I have only posted one other x. Right now I am so unsure of the path to take it makes everything worse.

Here is a short explanation: been married 13yrs. 2 boys 9 & 8. Husband and self both have done to many things to hurt each other. I have seen counselor for 1 yr on my own. H always said he would seek help never followed through.
In my head I know he does not respect, trust and wants to control me. without any respect or trust how can we keep going? he says mean things, I cant stay close to my family, go places without a fight. I know we should get a divorce and yet I am scared.

We both had a one night stand...which I know he will never forgive mine even though I forgave his.

I refuse to argue because it ends up turning into you did this I did that fight, which is all wrong.

If anyone has any advice I would love some.
H does not want a Divorce even though he admits he does not trust and is full of resentment. I feel the relationship is beyond repair and sick.

Try being honest with him, that you desperately want him to go to counseling with him, because you fear if not, that you are coming to the end of your rope and you don't want to divorce him but you can't go on like this anymore...

I also think before divorce to try an extended separation. True it doesn't work all the time, but it does sometimes avert a divorce...

God Bless,
Mike

<small>[ June 12, 2003, 01:38 PM: Message edited by: SoTired2000 ]</small>

hi how often do you see each other on a daily basis?

how involved is he with the children?

what do you do when you are together?

how does he enhance your life?

can you live like this the rest of your life?

what changes does he need to make?

what changes does he want you to make for him so that it will work?

is it fixable?

what does your therapist think ?

they do tell you, but you need to ask?

what are your options?

if he does not want a divorce. and he is not willing to work on it, how is anything going to work??

tell him in order for you to even considering being together forever now..it will take a talk to the therapist and truth you cannot have a good marriage built on lies and no trust..

I think he is not willing to work on it so he does not have to change..

what sacrifices are each of you willing to do to make it work?

get on with it now..days go by and time drags on and soon your feelings about it change sometimes for worse..sometimes you can even numb yourself..but that is not forgiving that is not forgetting that is burying it to pop up like a beach ball when you try to keep it under water..it
pops up someplace else..
see a councellor...get help to look at it..then if it isn't going to be salvagable then file for divorce..perhaps when you both lost respect for each other and threw your values out the window you also tossed your love along with it..and self respect...Grow up and take responsibility for it both of you, you have to look at it as painful as it is then go on from there get a counceller to help maybe Dr. Harley would help a few sessions and you will know..it is well worth the money compared to a separation and divorce..cheaper then one months rent..thats for sure..
just do it..get help..now..
Keep on keeping on...meaning don't give up on you..
no matter what you are important and special

Thank you, thank you....I feel as if I am standing still. I can see all the damage that we have done to each other.
I have been seeing a therapist. His opinion is that either I A. learn to expect the fact that H will never be able to fullfill my emotional needs and then learn to deal with the ups ands downs I will then have to face.
Or B to move on get a divorce

I know that H says he is willing to try but we have done this so many times I dont believe that it will actually happen. He has had the option to go to therapy and it will only last two sessions. he was on an anti-depressant but it had side effects, he never bothered to try and another one.

I know H and I have so much to work on. I have been for awhile, I just dont want to keep doing the same cycle....control/disrespect..fight..recogonize problem...sugar coat pretend everything is fine...no real solution of resolving conflict.

When he is in his lets work on this mode he is nice respectful show affection, does things he never normally does. This justs frustrates me and piss me off.

My walls are huge..I have no hope I say to myself why stay together so we can have a two family income, keep the boys happy, I'm sorry I have no hope today..I'm tired of the empty promises and false hope.

the all deciding factor for me was:

What am I showing my children by staying in this marriage. What are they seeing on a daily basis that I am teaching them about relationships.

It's a very hard decision and no one can tell you what is right or wrong for your situation. Regardles, not only will you have to live with either conseqence...but so will your children.

I know what I want to show them...a healthy loving relationship.

I am afraid they are seeing a controlling, sometimes good sometimes bad but most of all the underlying tension.

I wonder if they can feel how thick it is in the air even though we try not to fight in front of them?

Do they sense those times we we are just being false?

ok H and I have spent sometime together today wihtout any kids....we both know we have issues...he says he is willing to work on them.

Question is this do I go ahead and let my guard down, let my feelings come back(which I know they will) and give him the chance to get some real help this time?

He says he is willing, how long should I give him. How long should I allow this period of working towards a better relationship last?
Any advice will help...thanks in advance