What are you (question for the wives) doing about Father's day?

I bought a card (very plain) for the kids to sign. I don't think my 17 year old daughter is going to sign it. The two younger daughters will be seeing him tomorrow for visitation so they can give him the card then. In the past I've always taken the kids shopping to get him presents for Father's Day. But this year I REALLY can't afford it. Besides I don't think he deserves it. It was really hard even picking out a card for him. I kept reading ones describing devotion, committment, involvement, etc. It would be hypocritical to give him a card like that.

I know he's going to make a big deal about only getting a card. But last year we got him cards and gifts for Father's Day and his birthday and he lied and said we did nothing. He actually listed that as one of his grounds for divorce! BTW he got me nothing for Mothers' Day - not even a card.

We have a lot of books on fathering that I've bought for him over the years. He left them behind when he moved out. Maybe I should have the girls give them to him tomorrow when they see him?

I know what you mean Icedancer!!!

I didn't get jack-sh** for Mother's day either. But he did tell me that he was going to take our son to the mall so that they could go look for something for me. Well i'm still waiting! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I wasn't going to get him anything either. But just recently had pictures taken of the kids. So I'm going to frame one and give it to him as a gift from them.

He doesn't deserve it either but then again I'm a little more considerate than he is.

I think you should give him one of those books!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

As rotten as my stbx is, I still have the boys giving him a card and a mug. It's all dollar store stuff (that's all I can afford <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ). I will NOT get him anything from me (even though the card and gifts obviously are, because the twins are only 2 yrs old, and OS is 4yrs old. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). I also have the 4 yr old making up some crafts and pictures for the gift packs.

It's hard for me to be the better person much of the time, when it comes to dealing with H's family and him, but I'm doing my best.

I keep focusing on the children. They don't understand all of what's going on, but they also need to know that it's important to recognize and credit people where credit is due. In Sunday's case, it happens to be father's day. And so they are giving gifts to their dad and paternal grampa that day (it just happens to be the next scheduled visitation... as per MY request).

Believe it or not (probably not! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ), I would love to feel comfortable enough one day, to give my stbxH a card again, in recognition of father's day. I'm getting catty here... but you know how "Hallmark" says they have a card for EVERYTHING??? Do they have one that recognizes sperm donation??!?!??!?!?!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

I think giving him the photo of the kids is a good idea.

And I'm giving my husband ALL of those books LOL.

Mentioning the photo reminded me of something that happened when I was trying to pick out a Father's Day card for him:

I was starting to feel bitter while reading the cards about good dads. And suddenly I recalled something from an affair he had 11 years ago, when I was pregnant with my youngest daughter. He was working in a nearby state, coming home some weekends. We (me and my two older daughters) would visit him occasionally, staying in the little apartment he'd rented. Well, when we arrived on one visit I found a photo I had given him of me lying face down on top of his fridge. I tried to tell myself that it had fallen down... But then I found some cards and crayon drawings the kids sent to him hidden under some clothes in his bottom drawyer.

So when I was trying to pick out a card for him I started thinking he'd probably just shove the card from his daughters under a rug or in the back of his closet to hide it from his bimbos.

And he'll probably just toss the books about fathering into the paper recycling bin.

And another thing (I promise after this I'm done ranting LOL):

He moved out in January 2002 and didn't take the things we'd gotten him for Christmas presents. Also things we'd given him over the years were left behind too.

One day my oldest daughter got really upset and started gathering up his stuff he'd left behind and tossing it in a big plastic bag and then out into the garage.

Also, it wasn't until he'd been gone over a month, and after I mentioned it to him, that he took any pictures of his kids to his new place. I bet he has them tucked under his clothes in his bottom drawer and only takes them out when the kids come to visit.

The middle daughter will be learning to drive next year. It will be interesting when she'll be able to drive herself over to Daddy's place... maybe unannounced... After all the fuss he's made emanding to come to my home, I bet he'll lay down some rules about not letting his daughter drop in on him... I wonder how long it takes him to get his bachelor pad decent enough for his daughters to see?

What a loser. So glad he's gone.

gee, mine is easy... absolutely NOTHING! I asked my younger D if she'd like to get a card, she said I was insane. She will call her grandfather on Father's Day... same as she has the past 3 years.

Lori

Hi All! The parenting journal sounds great. Now if only we can all put it into action. It is beneficial when you have smaller kids, but when they head into their teens, a judge doesn't really care about what he/she (parent) did or didn't do unless it is totally physically harmful. When it comes to emotional abuse, judges just don't see the long term effects.

There are two books that have helped me out of a lot of lousy situations: Divorce Casualties by Douglas Darnell, Joint Custody with a Jerk by Julia A. Ross, Mom's House Dad's House, Ricci, Controlling People by Patricia Evans....and the list goes on (one for the life of me I can't remember but it gives really good ideas of what to say and how to act in situations when the ex is being a total idiot -- I'll keep looking for it).

I have my melting down points (yesterday was one) when life seems to come crashing down. Seems the more JERK-Y they are the more they have. I just don't understand why kind, compassionate people get the raw end of the deal. Anyways... I could never become one of *them* by being manipulative and mean. I thought for a second to forget all about Father's day, but you know, I had to think of what kind of message I would be sending the kids by ignoring the day. Did the ex make ANY effort to acknowledge MY birthday? nope...Did he make ANY attempt to do anything for Mother's day? Nada... but you know what? When we bought his present for Father's day, the look on my child's face was WELL worth putting all that animosity behind me. I AM the bigger person. Does it feel manipulative? yeah..I feel like I'm being manipulative by buying a present for a person who's brought me incredible pain --but I have to keep thinking of the message that I am sending my children. I want them to acknowledge Father's Day and Mother's day...and birthdays...and Christmas. I want them to be thoughtful and sincere. Exactly how does one do that with their children if we don't lead by example? I know it's tough. I also know that my ex will be saying to himself that he's oh so wonderful because HE got a present and I didn't on my special day. (that's my ex... he usually comments to the kids about how wonderful he is because of the *material* things he has and owns). At the end of the day you can't take it with you. At the end of the day, the message that I've given my kids is far more valuable than the money he has or the *stuff* he has packed in his house.

K..enough blabbing. As hard as it is to extend that olive branch, do it for the kids.

I have left that up to their dad if he wants something from the kids or not...

If he does..He will take the time to take them out so they can get it for him..but I don't see that as my problem anymore..he chose to leave..
he can live with the consequences of his choice..
and part of that..is taking on the responsibility
of if he wants something from the kids..He can take them to get it..

I don't feel it's me being mean or spiteful towards him, as I have always had to take the kids out when they wanted to get me something for mothers day, my birthday and even Christmas..

<small>[ June 14, 2003, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

I have to agree, it is his responsibility, she does not want to give up anymore of her time to him when she "might" get dinner and be home in less than 45 min. or on a good night she gets dinner and a movie but that has only happened twice since Jan. 1st of this year. She is definitely having trust issues and she just came home and invited me to dinner! I feel for those of you with young children, it is so much more difficult. You are doing the right things for your children and in the end you will feel good about yourself. Glad I don't have to make that choice.

my kids are older...they can make the choices, but I do give them the opportunity if they so choose to go shopping. I don't care what they buy him (if anything), but I don't ignore the holidays either. He will forever be their father and just because we are divorced and I don't like him doesn't give me license to turn the kids against him. Like I said, you can impact your children in a very positive way by extending that olive branch a bit. Works for me beautifully -- but it took me a VERY long time to get to this point. I'm glad I did though!

Happy Father's Day to all the Dad's out there.

I agree and do let them make thier own choices, last year I even encouraged her to ask her Father out on Father's Day but during the past year he has shown time and time again that he is only into his schedule, his fun, his money, his job, his priorities, his feelings and he takes her only when he has nothing better to do. I see it, I don't say it but at 16, she picked up on the lies. She saw him out playing, when he said he was working but wasn't. That's how he treats all women. But thats his "integrity", he can take pride in that. I still support, "he's your Dad and loves you and love him too" but actions are stronger than words and she has experienced his complete lack of action.

<small>[ June 15, 2003, 06:40 AM: Message edited by: lila140 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He moved out in January 2002 and didn't take the things we'd gotten him for Christmas presents. Also things we'd given him over the years were left behind too.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had the same thing happen. The Christmas presents are still on the floor in the basement. He can clean them up when he buys the house.

I didn't get him anything this year. The 4 YO started about 10 cards and didn't finish one. I have quite a mess to clean up.
I dressed them up nicely this morning and sent them with their father. That's all.

Hi Newly,

Yea, I thought that ignoring his presents bit was bizarre. I mean even on Christmas day (must have been plotting his getaway already) he was VERY unenthusiastic, like his mind was elsewhere. And on the morning of December 24th we let the kids open the little stocking stuffer gifts they had gotten for each other (to clear the way for stuff from Santa). We usually ALL get each other at least one little thing to put in stocking. Well he hadn't gotten anything to put in my stocking (and I had gotten him several things). I didn't say anything but our daughters sure did! Then he left the house for about 3 hours (rather rude thing to do on a day we usually spend together as a family). Well it turned out he hadn't gotten me ANYTHING for Christmas - ZIP - so he had to go out last minute and bought me a bunch of mindless last-minute crap: manicure kit, cookie jar, sox, nothing special, nothing romantic or given much thought. I pretended not to notice and to this day haven't said anything about it to him.

And it's not just the stuff we got him for that last Christmas together that he left behind. He left behind the nice gas BBQ grill we got him for his last Father's Day living with us. And there was a really nice (and expensive) set of books about the history of airplanes (model planes is one of his hobbies).

Also he didn't take any pictures of the kids until he'd been gone for a while and I'd mentioned it several times. But pictures of HIMSELF started disappearing BEFORE we broke up! There was a picture of him in our bedroom, from when he was about 11, that just disappeared one day, empty frame sitting on the bedside table. I asked him where it went and he started stuttering and avoided looking at me. He hadn't even prepared anything to say. He finally mumbled something about getting rid of it because he was tired of looking at it. One day when he was taking down some of his pictures of himself to leave with I asked him didn't he want his daughters to have any pictures of him? He wouldn't answer.

Since he declrared he had 'closure' and was 'over you guys' and 'getting on with' his life after being gone only one week, I guess he was trying to brace himself emotionally for withdrawal from us? Kind of trying to go cold turkey? A friend of mine says she thinks he was trying to make the separation easier for himself, less painful, by not taking anything that would remind him of us. He would go weeks without contacting us and then admit he'd gone as long as he could before calling us.

What an idiot. And he wonders why we don't sit by the phone awaiting his call... We are SO getting on with our lives.

icedancer - Fathers day is almost over. But to do what the wayward spouse does, and to not do anything should be what you want. If you still would like to get him something, even though you are treated poorly is no reason to treat him poorly.

For fathers day, I bought my ex-husband 4 large glasses. I did get them at a garage sale. But they were brand new, still in the box. Big glasses, that he can put in the dishwasher. They are quite nice, 4 brilliant colors, and really cool. I just put Fathers day and Love by me. That was all, nothing gooey, smoochy, over bearing. Just that I recognized Fathers day, and that I still love him.

I didn't talk to him today, cause I left the package on his porch early this morning, and haven't talked to him at all. Better this way. Cause it still hurts.

I don't have another Father figure to talk to. All grandpas are gone, my father died a year ago, and of course his father passed away this fall. I was not close to his father at all. He was a drunk. I would like a Father to talk to. But I have the Best Father - God. So I did go to my dads grave site, and I did talk to my dad there. I took a walk with the dogs, and talked to God.

As far as your kids. If your kids are older like mine are. There is nothing else you can do, but say fathers day is coming up. They are all old enough to do something. But for the little ones, I would take time to go out and take them shopping. Or they could make dad a card, and make something for dad. The best gifts I got were the ones that were made. Anyways, that is what I did today. I was told to not get him anything at all, but I didn't feel good about it. So I did this without telling anyone. I don't know If my kids got their dad anything. It is their choice, and I got nothing for mothers day from my ex-husband, and the kids. It hurt, but I recovered from mothers day. Now to recover from this day is another step in the ugly divorce.

Hi Faith4Me,

I debated whether or not to get him anything for Father's Day but we honestly couldn't afford it anyway. I bought a card for the girls to sign.

He is giving us money on a regular basis now but we're still trying to get caught up from him seriously shorting us a few months back. The payday my daughter's down payment for her braces was due he started giving us $1000 per payday; sounds like a lot till you take into account we were behind on bills because of him refusing to give us money or to pay bills for a few months before that, the down payment on the braces was almost $800, and his gross pay that check was almost $8000. Then he didn't pay the monthly payment for the braces for the first couple of months (paying it now but complaining). My daughters have had to drop out of some of their activities and go without some things while he shamelessly flaunts his new toys in front of them. Right now most of my bills are overdue and I don't know when/how I'll be able to catch up.

I did see some model ships at the store that would have made a really nice Father's Day gift. But I couldn't afford even one of them. Besides he'll surely buy them all for himself as soon as he sees them for sale. And if they came from us he'd act as if they weren't good enough.