Here's my situation.

My WH had me served about a week ago. I also had him served on Monday. Not really wanted to do this I just felt like he just didn't want to work it out, I felt like I was hanging on to nothing.

I keep thinking how much I miss him and keep wishing he were still around.

Now he's living with the OW and sees our son about 2X a week. We also have a 4 month old who he hardly ever sees.

I always wanted to work things out but I feel like it's too late.

He seems to be ok with the whole divorce and doesn't seem give a sh** about the end of our marriage. All he cares about right now is the OW.

He left me when I was 6 months pregnant and being pregnant I just clinged more & pleaded more b/c I really needed him.

I know I did all the wrong things that probably pushed him away farther. But I'm starting to let him go slowly now. Eventhough it's still hard. I don't call anymore and I don't look for him anymore.

I'm really sad that I've lost my best friend. B/C that's what he was. I miss just talking to him about everyday things.

Now when we talk, it's just about the kids.

Even though I did file for this divorce ALSO, I just don't know how to end it. It's like I still don't want to give up.

I truly love this man. He's not the same man I married but I know deep down in my heart that he's lost. He thinks that the OW is the answer to all his problems when all she is, is the cause of them.

I still keep thinking that he's coming back, even after we divorce.

And last night something happened that hasn't happened for sometime.

Yesterday afternoon my WH called me at around 4:30 asking if he could pick up our son for a few hours and I said yes.

Well last night around 8:30 my WH called and said to go outside to come get our son. And he sounded kind of weird but didn't think anything of it and I just said ok. (He's not allowed to go to the door as per my DAD who hates him.)

Anyways, I go outside to get him thinking maybe our son fell asleep and had to carry him. Well he wasn't, both my WH and my 4 yr. old son were crying. My WH was holding him and my son was just saying something like he wanted to stay with him or he didn't want to come home. Something to that effect.

My son has done this before when we first moved to my parents house. But hadn't done it in a while. And my WH has cried before when our son does this but I hadn't seen my WH cry for about 4 months or so because of this.

I know my WH was really hurt to see and hear him cry.

All I could do was pick up my son and tell him that everything was ok and not to cry. I told him to say bye to daddy and it would be ok. And I just walked away with our son in my arms crying.

I didn't say anything to my WH. I just didn't know what to say. I couldn't say it's ok, b/c it's not. I just didn't know what to say so I said nothing.

Did I do the right thing by not saying anything or should I have said something?

B/C it really hurts me to see my son cry like that and also to see my WH cry too. But it was his choice. He chose not to be around as much as he use to, he chose his OW instead of his children.

Should I leave some sort of message on his voice mail or should I do nothing?

I'm just really confused about everything.
Can you give me some advice and your thoughts?

<small>[ June 13, 2003, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: STBXWife ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by STBXWife:
<strong>
I know I did all the wrong things that probably pushed him away farther. I don't call anymore and I don't look for him anymore.

I didn't say anything to my WH. I just didn't know what to say. I couldn't say it's ok, b/c it's not. I just didn't know what to say so I said nothing.

Should I leave some sort of message on his voice mail or should I do nothing?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">STB:

I'm not Orchid, but I read your post, and felt I could probably say the same things she will say to you.

Personally, I think you're doing GREAT! Stopping all the self-destructive behavior which was pushing him away is a good start. I know this is all so painful....but it sounds like you're doing good.

Again, MY OPINION is that your WH is starting to "feel" the consequences for his foggy behavior. SEEING his own little boy crying b/c dad isn't staying with him.....makes him sad enough to cry. Well, what can you say? HE has brought this on himself. This is ok. This type of consequence will bring him out of his "self-induced" FOG sooner!

You looking strong, and holding it all together for both of them was good. It shows him you are compassionate, caring, and forgiving! Otherwise, you would have THROWN THE BOOK at him when you saw what he had done to your little boy. Saying nothing was probably the wisest thing you could have done!

NO!!! I definitely don't think you should leave a message. LET HIM STEW in his own mess........

DON"T be confused.......you are doing G-R-E-A-T. Stay strong.

God Bless,

Time for serious combat girlfriend.

contact her @ mborchid@hotmail.com

Get to usin' your noggin now. Don't cry anymore. Think think think.

You need to remember to do a good plan A during this. You can learn the secrets of turning an OW against a WH. Or vice versa. Hey even I did it...But he was so foggy he found ow2.

I gave up then because I was worth so much more and tired of games.

Fight the good fight for as long as you can, do an impeccable plan A with some saavy know how from the best and if that fails, to do a silent plan B. And no wavering from either ok?

Hi SW,

Wow, not sure who allhas been saying what about me but hey, we are all in this junk situation together, ok??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Lupo, Peach and others have been helpful to you. I agree with what they have said and well you need to see where you really are vs where you 'choose' to be.

What does that mean? Well you are a young mother with 2 babies (small child and infant). That child knows his father is out there and it is confusing for him. Peach's son is about your child's age so she can best help you with how to handle a child at his age. My son was 5 when this mess started (his entire school timeframe) - what a trigger for me (oh yea and the WS' shaving his mustache - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

What I learned to do was reassure my child of my love. His father had to reassure him of his love for his son. I was not nor could not do that for the WS. By the way, WS are quite illogical out there. Be prepared for stupid stuff like: 'you and the children are better off without me, I can be a better father if I am away from all of you, you don't need me, etc.'

Hogwash! That's fogese talking and often he will sound like the OW. Depends on how agressive the OW is but anyways..... the men lose their masculinety and turn into whooses (sp??). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So what are you do to?

1. Reassure your child of your love and that you will be there for them.

2. Encourage you little one to speak.... you'd be surprised what will come out of their mouths.

3. If your little one wants to draw out his feelings, let him.

4. If your litle one want to tell his dad off, let him. If your little one wants to tell you off let him.

5. If others are regulars around your child (grandparents, cousins, aunts/uncles, neighbors, playmates, daycare providers, etc.), inform them of this problem and let them give support by helping your child to unload/vent when needed. He is 4 years old but he has a mind that is growing and learning. He is NOT too young to speak his mind. My son wrote a 4 sentence letter to his dad when he was in 1st grade. That letter nearly crushed the WS and was instrumental in helping him come out of the fog. Even then it took over 2 years for the WS to really break it with the OW. OW in our case was a psycho earning the MB given name of: PBR (psycho babble rabbit).

6. Let the WS see the children but you set the boundaries protecting them. If you think the WS is not responsible and will take your children around the OW or other things that will not keep them safe, then let him know. If it angers him so what. Your children's safety is more important. Tell the Ws, "look if someone who had a right to see your child but was not able to provide a 'safe environment or atmosphere', would you let them take your child?" Watch your WS reaction. If he is reasonable, he will understand and work to provide you assurance the children will be safe (without OW or that type of influence or anything connected to it). It is important to not just say don't go around OW but widen that safety zone to include 'anything connected to the A (ie: OW's home, car, children, friends, relatives, etc.)

6. Reassure your child that his father loves him. When the questions come up, defer the answer to his dad.

Example:
Son: Mommy, if daddy loves me why did he leave? What did I do?

Mom: That's a good question, son..... I can't answer all of it, but I am sure your daddy can. Would you like to ask him?

I did this and my son's retort was not to ask his dad because he said he was too embarressed about his dad. Imagine that @ 6 years old, he figured what his dad was doing was 'embarressing'. So later he wrote a letter.

7. Understand that it may take time for your child to communicate his feelings with your or your H. Learn to exercise patience.

8. Do not use your child as a means to communciate to your H but if your child choose to communicate to your H, he will. Don't worry. You may be accused of putting words in your child's mouth but you will know better and when those accusation fly, step back and let them ricohet back to the fogheaded WS.

9. Contact WS in a limited form. I kept my contact down to Mail, Money and child visitation. From that point on, guess who was calling me everyday. I didn't take all his calls. OW sure didn't like it then.

Well I will stop for now. Please let us know how you are doing. There are many here that can help you.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Your H doesn't look very good to the rest of the world abandoning his wife and 2 young children. Sooner or later, he will have to face up to that fact. OWs are not that great.

take care,
L.
ps: Change your thread line so others will be invited to help. I am just another BS who likes to post a lot!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Update:

Yesterday my WH called and asked if he could pick our son again. I said, I guess if you want to. And then he asked if he could have him all day for Father's day and I asked him if he wanted me to take the baby to his mothers on that day also.

Then he says that he's gonna ask for 1/2 day off, which he'll be out at 10:45 A.M. He also says that he's gonna try to make it to church.

I was thinking to myself, CHURCH? WHAT? YOU? He hasn't been to church in forever. Except for the day we baptized our little girl in May.

Anyways so he's gonna have the kids Sunday and I didn't plan on getting him a gift but just recently had pictures taken of the kids. So I decided to frame one of both of them and give it to him as a gift from the kids.

What do you all think? Good idea?

Yes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Get a good grip right now on where you should be with regard to the divorce.

You need the following::
1)good attorney
2)proof of his affair.
3)all docs related to finances
4)proof he's exposing child to this lifestyle of sin.

Don't do as I did and get sucked in to the drama of the ws. Think more than I did initially.

I was swirling with emotions for about six mos. until I started really thinking. Many here helped me do that.

You are DEFENDING YOURSELF. You are doing what's needed to get the divorce, that's all. YOu should have NO guilt whatsoever. Banish that.

A WS should not have carte blanche to control everything...divorce included. Standd up for your children and for you. Future is at stake ok?

And determine if you need to be in plan A or in plan B. ORchid sounds almost like she thinks you should do B. That may work. Especially if you've done a good plan A.

If you haven't then do one for maybe 2 weeks. Too long will make you wacky. But remember plan A is for you. For you to improve you.

You can do nothing to change your foggy WH ok? You just can't. You can only control you. Realize that now.

While he may be crying, showing some emotion, he may have cried earlier on when you didn't see about his leaving you. He may have cried when he lived with you and you didn't see--cried because he wanted OW too. Their emotions are outta control and run amuck. Pay no attention to him. You have a mission and a job to do.

All advice about child is good. Whatever you do, you can MB but imho, don't ever allow to accept for justify his affair. Don't do it. Will validate everything he's done.

Learn fogese.

I think limited contact is necessary. And if you wanna pack a wallop, do something different. Change your schedule. Get a makeover. Be unpredictable. Make HIM think you are foggy. They hate that. WS hate that. Turn the tables on the guy.

Make him believe he could have competition. But that's it. And remember, that you control. DO NOT do not try to get in his head. It will not work. Especially if he becomes as foggy as my WH.

You will need a brain transplant if you try to do that ok? Those leading pretty normal lives as married folks or even as single folks just cannot comprehend the ways of the fogged.

He may dislike how it affects the kids, but DOES IT KEEP HIM FROM SLEEPING WITH A YOU KNOW WHAT every night? I mean, think about it. Don't get false hopes from anything. Nothing is to be thought of unless he 1)moves out and 2)stops divorce and 3)committs to YOUR decisions regarding counseling, etc and 4)cuts off ALL contact with ho.

You know I was doing a real good plan A. He was even starting to come around to my office after about 5 months of not coming around.

Then I found out that he was bringing his OW around our son! That just ticked me off! And I kept getting advice about "choosing your battles". Well this was one thing that I did not agree with AT ALL! Thats when all the LB occured. It was a bad week.

My WH and the OW had some nerve! They thought that it would be ok for THEM to bring him home TOGETHER in her car. I don't think so!!!! I let them have it! I was furious. At that time I didn't care if I was LB or not, I had every right to be angry especially after expressing my concerns to my WH 2X and him saying he wouldn't do it anymore. WHAT A BIG LIAR!!!

Well needless to say he has been stupid enough to do that again.

Well after that and another big fight a couple of days later he had me served.

He got over it and I guess so did I. We can now talk civily (over the phone) again when he wants to pick up our son.

<small>[ June 13, 2003, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: STBXWife ]</small>

You know I keep hearing all this SH** about my WH, the OW and my son.

I've heard from a close friend of mine that my WH told his cousin, which this came from his cousin's mouth, that my son calls the OW "MOM". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I really don't believe it b/c my 4 yr old son wouldn't call another woman MOM! He knows who is mom is and that's ME!

I'm not going to say that I don't believe it completely b/c I don't know what my WH is capable of since all this has been happening. He's capable of anything now!

I don't know if he's trying to encourage my son to call her mom or not but like I said he's capable of anything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

But what do I do? Do I say anything about this or just ignore it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />