Actually... I am not feeling well at all. My boys are at their mother's this weekend, and that is always just a bit tough. But my oldest boy called and wanted to come over this afternoon to show me his new rollerblades. That was a bit tougher, because I am his dad... he shouldn't have to call... he should walk over to where I am and say "lets go blading daddy."

Anyway... he came over. We live just a block or so from her house. He wanted to stay and just 'do something' so I told him sure. We sat down and played a game and just talked. It was nice, because his little brother, obviously my youngest boy, was not here, so it was just us two. We talked a bit about stuff, and I asked him what he did this weekend. He said he went swimming... and a friend of 'mom's' came over for supper. 'Mike'... They see him at the pool all the time as well he said.

I know that I can't and really don't want to control what she does. But we had agreed that we wouldn't be introducing the boys to other people without letting each other know first. No 'VETO' just common courtesy. We both agreed upon it... but I don't know why I ever thought she would live up to it. We agreed so we wouldn't find out through the kids. Well... guess what. It really doesn't make a difference. I know that, but it is just one more time that an unneccesary lie was told me and I foolishly believed it. I don't know why I even bother listening to her at all.

So... Yes... it is hurting today. Not horribly... just really not feeling well about the whole issue. I had a tough day just because I really wanted to be with my family. Then to top it off, I learn of something so stupidly unnecessary as to make me remember why all this isn't really so bad after all. I mean... this is the type of person she is. This is the type of person she has been... Why do I ever keep thinking she might be something different in the future?

I know what you mean about not being able to believe them. I am trying really hard to learn to forgive my XH for not giving our family a chance to survive....he like your wife had already crossed the line....when I found out anything was wrong....he had already been with her...so all the things I did, all the changes I made that he said I needed to make werent enough for our marriage to have a second chance. It was easier for him to continue doing what he was doing and not have to face me, admit to me, deal with me, my pain, anger, hurt, the whole mess...it was easier to just turn and not look back. That is what he did, never gave us a chance. And when I say I didnt know, I didnt know. Our marriage certainly wasnt perfect but there were no clear indicators that we were about to explode. Nothing, I was totally devastated for the longest time and so the story goes...you can read my post from a year or so ago and get the idea of what was going on. Continued lies...just on and on, month after month. Anyway FC what I wanted to say to you was that I know how you feel, my two youngest sons were with XH this weekend, I too hate the situation that they are in when with him. He lives with preganant OW and my children are around her when they visit him. Makes me sick but my lawyer told me I couldn't do anything about it. I am in KY and just couldnt believe it. I really think that she just didnt want me to go there....doesnt sound like she had my childrens best interest at heart....so I dont have anything in my divorce decree that states that no overnight guest of opposite sex are to stay when he has children. This really bothers me. He forces this ....whatever you want to call her...on my children.....and I cant tell you what this does to me......
I dont understand how our spouses can be so self centered that the well fair of thier children never enters their minds....the childrens mental well being..and to force these people on our children....makes me physically sick...and now FC I found out that she was expecting before our DV was final and my boys...well....how are they going to take the news of a new half brother or sister....especially the younger two....
The lies....since our DV, I noticed that I wasnt getting my bank statements...well, I let it slide for a few months...both of my parents have had life threatening illness, my Dad - conjestive heart failure and my Mom, recouperating from lung surgery..anyway, I have been taking care of them, working and taking care of the children and I knew I had money so I hadnt looked at my statements...so the other day I go to the bank to close our old account and open up a new one and when I tell them to set up the new account with same address as old one and so forth...the lady says....well H and OW address...I just about fell in the floor...come to find out they have gotten my last 3 months bank statements...I went through the roof.....I cant type on here what I said to him....how dare he and her review my statements...he actually told me she hadnt look at them...like I was going to believe that....I cant tell you how upset I was...how dare he and his who*** look at how I spent every penny since March....anyway back to your statement that you cant believe a word they say.....No FC, you cant....we just have to keep a decent enough relationship with them to ensure our children's well being and that is it.....every time I think I can put him behind me....he does something else that makes my skin crawl.....I just dont know about him at all....
Like I have said before FC, just keep the course, I know you are on the right track....your heart aches though...I can feel it in your post....hope it starts to heal soon....you were so committed to her, your family.....FC it will take you along time....just know that and dont beat yourself up so bad when you feel the way you are feeling this weekend...Think of how far you have come. I havent talked to you much since the first of the year or so but I can see you are even stronger now than you were then. You are a good person, doing what is right for yourself and your sons. I know that we cant see you face to face but we are your friends supporting you as best we can. I sure hope you have a good support system where you live, lots of understanding friends and family.
Take care FC
Dianne

FC,
I don't blame you. I love CO.
I'm from the midwest but I like the snow out west better.
I've actually skied Durango, Vail, Teluride, Steam Boat, and Beaver Creek.

I'm sorry you are feeling so blue.
I think I went through this when I was still married. Now I'm happy to have my life back.

My daughters and I are going to spend some time with friends this week on Lake Michigan.
I think friends are the only option for me at this point and I'm lucky to have so many.
I'm looking forward to getting out of the Texas heat for the week and reading on the beach.

I wish I knew what to tell you. It sounds like you have been cut in half. Like she took a big part of you with her. Don't let it be the good half.

I've always found relief by helping other people when I feel down. Maybe this would work for you too.

The other thing I do is love the little things. I actually stop and smell the roses. I look at the big Texas sky at night and soak up all the stars. I hug my children and smell their hair. Sometimes they smell like the pet rabbit I had when I was a kid. (I loved that rabbit) When I stop at a traffic light, I turn my head so I catch some rays through my sun roof. It feels like God is smiling down on me. I turn the music up loud. I listen to the music I listened to before I was married. My girls yell at me and tell me to turn it down. LOL!

I hope my words have helped you in some way.
You have a lot to live for.
Eat the cheesecake first.

Aly

FC and all posters,

What you have written about and talked about has hit home. I had a really bad day with my walk away wife. We are seperated going on 3 months and each month seems to pull us farther apart. In fact, she said so today. She is so angry at me for the situation she has put us in. She had the affair. She fell out of love with me. She repressed her feelings and did not communicate and somehow I am to blam for this mess. All I get is anger and resentment. She says that she is being totally honest, but most everything out of her mouth is painful. Today is one of those days where I feel like I can not go on with this anymore. I have had my heart taken out and dropped and stomped. And yet I still love her and want her to be my wife. And yet she has given me not reason to believe that that will ever happen. She has not asked for a divorce, but each passing week seems to get us closer to that inevitable decision. There is not way that I can act or be that will not upset her. In fact, if she knew that I was talking on a bulleting board about my problems she would flip. Today she said to me that she things that I am manipulating her. I am creating a group and it is us against her. Quite a theory! This group is my friends that I look to for support. Yes, I tell them the details and how I am feeling, but I also stick up for her. She is trying. She is just not acting the way I want. That is her phrase not mine, but she is right.

Today I cried by myself, in my mom's arms and while sitting in front of this computer writing this note. FC, I know the feeling of loneliness. Of missed experiences. Of companionship. Of sharing your life, and I am not even divorced (yet)! I want to save it, but it seems more than I can do. Earlier this week I realized that I was not really missing the sex with my wife, but the companionship and intimacy (non-sexual). That is what is hurting the most, except for maybe her butally honest statements about how she feels about me. I believe that spending any time with her is actually worst for us than time together.

I know you know that you will get through this. You do not need our pity, just our love and support. Try to remember the wonderful person that you are, the effort that you gave to save what you had, and that you will find somebody that is better for you. I really don't know if this helps because people tell me this all the time, and I still feel like my heart has been riped out and my insides have been eaten away. I feel so empty. Today, I felt like a bad parent because I did not have the energy to play with the kids or really be there for them. This is so not there fault and they know that, but their mom has walked away. They do not know that, but they in some way sense it.

I guess I am writting to get my emotions out, but also because this post really hit home for me. Is there a pill that I can take that will get ride of all this pain? Am I a weak person because I am willing to suffer and put up with such sh** in order to try and save my marriage? My wife makes me feel so, and yet I still love her. Can I get this out of my system? Please just rip it out. Take it to the dump and through it away with my wife's pictures, my old jeans and the phone that just broke. There is can sit and stew and smell and disease and fester all by itself with infecting anybody else. Me. My Wife. My kids. Maybe then I can get to a place where I can just care about my wife without loving her. Is that to much to ask?

Formerly Confused,

Firstly, sorry I haven't responded any sooner. It wasn't out of not wanting to, but actually not being here. I too was betrayed, a number of times. I just didn't know about it until after he moved out. The most humiliating part was having to go for a full sexual assualt workup after he raped me (after I also found out how many *other* women he was with) -- so no, I wouldn't say the worst part of my divorce has anything to do with finances. I'm sorry it appeared to you that way from my post.

I don't believe that money reduces the pain one feels. I believe that money makes it just a tad easier when one is struggling through all the emotions of divorce when one is also worrying about whether or not they will remain in a home. (because of lack of support, I was also evicted from my home and had to move with my children to my mothers). I am a single monther. I am struggling to make ends meet. The worst part is having to say *no* to a movie for my child when that child can see dad with all his toys. How do you explain to your child that Dad has enough money to go to Mexico or buy a new car, but doesn't have enough to pay for child support. I am thankful that there ARE dad's like you that take care of their children and keep their interests first and formost. But for all children of divorce, not all dads are like you.

I'm sorry that your wife betrayed you, just as I am sorry that my husband betrayed me. What was the hardest to accept was that it wasn't MY fault. It's difficult to accept when someone you loves betrays you in a way that you never thought possible. It hurts when you have moral values that differ from another. Bottom line is you CAN'T change them. You can't force them to become *moral* or to admit to their part in their role of breaking down your marriage. I'm sorry that you are hurting.

You are right about me choosing to point out that my ex is loaded. I in no way intended to belittle you because you have money or that you don't hurt because you do have money. That was NEVER my intention and if you did get that from my post, for that I apologize.

I would give up every penny I have and will ever earn to have my family back with me. They were all that ever mattered, and were the reason that I have worked as hard as I have. I would never have killed myself as much as I did for ME. It was for my family's future.

No man ever regreted working too hard. At the end of the day you can't take it with you. Unfortunately, most times it's too late when people realize that. I understand that it was for your family's future, but I really don't matter here do I? However, since you took offence to me saying my ex is loaded, is money a factor that you need to look at? I'm just trying to give you the other side. My ex quite freely tells everyone: "she left everything. I was the best husband ... I worked hard, I gave her whatever she wanted, we never went without..." etc. You get the picture. It was NEVER the money, I would have been quite willing to live in a trailer, just so that he would spend some time with us. But -- day after day, I raised the children and he would saunter in exhausted from work -- because he was working hard for the family. We never talked, we never did anything together because he was either *working* or was too *tired* to even sit and watch a movie with us. So yes, he did work hard for *the family*. Sorry, but working hard for the family does not equate to money. (in MY opinion). It means developing a relationship with your children. It means sitting down and working through issues with your spouse. It means meeting your emotional needs.

My ex too was *poor* when he was younger. Instead of working through the issues he had because of that, he worked harder so his family didn't have to experience that. He never reached a *balance*. It was always work, work, work. And the toys -- were his because he "deserved them" for working so hard.

I gave everything, and she made her choice, in spite of everything she could have chosen, she made this choice. Let's take the $$$ factor out of this -- in spite of it all, did you really give her everything? At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what *Elan* thinks of you or your situation, or anyone else for that matter. What matters the most is what you do right now with your own family. You don't need approval. I have a feeling that you already know what's inside there that you don't want to face. The hardest thing is facing it.

God Bless.