signe to take my name off the deed
If I may give a bit of advice.

Make sure she gets the house refinanced in her own name, without yours on the mortgage paperwork.

As it stands now, even though the house is "legally" hers, the mortgage co. doesn't care too much about that. As long as your name is on the loan paperwork, you owe them.

Look at it this way. If you buy a car with a loan, then sell it, you still owe the loan co. even though the title is in someone elses name.

<strong>How are you doing? </strong>

Pretty good, in general. The nice weather is helping... b/c it means I can get OUT with the boys more (we have to walk anywhere we go).
Since today is Wednesday.. that means it's "Playgroup" night after dinner. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Soon, when the twins are older, we'll add a "Library" day too.

<strong> Anything new with visitation or divorce proceedings? </strong>

I posted an update on GQII on Monday afternoon (June 9th):

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=024128

The next visitation is lined up for this Sunday... Father's Day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I'm still trying to be the better person, and have even gotten a card for H (from the boys) and a small token gift (from a dollar store) that Eric picked out on his own. Whether or not H will actually GET the gift, I don't know. It's up to the IL's (GRRRR <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) to give it to him.

<strong>How are the boys doing? </strong>

The boys are doing great. However, I may have a different answer come Sunday night after they return from visitation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> The last time they all went (on May 10th), they were NASTY little creatures when they came home... and it took quite a few DAYS to get them back to "normal". Sigh! Apparently this is a typical reaction.

<strong>I almost finished SELF MATTERS. how bout you?</strong>

I'll be ready to get into it again soon. However, since I've been away from it for so long, I think I'll start it from scratch.

When I reached that first big exercise on the 10 defining moments... it really opened up a lot of other issues in my life. So I read a book on ACOA's (adult children of alcoholics), and then moved onto Melody Beattie's "Co-dependent no more"... .which I haven't quite finished reading. Why? Because with some of the visitation issues coming up, I started reading a book called "What about the kids?" to learn more about the effects on children of divorce at different ages, and how to deal with issues... even years after the D. And now, I'm reading a book by Barbara Coloroso about dealing with crisis and children (D is only a small portion of that book... but b/c of the possible jail time that could happen to H, I thought it to be an appropriate read too).

But I am anxious to get back into the "Self Matters" book. Now that I'll have more time (less visits to the lawyers and counsellors), I can work it into my schedule more.

Thanks for asking TW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I hope you're having a better day today.

(((((((( tossedwave ))))))))

Karen

<small>[ June 11, 2003, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Topie25 ]</small>

Thanks everybody, I am feeling better today. Not crying everytime I think of signing the papers. It helped so much to get those thoughts out. I was able to talk to a friend yesterday, too, she is a repentant WS who is divorced. She let me cry when I tried to blubber through my feelings and that released a lot.

Things can be so deeply imbedded and they seem so HUGE if they stay in there.

Faith---Sorry you will have to go this road, too. Do you know how long you can stay in your house? The whole divorce thing would have been easier if I could have stayed in our house and lived with my cats. I am quite active but have to be careful of how much I do. If I get overtired, I can't sleep and then I get real weepy. I am planning to start some college courses for a degree. I also would like to volunteer as an usher at a theater in town that has many classical and theatrical performances. I work in a hospital so volunteering there is not for me. I have tons of friends but you know, they cannot substitute for a spouse. Thanks for the good advice.

Daybreak,
and grandkids coming to visit
Ouch!!!!! that's a real stinger. I do not have grandkids yet but before I moved this is one of the things that hurt so much to think about. I will not be able to share my house with my grandkids.
My son went to the house a couple of weeks ago and said, "Mom, it is depressing there. I don't wanna go there anymore."

Avondale---Sorry you might have to go through this. Anyway that you can keep your house? I have been M 34 years and I feel like I am trying to unravel all those years so I guess this will take some time. SO MUCH to put behind me.

Chris--thanks for bringing that to my attention. My lawyer advised me about the deed and how to be safe with getting the check but you are right, I need proof that I am off the mortgage. WH is refinancing and he has to go to a closing. The separation agreement spelled out the fact that I will not be a part owner of the house and have no part in his estate or financial debts and the bank needed to see the agreement. BUT I will check it further.

Topie---great to hear all the goings on in your life. I thought I was a reader. I tend to read like you do when there is a specific need or specific situation. Right now, my life is very easy (for the first time ever) so I don't have pressing things to learn.

Thanks to all for being there.

TW

tossed,

I am glad that you are feeling better today!!! Still hard I know. I didn't mean to touch on anything that would hurt, I am sorry!!!

One of the biggest thoughts that I had when thinking of xH and divorce was that I would not be the wife standing there with him thanking me for the years of support, kind of teed me off actually. I was there for 21 years, he wouldn't of even had the career if it hadn't been for me and when he retires (a big thing in the military, we've helped put alot of cermonies together for others retiring)it would be Ms Blimpo and her sister there, and they came late to the party!!!!

Being military and moving as much as we did, we never purchased a house, so the dream house hadn't come yet!!! I am making the house that I have my dream!!! But there where other dreams, in my minds eye, that aren't going to meet fruitation, so I guess I can relate!!!

Take care and have a terrific Thursday!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Strange thing happened---a godly church member died from a construction accident on a mission's trip to Poland. His funeral was today. There was alot of mention about "where are you going"? So I decided to read scripture tonight about heaven. 2 things jumped out---Jesus went to prepare a place for me in his Father's house AND IT HAS MANY ROOMS. (I like that) and the second, is that I am a citizen of heaven as it says in Phil 3:20 so why is the stuff here so important. I need to get persepective. I cannot continue to get so attached to what I obtain here. I know people who move constantly and they buy or build one house after another.

My son is IMming me and I cannot consetrate on this thread right now