Hello all... I have been on here for a few years dealing with infidelity. WH and I (also a WW) were in recovery for a while, but now things are falling apart.
We fight all the time, cant seem to ever be on the same page. WH is military and we move all the time. My problem is I feel that he is so controlling over me. I never get any money (I work full time), I never get to be with my friends, I am always being put down (told I am stupid, a *****, I dont deserve things).. and I am so tired and fed up with feeling like this.
He screams at me, calls me names, and talks down to me. I ask him not to and he says that he doesnt even know when he is doing it. I started losing weight and he would get mad every time I went to the gym. I am starting to lose my self esteem. I know that I am a pretty girl and there are a million men out there who would be blessed to have me for a wife.
I am at the point right now that I just want to be happy in my life. I want to be selfish for once and do good things for me. We do have a 3 1/2 year old little girl that I need to think about what is best for her too. My WH was abused growing up and my FIL treats my MIL the same way. He is also an alcoholic and I can see that in my WH also. He likes to drink alot and often gets mean.
I feel like I have so many warning signs and I just cant seem to get up the courage to leave. Right now he is out of the house bc I told him I want out of the marriage, but I am having a hard time with him being gone and me being alone with my daughter. Any advice there?

I know I need to do good for myself and my daughter, and I keep telling myself that he is "not that bad"... Is this bc I am am in an abusive relationship and I dont even recognize it? People who meet us and hang out together with us will pull me aside and ask me "why do you let him talk to you like that?" It is so sad to me that I didnt see this sooner, but I understand that love is blind sometimes.
I also feel that we were married way too young, and I got married bc I saw it as he "rescued" me from my abusive home growing up. I was 17, he was 19. We got married after one year, and just had our 5 year anniversary.

I cheated, he cheated... we dont trust each other, I am not happy, I am done being treated like I am nothing... Now how do I get the courage to move on, and how do I know it is time?

Any advice would be great...
~Trying to Leave...

Hello StayStrong,

I encourage you to get professional assistance for the abuse issues. If you can't afford counseling, call your local women's shelter and talk to them about your situation. They should be able to offer you direct assistance and/or give you referrals to free/low cost abuse counseling. If you don't know how to find the phone number for the shelter in your area, call your police department and ask them to give it to you.

Statistics tell us that many, many people leave one abusive relationship and go on to another abusive relationship and then another. Please get professional help so that abuse does not continue to be part of your life and relationships.

You said:
"I want to be selfish for once and do good things for me."

Although it will feel selfish at first, doing good things (like abuse counseling) for yourself isn't really being selfish--it is being loving and responsible.

Take care StayStrong--and seek assistance from people who can help you do that

StayStrong...oh how I CRINGED when someone first mentioned *shelter* to me. I was in the same place not knowning whether I should stay or go. I did finally have the courage to call a shelter, even though I had no intentions of taking myself or three kids there. My kids wouldn't go (they were entering their teens) and I wasn't about to leave without them. What I did find was a support network that helped me accomplish many things in my life. The first was learning that what I thought was *normal* in relationships really was abuse. Abuse is not loving or kind, and abuse doesn't mean you have to have bruises. After all, my husband always told me, "I never hit you," or "you'll never be anything without me" or "no one would ever put up with you like I do...you're stupid...you're selfish...." on and on. I went to counselling at the shelter one night a week. There I learned that I wasn't the ONLY one. I wasn't selfish and I wasn't stupid (I later went on to graduate on the Dean's list at my local college), and I DID make it on my own WITH kids.

You said I want to be selfish for once and do good things for me. We do have a 3 1/2 year old little girl that I need to think about what is best for her too. Being treated with respect and dignity and having a healthy relationship IS NOT SELFISH!

Now...as to your question as to leave or not, it all depends on you. I would be the FIRST one to encourage you to work on your marriage. Divorce is NOT easy, and it's harder when you leave an abuser. Firstly, get yourself some counselling. Call the shelter and make sure you have a safety plan in place BEFORE you do anything. The most dangerous time in a woman's life is when she is leaving -- permanently. It sounds like it's not final that he is out of the house. Men who are abusive (although not physically) can and do become physical when they feel they are losing what they *own*. Make sure you and your daughter are safe. Call the shelter and make those arrangements right now. Even IF your choice is to stay in this relationship, the shelter will give you incredible backbone and wisdom in how to deal with a controlling person. It IS the turning point for you all in obtaining a healthy future.