I am in such a different place than most of the posters here, I feel embarrassed in some ways even saying that I feel sad. However, I can tell you that financesm living, and work situations don't always make a person happy.

I have been working on my education since kindergarten, 29 years ago. I am finishing my fellowship in 2 weeks and have a great job with tons of time off, great hours, and great salary. It is the most hollow feeling I can imagine. I am OK with my divorce. She was not a person that was good for me. She didn't have the character that kept her in any semblance of place that I could have tolerated. I worked at it for 11 years, but I see now how I started changing over the past 4 years or so, continually being frightened of her. I lived in fear of her 'going off' about something. 99% of arguments were started by her and apologized for by me. I WAS NOT TO BLAME FOR THEM ALL, some, I am sure I was the cause or problem, however far more of them were her complete inability to see anything other than her perception.

Anyway, the reason I am posting tonight is that I wanted to whine a bit about having it all, and really the only thing that I wanted has been stripped from me by the person that I trusted most in the world. The only thing I wanted was my family. I worked and trained to be able to provide for them the best possible way. Now that I have the finances, time, etc. I don't have my family... at least not in a recognizable form. I do have my boys half time... they are in their beds in the next room, but it still just kills me. I know, most here are worried about being able to make rent or having time to breathe. I understand that my problems are not of the same sort, but they are in no way less real to me.

I can tell you, while money and time definitely makes things easier... don't ever think that everything would be OK with them. I can tell you from my current everyday life that is not the case. I have no one to plan with... I had a graduation dinner last night, and all the other people were thanking their spouses. That was me one year ago tonight. Within about a week she was gone. A year later, I am divorced and I feel lost trying to find my way.

We had always planned on moving and building our dream house... now I don't even want to buy a car. I had always thought about celebrating my completion... last night after the dinner, I just wanted to cry. But you know what... even though it felt like I wanted to, I couldn't. I missed support... I missed having someone that could hold my head to their chest and give me comfort. To understand that I was feeling bad, and want to help me to feel better for MY sake... not for her's. But you know, I realized when I just couldn't cry, in spite of my low feelings, I realized that I never had that with her either. It wasn't that I truly missed it, I needed it, but I had never gotten it from her either, and it was a hard realization that not only don't I have it now, I didn't have it then either.

Now I am not a sobbing mess most of the time, however I have broken down plenty of times over the course of the last 2 years, that is for sure. But I tried really hard to EVER find a time that she selflessly gave of herself just to make me more comfortable... I could think of NONE before her affairs, and only a couple during our reconciliation attempt. So it wasn't that I missed it as much as now realize that I never had it, but also that it doesn't decrease the need to be hugged every once in a while.

Ok... enough self pity on my part...

I don't know what I really hoped to get out of posting here tonight. I guess I am just really feeling hollow with my circumstances and feel guilty because I feel that I have no reason to feel bad when I have so much and others have so much less comparatively. It just doesn't matter some times... it still hurts.

Hello FormerlyConfused. I am sorry to hear how hard things seem to be feeling and going for you. If it makes you feel any better, I feel like I'm in a similar place. I've got a great job, enough money to live, but I no longer have my H, and the hopes and dreams we shared together are gone. I'm on the verge of divorce, and while it's not what I want, it seems to be the best option.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I see now how I started changing over the past 4 years or so, continually being frightened of her. I lived in fear of her 'going off' about something. 99% of arguments were started by her and apologized for by me. I WAS NOT TO BLAME FOR THEM ALL, some, I am sure I was the cause or problem, however far more of them were her complete inability to see anything other than her perception. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Substitue some "he's" for the "she's" and I feel the same way about my H. I recall now how when I first moved out into my own place, the best part was that I was no longer living in fear of upsetting him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I missed support... I missed having someone that could hold my head to their chest and give me comfort. To understand that I was feeling bad, and want to help me to feel better for MY sake... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel this way too, very much so.

I know a cyber hug is rather feeble, but here's one from someone else wishing they still had someone to reach out to for a hug tonight too. And since you can't cry, I'll cry a few of my tears for you too.

(((((FormerlyConfused))))

Jen

Formerly Confused, just by virtue of me posting at 11 pm on a Friday night lets you know that I'm understanding your hollow feeling.

I, too, am not hurting financially. I'm working on a graduate degree, and I am a high school teacher, who has the finances to keep me rather comfortable. However, like you, I am not living my dream. My dream was also to be married and stay married.

I see a lot of parallels in our stories. I also became frightened of my XH as I never wanted to make him angry. In the end, I could feel him slipping away, and I tried ever so hard to make him happy. He never was. He was so different than he was in the beginning of our relationship. To use MB terminology, he is so far in the fog, his low beams wouldn't help at all.

I have a lot of people tell me that he is the one who has lost out by giving me up, but that doesn't help me feel any less lonely or discouraged. I mean, I'm so scared to let my self care about another man again, but I do want my kids to have a relationship with a man who cares about their mother. Besides that, it would be nice to find a man who would come to their ballgames, kindergarten graduations, academic awards ceremonies, etc, all of which their dad bowed out of this year. I, too, am bitter, but I think we will become better. I just know I have to hang on and work on making myself happy because I have leaned on someone else for way too long.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that there are others in your situation, so you are not alone.

take care & God bless you

Kim

***foolish ways will make fools of the wise****
Music group Alabama

Hey Formerly confused,

Heres a big
(((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm one of those that are financially struggling but am working on it, and just wanted to tell you that having money doesn't make others think of you as not having emotions. Everyone has them. Lonliness sucks!

Hi Formerly Confused -
I understand exactly how you feel. I am really lucky to be financially sound and to be able to stay home with my kids (6,4,2) even though I'm now a single mom. I'll go back to work in a few years, but for now it works and I am really grateful for that. I have my kids with me most of the time, I have good friends and a great family, and generally just a good life. But at the times that are the best - the highs, like when I was at a great concert at Red Rocks the other night, or when I went hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park and saw the most breathtaking view.......I miss having the person I pledged to share my whole life with. Or at my daughter's Field Day, or swimming lesson when she was so proud......those are things that are great but make me feel a bit empty. I don't dwell on what I don't have, and I know I am better off without a cheating, immoral husband, but I just wanted to tell you I know how you feel. Sometimes I get mad at myself - shouldn't the fact that I have 3 wonderful kids be enough? And that I have God? The things that count I have. I just miss that special closeness with someone on the big things, like you mentioned. Anyway, congratulations on your graduation. God has something great in store for you and your boys!!

Congratulations. I am sooo proud of you and your day. It is big. And some of us realize how important that is to you.

Some people are far too selfish to understand what you did was for your family. They wanted instant gratification and couldn't wait and look at the big picture of life.

And it's sad. We all will feel sad because we honored our marriages...

It's a shame. It really is. But we've got to be there for our kids now.

And soon there may be a chance to rebuild. God is opening incredible doors for you now.

Love ya and think that you are one really wonderful man and friend. And dad ok? And doc for that much as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your not alone and here is another cyberhug ((((hug)))). We have been there and will still visit it from time to time. It does get better. There is something good waiting around the corner for us!

FC---I think you hit a sore spot with alot of us who are living the loveless life. I, too, am so at peace, financially secure, lovely apartment, great friends, and loving family. I feel guilty at times about getting low BUT......

It sucks coming home to nothing at night. I used to be excited about doing the littlest things but now don't even get excited about the big things. It is hard to enjoy so many things because there is no one to share it with on a consistent basis. There is no one to care if you will come home when you go out. It truly is hard to live life without love. Being in love definitely adds color to life. Even though my M was hard with a drinking spouse, I loved and idolized my H. I loved being there for him, doing things for him and with him and making his life easy. I loved giving to him in so many different ways. He did give to me also. He did give me support when I was struggling (as long as it wasn;t with him), he listened the best he could, he gave me presents when he was guilty about something, he could fix anything and he did have a sense of responsibility in most areas of our life.

I intermittenly had someone to share my life with cause when my H made himself available and put forth an effort, he was all I could have ever wanted in a H.

Life is emptier, duller, colorless, and at times lacks meaning.

This was good for you to bring up. Facing these feelings will help us to fight them and grow beyond them.

Sorry your special night was not as special as it could have been. Congratulations on graduating and accomplishing so much in spite of all the pain you have been in.

TW

FC - As one of the posters said earlier, it's like all the color is gone from our lives on some days - and no amount of money or job/career success is a substitute for that color. It's difficult some days to operate in a black and white world when you saw a future full of color. I have to be honest, when I say that as I look down the long road ahead, I don't see an absence of pain and sense of loss. It will always be there to a certain degree, regardless of our success in other areas of our lives.

But do take pride in what you have accomplished - and it is quite an accomplishment!! Your compassion for, and understanding of, people will serve you well in your profession all of your life. God has great things planned for you. And your sons. Of that I am sure. Take care.

You know... it is like I live a life that is really just a shell. Currently, all I feel is that I mark time in my life until my boys are with me. I know that is not the best thing for me to be doing, and in reality I am not. However that is how I FEEL. I have dated some, I have some friends, I go to the gym, play racquetball again, golf, etc... but it just feels like I am going through the motions. I know that it is still early. And I have no compunction that it should be different than it is at this time. I just wish it was.

I loved having my family rely on me. I loved the test of working in order to have something to work for. Now, I really don't have any direction at all. I have decided to stay in my condo for another year or so and get my credit in order as it was dinged during the divorce. I will keep my same car... no reason to buy something fancy just because I can. I sold my rights to the new Corvette I ordered last fall. My boys decided that since it didn't have enough room for them both, that I shouldn't get it. I realized that really all I want at this point is to put my energy into them and finding the perfect piece of land for my boys and my horses. Therefore, I will keep liquid and flexible and when it pops up, I will be able to pounce without hinderance.

I have planned a couple trips with my boys... one home to Colorado... I have not seen my parents for almost two years. Long before all this divorce crap started. We speak all the time on the phone... but I could sure use a loving shoulder to cry on. I am afraid I will just break when I see my mom... We are also going to go to Atlantis this fall... I asked my oldest boy if he could go anywhere in the world, where did he want to go. He decided either New York to see 'Lion King' on Broadway or Atlantis... he ended up choosing Atlantis, so we are going in October. We will also go back home for Christmas, either the day or a week around that time. (WhoamInow... I am envious, I have spent a couple evenings at Red Rocks and while I didn't spend much time in RM national park, I did grow up around Durango, and spent my life living absolutely in the middle of the San Juans... I now live in the midwest, and can't leave because of custody... she decided to stay... I have no idea why, actually that is not true... She lied and said there was no one, then I found differently again. But she also said she had broken up with that one, so I guess because she has a teaching job. So for 13 years, until my youngest graduates, I am here. But heaven knows I am buying a cabin near Durango... and a house on the beach somewhere soon... If I can't live there full time, I sure can have a great place to visit.)

I am trying... I am trying to get my life back again. I have so much to offer... I have so many things I love to do... I finally have the means to do them, but they still just feel hollow. I know that it will get better, at least I hope so. While I would love to find someone that I wanted to date more than once, she is not going to make this better. I know that I need to get to a better place in spite of being alone rather than because someone else came along and lifted me out. I will be stronger for her, my boys, and myself.

<small>[ June 15, 2003, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

FC---just curious, what happened to the women you met at the bookstore with floppy, comfortable slippers on?

TW

I'd like to just be hollow and empty...

not hollow, empty, and so broke that I struggle daily to keep food on the table and a roof over my head.

Sorry.... but it's pretty hard to work on the self-esteem stuff when you struggle financially.

It is very odd... every woman that I have dated so far except her, have been very insecure. I hate having conversations about how 'cute' our waitress is... I am not there with the waitress. I don't mind the "Oh she is cute." comment, but having it repeated several times really turns me off. And I DO NOT STARE AT THEM, I make it a point to NOT look, because I want to avoid the issue. And every one of the women that I have been with, while a bit older than the waitresses, in my opinion were much more lovely. but how do you say that and not seem patronizing. And also, I don't want to have to be responsible for their self esteem around me. And saying things like, "They didn't build us like that when we were in school." or "I think they should put clothes on rather than paint them on." I just really get a bad feeling about where things would go in a few dates. They have all been very nice... but seemingly insecure.

Now bookstore, floopy, slipper woman, she is different. I don't know... I have dated her a couple times now, and I like her. I think she likes me, but, and I wish that I could place this, I just don't see her as someone in my future. She is intelligent, funny, seemingly honest, beautiful... I know... What are you looking for FC? But I can't figure out what it is about her that I just don't completely mesh with. Maybe it is just that she doesn't seem to engage in the conversation as much. She appears to listen intently, but has little to offer. Sometimes I feel as though I am running the show. I don't want that, but I am also not EXACTLY sure that is what is really happening or whether it is my perception. I will see her again... but there are no butterflys. I would like butterflys.. at least a little. That would be nice...

I felt butterflys while at the gym this evening... and for the first time in a long time... I chickened out... I spoke with her, but I didn't ask her name or get a number... and the worst thing is, now that I think about it, I think she was wanting me to ask. I just kind of couldn't... Oh well, I hope that I see her again... I have been kicking myself all evening, and I refuse to allow it to continue given another opportunity.

In some ways however, all this feels like a charade. Like I am trying to sugar coat a situation simply because I can given my situation. I don't feel like I am rushing, and I really am NOT looking for another wife. But it would be nice to meet someone to really think about. That would be nice...

And Elan... I am sorry about your circumstance. That is one of the reasons that I posted this, it is because I can understand what most people have to deal with, and there is so much support for some people because of their situation. But most of my friends think I have it made. No one thinks about the hollow feelings that occur because of my divorce. All they see is a decent looking, 34 year old doctor. It is hard to empathize with someone well off financially. And sometimes, people forget that other things than finances are involved in the divorce. I get the kind of "What do you have to feel bad about?" kind of aspect from most people.

<small>[ June 16, 2003, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

A 34 yr old doctor that works out huh:) Well I have many friends for you so you wont be lonely anymore. Just kidding

Just thought I'd make you laugh. Sorry if you didn't find it funny but I was seriously just kidding around. All my friends are happily married except one and shes male hating right now.

I get all the time "Do you how lucky you are to stay home with your kids as a single mother?!"
Yes, of course I do! I am very blessed. But that doesn't mean I don't have issues of my own to work out, and sadness that hits throughout the day. No one comes home for dinner, no one says "How was your day?" no one says how great (or not so great on craft day!) the house looks, no one gets the kids together to plan a surprise for my birthday.

I do think that we all are dealing with different things. If we are struggling financially, that is a concrete problem that must be solved. Me wishing I had a soul mate isn't something I have to solve right away to survive. The hard thing is feeling overwhelmed with a multitude of problems, which it seems like several people here are having to do. My heart goes out to all. Luckily God is in charge of it, and sometimes sends me lessons to remind me that I do need him completely, whenever I start trying to rely on myself too much.

Formerly Confused, the Durango area is so pretty. I've skiied around there. And isn't Red Rocks the best? I have a goal to go at least 3 more times this summer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Colorado is beautiful!

Good luck with dating. I started another post today rambling on about the things I am facing. I want butterflies too. But then I want those to fade (as they inevitably do) into a real, true love. I *think* I still believe in that. It sounds like you have good opportunities to meet people. I'm thinking maybe the minivan with three carseats and the Shrek CD blaring with all of us singing along may not be helping my cause. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Good luck to you!

Maybe this is the *grass is greener...* syndrome. I think that having money would make it that much easier to cope through all this divorce stuff. My ex is loaded. Fancy cars, fancy house, fancy trips -- yet we never saw that when we were married for 20 years. He had his toys and I was the one that struggled. Yes, my choice -- how we all could have made different choices.

I just find it hard to understand how one who supposidly has "everything" is having difficulty. So money is a tangible, and emotions are not. If we take the money factor out of this, we are all equal. This emotion stuff is all internal. We've all heard the advice that all this *stuff* is controllable -- I mean, we *can* make a choice of whether we are going to make lemonaid out of those lemons. I guess the question we all have to ask ourselves is: What frightens you the most? What would be the WORST case scenario for us?

Well Elan...

I don't know what to say. You appear to equate the worst part of your divorce with your financial situation. I do not. I think the worst part for me was the betrayal but even more so, the betrayal of my family. I grew up poor, and I know how it is... I have lived paycheck to paycheck for my entire life. Just because this will soon change does not negate or even mitigate the pain of having my family torn apart. The pain of having the person that I loved most in the world repeatedly betray the trust and love I held for her, even after I knew about the other affairs, and she asked for forgiveness. To have her repeat her betrayal was astounding in and of itself. For her to look at me with a "so what" attitude just about crushed me.

Personally for me, the money is just that... Money. It allows me to live. It does interest me that instead of you saying that it is hard to make your electric bill or keep clothes on your children's back, that you chose to instead point out all the things that your ex has... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My ex is loaded. Fancy cars, fancy house, fancy trips </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps it is just a different point of view. I don't know the circumstances you are faced with, but I do take some affront to your somewhat belittling of mine. I would give up every penny I have and will ever earn to have my family back with me. They were all that ever mattered, and were the reason that I have worked as hard as I have. I would never have killed myself as much as I did for ME. It was for my family's future.

But am I going to apologize for my education and income? Absolutely not. Am I going to be sorry for my ex's choice when this is being said about me... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My ex (me) is loaded. Fancy cars, fancy house, fancy trips </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO.

I never wanted this divorce at any time. Even after I found out about her newest when she left, I wanted her back. In some ways, I still want her, but I know that she isn't capable of changing, or if she is, I have seen none of it. The same thing she always said about me, until I did show her, but then she still wasn't happy. And then I realized, it wasn't about ME. I gave everything, and she made her choice, in spite of everything she could have chosen, she made this choice. I will live well. My boys will live well. She will live well because of my boys, but ONLY because of my boys. Perhaps she will remarry and be happy. I hope so... for my boys' sake. But never will I be sad that I am living a portion of our dream with my boys. Because, that is all that I can do with and for them. And we deserve to salvage as much of that dream as we can.

<small>[ June 18, 2003, 06:32 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Formerly Confused,
This may be totally inappropriate, but I think I could fall in love with you very quickly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> As a newly BS, I'm hopeful someday to find someone to fill the emptiness (still wanting that to be H and hoping he grows through this experience too). But my standards will be very high too and that someone may even have to be a FBS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Many of the people on this MB have felt the hurt, lived the depression, and have grown into fabulous people who deserve a partner that truly understands. And I believe one can only truly understand when one has been there.

Hi Formerly Confused,
Glad you are doing well. What I am getting out of your post is that the only thing that really matters in life when it's all said and done is the relationships you have experienced, how you have handled them, nurtured them, the impact you have had on the people's lives you have touched and how you have raised the children that God has entrusted to your care.....that's it...nothing else not all the money or prestige in the world really matters....yes, it can make things easier if all the other parts of your life are ok...but alone, they mean nothing......unless you have someone to share them with......
If I could make a wish for you FC, I would wish that your wife could have seen what you two had...what was right at your finger tips....that all the hard work, sacrifice was about to pay off for you both and your family.....she had stuck beside you through it all....been strong and emotionally healthy...which she obviously isn't...that she could have realized that your dream for she and you and your boys was right on the horizon....and that you would have it all....that your relationship with her was healthy, no infidelity and that you would be able to share the success you now have with the one person who meant the most...her and your boys and that you were not at the place you are now....only to share it with your sons.....that would be my wish for you....but unfortunately you are not there.....the reality of it is that she wasn&#8217;t healthy emotionally, she made bad choices that destroyed what you had. Because of those choices you are left to pick up the pieces for not only you but your sons. To loose someone you love for some other reason than death to me has been the most difficult part of this process&#8230;..for someone to make decisions that change the whole course of your life and you have no control&#8230;.can do nothing but try and salvage the lives they destroy in their selfish paths is numbing&#8230;..that to me has been the most heart wrenching painful part &#8230;.and for what&#8230;.what do they really have&#8230;&#8230;nothing&#8230;
FC &#8230;..you like me will continue to hurt&#8230;.yes you will hurt &#8230;.probably for awhile yet&#8230;..but you are a kind man, have a good heart and yes, you will find someone, somewhere&#8230;&#8230;stay the course for yourself and your sons&#8230;&#8230;enjoy what you have worked so hard for&#8230;..share it with your children and someday with someone who loves you for who you are - not what you are&#8230;..
May I make a suggestion to you&#8230;..when you meet someone you are interested in and they do not know your profession&#8230;.don&#8217;t tell them immediately you are a doctor&#8230;..if you feel they perceive you differently once they know your profession&#8230;.just tell them that you are self employed in the medical field or something&#8230;..make sure their interest is sincere &#8230;that they are truly interested in getting to know you and that they are attracted to you and not your profession&#8230;..they are seeing you and not dollar signs&#8230;&#8230;.hope you don&#8217;t find this advice inappropriate but if you are not sure they are after you or your money&#8230;.it might help&#8230;.
Continue what you are doing&#8230;best of luck to you
Take care
Dianne

So Formerly Confused....how are you feeling about this topic today?
Dianne