I have been divorced since February and need advice/guidance.

First some background:

My ex and I were married for 9 years and have 4 kids. Three of which were from a previous marriage but I feel like are my own flesh and blood. The marriage was great for the most part until the last year. We just seemed to drift apart. She filed for D in November and was final in February. I tried everything I could think of in that time to restore our marriage, but nothing worked.

In March while I was on a business trip she called and told me that she had had an affair with a coworker for the last 6 months that we were married. Needless to say I was crushed beyond what I could have ever imagined. During the call she told me she had broken off the relationship because she still love me and that the reason she had filed for divorce was that she knew she didn't know what else to do and asked if I would be willing to go to counseling and restore our marriage.

I told her that I still loved her and that I was willing to work on restoring our marriage. After that, everthing seemed to be going great for about a month and then it seemed like overnight, she didn't want to have anything to do with restoring our relationship. Now, anytime I try to talk to her about our relationship, she tells me she cannot deal with any type of relationship other than with our kids right now.

I have been on my knees almost every night for the last few months praying for wisdom and patience and that God will heal our broken marriage.

I am so lonely and lost that I don't know what to do. I still love her with all of my heart and don't want to imagine a future without her.

Should I continue to pursue her or should I back off for a while?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I would wonder if she has reinitiated her affiar. Similar thing happened with my ex. 4 months but similar none-the-less. It was before we divorced, but the exact same type of behavior occurred. She swore up and down that there was no one else, but I found out she was with him within about a week of her filing.

<small>[ June 11, 2003, 01:44 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

I have wondered if the affair has begun again because she still works with the OM. I have asked her several times if she has continued to see him and she insists that she has not but obviously I don't have to much trust left in what she says. After I found out about the affair and visited and studied this site, I told her that if we had any chance of restoration she would have to find another job. She agreed and has been job hunting for about 2 1/2 months. She seems willing to go for the "complete break" from the OM, but I just don't know how to read her actions and words.

She is still seeing OM I guarantee ya. I have been there and done that. The EX wants ya back and talks about working things out for the family....only to turn 180 a short time later. I can always, and I mean always tell how my EXs relationship is going with the OM. She calls all the time when he isnt around and she lets herself go physically and appearance wise. When this married OM is available to her......she dresses nice, fixes herself up and doesnt call at all. She will not even return calls about the kids until she gets ready.

"I am so lonely and lost that I don't know what to do. I still love her with all of my heart and don't want to imagine a future without her."

Stop pursuing your wife. If she was serious about reconcilation she would have quit her job to show you that she was serious. You need to focus on yourself and make yourself into a happy and confident person. Go to therapy to address any emotional issues. Keep yourself busy by going out and socializing with other people. Buy yourself a new wardrobe. Get a new hairstyle. If you are loosing hair grow a ponytail. If you look good you will feel good. There are many clubs that you can join to meet people....hiking, rock climbing, dancing, etc. Over time you will feel stronger and less scared about facing a future without your wife. There is nothing more attractive and sexy than a man who is full of confidence and enthusiasm about life.