Ok guys, help me, please. I'm newly DV, (signed papers in April, though haven't received my final copy as of yet). My XWH left me and our two boys for OW in September, and he hasn't looked back as of yet. Whenever the boys or I try to call him at our old house (I moved back to be closer to family and my job in November), he's never home. His mother (wonderful Christian woman) claims that he has phone problems, but I never have a problem getting him when the boys are with him which I think is odd (phone works fine then). I'm sure it is because he spends lots of time with OW who is separated from her H right now.

Anyway, I am in the process of renewing my spirit and walk with God. However, it is 5:00 AM right now and I can't sleep. I woke up at 3:30 and haven't been able to go back to sleep because it is truly bothering me how X is treating his boys. He isn't there for them, and he always prided himself on being a good dad. The boys played baseball (they are 6 and 7 right now) and were on the same team. The league was an hour from my XH's house, but only 10 min from his mom and dad's house. Anyway, he never ever ever came to a game of theirs (season began in April and they are in a post season tourny this week). he didn't come to my youngest's kindergarten graduation (although I made an excuse that he had to work--even though I was there and I work, too), and he didn't go to the older one's first grade academic awards ceremony (made all A's this year except for one B which came right at our break up) for the same reason.

Anyway the boys were in a baseball tournament this week, and they asked their dad to come. He said he "might" come, but didn't show. His mom and dad came last night, though. They are in the championship game tonight, and X is supposed to get them today at noon. (I didn't realize there was one more game in the tournament--originally they just said tues and thurs). anyway, I tried to call him to tell him about the game and that they would have to wait until after the game to go with him for visitation, and, as usual, I couldn't get a hold of him. (tried until 11:30 Pm).

Now, my problem is, I really really really really want to discuss my frustrations with him not attending his boys' functions and supporting them. All the other dad's are at these games, proud of their sons, and my sons' dad is off with OW. Now, before anyone says that an hour is a long way to go, let me tell you that we are both teachers, so there is no "work" to go to tomorrow as we are in summer vacation. Also, Labor Day he drove an hour from his mom's house (where we were) to meet OW at OUR house that morning, did their "thing" and came back (left inlaw's at 6:30
AM going to walmart to get green peanuts to boil--what he told them). Got back at 11:30 Am, and after I "found out" he admitted he had been with her. Also, he mentioned before, as they were such "great friend" that he was going to go to her daughter's beauty pageant (nothing he had ever been interested in before). He didn't go, but he wanted to. ANyway I think if he can do these things with OW, then he could make time for his boys, too, if it was important to him, so I'm making the conclusion that they aren't as important RIGHT NOW to him.

What do I need to do? God has laid it on my heart to let go my relationship with him and not to bother him with it, but these are my kids. I don't understand putting others ahead of your kids. I have been praying about it to see whether or not I need to let him hear about my frustrations of him not supporting his kids (other than financially--he does pay CS on time, every time). I'm not sure what road I should take. I don't want to be the martyr and "suck it up" and be my kids' only hero anymore. I only want what's best for these two beautiful/wonderful kids.

Anyway in praying from 3:30-4:30 this morning since I couldn't sleep, I think God lead me to this site. the first post I read was the last "restoration of marriages" post where Lupolady was discussing letting God work in his time. ANY suggestions on this would be helpful as I supposed to talk to XH this morning (or whenever I can get in touch with him) to let him know there is one more ballgame, and there is a big part of me that wants to let him have it.
THanks, and sorry so long.

Good morning, Kimmy,

I only have a couple of minutes, but I wanted to give you my advice on what to do. DO NOT contact WH and "let him have it" about boys.

I know it's hard. I KNOW you're frustrated, and upset and you have every right to be!

But, hun, in the state he's in right now (the FOGGY STATE!!) he won't hear a word of it, and it'll only drive him further away!

Please take this time for YOU. Go to the links at the top of this page, the Concepts page, and READ the concepts you find there. READ AND LEARN! Read all about Plan A. As long as you have contact in some limited form, and A hasn't been going on very long, you should try to Plan A.

I really have to run out to work, but my suggestion to you is keep reading, posting here, as well as a couple of other places I'll link for you, and read all about A's, how they happen, what makes them last, what makes them end, and everything you need in between, and in the meantime, DO NOT LB xH!!

http://www.RejoiceMinistries.org
http://www.Restoreministries.net

God Bless,

Kimmy,

I know how frustrated you must feel. How could someone you love or loved just shut out you and your children like it meant nothing? It's a very hard concept to grasp. My WW left her home, business, kids (mostly in college), dogs, basically all of her responsibilities for OM. She is basically on a vacation while I work, pay the bills, take care of the house and all the commitments we had. She has her "friends" for support. I have commitments.

Like you I find myself awakening at 4AM and reading Psalms. It helps me so much knowing that God will not desert you in your time of need. He knows how strong you are in this time of trial. He knows your needs and will fulfill them in His time. Keep praying, it is so important your relationship with the Lord. My WW basically has forsaken her relationship with the Lord because it does not jive with having an affair. The OM is not a Christian and she gets support from people who have a sense that morality is relative to "feelings". You've been given good advice about not over communicating with him about the kids. It will force him to withdraw even more. Keep posting, more people will respond.

Jo
-------------------------------------------------
Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out

Thanks so much for the replies, Lupolady & Joquin. I feel exactly like you both said. I can't believe he is acting this way.
Well, I tried to call him at a few minutes ago (8:25 am) and he's not home. I can only conclude he spent the night with her (not the first time I've come to this conclusion) but it bothers me that he chose to do that rather than come to the semifinals of his sons baseball tournament. If they win tonight, they'll be the city's champs. So sad he is missing out on that in their little lives.

Now for my next question....we are supposed to meet at noon for me to drop off the kids, and it is a 30 mile drive for me to make out of the way of anything. My loving sister tells me that since I've tried to contact him until late last night and this morning that I should not make the drive to the meeting spot and tell him later that I couldn't get in touch with him, that if he had been home (or had an answering machine) then he could have gotten the message. this is very tempting, although this is not anything I've ever done before (stood up like that). I've always tried to look out for everyone's feelings and have always gone the extra mile.

Should I do as she says and not go or should I make the trip (assuming I can't contact him before then) and tell him after I've driven all that way.

Thanks,
Kim

<small>[ June 13, 2003, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: kimmy2 ]</small>

WWJD

What Would Jesus Do!!!!!

Kimmy, you know the RIGHT thing to do, so "just do it". I totally understand and appreciate the feelings that are going on right now but the bottom line is that you have to live with the decision, make it one worth living for.

Well, friends, I was able to get in touch with him at 9:30 this morning. I was even-toned (not irratated sounding), and told him that I had been trying to get in touch with him from late last night until this morning, (yes, I wanted him to know I knew he wasn't home), and I asked him how he wanted me to get the boys back to him, after the game. I told him the time of the game and told him I could give them to his mom and dad (who went to the game last night and plan to go tonight). I asked if he was coming. He said he would come up here. I asked to his mom's or to the game? he said to his mom's. My only "snide" remark, and forgive me, I couldn't help it, was that I'm sure there are other things more important to him than coming and that I would give them to his parents (who are wonderful people whose only fault is they try to protect him still).

I know I didn't do much for our relationship, but I did want him to know that what he was missing was important stuff to his kids who he professes to love.

His OW told him once in an email I read that one reason she loved him was because he was a wonderful father. I don't think that choosing one's A over his kids makes him anywhere close to being a wonderful father.

Right now, forgive me, but I think I will be much better off without him around, and one day I'll find someone who will love and care for the boys so that they won't miss that male figure in their lives.

Thanks for letting me vent. I need to go read some scripture because I'm getting worked up again.

Kim

Kimmy, I have been plagued with the same problems with my W. She has mised our boys ball games to be with OM and had excusses. I have also been trying to "keep tabs" on her whereabouts but I'm going to tell you YOU WILL DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY trying to do this not to mention drain yourself mentally and physically. I finally broke down and gave it all to God. He ask us to lay down our burdens. I know it's hard ,It is for me too. Just try and take care of you and the kids and never give up praying!! God bless!!

Kimmy,

First the one thing you NEED to konw is that GOD is not just watching out for you, HE is holding each of your children in His hand. AND He always will. That is what you need to constantly teach the children.

The woman I've been dating has 2 little girls (9 & 10yrs old)... When we first met she was so caught up in their relationship with their father. But like I told her, that relationship ISN'T up to you... It is up to him, the girls and God. NOTHING you can say or do will change anything with your X. The best thing you can do is "accept it". Once you stop trying to "change" the situation, you will begin to see God working in your childrens' lives and maybe even in your X's life.

I know how much it hurts you to see how he is treating the boys. Give THAT up to God. All the pain and hurt. You have to accept that nothing you do will help - and once that happens, you will feel the peace of God coming back into your life. But you can't feel that peace if you are constantly in an internal struggle.

Be who you are - don't make decisions because someone tells you "they" think it is best - even if it is family members. I listened to a couple family members before and got burned. I don't hold it against them, I just realize now that God wants me to trust and listen to HIM first. And that if someone gives me advice other than Him, deep in my heart I will KNOW, not think but KNOW, it is advice coming FROM HIM, through this other person.

God will be there for your children and for you.
God bless and keep...
Mike

Kimmy,

Have you really, I mean really, learned MB techniques meaning plan A and B?

Also, sounds like his parents are ENABLERS. Quite possibly they are helping keeping him in the fog.

You can rebuild and work towards your marriage being restored, but no more enablement of his bad lifestyle with OW can continue.

And "christian" loved ones are sometimes huge enablers...my stbxh's parents are perfect examples.

His behavior seems to be explained away...Lies are accepted...phone not working...going to beauty pageant, etc.

It's poo. A pile of stinking lies. Pure poo.

I say work on you. Begin a good plan A for a distinct period of time. Make it show in your life. This is good and goes along with your walk with God.

But do it for YOU not for your marriage being restored ok? That's a fallacy.

And unfortunately there are indeed circumstances where you are not spiritually required to be bound to your H. One is unrepented adultery. God doesn't want us to live in emotional chains when someone totally disrespects our blessed union and destroys our lives. Nope.

Take heart. Try the MB plan and B. And stick to them. Do it for you. But God just may have an incredibly wonderful OTHER plan for you and your family. He understands your pain and I do too. But you're not bound to this pain any more. You were freed and be happy of that.

I will also be happy when I am freed of having to be tied to my stbxh who's spiritually dead basically and been living in sin for three years. I am glad that I will no longer be a denied wife but freed. Freed for God to work in my life, my child's life, and his life too. Until some people hit rock bottom, there's no room for God to work.

Work on YOU right now. That is fun and is the amazing part. Plus realize that you cannot ever control someone else although you wish you could make him leave OW.

Kimmy,

Have your boys said anything about how it makes them feel when their dad isn't at their functions? If so I'd role play with them how they might tell their dad how they feel and encourage them to do so. Hearing it from you isn't likely to have an effect on XH but if he hears it from them it might wake him up a little bit. It's also good for them to be able to tell him how they feel. God's gracious blessings to you and your boys. Hang in there.

The only thing you can do (about him) is to let him know it would be good for the kids if he were there. Don't try to get him to do it or make him feel guilty about it. Just state the facts and leave it at that.

Lifes tough. Sometimes you get things you want, other times you don't. Something the kids will have to learn and you don't want to "shield" them from it either. As parents, our job is not to protect the kids from everyhthing that comes their way. Our job is to teach them right from wrong and how to deal with ALL situations, good or bad.

Don't make excuses for him. Don't lie about him either.

Teach them right by doing what's right. You be there when you say you will be there.

Your getting good advice. Unfortunately you can't change your ex and the more you try to get him to do the right thing the more he'll do just the opposite. My ex was and is still like that years later. His girlfriend had/has two boys that only see their father once a yr. due to him living in another state. She wanted ex to be her kids father and she didn't want him to have anything to do with his own. He didn't seem to bat an eye at her demands. In fact, even though he lived 2 miles from his own chidren he went a couple of years without talking to them or seeing them (they were 6 & 10 at the time). Many times before and after that stretch of time he'd tell them he'd be picking them up for his weekend only to not show up or call. Many times there were promises that he'd be at a soccer game or a church program and he never showed. He's never attended a conference at their school. With his parents pushing he does now see them on most of his weekends but now they are 10 and 15. They do their own thing at his home, he doesn't spend any one on one time with them. He knew that the best way to hurt me was to hurt them, and that he was successful at. What I did is stopped trying to get him to be a dad. Does he feel bad that he's missed out on the 7 or so years of their life? If he does it doesn't show. The thing is, the kids still love him very much despite him being a rotten father. But, now that they are getting older things are changing. They are calling and telling him they can't make his weekend because of their soccer games or school dances. They are putting him low on their priority list. That is what he's taught them. He could take them to these games etc..but his girlfriend has told the kids to not bother coming over if their activities get in the way. What it boils down to is her having a problem with his kids and his ex even though I'm very happy and re-married. My guess is the OW in your situation doesn't want your ex around you and that's why he's not attending these events. To bad so many of these so called parents don't put their children first. Heck, my daughter who is almost 11 commented one day that when she got married her step-dad would walk her down the isle but she'd invite her dad. If your ex continues on this path some day the kids won't have time for him and it will be his own fault. Stop trying to change him, just go out there and be the best parent that YOU can be.

Wow, thanks so much for the advice. I can't post long to address each of you who replied because I hear a thunderstorm approaching, but I really do apppreciate it. It is wonderful hearing from the men out there, just to know there are some good guys still out there. Also, thanks to the ladies, too, who know what I'm going through and are offering wonderful advice. I'm going to print some of these and read them more thoroughly. I do plan to continue with a Plan A/long distance, although I'm pretty sure I don't want him back. I just want not to regret anything I say or do during this period of adjustment.

I love my boys, and they are tops in my life right now. they are going to go be with their dad for a whole week after the game tonight, and I'll get them back on the 22nd. I don't know what I"ll do with the time. Then they will go back for 2 weeks in july. I'm going to go crazy, but I think I'll just use the time to get closer with Christ. There are some revivals going on in our area, and I think I'm going to try to get involved. The church we went to as a family was my XH's family's church (has about 15 members--we live in rural Alabama), so I'm looking to find another "home" although the inlaws say they would love for me to continue going there. I think it would make it uncomfortable for them as for my X when he does visit (he takes boys there to church every other weekend when he has them, but doesn't come anymore than that although we used to attend much more regularly as a family). So, I think I'll use my time to visit churches in the area, and grow closer with God.

keep the suggestions coming, as I really need the uplifting right now. I'm becoming discouraged because I only want what's best for my two boys. They deserve the best, and I'm afraid a father who has other things important to him isn't what's best for them, but I don't know how to change it. I suppose it isn't for me to change, but I don't want them growing up lacking for something.

Thanks again,
Kim