I have been seperated from wife since January. Together 11 years, 3 children 14, 6, and 3. She initiated this because she needed her space. Actually turned out to be for a male "friend" who was a shoulder to cry on as we had difficulties in our relationship. Lack of time together, displays of affection, etc...
She has seen him since then and of course he is more than a friend now. I have done plan A with a few slip ups with anger, judgements, and negative comments about the other man. None lately.
We have had serious relationship conversations the entire time which results in her either saying she needs time, is confused, or telling me to move on. Most recently it was to move on, that she wants to be friends and spend time together but that it doesn't mean anything. As soon as I begin to move on, somewhat initate plan B by backing off quite a bit (no letter) she reacts, gets upset and calls me up telling me I am causing her pain, expressing how she was selfish in leaving and that she should have never confided in anyone else. So I let myself back on the string so to speak, wait some more and continue plan A. Her friends say that she doesn't really want me to move on. She says that she still loves and cares for me. We spend some time together, drinks, occasional dinner, conversations on the phone and in person. No sex, just occasional hugs, pecks on the cheek etc...
During this time she has told her friends who I communicate with that she see's that I am changing, still loves me and has thoughts of working things out. She expresses that she may be making a mistake by rejecting me but that she does not "trust" me in the sense that my changes are real and lasting. She tells me that she feels like she doesn't know me because of how different I am acting and wonders if it is an act. Basically the loss of her and my family rotating between households caused me to look deeply into my faults and realize things. I have told her that but to no avail at this point.
Her friends tell me to give her time and that she is thinking. My resolve for plan A is dwindling and I'm beginning to wonder if I am allowing her to have her cake and eat it to or if meaningfull progress is being made. Things are much better then they were and her friends tell me that she is thinking about me more and expressing concerns about traits this other guy has but she still is seeing him and not moving towards me. I guess actions speak louder than words. So should I plan A some more or go to B? Any opinions are appreciated.

If you really are working the harley plan, can you get her involved in it too? If you are not ready, call the harley's for a counseling session, they would be the best to tell you whether to continue.
Good Luck.

I think it is natural for a person to start doubting their actions after a while... I'm sure in some ways you feel it isn't fair that you keep trying. Well ya know life isn't fair - nobody ever told us it would be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . It all depends on if you love her. Do you love her? Do you still want to be with her for the rest of your life? Then what is a few weeks/months more? You are seeing positive signs, don't start falling back on your doubts. What you focus on in your mind is what you will manifest in your life.

What you are doing with yourself IS working right? Then keep on doing what you are doing - Keep trying to better yourself and work on your faults. That way if it takes a while longer and then you get to the point where it isn't worth it to you anymore to try, well look how much you will have grown. Remember that some of the growing you are doing, can't happen outside of a relationship - what I mean is that if you are truly single and on your own, you can't work on relationship issues until you meet someone else. So if it were me, I'd continue to work on you and keep hope for your marriage.

Mike

<small>[ June 12, 2003, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: SoTired2000 ]</small>